Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[ISayWhoa]

Hello everyone. Been married for 22 years, have 2 kids, the youngest just turned 17.

 

About 7 years ago, my wife and I were experiencing some pretty difficult times. She hinted at me that she "wasn't feeling it" emotionally with me. This was accompanied by frequent yelling at me for trivial things as well as a complete drop in sexual activity. I couldn't figure out what it was. I was providing very well, I thought I was being affectinate and considerate.

 

In any case, a year of that and I was seriously contemplating divorce. Probably would have done it had it not been for my desire to stay with the kids. Instead, regretably, I had an affair which lasted about 6 months. My wife found out and as you all can imagine, the sh*t hit the fan pretty hard. We went to counseling, I did everything I knew how to try and recover what was left of the marriage.

 

After 2 years of pure hell, things got better. But she did put me through alot as well, which I accepted given what I did.

 

Now fast forward to last week. Her laptop crashed and since I'm the tech guy, I did a disk recovery to bring back, among other things, her email box. Every time she changed laptops, I'd move over her email box. So I had alot of emails to recover. I got them all back, but in pieces. As I was merging the folders, I caught an email from 7 years ago between her and this guy Brian. She was taking personal training certification courses and he was one of the instructors.

 

The email contained enough detail for me to be sure he was having sex with her more than once, including oral, which she refuses with me. Once I read it, all the pieces suddenly fell into place. How she acted with me, the late night celebrations with other students, weekend classes, and her attitude towrds me. She seemed to always talk about Brian and how she thought he was full of himself but that he was good looking, etc. I was partially relieved because at least I knew I wasn't crazy when I thought something was amiss at the time.

 

I haven't said anything to her yet. But I'm extremely angry. Not so much that she had the affair, because I'm in no position to do that. But that she reamed me so hard on the pretense that she was this faithful betrayed wife. Not sure how to proceed now. I'm very conflicted as to what to say or if I should say anything. She does notice, I'm more standoffish that usual, but I can't help that.

[aliveagain]

Just print out the emails, put them in front of her and ask her if she has anything to tell you. Do not sweep it under the carpet, confront her, there can be no secrets. You need to both get counseling.

[ISayWhoa]

I'm not to jump into this with the celebration of a revenge affair but I have to ask, who cheated on whom first? Sorry, the timelines got a bit confusing for me.

You're right here are the cliffs:

 

1) Marriage going to hell, so I cheat and it was wrong to do so

2) Wife finds out and I'm raked over the coals until our marriage is back on track (two years, approx)

3) Recently, I find out my wife cheated on me before I did

4) I haven't said anything yet about it

[ISayWhoa]

Just print out the emails, put them in front of her and ask her if she has anything to tell you. Do not sweep it under the carpet, confront her, there can be no secrets. You need to both get counseling.

Well, at the time we did go to counseling. But of course, her affair never came up because I didn't know about it. But I do think it's a significant part of what was going wrong with the marriage.

 

Instead, she played to perfection the role of the faithful, betrayed wife. In one of the emails I saw, she was telling her female friend that she wasn't sure she loved me. The friend asked her if she told me this. Her reply was "What's the point?" In the meantime, she was sucking Brian's cock.

 

Not sure I can trust anything that comes out in counseling now, to be honest.

Edited June 29, 2013 by ISayWhoa

[Confused48]

Just print out the emails, put them in front of her and ask her if she has anything to tell you. Do not sweep it under the carpet, confront her, there can be no secrets. You need to both get counseling.

 

This sounds like a great way to begin dealing with this problem.

[ComingInHot]

I actually think this is an Extremely Important topic. It shows ALL of us WS/BS/OW/OM that the TRUTH can come to light, even YEARS later! And when it does, for the BS, it might as well have happened Yesterday.

 

I wish I had words of wisdom for you but the best has already been given.

Print off the Emails, set them in front of your W & TALK.

 

It's sounds like w/all the MC that you two have been through, communication is still a problem.

Tell your W how you feel. Take a brake if you OR she starts to yell and tyraid to distract from the topic. Then Talk some more. If you're having trouble communicating w/her or visa-versa, enlist a mediator whether that be a councilor, friend, pastor etc...

 

I truly believe that No issues can be resolved (even if you have to agree to disagree) w/out putting ALL the cards on the table.

I'm sorry your W didn't do this when she should have. It was cowardly, deceitful and twisted.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I actually think this is an Extremely Important topic. It shows ALL of us WS/BS/OW/OM that the TRUTH can come to light, even YEARS later! And when it does, for the BS, it might as well have happened Yesterday.

 

I wish I had words of wisdom for you but the best has already been given.

Print off the Emails, set them in front of your W & TALK.

 

It's sounds like w/all the MC that you two have been through, communication is still a problem.

