Pierre Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Um.. Pierre, I think you've misread. What you bolded doesn't say that his demand is that she be honest with the kids. What she said was "if I admit to him that it was true". He wants her to come clean about something to him -- not to the kids. He's using the her relationship with their kids as a way to get her to tell him whatever the "it" is in that sentence. The first inclination is to think that "it" refers to the affair. But after asking TR, she confirmed she admitted the affair to her husband. So that raises the question of what "it" is that he wants her to admit to him. There's something other than the affair itself that TR's H wants her to tell him about and intends to turn her children against her until she does. The question is what does he want her to admit to? What he's demanding could be reasonable or it could be unreasonable. We don't have enough information yet to know. OK, this is her second post: I have stopped denying the affair but he keeps badgering me about details and if I had feelings for the OM or not. Admitting to an affair and not providing the details is probably driving this man insane. She should admit she had feelings for the OM and that she loved him while she was having the affair. Everybody in the planet knows affair sex is hotter than 20 year old sex in a mariage. Just give the info the BH needs so he can make a decision. However, I suspect BH cannot make any decisions and the only thing he can do is act in an irrational manner. I suspect the BH has a very tiny glimmer of hope and would want MOW to say that the OM sucked in bed and that she hated every minute of it. Just give some info to the guy. He has lost one year of his life in an instant. When I met my husband I had just broken up with the OM ( we were high school boyfriend and girlfriend for 3 years) and he knew at that time I was heartbroken. I was only 18 and my H thinks that I never stopped caring about him. It was 100% by accident that I ran into the OM (26 years without seeing eachother) but my H thinks it was all planned. I can't talk about that anymore because for 1 it's not true and I am not going to go into detail about the affair. I think the poor guy is gasping for straws and the MOW has put a zipper in her mouth. He is so bitter and angry so I am just trying to be as cordial as possible during this time. He keeps reminding me that he holds the keys to repairing my relationship with my kids (every chance he gets) I just try to be as nice as possible. I am going to divorce him once we sell our house and get our finances in order. What kills me is he thinks we can reconcile but he is do mean to me why would I ever agree to him feeling like he has the right to treat me badly for the next 20 years because of 1 mistake. I say No Thanks! Bitter and angry???????? That is normal for many people. It seems OP cannot understand why the BH is upset? One mistake, OK, no big deal. The kids will forgive the MOW, they always do. The BH is acting like a drama queen. A bit of empathy from his wife would probably help. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
The Way I Am Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Pierre, you're repeating points I already made, specifically about how a lack of information could be driving TR's H mad. But instead of waiting for TR to fill in any gaps, you're filling them with your own assumptions. You could be 100% correct or you could be wrong. Usually, your advice is pretty on target, but in this case, I don't think there's enough info here to come to those conclusions. TitanicRose, if you're still around, sorry for all the talking about instead of to you. Hope you'll check in soon. Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 The kids will forgive the MOW, they always do. Actually no, they don't. I know of one woman who had an affair and since her marriage ended as a result several years ago she has missed out on a marriage, 2 births and a graduation. Her adult children want absolutely nothing to do with her. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
HopingAgain Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Actually no, they don't. I know of one woman who had an affair and since her marriage ended as a result several years ago she has missed out on a marriage, 2 births and a graduation. Her adult children want absolutely nothing to do with her. Ouch! That's a heavy price to pay! I know some men and women this has happened to as the result of an affair. Kids can hold grudges for years and years, even adult ones! Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Ouch! That's a heavy price to pay! I know some men and women this has happened to as the result of an affair. Kids can hold grudges for years and years, even adult ones! It is also very unfair in that the husband in this case was unfaithful many times and the kids know it yet they are fine with him. Her affair was the final straw for the marriage and she gets all the blame. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) It is also very unfair in that the husband in this case was unfaithful many times and the kids know it yet they are fine with him. Her affair was the final straw for the marriage and she gets all the blame. The serial cheater is the MOW's OM, not her BH. Edited July 1, 2013 by Pierre Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I'm gonna throw out my suggestions and opinions (I know...big surprise! ). First off...so the BH told the adult children...he's allowed/entitled to do so, and personally I don't see an issue...with that on it's own. They're adults, in an adult world where this happens...they're going to have to decide what they want to do in light of this information, however unfair and painful it is to deal with. Where I disagree with what's happening is his attempt to blackmail the OP by trying to steer their decision making. That's garbage, and frankly the OP needs to reach out to her kids directly, and give them the open and honest truth of the whole situation, and try to reconcile and rebuild her relationship with them on her own. If her H attempts to sabotage that effort...she needs to inform him that they're adults and allowed to make their own choices, but she should NOT give in to his attempts to blackmail her. I also thinks she needs to sit down and decide whether or not there's anything left to reconcile her marriage from. Sounds to me like her H is so damaged/devestated by her choices that he simply may not be CAPABLE of being that rational, loving man that he may have been before all of this. Her M may well be over at this point as a result of her affair. So my recommendation to her would be to put the majority of her efforts into deciding whether or not her marriage is reconcilable, and into rebuilding her relationship with her children...and removing the 'threat' her H is trying to hold over her head as well. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Thought I'd go ahead and add...the OP may well have damaged/destroyed her relationship with her adult children irretrievably as well. They may continue to see her betrayal of their father as a betrayal of the family as a whole, and may or may not forgive her for it. That's all part and parcel of her actions. These have always been potential outcomes, potential repercussions, of her choice to engage in infidelity. Whether or not she considered these as possibilities during that activity, she had to know in the back of her mind the risks she was taking. But...she may well be able to rebuild her relationship with them over time as well. It depends on a lot of things. Her relationship with them before all this occurred, primarily. What their family structure and dynamic was like while they were growing up, what values/morals they were taught vs what they were 'shown' growing up, etc... The OP needs to take away her BH's 'threat' of blackmail...evaluate her relationships with him, and with her kids....seperately...and figure out what she needs to do to try to repair or properly end these relationships as appropriate. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Spark1111 Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 No one can make any adult do, say, or hate anyone else. Period. So why not be honest and pro-active on this? Write your children a heart felt letter asking for forgiveness and inform them you intend to divorce (oh, you have told your H this, right?) and that you hope they come to forgive you.....that you love them...and that you hope their father does not poison them against you as he continually threatens to do if you continue to omit. Tell your H your intentions too. divorce, hoping to have the best relationship possible with your children despite his actions. You still seem foggy, as in your OM's wife believed him as he threw you under the bus and he got away scot-free? is this still of import to you as your family crumbles around you and distances themselves? As for dragging kids into marital problems, get real everyone. is it wrong? of course it is and damaging too. but it happens everyday as couples head to divorce whether an affair preceded it or not. Divorce is one of the most acrimonious events a couple can go through, and rare is the person who NEVER drops a contemptuous comment in front of the children. very rare. There are ways to do divorce right, but it involves long-term counseling, separation, family counseling, dissolution, and THEN, in a few years, you introduce the kids to your date. NO MATTER what their ages are. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
anne1707 Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 The serial cheater is the MOW's OM, not her BH. Pierre - I was not talking about the OP. I was talking about a clear example that disproves your claim that all children will forgive MOW. Link to post Share on other sites
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