I really screwed up!

[TitanicRose]

I took my laptop into apple today to be checked out since it has been functioning bizarrely lately. I now know how my husband found out all the details of my affair. He installed keylogger software on my laptop and someother spy software app on my phone. I did find out that he sent a letter to the OM's wife with proof telling her about our yearlong affair. (1200 cellphone calls!-I know not very smart) The OM told his wife that we were a couple in high school and we ran into each other last year and exchanged numbers. He also told her my husband was an insanely jealous man who overracted whenever I even talked to another man. She had caught him 4 years ago cheating. She bought his line of BS. I cant believe it! I don't want to be with him but I really cant believe a woman would believe that line of crap.

 

My husband doesn't know he talked his way out of it or I am sure he would send more evidence. He is determined to ruin their marriage and I have made perfectly clear to my H that i have no intention of being with the OM ever. My H told my kids about the affair (in detail) and now they wont speak to me. He told me last night if I admit to him that it was true he would help me repair my relationship with my kids and if I didn't admit it he would do everything in his power to make sure they never speak to me again. What choice do I have? My kids are all adults. I have called them and texted them that I will be there to talk to them when they are ready and that I love them. I am a wreck I cant sleep, eat or work. I know I made some major mistakes and did alot of stupid things so I hope someday my kids can forgive me.

[96nole]

Since your husband appears to already know everything, why don't you go ahead and tell him everything? Give him all the details. Answer every one of his questions completely.

Don't trick truth him. Don't blameshift.

If you are hoping to save your marriage, don't insult him anymore by lying or hiding the full story.

 

Your kids are adults. They will make up their own minds about their relationship with you.

[JustAReformedGirl]

That is a rough situation. If your husband already knows everything because of the software on your computer, you may as well come clean entirely. There's really no sense holding on to anymore secrets. Does he wish to reconcile? Are you willing to reconcile, for that matter?

 

I know some people don't agree with me for saying this (as this has come up before in conversation), but I still find it cruel to inform the kids-the grown up kids, for crying out loud-about what occurred. I understand your husband feels betrayed. I just don't understand why he went out of his way to drop that bomb on them. Was it vengeance? When he said he'd help you reconcile with your kids, it comes off as blackmail. You made mistakes, stupid ones without a doubt-but I still don't agree with him using your kids against you like that.

 

Anyone who doesn't agree with me; get over it, this is my opinion, you're entitled to yours, and I am not budging on my damn stance. God, as if revenge against the WS makes anything remotely f*cking better. Get real, people.

 

Anyway, I digress; if you and your husband are both willing to reconcile, do so. I truly hope your kids can come to terms with what has occurred. I'm not quite sure why fully grown kids would take it so hard; I understand when the kids are still young. To some extent, I get it, if they grew up with complete security-and a ridiculous illusion that their parents could do no wrong. Beyond that, I can't imagine why they'd be so enraged by it. Disappointed, sure. Though I suppose if your husband had been crying when this occurred, it would make more sense, and I could better understand his need to tell them in such...detail.

[Quiet Storm]

I think you should tell your husband everything. Your relationship with him may be over, but you need to mend the relationships with your kids. As your husband, and the father of your kids, he deserves the truth. All of it.

 

You feel like he's being unreasonable, but you must understand that he is very hurt. Hurt people, hurt people. These are your consequences. They suck. But you must go through it to get to the other side.

 

Your MMs wife deserves to know the truth, too.

 

You say your husband wants to destroy MMs marriage, but you are blameshifting. You and MM detroyed your marriages with your actions. Your H may be the messenger, but you & Mm are to blame.

 

See....the truth sets you free. Burying the truth just makes every couple and family unhealthy. There is a saying... A family is only as sick as its secrets. Your family deserves to be treated with integrity. They deserve the unvarnished truth.

 

I think showing your Mms family, more consideration than you own family, is not cool. Your focus should be on you & yours. Let Mm deal with his consequences. You deal with yours.

Edited June 29, 2013 by Quiet Storm

[lilmisscantbewrong]

My husband did this immediately. I couldn't get my youngest out of the house hardly and he had pulled my middle daughter out of bed to tell her and eventually my youngest knew. Because he really had not friends to turn to (except for a 28 year old asshat pastor) he didn't get great advice and he was confiding in my middle daughter and even threatened suicide which upset her to no end. He was acting out like a little boy and I understood that - he was devastated. But once we got into counseling our counselor really chastised him for using our kids as his "counselor and sounding board". Kids, whether young or out of the house, only know they love both of their parents and they are not equipped to deal with this. It is horrible and pits one child against another and ends up causing more hurt than good. I know, because during my parents divorce they used me and pitted me against one or the other. It took years for me to recover from that.

