Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[Confused48]

Looks like somebody threw a wrench in the works on the other board. Dammit. Why would you do that, whoever you are? You wanted to be Yoda?

It looks like I'm going to have to come clean about the keylogger. Sh*t.

 

It was likely one of the many unrepentant cheaters that frequent this board. We are not just among friends here. Some that are here wish you harm. Just look at what they say when they do speak up. More often they just watch silently.

 

I never saw her post or even know what site it is one. Can you tell us?

[GorillaTheater]

She will try and make this about her, don't play that game. This is only about her lying and cheating and her decision to keep the truth hidden from you and still only between her and her former lover.

 

It's almost a sure bet you're going to hear some variation of "I can't believe you invaded my privacy!! How could I ever trust you?! What you've done is worse than infidelity! You've ended our marriage, not me!"

 

Don't believe a word of it; it's all a bunch of crap. Stay on point.

[2sunny]

That's terrible!

 

But more important is that she still isn't "owning how she participated".

 

She isn't recognizing that she punished you those 2 years. She's also still focused on "but he did it too" which isn't very promising that she's willing to dig deep to find the cause of what she's done.

 

She's as focused on fixing it with sex as you are. That's as good as rug sweeping and not likely to fix what really is broken within the M.

 

You two together can cover it up with sex but it still won't address your core issues that need fixing.

[Scrivdog]

That pisses me off - big time. WTF was that idiot's game anyway?

 

Anyway, if you told her about this forum it's a guarantee she came straight here within nanoseconds after you told her. On a positive note, you said nothing particularly vile against her - she might benefit from reading what you wrote here.

[2sunny]

Someone here betrayed the OP by providing info on her thread that never should have been posted!

 

Our own posters here should never do that to one another! This is supposed to be a safe place.

 

Who did it?

[Scrivdog]

Someone here betrayed the OP by providing info on her thread that never should have been posted!

 

Our own posters here should never do that to one another! This is supposed to be a safe place.

 

Who did it?

Yeah like they're going to tell ..

[GorillaTheater]

Yeah like they're going to tell ..

 

Whoever it was was tripped up by their own ego. She was laughing him off, so he "needed" to prove to her that he knew what he was talking about.

 

A loss of free information, ISayWhoa, but only a minor set-back in the grand scheme of things. All the cards had to be on the table at some point. Adjust, and keep going.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Sorry to hear about recent events, Whoa. What did the other person on the other site say to her, exactly? Did they tell her you might be spying on her, or did they tell her she was most certainly being spied on?

 

Some people are despicable.

 

Screw her for being pissed off. You only recently put the key logger on, whereas she's been deceiving you for the last seven years.

 

You owe her no apologies. None. Zip. Zilch. Don't put yourself out financially, just to avoid conflict with her. You have nothing to hide, and nothing to be sorry for.

 

Despite being a WS myself, I have little to no sympathy for your wife. Whatever happens, don't be afraid of confrontation with her. Stand strong on this.

[beach]

I still don't think his wife is sorry she cheated.

 

She's just sorry she got caught. And her ego is still so big that she figures he should be willing to come home without HER actions to do her hard work with that same counselor to address why she cheated, what she plans to change about the inner soul of herself.

 

Why should he go back?

 

She's still full of her own ego and has major entitlement issues to over come.

 

Offering him to continue the M is like giving a broken vase as a gift...it's STILL broken!

[aliveagain]

Someone reflecting their anger with their betrayed spouse on you. That person is still here reading your posts, hope they feel extra special today. Don't sweat the little stuff, remember your focus has to be on her dishonesty to you, your children, the marriage. Still she always had a choice to tell you the truth anytime in the last seven years but she chose to protect the false image she had of herself. That in itself should tell you what you need to know about her commitment to you, unless you discover her lie she will take it to her grave. Who knows what she told her lover about you? She can't even be honest about being dumped because if she accepts the fact lover boy was going to be faithful to his new GF she has to accept that she was just a piece on the side for him. She would have left her family for nothing. Get it all on the table, be prepared to leave her if you don't feel you have all the truth. Sometimes the truth will only come out in a polygraph.

[HopingAgain]

Thanks for posting that explanation of secrecy vs. Privacy, 2long! I saved it for further reference and plan to share with a friend having some marital issues! Great info!

[2sunny]

I don't see a chance of it working out she she's still unwilling to be transparent.

