Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[karnak]

 

I despise that often in affairs the spouse's sexual energy finds new levels or acts. Seems like a double betrayal of the marriage. Even if you heal the affair, your faced with never getting as good of sex, or as much passion as the AP.

 

 

Probably because the spouse will always be seen as a "consolation prize".

[Confused48]

Well, that's just it. I'm not so sure we're on equal ground anymore. Maybe we would have been if she came clean 7 years ago. But since then, I lived with the notion that I was the bad guy in the marriage and erased all the crap she put me through during her little tryst. I thought our marriage was on the rocks in part because of what now seem like made-up reasons that were attributed to me. And during those 2 years after the affair, I put up with loads of verbal abuse as I crawled my way back into our marriage.

 

But the fact is, she was ****ing someone else and that's why she treated me poorly. And that's why we never had sex. And it's also why she was telling at least one friend that she didn't love me anymore. I was wrong to cheat on her, yes. But let's be honest, I know now she wasn't treating me as her husband and at least I have an explanation.

 

So no we're not at all on equal ground.

 

I agreed with Rebel D up to the part where she said equal ground. You are so right to feel that part of it is not true for you. Nothing justifies an affair but I can certainly see that you were made more vulnerable to fail your wife and yourself by having an affair, BECAUSE she was having an affair.

 

You were affected by that. You were tested by that. You failed to do the right thing but she put you in that place by having an affair.

 

You should feel bad about it and did. You should fix what was wrong with you that your wife's affair made you think it was a good idea to have your own. But, she put you there! And then lied about it.

 

She showed some really bad judgement in not immediately coming clean when you were coming clean yourself. What better, easier, time to come clean? What more demanding of a situation to come clean? She failed you so much more than you failed her. There is no comparison. You are NOT on equal ground when it comes to this issue.

 

Good luck to you.

[Confused48]

Before you drop that bomb, remind her and the therapist of how important it was for you (a cheater) to be remorseful and work hard to repair things....when both of them nod in agreement that you had to do this - drop the bomb. Bring copies of the emails.

 

This is brilliant! If the therapist is still a round. What a. Great idea.

[jnj express]

No 3rd party is needed---this is tween H and W-----W wrecked this man's life, over a guy, she might have left with--

 

her lover dropped her, so she came back to H, as sloppy 2nds, she must have decided, to have a nice life, she would work on her mge, all the while taking HER DIRTY DARK LITTLE SECRET TO THE GRAVE WITH HER

 

---He doesn't need a 3rd party interjecting their comments, or thoughts----H, knows what he needs to do

 

He also doesn't need to delay is confrontation, while trying to find and set up an appt.----Confrontation needs to happen, and it needs to happen NOW

[ISayWhoa]

Well, things didn't go completely according to plan. I guess things never do.

 

First of all, my son's plans fell through yesterday afternoon and he was at home until lat afternoon. So my wife prepared a big lunch, she and I had a some wine, and after my son left, I felt an overpowering desire to have sex with her. Just the thought that she pleasured some other guy filled me with a jealous rage that when loosened with a little alcohol, made me want to plow her right then. And I did. We had a long bout of sex. I wish I could say it was great sex, but it wasn't. Maybe it was to her, but for me it was more like I was trying furiously and desperately to obliterate any trace of the other guy in her .. and the fact that it was years ago made no difference. To me it felt like it was yesterday. It's a sickening emotion I felt.

 

Once we were done, she tried to be all lovey-dovey, but I didn't want to touch her. Instead I went out back to our pool and floated there for awhile. Through the sliding glass door I could see that she was on her laptop. Right thn, I decided to hold back on any confrontation until I get a keylogger on there. Once the **** hits the fan, I want to know who she talks to, and what she says. Somebody brought up a good point about other possible affairs. I don't know if there were any or not, but I don't have anything shows she did.If I were to aske her, she would deny for sure.

 

So the plan is, I'm putting in a keylogger tonight and then tomorrow, I'm comng home at noon and confronting her and confronting her hard.

