Girlfriend has no time for me

[robtax]

For the past month or so, my girlfriend seems to have no time for me, but all the time in the world for others. We used to hang out several times a week, but around the beginning of June that all stopped. Several weeks ago, we went nine days without hanging out or doing on a quick date or anything. I was pretty upset about this. Not so much because we didn't get to see each other, but of her total careless attitude about it all. I had a special date planned, along with many surprises, and I told her this. She was very excited, but the next day her care broke down so that date was off. Now, yes this annoyed me, but I know it wasn't her fault. What bothered me most was that she seemed not to care. She was just like "Sorry, we'll do it another time." Knowing that I had taken a lot of time to plan things out, it annoyed me that she was just like "Oops, sorry!" Never even brought up any of the surprises and special things I had planned. She rarely said I miss you, which also annoyed me, since we had been together 5 months at the time, and that was the longest we had gone with out seeing one another. Finally, we got to hang out, and things were normal.

 

Fast foward to earlier this week. We made plans to hang one day. She wasn't totally sure we could hang out because she hasn't gotten her work schedule for the week yet, so she told me she had some chores around the house to do real quick and that she would call me and let me know if we could. Four hours later she texts me and tells me she just got off of work and was headed home. So I had to sit around all day with nothing to do because I had already told everyone that I was already busy. If she would have had the courtesy to call and let me know she had work, I could've hung with a friend or something.

 

So I told her about how I hadn't seen her in nearly a week and about how ridiculous it is. When you live 15 minutes away, and drive past my home nearly every day to and from work, there is entirely no reason that you can not make enough room for simply a couple dates in the week. She got mad at me and thought it was a bit clingly of me. In reality, she is not that busy. Aside from work, she hang around her house most of the day. Yesterday we finally got to go on a date. She told me that she was very sorry and that she loved me and that she totally saw where I was coming from after she thought about it. We only got the hang out for about two hours and then she had to go. She felt bad about the date being cut off so early, and suggested we go to a sale at the mall together tomorrow. I happily agree.

 

Today, when I bring up the date, she tells me "Oh sorry, I may be going to buy a bike tomorrow." I absolutely hate when people cancel last minute like that. Then she tells me how she is going boating with her cousin on Sunday. She has time for her friends, and family, and self, but will not make time for me. Any time we make plans, I hold my breath because I honestly don't know if they will fall through or not. It is so frustrating dating someone who lives so close, but only being able to see her maybe once a week. I'm not asking for entire dates together, I just would like a couple days a week where we can spend a bit of time together. I hate how she continues to cancel plans like it is no big deal.

 

I have asked countless times if this is her way of wanting out or wanting me to back off and she gets all upset that I would even think that, and assures me that she loves me more than anything and wouldn't want to break up with me, and I believe her, so I don't know what the deal is. Is asking to see my girlfriend a couple times a week really that much to deal with? We've been together nearly 6 months now and are both 19.

[brandnew2]

I feel for you, but this is not good at all. She's clearly losing interest in you and there's nothing you can do. In fact, by getting angry at her about it she's just going to be even more turned off by you.

 

She's taking the path of least resistance here. She doesn't want to deal with the drama of breaking up with you and the uncomfortable feeling of breaking your heart, but she also doesn't want to see you. So she's going to keep pretending she's "busy".

 

If she wanted to see you, she would make time for you. If she doesn't , she'll invent excuses.

 

Trust your intuition on this one. You can sense her responses to your texts seem unenthusiastic. Your conversations are just her going through the motions and not a genuine desire to talk to you. And she's making plans with people she wants to be with and making excuses for you.

 

I know it's frustrating, but that's just how women are. When the luster and intrigue wears off, there's not a thing you can do about it.

 

What you should do is just ignore her for a few days. Don't talk to her, don't make plans with her, don't even think about her. Find something to do to keep yourself busy, anything. She may realize what she's done and come back wanting to spend more time with you, or she may be getting what she wants and just let you fade away. But in any event, it needs to be done to end this cycle of agony for you.

