I really screwed up!

[Pierre]

Ah. Well, she did finally come clean to him (I believe she updated), but the BH is still being borderline abusive. I don't just mean in regards to informing the kids; it's the manner in which he's acting that's sending off warning sirens in my head, here. He's coming off not just as a hurt spouse, but as a sadistic, self-righteous punisher, or something. I could be misinterpreting, but he seems to be lowering a bladed pendulum over her, while claiming to be on board with recon. This seems contradictory to me. If he wishes to reconcile, why is he being so vicious? Wouldn't it be better for him to just file for divorce, and save them both the agony?

 

As it is, the OP is opting for divorce, at this point because of this; BH may be justified in being hurt and angry, but I still stand by my belief that he doesn't need to go as far as he's going with this.

 

IF the BH breaks a law and is abusive i suggest OP calls the police. If there is abuse she should immediately leave the home and go to a shelter or better go and stay with her family.

 

Whatever the irate drama queen BH does is moot. Nothing changes the fact that MOW was doing the OM on the side. As I said, no big deal! Just come clean with all the details. I think the BH wants the details. He needs to figure out one entire year of his marriage.

 

MOW is not obligated to try to make her BH feel better. If she cannot do that she is probably extremely defensive, ashamed, or simply does not care.

[happy stillmore]

I feel your pain. That is a mother's worst fear, to fear losing the love of her children. Your husband should not have done that. I consider it abuse, no matter what their ages are. He knowingly inflicted psychological harm on your children. I would be so angry. I am in a situation where my husband could easily do the same same thing but he isn't due to not wanting to hurt the children. Shame on him! I hope your children can look at the whole picture for your sake. Be strong.

[Pierre]

I feel your pain. That is a mother's worst fear, to fear losing the love of her children. Your husband should not have done that. I consider it abuse, no matter what their ages are. He knowingly inflicted psychological harm on your children. I would be so angry. I am in a situation where my husband could easily do the same same thing but he isn't due to not wanting to hurt the children. Shame on him! I hope your children can look at the whole picture for your sake. Be strong.

 

OP MOW betrayed her H and her adult grown kids.

 

Some may say the adult kids need to know the truth.

 

I understand why you want to keep the secret from your children. But, the kids were deceived.

[Artie Lang]

so what about the "abuse" thrust upon her husband..... many people would consider that(affair) to be tantamount to emotional abuse of some kind.

 

 

Shame on him!

 

really??? shame on him?

[The Way I Am]

I have stopped denying the affair but he keeps badgering me about details and if I had feelings for the OM or not. When I met my husband I had just broken up with the OM ( we were high school boyfriend and girlfriend for 3 years) and he knew at that time I was heartbroken. I was only 18 and my H thinks that I never stopped caring about him. It was 100% by accident that I ran into the OM (26 years without seeing eachother) but my H thinks it was all planned. I can't talk about that anymore because for 1 it's not true and I am not going to go into detail about the affair.

 

He is so bitter and angry so I am just trying to be as cordial as possible during this time. He keeps reminding me that he holds the keys to repairing my relationship with my kids (every chance he gets) I just try to be as nice as possible. I am going to divorce him once we sell our house and get our finances in order. What kills me is he thinks we can reconcile but he is do mean to me why would I ever agree to him feeling like he has the right to treat me badly for the next 20 years because of 1 mistake. I say No Thanks!

 

This is a dilemma. On the one hand, his desire to know the details is understandable. On the other, his use of your children as blackmail to get those details is despicable.

 

Is it that he wants the details of the affair and you won't give him any or have you told him and he isn't satisfied because the real story doesn't fit his preconception that it was all planned?

 

Did you tell him the circumstances of the affair and he wants all the dirty details? Or did you withhold all details and not even tell him how you ended up reconnecting with the OM?

 

There's a certain level of detail that's reasonable and will allow him to come to grips before moving on. There's an even greater level of detail needed to feel comfortable forgiving and staying with the person who's cheated on you. If he thinks you're going to stay married, he may be desperate for the details necessary to aid reconciliation. If he knows that won't be happening, he may no longer see those details as necessary information.

 

From what you know of your husband, do you think telling him firmly of your intent to divorce and discussing the level of information that he needs to move on will help the situation or would it just upset him more?

[canuckprincess]

. She bought his line of BS. I cant believe it! I don't want to be with him but I really cant believe a woman would believe that line of crap.