 

I need to know answers. Why would she turn to another for sex and companionship when I was giving her all of that she wanted? One of the things that really pissed me off in the emails: She tells him how she is sexually "insatiable" and how most men have a hard time keeping up with her, including me. She told him she would love to have sex 3x a day. But it's all 1000% bullcrap. She hardly ever wanted to have sex more than twice a week when things were good. And if we did it on a Saturday and I approched her on a Sunday, she would always say "But we already did it yesterday!" The only time she was "insatiable" was when we were dating, and I had no troubles "keeping up".

[ISayWhoa]

I'm just having a hard time right now. I realize I do love her. And in fact, I did do essentially the same thing. I wonder if I shouldn't take the high road as hard as it is since this was a long time ago. I feel like really letting her have it .. and then afterwards, I feel like such a bastard for wanting to put her through this. What she did was crappy, no doubt. But she has stayed with me all this time. I don't know. I'll probably feel differently on another 10 minutes again. I can barely concentrate on my work right now.

 

What did this guy do to convince her to cheat? What was she looking for that I couln't give her? I cheated because I was being thrown aside like nothing. But i didn't do that to her. So what did she want? And what if this guy had not gotten a girlfriend? What then?

Edited July 1, 2013 by ISayWhoa

[Chi townD]

Woulda, coulda, shoulda....you're asking questions that you'll never get a satisifying answer to.

 

Well, what you did there with the wife is called hysterical bonding and that is completely normal. It's a subconsious, primal, animalistic response to reclaim what you believe is yours. It happens. And you are right, this affair happened years ago, but your discovery of it DOES make it yesterday for you. So, you are aloud to feel betrayed.

 

What I would be more upset about is the way she treated you for 2 years when she was the one that was first guilty of it. Presenting herself as the scorned housewife that has a cheater for a husband when she was guilty of the same crime. You were just too "stupid" to catch her.

 

It didn't surprise me that she was on her laptop. The thing is, she's been married to you long enough to know when something isn't right. She might be in damage control trying to figure out what's going on with you and what you know. She's putting the pieces together. She knows that you didn't start acting this way until she asked you to fix her computer. She's probably scanning the computer now to try and figure out what exactly you saw that made you start to act this way.

 

When you do confront, just be prepared for her to say crap like, "well, you did it to me, this makes us even." or " You have no right to get mad at me when you cheated on me as well." Nevermind that she did it first and hid it from you.

 

If you do want to reconcile, I would STRONGLY recommend that you find a marriage counselor that specializes in infidelity. Not any run of the mill counselor, one that specializes and will hold you BOTH accountable for your past actions.

[Oberfeldwebel]

If you truly want a good marriage, then it has to start with honesty. Yes both of you committed adultery for your own selfish reasons, but the difference is that you were remorseful and suffered the consequences. I recommend that you safe guard the information, being an IT guy, I'm sure you already have done so. Next print out the very obvious ones and put them in a folder. Start the conversation that you know that you were wrong to have an affair, but think that she had an affair (give estimated timeframe). Tell her that in order for the relationship to be completely healed, though you need to know the truth. Here is her chance to come clean.

 

Don't be surprised or show emotion if she does not confess, simply hand her the folder. The key to recovery is her being honest with you, just like you were with her. Let her know you have more information that you will not disclose, but will know when she is lying. This will keep her on her toes. If part of your recovery was confessing to friends and family, then she needs to do the same thing here. Also I recommend MC, just to get issues worked out.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I'm just having a hard time right now. I realize I do love her. And in fact, I did do essentially the same thing. I wonder if I shouldn't take the high road as hard as it is since this was a long time ago. I feel like really letting her have it .. and then afterwards, I feel like such a bastard for wanting to put her through this. What she did was crappy, no doubt. But she has stayed with me all this time. I don't know. I'll probably feel differently on another 10 minutes again. I can barely concentrate on my work right now.

 

What did this guy do to convince her to cheat? What was she looking for that I couln't give her? I cheated because I was being thrown aside like nothing. But i didn't do that to her. So what did she want? And what if this guy had not gotten a girlfriend? What then?

 

Nobody convinced her to cheat, she chose to cheat. She probably got his attention, and started to want more of it. That's what typically happens.

 

I would get the emails together. If you don't want to confront her right away because you do still love her, you could always put them somewhere safe, and the next time she makes a rude or snide comment about your affair, pull them out.