 

You definitely should confess everything now and whether you decide to recover this marriage or not, lay the truth out and walk forward in honesty - from here on out. I'm sorry, but at this point you XMM is not your concern - let him deal with the consequences on his end. I would say if she is believing his stories, let her - she apparently doesn't want to know the truth but that's not your concern.

 

No matter what you do, get a counselor to help you both navigate the next few months - it won't be easy.

 

Hang in there.

[ComingInHot]

Titanicrose,

You had another thread going where the topic was "damage control". I had posted there as others that really the only damage control was to come clean and;

 

" Proceed w/the D and as quickly as possible. Unless you are Protecting MM (which would mean your further betraying your children & spouse), Let H tell BW. Good for to know the truth no matter how painful."

 

I feel bad for you that it got to this point, but maybe Now, you could think about being honest?.?.

 

At Least for the sake of your relationship w/your grown children.

 

It may be the only way to build the bridge w/them w/OR w/out your H's support.

 

Do you think you could be honest for their sake? And yours?

 

I'm praying for you and rooting for you that you are able to mend this fence w/your children. It would Crush me too, if my actions Destroyed our relationship.

Be Brave*

CIH

[spice4life]

My husband did this immediately. I couldn't get my youngest out of the house hardly and he had pulled my middle daughter out of bed to tell her and eventually my youngest knew. Because he really had not friends to turn to (except for a 28 year old asshat pastor) he didn't get great advice and he was confiding in my middle daughter and even threatened suicide which upset her to no end. He was acting out like a little boy and I understood that - he was devastated. But once we got into counseling our counselor really chastised him for using our kids as his "counselor and sounding board". Kids, whether young or out of the house, only know they love both of their parents and they are not equipped to deal with this. It is horrible and pits one child against another and ends up causing more hurt than good. I know, because during my parents divorce they used me and pitted me against one or the other. It took years for me to recover from that.

 

You definitely should confess everything now and whether you decide to recover this marriage or not, lay the truth out and walk forward in honesty - from here on out. I'm sorry, but at this point you XMM is not your concern - let him deal with the consequences on his end. I would say if she is believing his stories, let her - she apparently doesn't want to know the truth but that's not your concern.

 

No matter what you do, get a counselor to help you both navigate the next few months - it won't be easy.

 

Hang in there.

 

Titanicrose, what lilmisscantbewrong posted in the bolded part above is so true. I went through this as a child (not in regards to infidelity) with my parents. I was always their sounding board for marital issues and let me just say, it took until now (late 40's) to get over it and straighten out my thinking. Even when your children are adults it screws them up. Your infidelity is between you and your husband and he has no right to get the kids involved.

 

You need to forget about yourself right now and get all of you into family counseling pronto. Your husband has no right to blackmail you simply because you want a divorce. He sounds like a total douche bag to be honest. If you want to leave you have the right to leave. At the very least, get yourself into counseling to learn how to set boundaries so he can't get away with abusing you through blackmail. Thats awful. Yes, you should have left him first instead of having an affair, but whats done is done. Now you have to seek out the appropriate resources to help you deal wth the fallout and move foward.

 

If you kids are being difficult right now then give them the space they need to process it and let them come to you. Don't force them. All you can do is show them, through actions and love from this point forward, that you are sincerely remorseful for hurting them and you've learned from your mistakes. People make mistakes and heal from them ALL the time and if you put in the effort you will too. Don't beat yourself up...take the bull by the horns and do what you need to do to heal this situation. I hate this saying, but its time to put your big girl panties on and handle this like an adult to help your kids.

 

As far as your xMM goes; quit worrying about their relationship because that's between them and not you anymore. Your xMM is responsible for stepping out on his marriage and if his wife finds out so be it. He shouldn't have cheated to begin with.

[spice4life]

Titanicrose,

You had another thread going where the topic was "damage control". I had posted there as others that really the only damage control was to come clean and;

 

" Proceed w/the D and as quickly as possible. Unless you are Protecting MM (which would mean your further betraying your children & spouse), Let H tell BW. Good for to know the truth no matter how painful."

