MMY Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I broke down and sent a text to my ExAP who broke all communications with me with no explanation 2 and half months ago. I knew she was going through a D and everyone on this board has provided me with great advise. She did reply back, said what we had was real to her and that I had helped her in so many ways. Said the D (which isn't final) is so much harder on her than she could ever had imagined. I thanked her for replying and told her I am moving on and working on me and my M. I wished her the best and hoped that she finds what she needs for both her and her boys. She thanked me also. I know some will call me (whatever) because I reach out to her but as of right now, I feel like a heavy burden has been lifted from me. I feel I can truly concentrate on my M. Knowing that we both acknowledged the feelings we had were mutual but also knowing that deep down our friendship and wanting the best for each other is what we both want. Thanks to everyone for the kind and sometimes Eye opening comments and replies. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks or calls you; you should be proud of yourself, MMY. You did what you needed to do, provided closure for both you and your ex AP, and now, you can move forward in your life. Though there is still quite a journey ahead of you, you've taken the first steps, and that counts for a lot. So in short, kudos. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Ssgrimes Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Good for you and I am glad that you feel that you got closure. That is something that I am wanting, but not sure that it will ever happen the way that I want it to. I am glad that you have a sense of peace about this and hopefully you will continue to work through your healing. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MMY Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 Thanks Rebel, you have given great advise 1 Link to post Share on other sites
wanting more Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I do wish you the best of luck. I hope you both continue with NC. I think we each need our own closure, and if this is what it was for you, I'm glad. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Thanks Rebel, you have given great advise ^^; I try, at any rate. You're most welcome. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I broke down and sent a text to my ExAP who broke all communications with me with no explanation 2 and half months ago. I knew she was going through a D and everyone on this board has provided me with great advise. She did reply back, said what we had was real to her and that I had helped her in so many ways. Said the D (which isn't final) is so much harder on her than she could ever had imagined. I thanked her for replying and told her I am moving on and working on me and my M. I wished her the best and hoped that she finds what she needs for both her and her boys. She thanked me also. I know some will call me (whatever) because I reach out to her but as of right now, I feel like a heavy burden has been lifted from me. I feel I can truly concentrate on my M. Knowing that we both acknowledged the feelings we had were mutual but also knowing that deep down our friendship and wanting the best for each other is what we both want. Thanks to everyone for the kind and sometimes Eye opening comments and replies. Out of curiosity, does your wife know you contacted her? 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MMY Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 Out of curiosity, does your wife know you contacted her? No, I think I will keep it to myself. Again, I know what most will say. but I truly feel closure with the txt conversation I had with her. My wife and I are getting along better than we have in 5 years. We are going out to dinner, dancing, laughing and enjoying each other. I think if I did say something it would put us back several steps. I feel good with it. I feel good with NC from this point on with ExAP. As James Brown said " I feel good" LOL. I will stay on LS as I hope to continue to find support and hopefully provide support one day to someone that may need it. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 No, I think I will keep it to myself. Again, I know what most will say. but I truly feel closure with the txt conversation I had with her. My wife and I are getting along better than we have in 5 years. We are going out to dinner, dancing, laughing and enjoying each other. I think if I did say something it would put us back several steps. I feel good with it. I feel good with NC from this point on with ExAP. As James Brown said " I feel good" LOL. I will stay on LS as I hope to continue to find support and hopefully provide support one day to someone that may need it. You are normal. You do not sound like a typical cheater, in my book you are doing fine. Affairs can develop when the marriage is stale and there is a MLC. Your romance was a 100% real, but it developed in a parallel universe that only included two citizens. You and your MOW belonged to a two person club and only the two of you had the password. Sometimes these events are exit affairs for the women and paradoxically the same affair improves the marriage of the male. I am glad you are doing fine. Everything that you did has an explanation and you have acted in an honorable manner with your family. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
LilGirlandOW Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Closure is a beautiful thing. My worst fear after NC is no closure. I am happy for you, as i know how important that would be for me too. And its probably not worth mentioning to your wife IMHO, this is something you needed to do to make yourself a better person, and a better partner, and she may not understand that being in her position. Again, I'm smiling as I think of your story, you went on a limb to tie some much needed knots and you got that, good for you! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
