How does one look for a serious relationship?

[Kamille]

Help me learn how to look for a serious relationships.

 

All my past relationships started out as fun flings. I was in 3 relationships that I consider to be serious relationships. One lasted one year and the two others lasted about 3 years each.

 

I am now finally at a point in my life when I know I want a serious, excellent, good, mutually supportive, loving relationship. How do I date for serious and not for fling?

[JuneJulySeptember]

Help me learn how to look for a serious relationships.

 

All my past relationships started out as fun flings. I was in 3 relationships that I consider to be serious relationships. One lasted one year and the two others lasted about 3 years each.

 

I am now finally at a point in my life when I know I want a serious, excellent, good, mutually supportive, loving relationship. How do I date for serious and not for fling?

 

Why did you post this in the struggling/bitter man subforum? :lmao:

 

I don't have flings, perhaps because I'm too unattractive. So, every woman that I have had a relation with has turned into some sort of semi-serious relationship. I've met them all (all very few of them) through friends of friends. I'm guessing that my friends have values similar to me, and so their friends do too. So, that might work out for you.

[Kamille]

Why did you post this in the struggling/bitter man subforum? :lmao:

 

Seemed like a good place to start a dialogue.

 

I've met them all (all very few of them) through friends of friends. I'm guessing that my friends have values similar to me, and so their friends do too. So, that might work out for you.

 

Yeah, that's how met 2 of three guys I had LTRs with. How long did it usually take you from first meeting the person through your friends to actually making a move on them (or having them make a move on you)?

[JuneJulySeptember]

 

Yeah, that's how met 2 of three guys I had LTRs with. How long did it usually take you from first meeting the person through your friends to actually making a move on them (or having them make a move on you)?

 

Bolded. :lmao:

 

Usually when friends introduce me to women, it's set up under the guise of a friendly meeting. They tell ME that it is a hook up scheme, but never the woman. You can guess the reason for that on your own.

 

Back in the day, I'd maybe wait for a sign.

 

These days, I make a move right away, and if I crash and burn, it's on to the next.

[El Brujo]

Serious + relationship are 2 words that don't go together in the US.

 

Maybe in someone else's country, but not here in the US. Here, relationships are meant to be a joke.

[Kamille]

 

Back in the day, I'd maybe wait for a sign.

 

These days, I make a move right away, and if I crash and burn, it's on to the next.

 

So thinking back to all the times when it worked. Which of the two approaches worked better? Meaning: with your exes, did you use technique one or technique 2?

[Kamille]

I should perhaps say that I am currently multi-dating. I'm intrigued by a few of the guys. I guess a sub-question is: how do I not rush into another fling type thing?

[Eternal Sunshine]

I should perhaps say that I am currently multi-dating. I'm intrigued by a few of the guys. I guess a sub-question is: how do I not rush into another fling type thing?

 

You should never admit that you are multi-dating on a bitter man sub-forum

[Weezy1973]

I should perhaps say that I am currently multi-dating. I'm intrigued by a few of the guys. I guess a sub-question is: how do I not rush into another fling type thing?

 

Choose the guys with the most relationshippy type qualities. Prioritize traits like integrity, empathy, honesty, open communication and an ability to compromise. Downplay things like looks and ambition.

[Kamille]

You should never admit that you are multi-dating on a bitter man sub-forum

 

But it's the truth! And, to my surprise, I'm even enjoying it!

 

I should also point out that I know for a fact some of these guys are also multi-dating. Basically, I'm at the stage where there a few that I like a little bit, but not at the stage where one stands out in particular.

 

I think it's the perfect time to figure out how to get what I want.

 

For instance: I'm dating guys in my age-range. Two of them I enjoy spending time with and getting to know. But then there's this much younger guy, whom I've known for a few months through friends. By now we both know we're attracted to each other (and it's both a physical and intellectual connection). But he is probably about 12 years younger than me. I'm pretty sure this guy could only be a fling - but, as a result, I seem to have more fun with him when we hang out.

[GoodOnPaper]

I should perhaps say that I am currently multi-dating. I'm intrigued by a few of the guys. I guess a sub-question is: how do I not rush into another fling type thing?