[ISayWhoa]

Woulda, coulda, shoulda....you're asking questions that you'll never get a satisifying answer to.

 

Well, what you did there with the wife is called hysterical bonding and that is completely normal. It's a subconsious, primal, animalistic response to reclaim what you believe is yours. It happens. And you are right, this affair happened years ago, but your discovery of it DOES make it yesterday for you. So, you are aloud to feel betrayed.

 

What I would be more upset about is the way she treated you for 2 years when she was the one that was first guilty of it. Presenting herself as the scorned housewife that has a cheater for a husband when she was guilty of the same crime. You were just too "stupid" to catch her.

 

It didn't surprise me that she was on her laptop. The thing is, she's been married to you long enough to know when something isn't right. She might be in damage control trying to figure out what's going on with you and what you know. She's putting the pieces together. She knows that you didn't start acting this way until she asked you to fix her computer. She's probably scanning the computer now to try and figure out what exactly you saw that made you start to act this way.

 

When you do confront, just be prepared for her to say crap like, "well, you did it to me, this makes us even." or " You have no right to get mad at me when you cheated on me as well." Nevermind that she did it first and hid it from you.

 

If you do want to reconcile, I would STRONGLY recommend that you find a marriage counselor that specializes in infidelity. Not any run of the mill counselor, one that specializes and will hold you BOTH accountable for your past actions.

All good advice, thanks. But there's just no way I'm going to the counselor to be held accountable for anything. Been there done that and with interest. I can't even imagine going through that again.

[aliveagain]

Honesty is the foundation of every good marriage, you just discovered yours has a crack. You can choose to do nothing and let the crack continue to evolve or you can do what every builder since before the time of the Pharaohs would do, fix it before it crumbles. It will always be the big white elephant in the room, she knows what she did, you now know what she did but she doesn't know you know, stop the crack, expose it and repair. There is no other healthy way. What if she finds out you know but you never confront her, what kind of a man will she think you are? There should be no secrets intentionally withheld from each in a healthy marriage.

Edited July 1, 2013 by aliveagain
spelling

[JustAReformedGirl]

I amended my statement about this being equal, yes?

 

Because it's definitely nowhere near on equal ground; aside from the fact that you both cheated, your circumstances were different. I apologize for saying otherwise before.

 

That's not to say your cheating was justified; however, you came clean, you showed remorse, and you worked your a$$ off, while taking any verbal floggings she threw your way. You took all that b.s. and more, because you were dedicated to fixing what you'd done...

 

...and she sat atop her thrown, knowing the truth; that she betrayed you first, and that you were the better person, because you had the courage to come clean, and she was a coward and did not.

 

I don't really know anything about hysterical bonding (I haven't experienced it), but from what I've seen on LS, you reacted typically for the situation. Don't kick yourself for not confronting her; when you're son didn't go out earlier, it threw you off your "game", so to speak.

 

Confront her as soon as humanly possible; try not to drag this out any longer. Aliveagain said it best; the foundation is continuing to crack. The whole thing is going to topple, unless someone does something about it; that someone is you, OP.

 

Keep us posted.

[ISayWhoa]

I amended my statement about this being equal, yes?

 

Because it's definitely nowhere near on equal ground; aside from the fact that you both cheated, your circumstances were different. I apologize for saying otherwise before.

 

That's not to say your cheating was justified; however, you came clean, you showed remorse, and you worked your a$$ off, while taking any verbal floggings she threw your way. You took all that b.s. and more, because you were dedicated to fixing what you'd done...

 

...and she sat atop her thrown, knowing the truth; that she betrayed you first, and that you were the better person, because you had the courage to come clean, and she was a coward and did not.

 

I don't really know anything about hysterical bonding (I haven't experienced it), but from what I've seen on LS, you reacted typically for the situation. Don't kick yourself for not confronting her; when you're son didn't go out earlier, it threw you off your "game", so to speak.

 

Confront her as soon as humanly possible; try not to drag this out any longer. Aliveagain said it best; the foundation is continuing to crack. The whole thing is going to topple, unless someone does something about it; that someone is you, OP.

 

Keep us posted.