 

 

You'd be surprised what a woman would believe when it comes to the spouse cheating. She knows he's full of bull but IMO she's scared and is afraid of lossing him so she sticks her head in the sand and pretends they have a happy marriage and you chased after him. I'm sure that isn't the case, I read on another site a ws had written even though on dday he wanted to leave his wife he got scared and agreed to go no contact. He said in actuality the no contact was just a ploy to through his bs off his scent. Turns out he found it quite easy to pull the wool over his wife's eyes. I don't believe it was because she was niave I think she like him was just scared. So several months after dday he continues his ema and she looks the other way. Twisted I think but it appears to work for them according to the ws.

 

As far as you being blackmailed by your ex, I'd leave him and eventually your kids will come around. They may not be mature enough to handle it at this moment in time.

 

Best of luck to you.

Edited June 30, 2013 by canuckprincess
Spelling

[The Way I Am]

Some may say the adult kids need to know the truth.

 

There's a difference between telling the kids so that they're aware of what's going on and using the kids as a punishment device to get what you want from the other person.

 

My coworker's wife had a EA over Facebook with someone from high school and decided to divorce because of it. His W actually told their 18-22 year old kids herself, because she was delusional enough to think they would be happy for her. They hate her right now, and he's completely devastated, but he says he does nothing to encourage them to hate her, and when they badmouth her, he reminds them that she's still their mother. That's the proper way to handle it. Having an affair is terrible, but IMO, using your children as tools for manipulation is much worse, and anyone who would react that way to being cheated on is not worth staying with.

[JustAReformedGirl]

There's a difference between telling the kids so that they're aware of what's going on and using the kids as a punishment device to get what you want from the other person.

 

My coworker's wife had a EA over Facebook with someone from high school and decided to divorce because of it. His W actually told their 18-22 year old kids herself, because she was delusional enough to think they would be happy for her. They hate her right now, and he's completely devastated, but he says he does nothing to encourage them to hate her, and when they badmouth her, he reminds them that she's still their mother. That's the proper way to handle it. Having an affair is terrible, but IMO, using your children as tools for manipulation is much worse, and anyone who would react that way to being cheated on is not worth staying with.

 

I mostly agree with this sentiment, but I also know there may be bouts of temporary insanity that result in the BS doing that. Otherwise, this is my stance as well.

[Pierre]

There's a difference between telling the kids so that they're aware of what's going on and using the kids as a punishment device to get what you want from the other person.

 

My coworker's wife had a EA over Facebook with someone from high school and decided to divorce because of it. His W actually told their 18-22 year old kids herself, because she was delusional enough to think they would be happy for her. They hate her right now, and he's completely devastated, but he says he does nothing to encourage them to hate her, and when they badmouth her, he reminds them that she's still their mother. That's the proper way to handle it. Having an affair is terrible, but IMO, using your children as tools for manipulation is much worse, and anyone who would react that way to being cheated on is not worth staying with.

 

I know of many grown people who learned the father or the mother were cheating as they were growing up or learned of cheating that happened after they left the home. Most are deeply hurt and damaged by this. The betrayal hurts the children whether the betrayed spouse encourages acrimony or not.

 

 

I think OP is too insecure to admit guilt without trying to shift the blame.

[The Way I Am]

I know of many grown people who learned the father or the mother were cheating as they were growing up or learned of cheating that happened after they left the home. Most are deeply hurt and damaged by this. The betrayal hurts the children whether the betrayed spouse encourages acrimony or not.

 

Earlier in this thread, I pointed out that learning of the affair is damaging to the children, so you'll get no argument from me on that point.

 

But adding malicious manipulation by one parent on top of the affair is worse than the original affair IMO. Anyone who disagrees that manipulating your kids as blackmail of your partner is not worse than cheating is free to think so, but they're not going to ever convince me that's the case.

 

OP should own the blame for the affair but not for how her H is handling it. She does have to now deal with that situation and work on her relationship with her children in spite of her H trying to sabotage it because she chose to marry the man and to cheat on him.

[Goodbye]

I personally would keep the infidelity a secret.

 

However, the infidelity experts in the betrayed spouses forum suggest that all in the family should be informed of the affair and that includes the grown kids.

 

Little ones hurt much less than the adult kids. The latter often feel as betrayed as the spouse.