Tell your W how you feel. Take a brake if you OR she starts to yell and tyraid to distract from the topic. Then Talk some more. If you're having trouble communicating w/her or visa-versa, enlist a mediator whether that be a councilor, friend, pastor etc...

 

 

I truly believe that No issues can be resolved (even if you have to agree to disagree) w/out putting ALL the cards on the table.

I'm sorry your W didn't do this when she should have. It was cowardly, deceitful and twisted.

 

CIH - my thoughts exactly. This is what I think so many of us have been trying to say to some of the posters who are trying to keep things secret even after ending an affair. It always comes out - eventually.

 

OP - think through how you want to handle it. But I think printing the emails and providing proof and then calmly discussing it is your best option as well. You do need the truth in order to discover how you want to move ahead in your life as well.

[karnak]

 

The email contained enough detail for me to be sure he was having sex with her more than once, including oral, which she refuses with me.

 

As stupid as this may sound to you, or other people reading this thread, this is a sign that your marriage has turned into a fraud.

 

A woman who performs sexually with other men instead of you has emotionally checked from you.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Hello everyone. Been married for 22 years, have 2 kids, the youngest just turned 17.

 

About 7 years ago, my wife and I were experiencing some pretty difficult times. She hinted at me that she "wasn't feeling it" emotionally with me. This was accompanied by frequent yelling at me for trivial things as well as a complete drop in sexual activity. I couldn't figure out what it was. I was providing very well, I thought I was being affectinate and considerate.

 

In any case, a year of that and I was seriously contemplating divorce. Probably would have done it had it not been for my desire to stay with the kids. Instead, regretably, I had an affair which lasted about 6 months. My wife found out and as you all can imagine, the sh*t hit the fan pretty hard. We went to counseling, I did everything I knew how to try and recover what was left of the marriage.

 

After 2 years of pure hell, things got better. But she did put me through alot as well, which I accepted given what I did.

 

Now fast forward to last week. Her laptop crashed and since I'm the tech guy, I did a disk recovery to bring back, among other things, her email box. Every time she changed laptops, I'd move over her email box. So I had alot of emails to recover. I got them all back, but in pieces. As I was merging the folders, I caught an email from 7 years ago between her and this guy Brian. She was taking personal training certification courses and he was one of the instructors.

 

The email contained enough detail for me to be sure he was having sex with her more than once, including oral, which she refuses with me. Once I read it, all the pieces suddenly fell into place. How she acted with me, the late night celebrations with other students, weekend classes, and her attitude towrds me. She seemed to always talk about Brian and how she thought he was full of himself but that he was good looking, etc. I was partially relieved because at least I knew I wasn't crazy when I thought something was amiss at the time.

 

I haven't said anything to her yet. But I'm extremely angry. Not so much that she had the affair, because I'm in no position to do that. But that she reamed me so hard on the pretense that she was this faithful betrayed wife. Not sure how to proceed now. I'm very conflicted as to what to say or if I should say anything. She does notice, I'm more standoffish that usual, but I can't help that.

 

I say you be upfront with her; she knows you fix her computer problems, so it's best to just get it out in the open. While you were unfaithful yourself, she did cross that line first-even if you didn't know it, at the time.

 

I'm not saying she's worse; I am saying that given the fact you both had affairs, you're on equal ground.

 

So, I suggest talking to her about it; she was blatantly hypocritical in her treatment of you. She must have felt you'd never find out about her betrayal, to make such an issue of yours.

 

Once all the cards are out on the table (I'm assuming there will be some heated words exchanged, regardless of how you approach this), you can decide from there what you want to do. Will you continue MC with her? Or will you two go your separate ways?

 

Whatever issues you've had in your marriage, cheating wasn't justified-not on either side. But, it happened. Emotions might have been involved, or maybe it was purely physical. Whatever the case was, you're both guilty of it, and as such, both have a stake in what happens now.

[ISayWhoa]

I say you be upfront with her; she knows you fix her computer problems, so it's best to just get it out in the open. While you were unfaithful yourself, she did cross that line first-even if you didn't know it, at the time.

 

I'm not saying she's worse; I am saying that given the fact you both had affairs, you're on equal ground.

 

So, I suggest talking to her about it; she was blatantly hypocritical in her treatment of you. She must have felt you'd never find out about her betrayal, to make such an issue of yours.

 

Once all the cards are out on the table (I'm assuming there will be some heated words exchanged, regardless of how you approach this), you can decide from there what you want to do. Will you continue MC with her? Or will you two go your separate ways?

 

Whatever issues you've had in your marriage, cheating wasn't justified-not on either side. But, it happened. Emotions might have been involved, or maybe it was purely physical. Whatever the case was, you're both guilty of it, and as such, both have a stake in what happens now.