[robtax]

I honestly do not think she wants to break up. I'm a pretty damn pessemistic person, so I always expect the worst. For several weeks, I actually thought what you just described was the case, and I confronted her about it and told her if what she wanted was to break up, that she could, and that there would be no hard feelings. She insisted, though, that this is not what she wants at all, and had no idea where I would get an idea like that and constantly assures me she loves me and that she loves being in a relationship. When we are together, everything is fine and she is pretty affectionate, loving, etc.

[brandnew2]

I honestly do not think she wants to break up. I'm a pretty damn pessemistic person, so I always expect the worst. For several weeks, I actually thought what you just described was the case, and I confronted her about it and told her if what she wanted was to break up, that she could, and that there would be no hard feelings. She insisted, though, that this is not what she wants at all, and had no idea where I would get an idea like that and constantly assures me she loves me and that she loves being in a relationship. When we are together, everything is fine and she is pretty affectionate, loving, etc.

 

doesn't matter. You will soon learn to discredit what women say and look at how they act. She wants to break up. She may not even know this consciously, but she certainly doesn't want to be with you for the right reasons.

 

Breaking up sucks. Both people's feelings are hurt and it leads to a long road of recovery. You two are saying "I love you" to each other so you're either flippant 19 year olds (likely) or truly do have a strong bond. In either case, she doesn't want to face the harsh reality of breaking up so she's just going to perpetuate things and string you along.

[robtax]

brandnew- i was not aware you knew every single woman living and how they all think

[Cpt]

I feel for you, but this is not good at all. She's clearly losing interest in you and there's nothing you can do. In fact, by getting angry at her about it she's just going to be even more turned off by you.

 

She's taking the path of least resistance here. She doesn't want to deal with the drama of breaking up with you and the uncomfortable feeling of breaking your heart, but she also doesn't want to see you. So she's going to keep pretending she's "busy".

 

If she wanted to see you, she would make time for you. If she doesn't , she'll invent excuses.

 

Trust your intuition on this one. You can sense her responses to your texts seem unenthusiastic. Your conversations are just her going through the motions and not a genuine desire to talk to you. And she's making plans with people she wants to be with and making excuses for you.

 

I know it's frustrating, but that's just how women are. When the luster and intrigue wears off, there's not a thing you can do about it.

 

What you should do is just ignore her for a few days. Don't talk to her, don't make plans with her, don't even think about her. Find something to do to keep yourself busy, anything. She may realize what she's done and come back wanting to spend more time with you, or she may be getting what she wants and just let you fade away. But in any event, it needs to be done to end this cycle of agony for you.

 

This, plus there could be a possibility that there's another guy in the picture. Not saying that's the situation, but it is a possibilty. Sorry you are going through this. Are you keeping tabs on her activity? (not stalking as such) is there any behaviour that makes you suspect anything? She could be going through something, or losing interest, or cheating. I know it will be hard but just take a step back for a little while and try do your own thing. As brandnew said, don't initiate anything for now, if she really loves you, she will make time for you and make an effort. It can't be just a one way street of you wanting to spend time with her. If she doesn't initiate anything, then you have your answer. In these situations it's important to stay calm and not act too needy. If she says you are being needy (which I think is ridiculous of her), then just be less needy in her eyes. This is a very tricky and unfortunate situation to be in... I would know because I was in it 2 months ago, and she eventually pulled a "fade away" on me and I had to break up with her. Felt like I was the one who was dumped. Never found out if there was another guy or not, but I definitely know she lost interest. Just be very careful with your heart from here onwards, hope for the best and expect the worst!

[brandnew2]

brandnew- i was not aware you knew every single woman living and how they all think

 

You have an issue with what I'm saying. It seems pretty cut and dry to me.

[robtax]

I know reading texts is wrong, but out of curiousity to see if anything was going on, I did, and all I found was her saying positive stuff about me! Example- one of her friends asked how life was going and she said something like "Awesome! I have wonderful friends, an amazing boyfriend, and everything is great!"