 

The betrayed spouse has the right to publish the affair. The wandering wife also had to right to choose an OM for sex. There are no laws against this.

 

I think the MOW is trying to shift blame and is protecting the OM who seems to be an exceptional liar and deceitful man.

 

The OP should simply be truthful and divorce her H. This poor man deserves a faithful wife and kindest thing the MOW could do is divorce him.

 

There is nothing complicated in here.

 

With time the grown children will forgive the adultery of the mother. However, OP needs to be truthful with her children. As I said some adult kids are massively hurt by this type of betrayal.

 

This is rather simple.

 

 

There was just a very good article on CNN yesterday...still there, about what grown children of divorce wish they'd had. Number one was NOT to be involved in the drama which caused the divorce. They don't want to know. And, it is emotionally damaging for them. The only one who benefits from the outing is the BS. Yes, the BS needs to feel better, but telling the whole family is not the way to do it. Personally, for help with my kids on such a large matter, I don't think I'd consult "the experts on the infidelity board.":rolleyes:

[Goodbye]

This is a dilemma. On the one hand, his desire to know the details is understandable. On the other, his use of your children as blackmail to get those details is despicable.

 

Is it that he wants the details of the affair and you won't give him any or have you told him and he isn't satisfied because the real story doesn't fit his preconception that it was all planned?

 

Did you tell him the circumstances of the affair and he wants all the dirty details? Or did you withhold all details and not even tell him how you ended up reconnecting with the OM?

 

There's a certain level of detail that's reasonable and will allow him to come to grips before moving on. There's an even greater level of detail needed to feel comfortable forgiving and staying with the person who's cheated on you. If he thinks you're going to stay married, he may be desperate for the details necessary to aid reconciliation. If he knows that won't be happening, he may no longer see those details as necessary information.

 

From what you know of your husband, do you think telling him firmly of your intent to divorce and discussing the level of information that he needs to move on will help the situation or would it just upset him more?

 

 

 

I agree that the BS is likely emotionally fueled and wants details in search of some sort of answers. BUT...she has admitted to the affair. If she goes on to divorce, I think that is enough. That is the closing of the book. If she stays and reconciles, well then the BS may be entitled to know the dirty details, I suppose. I'd not recommend that. Generally it just breeds obsessive thinking.

[spice4life]

You can't control how other people behave. Ops h should not influence the kids, but op shOuld not have had an affair.

 

All this "he has no right" is redundant. People can & do say whatever they want to their grown kids.

 

It's interesting that people will drop a bomb on their family by having an affair, and then expect to control the fallout. When the truth eventually threatens the Ws image that she wants to portray to her kids, then all of the sudden they care about the relationships with their kids.

 

People are unpredictable. An affair can make the most calm and patient man lose it. When you have an affair, you take a huge gamble. On one end of the spectrum a man may be kind and accepting, on the other end, affairs can drive a man to murder. You dont know what an individuals reaction will be.

 

In this case, the kids are grown and their father will tell them whatever he chooses to. Op must deal with that. The kids are old enough to form their own opinions regarding their morhers actions. I think being honest with them and owning your behavior is a good start.

 

Sure, he can tell them whatever he wants, but it still does not make it right. That is blurring the boundaries between the parent child relationship. Telling them as a manipulation to blackmail their mother is wrong and despicable. Yes, she should not have had an affair and I agree she needs to own it - especially now - but that doesn't excuse his behavior.

 

I completely agree with your last sentence and that basically was the point of my post. She needs to be honest with them now and show them through actions how remorseful she is for hurting them. I never bad mouthed my exH to my children, but he used to trash me every chance he got and it came back to bite him in the rearend. It damaged his relationship with them.

 

Manipulation and blackmail is not justified no matter how much someone is in pain.

[Pierre]

There was just a very good article on CNN yesterday...still there, about what grown children of divorce wish they'd had. Number one was NOT to be involved in the drama which caused the divorce. They don't want to know. And, it is emotionally damaging for them. The only one who benefits from the outing is the BS. Yes, the BS needs to feel better, but telling the whole family is not the way to do it. Personally, for help with my kids on such a large matter, I don't think I'd consult "the experts on the infidelity board.":rolleyes:

 

Sure, ignorance is bliss. The parents would have to keep the secret and this can be done at times in a successful manner. I think this is best when the wandering spouse has decided to work on the marriage and therefore sees no need to bring the pain of infidelity to the kids.