 

Well, that's just it. I'm not so sure we're on equal ground anymore. Maybe we would have been if she came clean 7 years ago. But since then, I lived with the notion that I was the bad guy in the marriage and erased all the crap she put me through during her little tryst. I thought our marriage was on the rocks in part because of what now seem like made-up reasons that were attributed to me. And during those 2 years after the affair, I put up with loads of verbal abuse as I crawled my way back into our marriage.

 

But the fact is, she was ****ing someone else and that's why she treated me poorly. And that's why we never had sex. And it's also why she was telling at least one friend that she didn't love me anymore. I was wrong to cheat on her, yes. But let's be honest, I know now she wasn't treating me as her husband and at least I have an explanation.

 

So no we're not at all on equal ground.

[TobyBoy]

Is her infidelity a dealbreaker for you? Hers are irrelevant. So?

[ISayWhoa]

Is her infidelity a dealbreaker for you? Hers are irrelevant. So?

 

I'm sorry. I can't make sense of your post.

[Bryanp]

Why do you wish to spend the rest of your life like this? Why are you settling for this? Confront her and put your cards on the table what you want in a marriage. If she does not wish to change then see an attorney to understand your options.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Well, that's just it. I'm not so sure we're on equal ground anymore. Maybe we would have been if she came clean 7 years ago. But since then, I lived with the notion that I was the bad guy in the marriage and erased all the crap she put me through during her little tryst. I thought our marriage was on the rocks in part because of what now seem like made-up reasons that were attributed to me. And during those 2 years after the affair, I put up with loads of verbal abuse as I crawled my way back into our marriage.

 

But the fact is, she was ****ing someone else and that's why she treated me poorly. And that's why we never had sex. And it's also why she was telling at least one friend that she didn't love me anymore. I was wrong to cheat on her, yes. But let's be honest, I know now she wasn't treating me as her husband and at least I have an explanation.

 

So no we're not at all on equal ground.

 

Hmm...perhaps not equal ground. But you definitely have leverage on your side, now. No matter what faults you both had in your marriage, you both cheated. However, she cheated first, played the part of an overzealous BS...when meanwhile, she betrayed you long before you ever betrayed her. Blatant hypocrisy, which I find sickening.

 

No, this does not make your betrayal anymore justified than hers; however, because she's a full-blown hypocrite and treated you with such contempt, raking you over the coals, I'd say now is a good opportunity to turn the tables. Now that you know the truth, it's time for you to have your say.

 

I doubt you can reconcile, but if you both choose to, you both need to refrain from further blame shifting, and do everything in your power to work together toward that end.

 

If you don't wish to reconcile, that is also understandable. Seven years of lying on her part-even if the affair ended back then (did it? I'm not sure if it occurred 7 years ago, or has continued for 7 years)-it was still an act of betrayal.

[Chi townD]

So, she cheated first. She hid it from you. You cheat, got caught and she makes your life hell for over two years.

 

Dude, you're going to have to say something. She already knows something is up. Something isn't right. You can't live your life with this big ass elephant in the room all the time.

 

Then, when you confront, you have to decide either to reconcile the marriage or to walk away because of how toxic it is.

[TobyBoy]

I'm sorry. I can't make sense of your post.

 

Simple. You cheated....not a deal breaker for her.

She cheated.....is it a deal breaker for you? Can you work past it?

[Chi townD]

Simple. You cheated....not a deal breaker for her.

She cheated.....is it a deal breaker for you? Can you work past it?

 

Well, of course it wasn't a deal breaker for her. She already did the same thing, except he wasn't aware of it! I understand where the dude is coming from though. She made his life hell for over two years and she was guilty of the same thing!

[Charlie Harper]

Better talk to her about it and let the chips fall where they will...... this info will poison your soul... I know I have been there.

[jnj express]

IMHO---you need to come down on her with both feet

 

BUT FOR her A, which she justified with her actions toward you, in the mge----you wouldn't have cheated, and you wouldn't have been going thru your own personal he*l

 

You need to print out your proof, confront her---with icy cool, and calm-------you also need to have some idea of where you are going with this-----after you speak your piece----and when doing so---allow no discussion, arguing, shouting---just go somewhere---go for a drive for a few hours---go stay with a friend for the night---GO DARK ON YOUR CHEATING LYING WIFE----also make sure you confront FACE TO FACE

 

You may have had an A---but at the very same time---she has continued her A---for the last 7 yrs., by OMMISSION----your whole mge has been a sham-------but had you not been so disrespected by her----the circumstances that caused you to cheat (you don't get a pass for your own cheating) may not have arisen

 

You need to let her have both barrels---and NEVER EVER LET WHAT SHE DID GET SWEPT UNDER THE RUG

 

If you do not confront---you need to take all the mirrors OUT OF YOUR HOUSE

[ISayWhoa]

Thanks for all your kind advice. I'm unable to sleep right now, so I'm organizing the evidence I have. My son is going to be gone all afternoon, so today is as good a day as any to drop the bomb.