[justwhoiam]

Dump her. You call her and say: "Hi (her name), I thought of this a little bit and I want to break up with you. Thanks for the nice time we had together."

 

As simple as that. She might welcome it or get desperate and clingy. You should dump her anyway because if she's not into you that much anymore, there's no point in going on. And if she is but what she does it's just due to her personalities and her ways, you're better off without her. More so long term.

[brandnew2]

I know reading texts is wrong, but out of curiousity to see if anything was going on, I did, and all I found was her saying positive stuff about me! Example- one of her friends asked how life was going and she said something like "Awesome! I have wonderful friends, an amazing boyfriend, and everything is great!"

 

Refer to what I said before. Don't pay attention to words (or texts) when the actions tell a different story. All that text shows is that she's trying to project a happy, positive life on whoever she's talking to.

 

A lot of women also have an <insert boyfriend here> mentality where it is comforting for them to be in a relationship even if they don't give a damn about the person. She may be in love with her boyfriend but she doesn't seem to be in love with you. Think about what I mean by that.

[Cpt]

Actions really do speak louder than words. I learnt not to believe any womans words unless they are concurrent with her actions. Investigate on what she's really up to when she is not spending time with you. You don't have to personally do any stalking, just ask friends/family to keep an eye out and surprise her by visiting her house when you know she is not working etc (if you guys visit each others homes).

[robtax]

When we're together though, everything is totally normal! When together, all of her actions are the same they have been the past 6 months! It's only when we're apart that an issue develops.

[Cpt]

We used to hang out several times a week, but around the beginning of June that all stopped.

 

When we're together though, everything is totally normal! When together, all of her actions are the same they have been the past 6 months! It's only when we're apart that an issue develops.

 

The real problem is her not wanting to spend that time as much with you anymore. It's good she is at least not witholding affection from you, but her lack of interest in spending time with you is definitely worrisome. Has anything changed in any of your lives recently? Does she get lots of texts or calls on her phone when she is with you? You need to look for any signs if she is either going through a hard time, cheating on you or just losing interest.

[robtax]

All of the things she says sound like excuses, but they all seem to check out as accurate. When she said her car was broken down, it really was, becuase she had it fixed at my Uncle's shop. When she says she is working, I know she is because I have friends that work with her. It seems to me that she simply isn't as clingy as I am. When I'm in a relationship, I want to be with that person always. Some people just aren't like that. I will also admit that she has much more going on to occupy her time than I do. I honestly do nothing all day. I'm unemployed, and have friends, but prefer to just be to myself most of the times, so I pretty much just hang around my house. So while I have all the free time in the world to miss her, she is constantly occupied, so maybe she simply doesn't have enough time to dwell on it. She always ends up wanting to hang out, but it's on her time which annoys me. She seems to have realized that I am free 99.999% of the time, so I feel like in her mind, she can just call the shots cause she knows I'm always free. She always ends up missing me after a week or so of not seeing one another, she start saying she misses me and stuff. I would like to believe you guys, but I simply don't think she wants to end it. The morning after we got in the little argument about this, I woke up to a text from her saying that she just wanted to give me a sweet little message to start my day out with, and that she loved me. I've read her texts a few times before, and each time the texts were boring, normal girl stuff.

[robtax]

Also, I have tried to do a day or so of NC just as kind of a wake up call, but I'm on facebook a lot, and when she sees I'm on FB but not texting her back, she gets reallllly pissed off

[justwhoiam]

You're not clingy, you're desperate and willing to play the doormat. Any way you put it, it's not normal if she passes by your house at least twice a day, she can go a whole week without seeing you without any good reason, and even if she hasn't seen you for a week or ten days in a row, she arranges a weekend with other people not even inviting you over.