 

I feel bad for you that it got to this point, but maybe Now, you could think about being honest?.?.

 

At Least for the sake of your relationship w/your grown children.

 

It may be the only way to build the bridge w/them w/OR w/out your H's support.

 

Do you think you could be honest for their sake? And yours?

 

I'm praying for you and rooting for you that you are able to mend this fence w/your children. It would Crush me too, if my actions Destroyed our relationship.

Be Brave*

CIH

 

CIH, I love reading your posts, but I have to disagree with you on this one. If they are getting divorced she doesn't owe her husband any explanation because he already has the evidence. He has no right to interfer with her relationship with her children and he has no right to use them to blackmail her either. Their marital issues are between them and he should not have involved the children. That's abusive...period end. Children SHOULD NOT be put in a position to take sides regarding their parents marriage whether they are young or adults. I know this from personal experience. All it does is screw them up because they love both parents and have the right to love both parents on their own terms without interference from the other parent.

 

It doesn't matter how hurt and angry spouses get toward each other because they still need to be adults and keep it between them. They are not reconciling so they need to put th swords down, grow up and just end the marriage and move on.

[ComingInHot]

spice wrote, " If they are getting divorced she doesn't owe her husband any explanation because he already has the evidence. He has no right to interfer with her relationship with her children and he has no right to use them to blackmail her either. Their marital issues are between them and he should not have involved the children. That's abusive...period end."

 

Spice, you're absolutely right. I re-read My post and it didn't say what I meant it to say.

 

I don't know how much "pull" OP's H has w/their kids at this point, but My response should have stated that because of the Awful disclosure H Already gave to their kids, their reactions towards OP aka Mom, along w/H's "threat & promise" that unless Titanic "comes clean" he refuses to "talk to their kids and help restore the relationship between kids and Mom", Then maybe (if he wields that much power), Titanic may consider talking w/her H.

 

At this point, my hope is that Titanicrose, herself, can begin mending the relationship, but since her H did the abhorrent act of informing ault kids, In Detail, she may have to be honest w/them too but hopefully NOT w/in the same "detailed" manner.

 

Ya. That's what I meant to have come across...

 

Spice, do you still disagree? If so, let me know why, because you Know I'm always open to understand or see things differently. It helps me grow too*

[georgia girl]

Titanicrose,

 

For what it's worth, here's my two cents:

 

Your husband was absolutely wrong to share this information with your children, grown or not. I found out about my father's affair as a teen-ager and it disgusted me. Even adult children don't have the right to know. As adults, they wouldn't invite you into their marriage, he shouldn't have invited them into yours.

 

Having said that, we can't keep re-litigating. The genie is still out of the bottle.

 

If I were in your shoes, I would contact each of your children individually and I would admit the affair to them and ask them if they wanted to talk to me, yell at me, ask me questions. If they said ignored you, I would leave the door open. But I would also be a bit firm about it. Something along the lines of, "I will always love you. I hurt you and I'm sorry. I live with the regret of how badly this has hurt you. I want a positive, open relationship with you and I will commit to working on it with you. But I can't do this alone and at this point, your indifference to me is hurting me as well. I know I can't undo your hurt, but I want you to know that I am hurting desperately as well. I never wanted this for our family, for you or even for me. I would like us to heal together, as a family still, but I can't do this alone. So, if you're willing to participate, I am always here."

 

I have an aunt who had an affair. She had been in an emotionally abusive - if not physically abusive - relationship with my uncle most of her life. Her kids, wrongly, alienated her after the affair and she is dying alone while they feed their bitterness. Part of the problem is that she let the kids walk all over her (felt she deserved it, particularly after being abused all of her life) and their father stoked their anger at every opportunity. He was an alcoholic dying a long, slow death from tobacco use. It's destroying all of them and my uncle fed and fed that destruction until they are all shells of their former selves. I am very anti-affair and I can't help but blame him for the devastation and hurt he caused. By not controlling his own hurt, he really destroyed his family.

 

I hope your husband can learn to deal with his anger and hurt. But if you are divorcing, that isn't the relationship you need to invest in now. Please invest in our kids but also don't let them walk all over you. Perhaps they would be willing to go to counseling with you so that you can all heal together.