 

Some of the emails are downright sickening. One that comes to mind is when he claims to be a bit sore from some workout and she replies "Why don't I come over. I'll make you feel good in no time". Mind you, this would be at about the time she refused sex with me.

 

He apparently got himself a girlfriend at some point and although the emails continued with innuendos, I can't tell when the physical part of the relationship ended. The last emails came about 8 months after they started being sexual. Then the emails tapered off. Mostly him not responding to her emails anymore.

 

I realize it's not constructive, but my overbearing impulse right now is to offer her payback for the 2 years of horse**** she put me through. That along with 6 years of occasional cracks and snide remarks regarding the affair.

Edited June 30, 2013 by ISayWhoa

[jnj express]

she is not a very nice person, actually she is a vile person----feel free to do whatever, you need to, as long as you do not abuse her

 

I would think threat of D, might just have a very strong effect on her---------------once again---BUT FOR what she did, this whole mess, would have never started

 

Its now time for her to show remorse, be accountable, and to do a whole lot of heavy lifting of her own---once again---be very COOL/CALM/COLLECTED----say what you have to say---bring up possible D---and leave---GO DARK, and STAY DARK for a while---lets see how she likes it on the receiving end.

 

Do not be mr nice--guy, or mr lovey--dovey for a while----her cushy lifestyle needs to end for a period of time-------but do remember one thing----everything out of her mouth for the last 7 yrs has been lies, laced with manipulation, and deceit. This is part of what she must be held accountable for.

[BeholdtheMan]

Divorce. What's the point of maintaining this sham of a marriage. Yeah you both cheated but she's a total hypocrite for keeping her silence while she rakes you over the coals. Her cheating was even a contributing factor to your cheating (of course, your cheating was still wrong, instead of cheating, your probably should've filed for divorce as your marriage was already pointless)

[aliveagain]

I think this should be about truth, not about revenge. She needs to explain why she didn't expose her affair when yours was discovered. Why she chose to keep it her and OM's secret? I think you may want to ask her why she was willing to perform oral on OM but not on you? Accept nothing less that her taking responsibility for the affair, don't allow her to blame shift, you had nothing to do with her choice to cheat. Find out which of her friends knew about it because if they were real friends they would have told you. You may want to ask her if there were other affairs, get all the truth today. Have her prepare a timeline of events, when, where, how long, what they did. Keep copies of your evidence somewhere safe like a locked drawer at your office, you don't know how this will play out yet. You may want to present the information to his employer or his girlfriend at some point. Other husbands should be alerted to the fact a predator is training their wives. Good luck today.

[ISayWhoa]

I think this should be about truth, not about revenge. She needs to explain why she didn't expose her affair when yours was discovered. Why she chose to keep it her and OM's secret? I think you may want to ask her why she was willing to perform oral on OM but not on you? Accept nothing less that her taking responsibility for the affair, don't allow her to blame shift, you had nothing to do with her choice to cheat. Find out which of her friends knew about it because if they were real friends they would have told you. You may want to ask her if there were other affairs, get all the truth today. Have her prepare a timeline of events, when, where, how long, what they did. Keep copies of your evidence somewhere safe like a locked drawer at your office, you don't know how this will play out yet. You may want to present the information to his employer or his girlfriend at some point. Other husbands should be alerted to the fact a predator is training their wives. Good luck today.

 

True. What makes this hard is that our marriage actually improved alot in the past few years. I'm obviously glad I found this new information out and I'd want it no other way, but at the same time I wonder if it wouldn't have been better not even to know. Now I'm ****ing miserable and soon enough she will be too.

 

The part that's really bothering me the most is that the affair ended because HE left, and so therefore I was the default, fallback choice. She didn't actually choose to drop him so she could be with me. Nothing she says is going to be able to convince me otherwise. At least I made the choice to drop OW to be with my wife.

 

As for the oral, I'll most definitely ask. But no matter what she says, I know the answer: she was in love with him.

 

I can't find any trace of the guy anywhere. I'm guessing he quit the personal training business. I mean this was 7 years ago.

Edited June 30, 2013 by ISayWhoa

[dichotomy]

Random thoughts -

 

How old are your kids now? You did not leave her many years ago due to the kids, maybe easier now if their older?

 

I despise that often in affairs the spouse's sexual energy finds new levels or acts. Seems like a double betrayal of the marriage. Even if you heal the affair, your faced with never getting as good of sex, or as much passion as the AP.

 

I would make an appointment (a double session) with your old marriage counselor, tell your wife you been thinking about things and want to check back in. Drop the bomb in front of a third party. Before you drop that bomb, remind her and the therapist of how important it was for you (a cheater) to be remorseful and work hard to repair things....when both of them nod in agreement that you had to do this - drop the bomb. Bring copies of the emails.