 

 

However, if the parents are divorcing the children need to know why the parents are splitting. Gaslighting the children in this instance may not be the best manner to proceed.

 

Children will forgive the unfaithful parent 99% if they are told with sincerity. They may be angry and hurt at the onset, but eventually they forgive.

 

The grown kids of the OP wil eventually forgive her after the dust settles down and she has been divorced for a while. But, I get the feeling OP wants a divorce and at the same time she wants to be the "good guy in the movie".

 

There is even the possibility the kids may think it was the dad the one that was unfaithful if no one comes clean with the truth.

 

I checked the infidelity websites and informing everybody seems pretty standard. Some former wayward spouses advocate this practice too. I see how the unfaithful spouse can see this as revenge and I don't blame them for feeling ostracized.

 

I think the best thing to do is to assume responsibility and accept all blame without trying to provide excuses or trying to blame the husband. If OP does this she will come ahead.

[ComingInHot]

Now I Don't agree that BH outed the A to his Adult kids WITH DETAIL. And is now using the Beteayal to blackmail his W.

 

But I DO agree w/Telling the truth to those affected by Infidelity, IF most likely the kids are at an age where they can & will "overhear" , understand etc.

 

I am confused as to why Some here think it's Not alright for a BS to tell whomever they feel they Need to about the A.

 

May be they "couldn't control themselves" and keep their mouths Zipped just like the MS & OW/OM "couldn't control themselves" and keep their pants/skirts Zipped.

 

Maybe... it just happened...*

[Pierre]

it just happened...*

 

The most celebrated phrase in the forum! Very good post!

[canuckprincess]

Now I Don't agree that BH outed the A to his Adult kids WITH DETAIL. And is now using the Beteayal to blackmail his W.

 

But I DO agree w/Telling the truth to those affected by Infidelity, IF most likely the kids are at an age where they can & will "overhear" , understand etc.

 

I am confused as to why Some here think it's Not alright for a BS to tell whomever they feel they Need to about the A.

 

May be they "couldn't control themselves" and keep their mouths Zipped just like the MS & OW/OM "couldn't control themselves" and keep their pants/skirts Zipped.

 

Maybe... it just happened...*

 

Agreed the bs has the right to talk about how their life has been affected by the affair but come on " blackmail" that crosses lines as well. Maybe her bs gets off on hearing all about the sex she had with her om. I've come to realize there are plenty of twisted kinky people in this world. Since op is divorcing anyway why not give him what he wants. Tell him all about the incredible sex.

[The Way I Am]

I agree that the BS is likely emotionally fueled and wants details in search of some sort of answers. BUT...she has admitted to the affair. If she goes on to divorce, I think that is enough. That is the closing of the book. If she stays and reconciles, well then the BS may be entitled to know the dirty details, I suppose. I'd not recommend that. Generally it just breeds obsessive thinking.

 

That's pretty much in agreement with what I tried to say. Maybe didn't say it very well.

 

From what TitanicRose has told us, it's not clear to me whether she's told her H of her intent to divorce or to what extent OP has talked to her husband about this or what type of details he's looking for.

 

I'm not sure if the H has been told all the info we have and informed of the intent to divorce but he's prying for more details than are healthy to know. Or if he's just been told nothing more than, "I had an affair" and is desperate to know enough to try to fix his marriage while unaware that TR has no interest in reconciliation.

 

The H could be asking for unreasonable info and TR is right to set the boundary and say that's too much. Or H could be asking for reasonable info and TR is seeing it as unreasonable. The only info we know he wants is if she was in love with OM, which is borderline IMO and its appropriateness depends on the rest of the information he's looking for.

 

It seems to me that the people on opposing sides here are assuming different circumstances. Some are assuming H is informed but prying for too many details. Others are assuming H has been given no details and just looking to be informed.

[The Way I Am]

May be they "couldn't control themselves" and keep their mouths Zipped just like the MS & OW/OM "couldn't control themselves" and keep their pants/skirts Zipped.

 

Maybe... it just happened...*

 

In this case, BH has told her he will make the kids hate her unless she gives him the details and will help her with her relationship with them if he doesn't.

 

If it did "just happen" that he told the kids -- because he wanted support or just didn't know what else to do, etc., that would be completely understandable. But he's deliberately using them for manipulation. I can't sympathize with that.