 

Take care, GG

[Goodbye]

I took my laptop into apple today to be checked out since it has been functioning bizarrely lately. I now know how my husband found out all the details of my affair. He installed keylogger software on my laptop and someother spy software app on my phone. I did find out that he sent a letter to the OM's wife with proof telling her about our yearlong affair. (1200 cellphone calls!-I know not very smart) The OM told his wife that we were a couple in high school and we ran into each other last year and exchanged numbers. He also told her my husband was an insanely jealous man who overracted whenever I even talked to another man. She had caught him 4 years ago cheating. She bought his line of BS. I cant believe it! I don't want to be with him but I really cant believe a woman would believe that line of crap.

 

My husband doesn't know he talked his way out of it or I am sure he would send more evidence. He is determined to ruin their marriage and I have made perfectly clear to my H that i have no intention of being with the OM ever. My H told my kids about the affair (in detail) and now they wont speak to me. He told me last night if I admit to him that it was true he would help me repair my relationship with my kids and if I didn't admit it he would do everything in his power to make sure they never speak to me again. What choice do I have? My kids are all adults. I have called them and texted them that I will be there to talk to them when they are ready and that I love them. I am a wreck I cant sleep, eat or work. I know I made some major mistakes and did alot of stupid things so I hope someday my kids can forgive me.

 

 

Uhm ok...and does your H want to be with you? I know what you did was wrong, but I seriously doubt you can reconcile with such an angry and frighteningly bitter man. Be careful.

[underwater2010]

Uhm ok...and does your H want to be with you? I know what you did was wrong, but I seriously doubt you can reconcile with such an angry and frighteningly bitter man. Be careful.

Angry yes....bitter no. This is a common reaction that a BS has when they find out that the spouse has been screwing around. Did he go overboard in some regards...yes. Did she cause this fallout....absolutely. People need to remember that for every action there is a opposite and equal reaction.

 

From what I have read from her, I don't quite understand why she cares so much. If I understood correctly she is planning on leaving him anyways.

 

The only major issue I see is that her relationship with her adult kids will be affected. That is sad to me, but I don't think kids should be dragged into parental relationship problems. No matter the age.

 

As far as her MOM's marriage. He might just get away with it. But he might not. Without living in their house, she nor her BH will ever know what is truly happening.

[spice4life]

spice wrote, " If they are getting divorced she doesn't owe her husband any explanation because he already has the evidence. He has no right to interfer with her relationship with her children and he has no right to use them to blackmail her either. Their marital issues are between them and he should not have involved the children. That's abusive...period end."

 

Spice, you're absolutely right. I re-read My post and it didn't say what I meant it to say.

 

I don't know how much "pull" OP's H has w/their kids at this point, but My response should have stated that because of the Awful disclosure H Already gave to their kids, their reactions towards OP aka Mom, along w/H's "threat & promise" that unless Titanic "comes clean" he refuses to "talk to their kids and help restore the relationship between kids and Mom", Then maybe (if he wields that much power), Titanic may consider talking w/her H.

 

At this point, my hope is that Titanicrose, herself, can begin mending the relationship, but since her H did the abhorrent act of informing ault kids, In Detail, she may have to be honest w/them too but hopefully NOT w/in the same "detailed" manner.

 

Ya. That's what I meant to have come across...

 

Spice, do you still disagree? If so, let me know why, because you Know I'm always open to understand or see things differently. It helps me grow too*

 

Thank you CIH. No worries. I agree that she has to deal with her children honestly now that they know all of the gory details. It's so sad that her husband did that to his kids. He has no idea how much he just blurred the boundaries between the parent child relationship with his kids.

 

Now it's a journey of patience, love and understanding towards her children because they are in a lot of pain. Yes, her actions set this ball rolling, but her husband is using his kids to abuse her instead of keeping it between them. I hope she finds the strength to deal wih tis in a way that helps them heal.

[Quiet Storm]

CIH, I love reading your posts, but I have to disagree with you on this one. If they are getting divorced she doesn't owe her husband any explanation because he already has the evidence. He has no right to interfer with her relationship with her children and he has no right to use them to blackmail her either. Their marital issues are between them and he should not have involved the children. That's abusive...period end. Children SHOULD NOT be put in a position to take sides regarding their parents marriage whether they are young or adults. I know this from personal experience. All it does is screw them up because they love both parents and have the right to love both parents on their own terms without interference from the other parent.

 

It doesn't matter how hurt and angry spouses get toward each other because they still need to be adults and keep it between them. They are not reconciling so they need to put th swords down, grow up and just endmarriage and move on.

