Caught him doing stuff that I don't like.

[hellischrome]

Hi there,

so yesterday I was in a club as my BF had a farewell party as he has quit his job. Things were smooth, he was dancing and chatting and flirting around with his female colleagues but all clear in front of me - not big deal. I don't like it, but it's still something I can stand.

 

At some point it got late and I had my last train home, so I kissed goodbye and left. I realised that I forgot my umbrella somewhere in the club, so I came back in and I saw one of his colleague (one that was REALLY flirty with him during the night) taking him by hand and leading him somewhere - dunno where, probably at the bar. I am pretty sure he saw me as he was looking in my direction, but I just decided to leave it like that and left. At some point walking home I texted him - Next time please don't take someone else by the hand as soon as I turn my back please, at least wait for me to leave-. And he said it was nothing, she was a bit drunk and there was nothing bad about that, that I also saw them dancing and there was nothing to be worried about. Then he cut short saying goodnight while I was still texting, and in the end I also texted goodnight and went to sleep.

 

I spent an horrible night, because I don't know if I am exhagerating things or what - I texted him good morning today asking if he wanna sleep at my place tonight and he saw the message but didnt get back to me.

 

He hates jealously and this has always been a big big issue between us.

 

Thoughts?

[HokeyReligions]

Stop all the texting krap, call and talk to him and apologise for being an insecure child.

 

If you believe him to be a cheater dump him. Why would you want a relationship with someone you don't trust?

[Eggplant]

No -- your behavior was completely understandable. Don't apologize. Flirting with other women directly in front of you means he has no respect for you and doesn't care about you that much. And those women who were overtly flirting with your boyfriend right in front of you are frankly trashy people. You do not take a taken man by the hand -- that's a personal gesture reserved for people who are close to each other.

 

You seem like a push-over. Not all guys are ass****s. Why do you pick the one who is?

[tbf]

I wouldn't have texted him, especially if he saw me. Instead, not contacted and if he contacted, let him sweat it out for hours, maybe even days. That you also folded and asked him to stay the night, validates his right to treat you disrespectfully.

 

Guys that do this kind of thing love the ego stroke from you and the other women. Women are flirting with him because he encourages them and your jealousy only strokes him more.

 

One quick question. If you were to flirt around and encourage a lot of male sexual attention with him watching, would he encourage you to have fun? If you don't know, try it and watch his reaction.

[hellischrome]

Thanks for your replies - all quite interesting!!

 

I never flirt with others in front of him - unless they are common friends or his friends, and he always pointed out the fact that he is not jealous at all, about anything, so he basically gets what he deserves because I am sure that at some point he MUST be jealous.

 

Holding hands it's something really intimate in my opinion - I do it with my friends, but I just don't get why doing it as soon as I turn my back - even if he knew I saw him, and then he said it was her who did it and lead him somewhere, he said he basically didn't do anything.

 

What pisses me off is, again, that he saw me and he MUST have seen my look. Why didn't he do anything then? I am unsure if I should bring this thing up tonight when I'll see him.

[Got it]

What do you want in your relationship? What are your boundaries? Just because he says "he doesn't like jealousy" doesn't mean that discussion on boundary issues and prioritizing you is wrapped up in that blanket. That is his way of saying "I don't want you to say anything about my behavior".

 

Figure out what you want and be your own best advocate. Stand up for yourself and your best interest.

[spiderowl]

His behaviour was out of order and he was inconsiderate towards you at best. If you set your boundaries, as others have suggested, you might have to dump this guy for:

 

- flirting disrespectfully in front of you

- going off somewhere with other women

- blaming you for being jealous when his behaviour is part of it

- generally not caring about your feelings.

 

But it's worth having boundaries because guys pretty quickly learn where they are and what you will and won't put up with. Sometimes you have to let a few fall by the wayside if they can't treat you with respect. Someone else will come along who behaves better and they will be worth the wait.