[Goodbye]

Now I Don't agree that BH outed the A to his Adult kids WITH DETAIL. And is now using the Beteayal to blackmail his W.

 

But I DO agree w/Telling the truth to those affected by Infidelity, IF most likely the kids are at an age where they can & will "overhear" , understand etc.

 

I am confused as to why Some here think it's Not alright for a BS to tell whomever they feel they Need to about the A.

 

May be they "couldn't control themselves" and keep their mouths Zipped just like the MS & OW/OM "couldn't control themselves" and keep their pants/skirts Zipped.

 

Maybe... it just happened...*

 

 

I do think it is alright for the BS to tell whatever ADULTS she/he feels should know. If telling ADULTS helps...go for it. It is the dragging of the kids into the muck that isn't good.

 

CIH...I do think you are a balanced woman who has come through your ordeal quite well. Did you involve your kids after you found out about your husband's affair? I ask because I do think it is relevant to the original topic, not trying to thread jack...just interested in hearing about how parents who've actually been through it handle it. I am divorced, but not due to infidelity...my H did cheat, but that isn't why the marriage ended. We told our children that we were both very sorry the marriage was ending, but we'd do whatever we could to make the transition as easy as possible for them. I don't think they really needed to know that I thought their dad was a controlling a$$. As they have gotten older, they've asked a few questions, but mostly they just want to be able to love both of us. They don't want to point fingers.

[Pierre]

 

My husband doesn't know he talked his way out of it or I am sure he would send more evidence. He is determined to ruin their marriage and I have made perfectly clear to my H that i have no intention of being with the OM ever.

 

May I asked what was the goal of the affair?

 

 

My H told my kids about the affair (in detail) and now they wont speak to me. He told me last night if I admit to him that it was true he would help me repair my relationship with my kids and if I didn't admit it he would do everything in his power to make sure they never speak to me again. What choice do I have? My kids are all adults. I have called them and texted them that I will be there to talk to them when they are ready and that I love them. I am a wreck I cant sleep, eat or work. I know I made some major mistakes and did alot of stupid things so I hope someday my kids can forgive me.

 

In my experience in these situations the kids tend to align themselves with the faithful parent unless the faithful parent is awful. Initially the wandering spouse may feel ostracized. I also get the feeling the OP has not admitted to the kids she was unfaithful.

 

See the part in bold above:

 

Apparently this is the demand. BH wants the wife to come clean with the kids. IF she comes clean then there is no threat.

 

OP: Things will get better over the next several months. But you can expedite your own personal recovery by being truthful.

[ComingInHot]

The Way I Am, Oh My gosh, I was totally being sarcastic w/that line. I am sorry of you read that as serious cause I'd appear do you to have my bead up my butt... LOL*

[ComingInHot]

Goodbye,

Our children were young. Too young to divulge anything more than mommy and daddy are having a problem that we are going to work out but No Matter What We BOTH LOVE YOU TWO VERY MUCH. This has nothing whatsoever to do w/you*.

 

They were good w/that. *

[The Way I Am]

See the part in bold above:

 

Apparently this is the demand. BH wants the wife to come clean with the kids. IF she comes clean then there is no threat.

 

OP: Things will get better over the next several months. But you can expedite your own personal recovery by being truthful.

 

Um.. Pierre, I think you've misread. What you bolded doesn't say that his demand is that she be honest with the kids.

 

What she said was "if I admit to him that it was true". He wants her to come clean about something to him -- not to the kids. He's using the her relationship with their kids as a way to get her to tell him whatever the "it" is in that sentence.

 

The first inclination is to think that "it" refers to the affair. But after asking TR, she confirmed she admitted the affair to her husband.

 

So that raises the question of what "it" is that he wants her to admit to him. There's something other than the affair itself that TR's H wants her to tell him about and intends to turn her children against her until she does. The question is what does he want her to admit to?

 

What he's demanding could be reasonable or it could be unreasonable. We don't have enough information yet to know.

Edited June 30, 2013 by The Way I Am

[The Way I Am]

The Way I Am, Oh My gosh, I was totally being sarcastic w/that line. I am sorry of you read that as serious cause I'd appear do you to have my bead up my butt... LOL*

 

Ah. Sorry. Thought you were being serious.