 

You can't control how other people behave. Ops h should not influence the kids, but op shOuld not have had an affair.

 

All this "he has no right" is redundant. People can & do say whatever they want to their grown kids.

 

It's interesting that people will drop a bomb on their family by having an affair, and then expect to control the fallout. When the truth eventually threatens the Ws image that she wants to portray to her kids, then all of the sudden they care about the relationships with their kids.

 

People are unpredictable. An affair can make the most calm and patient man lose it. When you have an affair, you take a huge gamble. On one end of the spectrum a man may be kind and accepting, on the other end, affairs can drive a man to murder. You dont know what an individuals reaction will be.

 

In this case, the kids are grown and their father will tell them whatever he chooses to. Op must deal with that. The kids are old enough to form their own opinions regarding their morhers actions. I think being honest with them and owning your behavior is a good start.

[The Way I Am]

You can't control how other people behave. Ops h should not influence the kids, but op shOuld not have had an affair.

 

All this "he has no right" is redundant. People can & do say whatever they want to their grown kids.

 

It's interesting that people will drop a bomb on their family by having an affair, and then expect to control the fallout. When the truth eventually threatens the Ws image that she wants to portray to her kids, then all of the sudden they care about the relationships with their kids.

 

People are unpredictable. An affair can make the most calm and patient man lose it. When you have an affair, you take a huge gamble. On one end of the spectrum a man may be kind and accepting, on the other end, affairs can drive a man to murder. You dont know what an individuals reaction will be.

 

In this case, the kids are grown and their father will tell them whatever he chooses to. Op must deal with that. The kids are old enough to form their own opinions regarding their morhers actions. I think being honest with them and owning your behavior is a good start.

 

People do have a right to address their relationships with their children however they choose. Just as people have a right to enter into affairs. Neither is illegal. And neither is justifiable. Though to me, deliberately manipulating your own children (no matter what age) as blackmail is the worse offense, because the motivation is malicious with the intent only to destroy your child's relationship with one parent. While that is often also the outcome of an affair, it's at least not the intention.

 

TitanicRose, it's not really clear to me whether you're divorcing or considering staying with your husband. It seems like there's a piece missing here. What is he insisting you be honest about? Are you still denying the affair? Or are there certain details you're still trying to keep secret? If you're divorcing, have you made your intent clear to him?

[TitanicRose]

I have stopped denying the affair but he keeps badgering me about details and if I had feelings for the OM or not. When I met my husband I had just broken up with the OM ( we were high school boyfriend and girlfriend for 3 years) and he knew at that time I was heartbroken. I was only 18 and my H thinks that I never stopped caring about him. It was 100% by accident that I ran into the OM (26 years without seeing eachother) but my H thinks it was all planned. I can't talk about that anymore because for 1 it's not true and I am not going to go into detail about the affair.

 

He is so bitter and angry so I am just trying to be as cordial as possible during this time. He keeps reminding me that he holds the keys to repairing my relationship with my kids (every chance he gets) I just try to be as nice as possible. I am going to divorce him once we sell our house and get our finances in order. What kills me is he thinks we can reconcile but he is do mean to me why would I ever agree to him feeling like he has the right to treat me badly for the next 20 years because of 1 mistake. I say No Thanks!

[Goodbye]

I have stopped denying the affair but he keeps badgering me about details and if I had feelings for the OM or not. When I met my husband I had just broken up with the OM ( we were high school boyfriend and girlfriend for 3 years) and he knew at that time I was heartbroken. I was only 18 and my H thinks that I never stopped caring about him. It was 100% by accident that I ran into the OM (26 years without seeing eachother) but my H thinks it was all planned. I can't talk about that anymore because for 1 it's not true and I am not going to go into detail about the affair.

 

He is so bitter and angry so I am just trying to be as cordial as possible during this time. He keeps reminding me that he holds the keys to repairing my relationship with my kids (every chance he gets) I just try to be as nice as possible. I am going to divorce him once we sell our house and get our finances in order. What kills me is he thinks we can reconcile but he is do mean to me why would I ever agree to him feeling like he has the right to treat me badly for the next 20 years because of 1 mistake. I say No Thanks!