lilmisscantbewrong Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 In my situation (I was the OW) your flavor of closure wasn't an option. It was over with one quick phone call when the affair was discovered. Closure for me came from within. It was nothing he could have given me. His silence was all the closure I required. My fear for you, is that you're still choosing to deceive your wife. She's trying, you claim to be trying, yet you snuck off and texted your ap under the guise of closure. When you have a bad day, or a fight with your wife, are you going to run to your AP for comfort, or man up and work on the relationship you claim to want? If you were my husband, I'd want you all in or all the way out. You come off (to me) as having one foot in the door and keeping your options open if things get uncomfortable. This was my concern. MMY - you sound like you really want to try to reconcile and I wish you the best, truly I do. But I'm not sure it's wise to keep that from your wife. It is likely she will find out down the road that you called. I can tell you my husband had contact with his XOW back in January and I didn't know about it until April and the only reason I found out was because of some weird anonymous letter I got and he thought it could only be from her or my XMM's wife - then he proceeded to tell me about her calling and stopping by. At first he said he got off the phone immediately - later it was a three minute conversation (a lot can be said in 3 minutes). My husband has never told her "don't call me again". He won't write a NC letter because he doesn't want anything in writing. Anyway - I don't think it's wise to keep this from her. It will be far worse if she does find out somewhere down the road. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MMY Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 In my situation (I was the OW) your flavor of closure wasn't an option. It was over with one quick phone call when the affair was discovered. Closure for me came from within. It was nothing he could have given me. His silence was all the closure I required. My fear for you, is that you're still choosing to deceive your wife. She's trying, you claim to be trying, yet you snuck off and texted your ap under the guise of closure. When you have a bad day, or a fight with your wife, are you going to run to your AP for comfort, or man up and work on the relationship you claim to want? If you were my husband, I'd want you all in or all the way out. You come off (to me) as having one foot in the door and keeping your options open if things get uncomfortable. My goal is to man up and lean on my wife if I have a bad day and if it is a problem with she or I that we talk about it. That is how this whole thing got where it is. Lack of communication. My closure came mainly from the friendship side. I have girls in my life that I have slept with when I was single that are friends with me and my wife now. So it was important for me to put a period at the end of the A. I did tell my ExAP that I would not communicate with her again. It is my goal to hold to that. That is all I can say. I know that I will have bad days but I know that I will have better days ahead with my W. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MMY Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 This was my concern. MMY - you sound like you really want to try to reconcile and I wish you the best, truly I do. But I'm not sure it's wise to keep that from your wife. It is likely she will find out down the road that you called. I can tell you my husband had contact with his XOW back in January and I didn't know about it until April and the only reason I found out was because of some weird anonymous letter I got and he thought it could only be from her or my XMM's wife - then he proceeded to tell me about her calling and stopping by. At first he said he got off the phone immediately - later it was a three minute conversation (a lot can be said in 3 minutes). My husband has never told her "don't call me again". He won't write a NC letter because he doesn't want anything in writing. Anyway - I don't think it's wise to keep this from her. It will be far worse if she does find out somewhere down the road. I did tell ExAP that I would not communicate with her from this point on. I just don't think I need to tell w. I just need continue working to get us better. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 Only you know deep down if that bit of contact got you the closure you felt you needed to really let go and put her out of your head once and for all. Just hope for your sake that in a month or two, you don't start wondering about her, her life, marriage and reach out because you miss her and want to see if a casual friendship can happen. Make yourself a promise NOW and stick to it. That door is closed forever, and you won't be contacting her ever again or replying back if she happens to contact you in the future. Good luck and I hope you move forward with your wife and family. Link to post Share on other sites
whichwayisup Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 I did tell ExAP that I would not communicate with her from this point on. I just don't think I need to tell w. I just need continue working to get us better. Mistake. Big mistake. Do tell your wife about this last bit of contact. It's the honest thing to do, you owe her that much. If you hide this, what else might you hide in the future? What IF exMW calls you or texts you end of summer just to say hi and see how things are? Anyway, hope you reconsider and tell your wife. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