 

And then you seemed apologetic and offer up her iPad for more of her secrecy?

 

I'm beginning to really wonder if you're just harming the situation MORE.

 

You keep sending her mixed signals - at least get consistent about what you intend to accomplish.

Edited July 12, 2013 by 2sunny

[dichotomy]

So she found out about a logger, so she found something she can now use to divert any accountability. The fact is you had to spy because she was lying, hiding and not going to come clean.

 

Occasionally here, I read refreshing stories where a cheating spouse knows they have a price to pay - and they pay it willingly. Access is granted to all on lone accounts, phones, etc.. the marriage becomes transparent, open, and humble. The focus to earn your trust and prove their worth and value.

 

Imagine the opposite just happened "hey, I found out you been monitoring the computer. I was upset, but I understand you need the truth, as I was not honest with you, I treated you horribly and you wanted the truth. I don't blame you and I forgive you. I want to save the marriage, I love you, and if you want to stay and work this out - I understand I need to be an open book.....and I will, what ever it takes.... if you are willing to try too".

 

But most others it continues to be the same old about the affair, divert, minimize, hide, lie..... and shift blame to anyone.

 

Don't accept any BS about the keylogger. You did it because you needed the truth and your wife is incapable of it. Keep reminding yourself of how much work, how humble you were when you got caught.

 

oh - and I am sorry who ever decided to play games by getting involved in the other site and insert themselves into this dynamic. You have been very honest and emotionally open with us.

[Steen719]

So she found out about a logger, so she found something she can now use to divert any accountability. The fact is you had to spy because she was lying, hiding and not going to come clean.

 

Occasionally here, I read refreshing stories where a cheating spouse knows they have a price to pay - and they pay it willingly. Access is granted to all on lone accounts, phones, etc.. the marriage becomes transparent, open, and humble. The focus to earn your trust and prove their worth and value.

Imagine the opposite just happened "hey, I found out you been monitoring the computer. I was upset, but I understand you need the truth, as I was not honest with you, I treated you horribly and you wanted the truth. I don't blame you and I forgive you. I want to save the marriage, I love you, and if you want to stay and work this out - I understand I need to be an open book.....and I will, what ever it takes.... if you are willing to try too".

 

But most others it continues to be the same old about the affair, divert, minimize, hide, lie..... and shift blame to anyone.

 

Don't accept any BS about the keylogger. You did it because you needed the truth and your wife is incapable of it. Keep reminding yourself of how much work, how humble you were when you got caught.

 

oh - and I am sorry who ever decided to play games by getting involved in the other site and insert themselves into this dynamic. You have been very honest and emotionally open with us.

 

I have to agree with this. I never would have thought to install a keylogger on our computer if my XH had been honest with me about what was going on. When he determined that I was getting the information from somewhere (he never figured out exactly what it was), he said there would be trouble if he found out I was getting on his fb and emails. I asked if that was really what he should be worried about, really? I felt guilty when I first did it, but by this time, I had read what he was up to while I was working all of the time to keep us afloat and what he was saying about me and the lies, lies, lies he was telling her. Meh....who cares if he didn't like it.

 

Sometimes it is so discouraging to see this happen over and over. I swear, I just don't understand what drives people to ruin their marriages and then blame everyone but themselves for what has happened.

 

She is a master of deflection, ISW, and my bets are that she is going to continue in that vein. Don't feel guilty about finding out the truth that she should have given you to begin with. Good luck.

[Owl]

Tell her the truth.

 

After her YEARS of maintaining this major lie...she shattered the trust you had in her.

 

The keylogger is actually a way that she could have started to rebuilt that trust...as it would have been a tool that you both could have used to verify that her actions match her words NOW....where they didn't for years.

 

Don't apologize for it, don't act like you regret it (especially if you don't), and don't let her try to twist anything back on you because of it.

 

Had she been honest with you, you never would have had reason to doubt her...you never would have had reason to install it in the first place.

 

Don't let her try to twist/deflect this back on you...it's all on HER.

[Chi townD]

What I want to know is who's the asshat that tipped her off! Good job!

[janedoe67]

Not that I condone it or think its the way it should be, but if you cheated on her first, one might say you are getting what is owed to you.

 

Now I don't believe that at all. Cheating isn't an answer to being cheated on. But you are in no position to say you are owed anything except honesty.

 

However I will say, since she reamed you for 2 years, she is now a hypocrite.