 

 

Good choice to divorce. You'd never have peace in your life otherwise. It cracks me up to read about the malicious things BS's do "in the name of anger" but that's all ok...and they want to reconcile. No thanks. Oh...and if he had a keylogger on a computer passworded by you and registered only to you, that is most likely illegal. Just because you did something wrong, doesn't make it ok for him to be abusive...which is what he is doing.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I agree with Goodbye; there's a big difference between a BS acting out of grief (in which they usually feel bad later, for doing some of the malicious, vengeful things they do-no matter how justified their hurt and anger) and a BS that is using your betrayal as an excuse to abuse, belittle, threaten, and blackmail you every chance he gets.

 

Yes, you cheated on him. It was a one-time deal, and it sounds to me that he thought this was going on for the last 20 years? He clearly never trusted you, and was looking for a reason to find fault with you.

 

Okay, it's a set back that you wound up having an affair, in which now your BS feels justified in his 20 years of mistrust in you.

 

Cheating is never truly justifiable...but neither is misplaced distrust of someone that you've opting to spend your life with. People always seem to want to overlook the crimes the BS has committed against you throughout your relationship, and expect you to do the same...and yet when you commit a crime against him, your one crime is somehow worse. If you had had this affair going on for a long time, I might think differently. But as you stated, this was one time. Yes, he has a right to be hurt and angry, but he hurt your kids with the information in the name of revenge; I don't care what anyone says. Two wrongs do not make a flipping right, especially when there's already collateral damage. Like I said before, OP; I can see him telling your children while he was in great pain about it-but to do so out of vengeance? Despicable. He should have given you the chance to tell them yourself; as it is his right to be angry, it is your right to be upset that he hurt your relationship with your grown children. As someone else put it (Georgia girl, I believe): your kids are grown up, perhaps in relationships of their own. Just as their relationships stay between them and their partners, so too should your marital issues.

 

If you're working your way toward divorce, I understand you wanting to be amicable until then; however, do not allow this blatant abuse to continue. It's overkill on his part, and no matter how much he wants to hurt you, it's not right that he allows your children to be collateral. To me, that is beyond sick. So be amicable, yes; but please, don't be a doormat. Yes, you made poor choices, more so in continuing to lie until recently; that does not mean you have to put up with this borderline abuse.

 

of course, someone is bound to disagree with me, but I say what I feel; I'm not apologizing for that.

[Pierre]

I personally would keep the infidelity a secret.

 

However, the infidelity experts in the betrayed spouses forum suggest that all in the family should be informed of the affair and that includes the grown kids.

 

Little ones hurt much less than the adult kids. The latter often feel as betrayed as the spouse.

 

The betrayed spouse has the right to publish the affair. The wandering wife also had to right to choose an OM for sex. There are no laws against this.

 

I think the MOW is trying to shift blame and is protecting the OM who seems to be an exceptional liar and deceitful man.

 

The OP should simply be truthful and divorce her H. This poor man deserves a faithful wife and kindest thing the MOW could do is divorce him.

 

There is nothing complicated in here.

 

With time the grown children will forgive the adultery of the mother. However, OP needs to be truthful with her children. As I said some adult kids are massively hurt by this type of betrayal.

 

This is rather simple.

[Pierre]

I agree with Goodbye; there's a big difference between a BS acting out of grief (in which they usually feel bad later, for doing some of the malicious, vengeful things they do-no matter how justified their hurt and anger) and a BS that is using your betrayal as an excuse to abuse, belittle, threaten, and blackmail you every chance he gets.

 

Yes, you cheated on him. It was a one-time deal, and it sounds to me that he thought this was going on for the last 20 years? He clearly never trusted you, and was looking for a reason to find fault with you.

 

Okay, it's a set back that you wound up having an affair, in which now your BS feels justified in his 20 years of mistrust in you.

 

Cheating is never truly justifiable...but neither is misplaced distrust of someone that you've opting to spend your life with. People always seem to want to overlook the crimes the BS has committed against you throughout your relationship, and expect you to do the same...and yet when you commit a crime against him, your one crime is somehow worse. If you had had this affair going on for a long time, I might think differently. But as you stated, this was one time. Yes, he has a right to be hurt and angry, but he hurt your kids with the information in the name of revenge; I don't care what anyone says. Two wrongs do not make a flipping right, especially when there's already collateral damage. Like I said before, OP; I can see him telling your children while he was in great pain about it-but to do so out of vengeance? Despicable. He should have given you the chance to tell them yourself; as it is his right to be angry, it is your right to be upset that he hurt your relationship with your grown children. As someone else put it (Georgia girl, I believe): your kids are grown up, perhaps in relationships of their own. Just as their relationships stay between them and their partners, so too should your marital issues.