[Cpt]

Sorry if this sounds harsh, but my guess is she has lost respect for you and her interest levels are slowly decreasing. Only a matter of time before she starts being less affectionate if things continue this way. Just try to occupy yourself with other things/hobbies or better yet, try to get a job. If you are going to go NC, obviously don't go on facebook either. Make her wonder what you're up to sometimes, just try to have a life outside of her and be less dependant on her. The less time you make for her, the more time she will make for you, and I don't mean that in the douche bag way. If she knows you are always there, she will not appreciate you, she will think she can have you whenever SHE wants. By taking that power from her and being busy yourself, she will naturaly want to spend more time with you. The more respect she has for you, the more interested she will be in you again. This can go either way, you can lose her or swoop her off her feet... your choice. You have the advantage that this situation is still early, but if it continues, I almost guarantee that you will get hurt! Good luck.

[gaius]

Some girls are genuinely not needy like you said. It's weird getting used to after all the messages you get growing up about giving your girl lots of attention but it's true. If you can adapt yourself to it and still be happy then great, if not then use all the free time she's giving you to chat up other women, develop some prospects. Then move on when you find one you like!

[robtax]

So like I said, we were supposed to hang today. Are we? Nope! She told me she would let me know IN ADVANCE if we could, because she knows it annoys me when she waits until the last minute to make plans. Did she let me know in advance? No. She texts me at three telling me that her mom wants her to take her brothers to a movie. So not only did she wait until the last minute to let me know plans, but she also cancelled. When she told me this I simply texted back and said, "That's cool!" and she responded with "Thanks for understanding!" That's the thing though, I don't understand. She has time to do things when her mom asks her to, but if I ask her to do something, she acts as if she has to push mountains to make even just a couple hours with me. I have tried to talk to her multiple times and she fails to see where I'm coming from. She says, "Well my friend (name) and her boyfriend only see each other every couple of weeks." That's the thing though, we are not her friend. We are our own relationship and if I want to see the person I love more than once every two weeks, than it's not too much to ask. I know she's at the movies because I asked what movie she was going to see and she sent me a pic of her holding the tickets. I absolutely HATE how she continues to cancel, and I HATE when she waits until the last minute to let me know plans. Should I just me short with her when texting from now on? Or do I just act normal? I would love to cancel a date to give her a taste of her own medicine, but at the same time, getting to hang out lately is such a rare occurrence with her, that if I cancel, I don't know when I'll get to see her again.

[todreaminblue]

she is giving you mixed messages....i think it comes down to make or break......from you...she is making you really unhappy and that isnt fair.....sit her down face to face....and tell her you dont want to be in a relationship like you are.....

 

let her know you really dont appreciate it when she doesnt give you notice on cancelling and it is happening way too much.......tell her its her choice either you see each other a couple of times a week and that she makes time for you....or you will have to call it a day...because life is too short to be waiting around for her to spend time with you and being in a one sided relationship, where you feel you are pressuring her for her time, is making you feel off...dont be unhappy anymore.....set it straight...and if she truly loves you....she will make the time for you...it really is that simple..if things dont change after you have that talk, seriously consider calling it off...i wish you luck..............deb

[robtax]

You're desperate and that what I just highlighted is pretty petty. What would you like for us to say? Everyone here has given you their thoughts on where it sounds like this relationship is headed and what her actions mean but you don't seem to be really paying any attention.

 

I'm not paying attention because I honestly don't believe your advice is very accurate. It seems that everyone in these forums always jumps to the worst possible situation, no matter what. As I have said, I'm a 'glass half empty' kinda person, so if I believed she wanted out, I would accept it, though it'd be hard, and move on. I have before, and I would again. I simply do not think she wants out though. I have asked her countless times if that's what she wants, and she constantly rejects the idea. When we are together, she is extremely loving and caring etc. She simply doesn't give off this attitude. Example, when I don't text back within half an hour, she will almost always call and ask why she is being ignored. A girl who wants her space would not call to ask why she is being ignored, she simply would not care.

[Geiss]

Why don't you spend that time when you aren't with her looking for a job? Get something going so you aren't preoccupied with her all the time.