 

According to the timeline earlier in this thread...SHE cheated first.

[ISayWhoa]

I wanted to say thank you to all of you from the bottom of my heart for all your help while I mulled over this confusing issue. I really appreciate it and I'm grateful that you all cared enough to take the time.

 

Obviously, I can't be candid here anymore, so there's no point in posting my innermost feelings or anything.

 

I'm heading home and we'll see how it goes.

 

My wife said she would post here, but I see she hasn't. If she does, she does.

 

Again, thank you all.

[GorillaTheater]

I wanted to say thank you to all of you from the bottom of my heart for all your help while I mulled over this confusing issue. I really appreciate it and I'm grateful that you all cared enough to take the time.

 

Obviously, I can't be candid here anymore, so there's no point in posting my innermost feelings or anything.

 

I'm heading home and we'll see how it goes.

 

My wife said she would post here, but I see she hasn't. If she does, she does.

 

Again, thank you all.

 

I take it she knows about this site then.

 

Best of luck, ISW.

[drifter777]

Thats not what I gather from the first 3 paragraphs in his first post.

 

Then re-read it. This fact is not in dispute.

[GorillaTheater]

I did. Still isn't clear. Please show me in that first post where he indicated she cheated first. What I see is him saying 7 years ago they had problems, then he had an affair.

 

Then went on to say he looked at her laptop with emails from 7 years ago about an affair with a guy.

Didn't say anything about her cheating first. Now if he clarified later on in the thread and I didn't see, then ok.

 

But I will digress and say that it is hypocritical of her to ream him for 2 years after when she already had an affair, regardless of whose came first.

 

She admitted in her own post that his affair occured a year after hers ended.

 

Like Drifter said, the timeline isn't in dispute. Except by you, apparently.

[beatcuff]

I wanted to say thank you to all of you from the bottom of my heart for all your help while I mulled over this confusing issue. I really appreciate it and I'm grateful that you all cared enough to take the time.

 

Obviously, I can't be candid here anymore, so there's no point in posting my innermost feelings or anything.

 

...

 

i wish you the best as you continue. i hope at some point you let us know the outcome --- even if only a simple 'we are trying' or 'we are moving on'.

 

i jump on the wagon of what that poster did by 'outing' you is shameful. while i was strongly against what you posted at times --- it was your thoughts and much like opinions they are not right or wrong. these sites are designed for those that need support, exchange ideas or want to vent. sometimes friends or family may not be the best choice. i was given information from friends that i will go to grave with because either they asked or it was implied. i am aware that others are incapable of this (i remain friendly but only touch on light topics). it appears the 'outer' falls in that category.

 

OP oddly i am holding out hope this mess will cause you both to take a serious look at what you have and what it could be and make a decision you are both happy with --- good luck.

[LivingWaterPlease]

So sorry someone (in addition to his wife!) betrayed ISW by contacting WW on other board. Have been following this thread. Wishing you the best Whoa.

 

Wonder if this type of betrayal by readers/posters has happened to many others on these forums? Guess that's a subject for another thread.

[WaywardCandy]

Hello everyone. I'm ISayWhoa's wife and i read this entire thread three times. I know you must think i'm a monster, but i'm really not and i'm sorry it seems that way from what happened. I'm going to do everyting in my power to make things right, if i even can. At first i wasn't even going to write anything here because i was a bit angry at the things that were said, but now i realize that maybe some of you are right that i have been a very poor wife. I was not alone in making the marriage bad, but i am the one that cause it to get to where it is now and really regret that more than you can know. He cam back home last night, and i was so happy to have him back that i didn't even want to let him go.

I know he is asking me many questions and i'm answering everything truthfully. I decided to try something. I will let you ask all the questions you want from me in the hopes that maybe you can come up with questions he didn't think or want to ask. I will answer truthfully as long as it doesn't identify us personally to the whole world. and as long as there is nothing abusive

[Sooverhim]

Hi WaywardCandy! You are a very brave lady posting here on this forum. I too have been following this thread and as a WW whose husband doesn't know about my A I don't know what advice I can give either of you. However, my impression is that despite what your H says he does appear to still want to be with you. If he didn't he would have walked away from you completely for good. You clearly want to make your M work. So, if it's what you both want you can make it work. You have both caused each other an enormous amount of pain and made a lot of mistakes, but there are people here who care about you and who will do what they can to help.

 

The best of luck to you both x