 

If you're working your way toward divorce, I understand you wanting to be amicable until then; however, do not allow this blatant abuse to continue. It's overkill on his part, and no matter how much he wants to hurt you, it's not right that he allows your children to be collateral. To me, that is beyond sick. So be amicable, yes; but please, don't be a doormat. Yes, you made poor choices, more so in continuing to lie until recently; that does not mean you have to put up with this borderline abuse.

 

of course, someone is bound to disagree with me, but I say what I feel; I'm not apologizing for that.

 

I disagree.

 

Ideally a balanced person that cheats admits blame, asks to be forgiven, and moves on. No need for further lying and drama.

 

Whether the BH is a drama queen or not is a moot point.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Pierre: Which part? That was a rather large wall o' text I wrote, so I'm not sure which part you refer to.

[Pierre]

Pierre: Which part? That was a rather large wall o' text I wrote, so I'm not sure which part you refer to.

 

You said:

 

I agree with Goodbye; there's a big difference between a BS acting out of grief (in which they usually feel bad later, for doing some of the malicious, vengeful things they do-no matter how justified their hurt and anger) and a BS that is using your betrayal as an excuse to abuse, belittle, threaten, and blackmail you every chance he gets.

 

The BH has the right to tell whoever, including the grown children, the pitiful priest, the president of the US, or Lady Gaga.

 

This is not about two wrongs making a right--------It does not apply.

 

This is not about the character of the BH or whether he is a loser or not. Whether he told the kids out of anger, vengeance, or whatever is moot. He did not break any law.

 

MOW cheated, no big deal. People cheat everyday and this is a well known flaw of the human condition.

 

What is really awkward is the shifting of the blame and the inability to accept guilt in a gracious and honorable manner. OP should come clean and move on.

[JustAReformedGirl]

You said:

 

I agree with Goodbye; there's a big difference between a BS acting out of grief (in which they usually feel bad later, for doing some of the malicious, vengeful things they do-no matter how justified their hurt and anger) and a BS that is using your betrayal as an excuse to abuse, belittle, threaten, and blackmail you every chance he gets.

 

The BH has the right to tell whoever, including the grown children, the pitiful priest, the president of the US, or Lady Gaga.

 

This is not about two wrongs making a right--------It does not apply.

 

This is not about the character of the BH or whether he is a loser or not. Whether he told the kids out of anger, vengeance, or whatever is moot. He did not break any law.

 

MOW cheated, no big deal. People cheat everyday and this is a well known flaw of the human condition.

 

What is really awkward is the shifting of the blame and the inability to accept guilt in a gracious and honorable manner. OP should come clean and move on.

 

 

Ah. Well, she did finally come clean to him (I believe she updated), but the BH is still being borderline abusive. I don't just mean in regards to informing the kids; it's the manner in which he's acting that's sending off warning sirens in my head, here. He's coming off not just as a hurt spouse, but as a sadistic, self-righteous punisher, or something. I could be misinterpreting, but he seems to be lowering a bladed pendulum over her, while claiming to be on board with recon. This seems contradictory to me. If he wishes to reconcile, why is he being so vicious? Wouldn't it be better for him to just file for divorce, and save them both the agony?

 

As it is, the OP is opting for divorce, at this point because of this; BH may be justified in being hurt and angry, but I still stand by my belief that he doesn't need to go as far as he's going with this.

[Artie Lang]

affairs are not "mistakes." they are well thought out decisions.

 

yours was a year-long decision. get that straight.

 

 

furthermore, if you plan on being honest now, i suggest you inform him and your children of your plans to divorce once all is said and done. given the circumstances, you don't want another sh*tstorm brewing.

Edited June 30, 2013 by Artie Lang

[Pierre]

Good choice to divorce. You'd never have peace in your life otherwise. It cracks me up to read about the malicious things BS's do "in the name of anger" but that's all ok...and they want to reconcile. No thanks. Oh...and if he had a keylogger on a computer passworded by you and registered only to you, that is most likely illegal. Just because you did something wrong, doesn't make it ok for him to be abusive...which is what he is doing.

 

Key loggers are legal. Most big companies have key loggers on their computers. Marital property laws are well known.

 

It would be foolish to go to court and place this claim to the judge.

 

Why are cheating spouses so offended by key loggers?