 

Are you beyond date 2 with any of these guys? If so, I would think avoiding a fling would be difficult. I wouldn't consider myself LTR material if I felt I had to juggle multiple women in order to figure out if any of them are compatible. As a guy who always wanted serious relationships, I would think competition on anyone's part would be more of a distraction than be helpful.

[Kamille]

Choose the guys with the most relationshippy type qualities. Prioritize traits like integrity, empathy, honesty, open communication and an ability to compromise. Downplay things like looks and ambition.

 

Good advice! Any practical tips on how to figure out those traits?

 

Right now, the only things that come to my mind are

1. Take the time needed to get to know the person

2. Be honest, open and empathetic myself so that the communication is based on who we are and not based on my trying to land a relationship.

[Kamille]

Are you beyond date 2 with any of these guys? If so, I would think avoiding a fling would be difficult.

 

I am beyond date two with all of these guys. Yet, I don't understand why that would mean I can't avoid a fling?

 

I guess my definition of fling involves getting sexually active - and also being exclusive for the duration of the fling. Apart from some pretty kosher kissing, there hasn't been any sexual action with any of the guys.

[Weezy1973]

Good advice! Any practical tips on how to figure out those traits?

 

Right now, the only things that come to my mind are

1. Take the time needed to get to know the person

2. Be honest, open and empathetic myself so that the communication is based on who we are and not based on my trying to land a relationship.

 

I do think taking the time to get to know someone is a good idea. As a "shortcut" try to find out what the guy spends most of his time on. A good who works 60 hours a week and goes to the gym 2 hours a day might not be as good a partner as someone who volunteers at the local food bank a few hours a week and spends time staying connected to friends and family.

[GoodOnPaper]

I am beyond date two with all of these guys. Yet, I don't understand why that would mean I can't avoid a fling?

 

I guess my definition of fling involves getting sexually active - and also being exclusive for the duration of the fling. Apart from some pretty kosher kissing, there hasn't been any sexual action with any of the guys.

 

Are the GUYS looking for LTRs? If I was even kissing multiple women, I'd be enjoying the attention too much to want to move beyond casual.

[Kamille]

Weezy and GOP's last posts made me think of two new items.

 

1. Take the time needed to get to know the person

2. Be honest, open and empathetic myself so that the communication is based on who we are and not based on my trying to land a relationship.

3. Know what I want and believe I have the right to want it.

4. Accept loss.

 

By which I mean that, as I go about this process, it's normal that some guys decide that we're incompatible or that we do not want the same thing or that our pace aren't matched or whatever else.

 

Basically, the right guy for me will be the one who understands how I'm approaching dating.

[Kamille]

Are the GUYS looking for LTRs? If I was even kissing multiple women, I'd be enjoying the attention too much to want to move beyond casual.

 

Some are, some aren't and some I don't know yet. I am not at a point yet where I want to be an LTR with any of them specifically.

[Els]

K, how are you meeting the guys?

[Kamille]

Some are, some aren't and some I don't know yet. I am not at a point yet where I want to be an LTR with any of them specifically.

 

I should add: the younger man is making want to throw all this careful planning to the wind and just have a fling.

 

K, how are you meeting the guys?

 

Some I've met through friends, others through OLD.

[Emilia]

Great thread Kam, I was thinking exactly the same thing for a while and obviously ES's thread has been very useful too in this respect.

 

We touched on this on the OTT a couple of months ago lightheartedly, I think it was Pyro who pointed out first that you look for LTRs very differently from STRs. This is because when you are busy screwing a hottie short term, you are potentially passing up opportunities to meet the right person for LTRs.

 

I also think that some of us - certainly me - are partially driven by our libido. Ie if I kept just hooking up with men I would have very little incentive short term to make the effort to look for an LTR - though obviuosly I would be unhappy long term.

 

You look for values you need in someone for an LTR based on whatever values are important to you. I also disagree with the poster who said you don't priorities looks as highly. As a male poster said here recently, you need looks for LTRs even more than for STRs since you will be spending more time with that person. I think this is fundamental. Sexual compatibility is also essential.

 

You accept loss as you said. This is key. 80% at least will drop out.

 

I'm not a fan of multi-dating. I've never done it and in my opinion the jury is still out there whether it's successful since you are distracted from getting to know a person properly. To paraphrase yet another poster: if multi-dating is that good an idea how come a lot of those folks seem to be single a lot of the time?