sweet_pea Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 How do you know your wife won't find out? If she has access to phone bills, I'm sure she'd be able to see your exchange. Just hope she never finds out because telling the truth about communication, while it may set you back, I'm sure she will appreciate the honesty rather than finding out on her own and thinking you are continuing the affair/lies behind her back. Just some food for thought. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author MMY Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 I will give it a serious thought. Thanks Link to post Share on other sites
Author MMY Posted June 28, 2013 Author Share Posted June 28, 2013 I am glad I found LS and I know a lot of people here have been through or are going through some of the same stuff. I hope that when those bad days hit and I know they will come, that instead of going in the wrong direction that I will be able to get on here an post my issue and get replies for those who understand. Happy Friday to everyone and TTYL 1 Link to post Share on other sites
PhoenixRise Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 No, I think I will keep it to myself. Again, I know what most will say. but I truly feel closure with the txt conversation I had with her. My wife and I are getting along better than we have in 5 years. We are going out to dinner, dancing, laughing and enjoying each other. I think if I did say something it would put us back several steps. I feel good with it. I feel good with NC from this point on with ExAP. As James Brown said " I feel good" LOL. I will stay on LS as I hope to continue to find support and hopefully provide support one day to someone that may need it. MMY both AP's and BS's are agreeing here so you should really take this in. Do yourself a big favor and tell your wife about the contact. Explain it to her just the way you explained it here. Because while you and your wife are having fun and dancing and laughing and talking you are also REBUILDING HER TRUST IN YOU. If you tell her now it may cause a bump in your road but it will also reinforce to her that she is safe trusting you because you are being honest with her. But if she finds out on her own it will completely destroy any faith in you that she has regained. Remember in your other thread when you said your wife is not angry? BS's posted and told you that the anger can come seemingly out of nowhere months down the road. The same thing goes with the checking up some BS's will do to verify that the WS is being honest with them now. It sounds to me like the contact with the OW gave you what you needed to be better able to move forward. Don't let it be something that blows up in your face and completely destroys your progress. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted June 28, 2013 Share Posted June 28, 2013 If you don't tell her, you risk losing her for good if she (your wife) finds out you contacted ExOW again. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
spice4life Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 It's nice you were able to find closure. I hope I gave my xMM closure too. I won't contact him or respond to any of his communications because it interferes with the healing process. I hope he is rediscovering happiness in his marriage just like you. Best wishes on your journey back to your wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
egalew Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 MMY - The whole issue of a closure is a hotly debated on this board and one I've struggled with. When my exAP and I parted ways, I remained calm, kept my composure and never said a damn word, though it ate me up inside. I've written countless letters, but have never have sent them. Never called either. I've been strongly advised my many that NC was the only way to go Even if you do contact him, you won't get the response you need. However, I so desperately wanted the exAP to dignify the experience and say, "Yes, I did have feelings. It was for real. But, I decided......" I never got that and it has eaten me up inside. Not knowing all the details of your story, it seems like you did get closure and I'm honestly happy for you. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WakingUp Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 Let me get this straight. A WH comes to the OM/W board and tells us he has closure. That he and BW are reconciling, dancing laughing and dining. His OW called NC on him over two months ago whilst going through a very traumatic divorce. And we congratulate him for texting OW in the midst of all his marital fun? We are glad he reopened contact and found his closure? And he wont be telling his W that he did this? How is this good? This is not over. Not by a long shot. MMY all you wanted was to have the final word. I bet OW was not at all pleased to hear from you, however she retained her dignity and well done to her. NC is NC. Not this. I call Bull****. What a load of rubbish. Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 Waking Up: Who is exactly made you Judge, Jury, and Executioner on the matter? What makes you believe that just because he was the WS, he doesn't have a right to closure? Go and stand upon your soapbox calling b.s. all you want, but it doesn't mean you're right about MMY, or his situation. Your thoughts and beliefs on the matter are not gospel, and in this instance, they are in no way conducive to the topic at hand. If you don't agree with it, fine. But unless you actually have something to offer to MMY in this thread, your post was not needed. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted June 29, 2013 Share Posted June 29, 2013 However, I so desperately wanted the exAP to dignify the experience and say, "Yes, I did have feelings. It was for real. But, I decided......" I never got that and it has eaten me up inside. The chances that there were feelings are 99.9%. No need to go for that extra 0.1%. The feelings in most affairs are quite real. Link to post Share on other sites
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