Thanks. No need to apologize. I get that the siyuation can seem confusiing at first glance. I think I can't wait until tomorrow. If I get a chance, I'll talk to her tonight. I need to get this off my chest and I need to get some answers.

[Chi townD]

All good advice, thanks. But there's just no way I'm going to the counselor to be held accountable for anything. Been there done that and with interest. I can't even imagine going through that again.

 

Do you honestly think that your wife would go to a counselor and NOT bring up your affair in her own defense? Sorry dude, but your probably going to have to re-address the issues. However, if a counselor that specializes in infidelity WILL cut through the bullsh*t and make her own up to her OWN actions. He or she will know that your past has already been addressed and he or she may curb it.

 

But if you go to a Dr. Phil or Oprah type counselor, they're going to focus on what YOU did or what YOU didn't do that caused her to cheat. Thus, making it your fault on why she cheated on you.

 

So, you need to do your homework when figuring out who specializes in infidelity. VERY IMPORTANT!

[dichotomy]

So the plan is, I'm putting in a keylogger tonight and then tomorrow, I'm comng home at noon and confronting her and confronting her hard.

 

I need to know answers. Why would she turn to another for sex and companionship when I was giving her all of that she wanted? One of the things that really pissed me off in the emails: She tells him how she is sexually "insatiable" and how most men have a hard time keeping up with her, including me. She told him she would love to have sex 3x a day. But it's all 1000% bullcrap. She hardly ever wanted to have sex more than twice a week when things were good. And if we did it on a Saturday and I approched her on a Sunday, she would always say "But we already did it yesterday!" The only time she was "insatiable" was when we were dating, and I had no troubles "keeping up".

 

Smart Man . ....gather all you can before confronting.

 

But you bring up a point I have mentioned here as well. You can get all the emails you can - but as you know - some of it my be pure BS. In other words what ever you read or find - from her may not be the truth at all. Still best to get all the informatio you can. You might also want to consider VAR and a GPS tracker.

[drifter777]

If you don't confront her now and work through this you will continue to suffer. The disgust and animosity you feel for/at her now will grow until you hate her with a passion. Face it now while you are still willing to work through it and you have a chance to resolve things; wait and your marriage is dead.

[lilmisscantbewrong]

I kind of get how you feel. When my affair was discovered and the subsequent blow up and how angry my husband was, one of my friends actually asked "Has he had an affair?". Of course at the time I answered no, because I believed he hadn't. But the reason why she asked was because he was so angry and so volatile, she couldn't understand that response and it made her think he had had his own affair.

 

Fast forward to a year and a half later and he WAS having an affair - with an employee that had been at his office for over 10 years. I remember years ago when my two oldest were little I was concerned then he was having an affair and he assured me he wasn't (not with this particular person, but another) and the reason why was that particular employee (who happened to be a partner) left without warning and it was an ugly sort of business break up. I have always wondered if there wasn't something there.

 

So now, after his own affair which I discovered, I have always wondered if he did have an affair prior to mine. And I can tell you this, if I find that out (and I'm sure I will at some point if it happened) and he did have an affair prior to mine, but allowed me to go through the public shaming and outing I did, it would all but end things for me.

 

Anyway, get your proof together and present it all in as calm a fashion as you can. These things are never easy. It is so hard to navigate affairs - they really do suck.

[TobyBoy]

Definitely get a keylogger before you confront. She's been lying for years, who knows what/who she's been doing since.

[Pierre]

In my experience philanderers can be extremely offended when someone cheats on them.

 

So it is possible that the indignation of the wandering wife was quite real at the time she discovered the infidelity of the poster.

 

The infidelity by the OP was much more benign than the deception of the wife.

 

I suspect this woman has cheated again (or before).

[CarrieT]

Screw it. The more I think about it, just leave her the emails as you walk out the door with a suitcase, then go dark. Screw her.

 

That would be my inclination as well. She manipulated you beyond a point of contempt. I'm shocked you can keep silent - I would be out the door.

[ISayWhoa]

So here I am, up at 2:30 AM. I got the keylogger installed and I gave the old emails another scan to see if I missed anything. Found a few more things I almost wish I hadn't seen. At one point, the OM expressed some concern about me finding out I guess when she was going on a "weekend course". And she told him not to worry because I'm clueless.