[JuneJulySeptember]

So thinking back to all the times when it worked. Which of the two approaches worked better? Meaning: with your exes, did you use technique one or technique 2?

 

The technique of being straightforward and making a move right away worked for me. But that is for me.

 

It's based on playing the physical attractiveness game.

 

If you have no problem attracting men, you could make a move right away or wait and it probably won't make a difference.

[Kamille]

 

If you have no problem attracting men, you could make a move right away or wait and it probably won't make a difference.

 

I'm open to making a move when I feel like it. I've done so in the past and certainly won't stop myself from doing so in the future. In my experience, however, it does make a difference who makes the first move and how they make the first move.

 

Basically, if I make the first move, I have to be even more cautious than if the guy makes the first move. I have to see the first date (the one I asked for) as his getting-to-know-me date, not as a sign that he's actually interested in me. I have to make sure, from the second date forward, that he gives me signs the he reciprocates the attraction.

 

I don't think that this is any different then when it is guys who make the first move.

[Emilia]

Basically, if I make the first move, I have to be even more cautious than if the guy makes the first move. I have to see the first date (the one I asked for) as his getting-to-know-me date, not as a sign that he's actually interested in me. I have to make sure, from the second date forward, that he gives me signs the he reciprocates the attraction.

 

I don't think that this is any different then when it is guys who make the first move.

How about making the first move in the sense that you are upping the ante but without asking him out? ie initiate other form of contact with him perhaps - or initiate contact in the first place but don't ask him out?

[Kamille]

Great thread Kam, I was thinking exactly the same thing for a while and obviously ES's thread has been very useful too in this respect.

 

I know. It's one of hppr's responses in ES' thread that prompted me to start this one. He'd said something like the way you approach a relationship for long term is different than if you want something casual (such as a fling).

 

I realized I don't really know the difference, mostly because all of my relationships started as mere we're-having-fun flings and, oh wait, a few weeks later we realize we're really into each other and would like to be bf and gf.

 

 

 

We touched on this on the OTT a couple of months ago lightheartedly, I think it was Pyro who pointed out first that you look for LTRs very differently from STRs. This is because when you are busy screwing a hottie short term, you are potentially passing up opportunities to meet the right person for LTRs.

 

So short term screwing plans are to be avoided? Noted.

 

I also think that some of us - certainly me - are partially driven by our libido.

 

You're certainly not alone in this! Viva la masturbacion.

 

 

 

you need looks for LTRs even more than for STRs since you will be spending more time with that person. I think this is fundamental. Sexual compatibility is also essential.

 

I prefer to think of "looks" as attraction. I know it boils down to being the same thing, but what I need is to want to rip the clothes off of my partner every once in awhile, preferably every day.

 

You accept loss as you said. This is key. 80% at least will drop out.

 

Yep, people will drop out and that's perfectly okay. It's people choosing what is right for them, as I look for what is right for me.

 

I'm not a fan of multi-dating. I've never done it and in my opinion the jury is still out there whether it's successful since you are distracted from getting to know a person properly. To paraphrase yet another poster: if multi-dating is that good an idea how come a lot of those folks seem to be single a lot of the time?

 

Right now, I see it more as "courting" than multi-dating. And courting is a long-standing tradition. And it's fun. I avoided multi-dating since moving away from my hometown 10 years ago.

 

And now that I'm doing it, I realize that multi-dating actually reproduces the way I would meet men in my hometown. It was a small city so you would run into people everywhere and hanging out was very popular.

 

Example: at the end of class, you and a fellow student who always ran into each other at the same cafe would say: hey, let's go grab a coffee! You'd sit and hang out at the cafe, possibly the two of you alone, or with other friends if they happened to be at the same cafe. Then, one day, one of you would make a move.

 

I find OLD reproduces this in some ways. I meet men and we agree to hang out. My current city is somewhat small, so often we'll run into people I know or I'll arrange a date where they meet the people I know (with them knowing so). Somehow this works for me.

[Kamille]

How about making the first move in the sense that you are upping the ante but without asking him out? ie initiate other form of contact with him perhaps - or initiate contact in the first place but don't ask him out?

 

That's definitely my preferred mode of action!