Author Kamille Posted June 30, 2013 Author Share Posted June 30, 2013 I appreciate the advice. I don't think multidating works for everyone. I am finding it is working for me. It keeps me from getting too hung up too fast on the guys I meet. (Which I have a history of doing). In a sense, it's making dating easier for me. Basically, what my gut is telling me is that this is right for me. It makes me approach dating with a more easy-going, balanced attitude. It's also been good practice for me in learning to be upfront about who I am (and to not fear loss). I am doing it for the first time. If I see awhile from now that it isn't working for me, I'll reevaluate. As an example of what I mean: the guy who wanted to escalate things in the bedroom? He didn't "push for sex". We discussed it and concluded that we weren't on the same page. So now we are both free to move on to other prospects and are still on good terms with each other. If I had only been dating him, I might have been more emotional about the whole thing or more invested in trying to figure out ways to make him like me (which was my go to in the past). Instead, I was able to easily assess my needs, assert them and walk away with no hard feelings. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
xxoo Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 The important thing may be to know when to stop dating someone inappropriate for a serious relationship, and balancing that with giving someone a chance. Do you consider the young guy a serious option? If no, and you continue dating him, will that stand in the way of giving someone more appropriate a fair chance? Link to post Share on other sites
Author Kamille Posted June 30, 2013 Author Share Posted June 30, 2013 (edited) The important thing may be to know when to stop dating someone inappropriate for a serious relationship, and balancing that with giving someone a chance. Yes, I like that way of phrasing it. Do you consider the young guy a serious option? If no, and you continue dating him, will that stand in the way of giving someone more appropriate a fair chance? I wasn't really dating the younger guy. We hung out, had a marvellous time and he kissed me. My gut is telling me I need more information before making up my mind about him. ETA: I'd say that's what I enjoy the most about my current headspace: I don't have to strike preemptively. Edited June 30, 2013 by Kamille 1 Link to post Share on other sites
crosswordfiend Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 As an example of what I mean: the guy who wanted to escalate things in the bedroom? He didn't "push for sex". We discussed it and concluded that we weren't on the same page. So now we are both free to move on to other prospects and are still on good terms with each other. If I had only been dating him, I might have been more emotional about the whole thing or more invested in trying to figure out ways to make him like me (which was my go to in the past). Instead, I was able to easily assess my needs, assert them and walk away with no hard feelings. I think you have to really know yourself well in order to succeed using this approach. I would only apply it for the real dealbreakers, otherwise it becomes too easy to find an excuse to walk away from everyone. You will be left with compartmentalizing your needs and having all but the final objective met. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Emilia Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I think you have to really know yourself well in order to succeed using this approach. I would only apply it for the real dealbreakers, otherwise it becomes too easy to find an excuse to walk away from everyone. You will be left with compartmentalizing your needs and having all but the final objective met. I agree. You need to give people a chance and only walk away when that red flag is actually raised rather than just anticipate that it will be. Link to post Share on other sites
melodymatters Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I simply adore you, so I too want to help, even though I doubt I will be able ! Thinking about it, I have a very self protective method of choosing mates : I ONLY seriously consider those who show intense interest, not player type interest, more like " I can't BELIEVE I met someone like you and I want to see you as much as possible and escalate the relationship as quickly as possible." I then evaluate their values and qualities and if they match mine and the attraction is there, bam, i'm in a serious relationship. Two of these men probably had "higher social value" than I, and two had less, but I have never been able to concern myself with that. ( I've tried, it just doesn't make sense to me) I may very well have bypassed some lovely gentlemen who have a more cautious approach, but the " two dates a week", it's too soon for this, but he didn't do THAT soon enough, and when is it appropriate to do sex act A, B and C, and does he like me or LIKE like me, madness is just completely inorganic to me. If they don't want to see me as much as possible and talk to me everyday, then honestly...I just lose interest. ( NOT saying this is healthy, just sharing my experience) It seems like the more modern, educated and self esteem-y people have become, the more dating has become some bizarre non-committal dance. Link to post Share on other sites
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