 

I'm ****ing steaming.

 

I'm coming home tomorrow noon. She and I have a lunch "date" at home. How sweet, eh? I think I'll start out talk tomorrow by trying to get her to have oral sex with me. Let's see how that goes.

[Tinie]

So here I am, up at 2:30 AM. I got the keylogger installed and I gave the old emails another scan to see if I missed anything. Found a few more things I almost wish I hadn't seen. At one point, the OM expressed some concern about me finding out I guess when she was going on a "weekend course". And she told him not to worry because I'm clueless.

 

I'm ****ing steaming.

 

I'm coming home tomorrow noon. She and I have a lunch "date" at home. How sweet, eh? I think I'll start out talk tomorrow by trying to get her to have oral sex with me. Let's see how that goes.

 

Just don't force her. You don't want to go to jail, right?

 

Confront the b****. I don't know why you're holding back. Are you afraid she's going to tell you more nasty things she did behind your back?

[beach]

Honesty is the foundation of every good marriage, you just discovered yours has a crack. You can choose to do nothing and let the crack continue to evolve or you can do what every builder since before the time of the Pharaohs would do, fix it before it crumbles. It will always be the big white elephant in the room, she knows what she did, you now know what she did but she doesn't know you know, stop the crack, expose it and repair. There is no other healthy way. What if she finds out you know but you never confront her, what kind of a man will she think you are? There should be no secrets intentionally withheld from each in a healthy marriage.

 

I agree.

 

I think telling her you know as soon as possible is best. But I don't blame you for wanting info from her computer and phone. If she uses her computer a lot - that's the likely form of communicating with others.

 

Get a plan together for yourself as to what you want moving forward - and how you intend to go about that plan.

 

When presenting your evidence - I find it best to present it as a statement instead of a question - such as "I know you cheated with Brian".

 

I hope you can take action soon - waiting may make you physically sick.

 

And please don't use sex as a punishment with your wife - that's not loving or kind.

[ISayWhoa]

I agree.

 

I think telling her you know as soon as possible is best. But I don't blame you for wanting info from her computer and phone. If she uses her computer a lot - that's the likely form of communicating with others.

 

Get a plan together for yourself as to what you want moving forward - and how you intend to go about that plan.

 

When presenting your evidence - I find it best to present it as a statement instead of a question - such as "I know you cheated with Brian".

 

I hope you can take action soon - waiting may make you physically sick.

 

And please don't use sex as a punishment with your wife - that's not loving or kind.

The idea wasn't to use sex as punishment. I know exactly how it would play out. I ask for oral sex and she refuses she she hasn't done that with me since we we dating. But she did do it with the OM and I have proof. I just thought it would be a great way to start the discussion.

 

Of course I'm not serious. I don't want to start sex later today. I'm getting right to the subject at hand today at noontime. I need to have a drink and get to bed so I can sleep.

 

And I'm not waiting, really. I'm trying to make sure I have all the evidence I need to be sure she can't deny anything later.

[Pierre]

The idea wasn't to use sex as punishment. I know exactly how it would play out. I ask for oral sex and she refuses she she hasn't done that with me since we we dating. But she did do it with the OM and I have proof. I just thought it would be a great way to start the discussion.

 

Of course I'm not serious. I don't want to start sex later today. I'm getting right to the subject at hand today at noontime. I need to have a drink and get to bed so I can sleep.

 

And I'm not waiting, really. I'm trying to make sure I have all the evidence I need to be sure she can't deny anything later.

 

I know you are angry, but there is something you must know.

 

 

Sometimes people cheat because they are neglected by the spouse. That was you.

 

 

Most of the time people cheat because they want to cheat. They will cheat even if they have the best marriage in the world. Your wife may be in this camp. In other words her cheating is not about you. There is something wrong with your wife, she is broken.

 

I suggest you do not bring the d-day yet. Wait a few more days and check the key logger data. She could be having an affair right now. If you bring on the d-day she may put this new affair on hold and you may never know. It is important for you to know if she is a serial cheater.

 

With all the extra information you will be more suited to make decisions. I suspect you are having a bit of hysterical bonding issues and this may prevent you from making a sound decision. Try not to have sex with her.