Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[aliveagain]

1.

 

 

9. Were there previous infidelities or opportunities, and how was this time similar or different?

 

Yes. This was only because of the unique circumstances with me having him as a mentor and me somehow craving his admiration

 

You had other affairs? How many? Am I reading this right? Are you a serial cheater?

[WaywardCandy]

How did you feel when your OM dumped you? Did you take it out on your H in any way?

 

If so, what did that look like - be specific!

 

I felt terrible. I was very jealous of his new girlfriend and it tormented me for some time. I never took it out on H, no. But i felt i was trapped and that's why i couldn't be with OM. It's sooo stupid now when i think about it.

[WaywardCandy]

1.

 

 

9. Were there previous infidelities or opportunities, and how was this time similar or different?

 

Yes. This was only because of the unique circumstances with me having him as a mentor and me somehow craving his admiration

 

You had other affairs? How many? Am I reading this right? Are you a serial cheater?

No! Other opportunities! Not other affairs.

[beach]

So you felt "trapped". How do you think your H must feel about that?

 

And why did you think you were above him - so as to not feel obligated to disclose your own cheating?

 

 

And what do you plan to do to repair his feelings now of feeling "second choice" to your OM and that feeling of being "trapped" with being married?

[beach]

More importantly, what made you punish your H for his affair so much...when YOU KNEW you cheated before that even occurred?

[Million.to.1]

Wow. A few days away from loveshack and this thread has exploded!

 

I'm glad Waywardcandy is here now. I hope you and SayWhoa sort out this mess, I really do.

 

Having not been involved in a marriage or an affair myself, I have simply been reading with much interest but not contributing.

The other thread on the other board was an interesting insight, sure, but now having the total transparency and first hand questions to direct questions is amazing.

 

That pinned thread "Things that every wayward spouse need to know" would be a good read for you both i think.

[troubadour]

So you felt "trapped".

 

Actually, it is a quite common feeling among married people.... nothing unusual here. Marriage, like any long-term project, loses its appeal to many after a few years or so for various reasons but not all of them can get divorced.... they just feel "trapped".

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

WaywardCandy, from what you've posted, my betrayed spouse point of view is that you would have left your husband eventually for the other man. You felt that you loved other man, mind, heart, body, and soul. You would not be able to convince me otherwise unless you had some hard evidence, like an email to the other man or a close girlfriend saying that you would never leave the marriage for other man.

 

So in your husband's mind, the fact that you are with him now, even if you now would pick him over other man, is only because other man ended it with you way back then. If other man hadn't ended it, you would have left for other man. Whether that would have worked out is a different story, but you would have given it a shot and ended your husband and family's lifestyle as they know it in the process.

 

Your husband says he is leaning toward divorce, but I don't believe him. I think he is very conflicted and there is a big part of him that wants to reconcile, otherwise he wouldn't bother posting on a board like this. Divorce is easy and you only need your lawyer's advice, not a bunch of internet yahoos (myself included). If you want to reconcile, you are going to have to find a way to get past the fact that your husband owes the marriage since your affair to the other man not continuing the affair and asking you to leave your husband. This is the main sticking point.

 

If you had subsequently shown a shred of the passion for your husband that you showed for the other man, it might help your husband to believe that you really were into him.

 

From out here in the cheap seats, it looks like you enjoyed being able to hold the moral high ground, with him being the cheating scum who was lucky you gave him a second chance.

 

I really would like to see you reconcile, but your words (husband is best thing that ever happened to me) don't match your actions (wouldn't do a sex act for him that he enjoyed). As someone else posted, many married men and women do things for each other sexually (and otherwise) that they don't necessarily enjoy, but they do it because they love their partner and want to make them happy. It doesn't appear that you loved your husband enough to do that for him. Although you offered it willingly to the other man, without being asked, you've denied it to your husband all these years, even though you were asked. This seems like it meant a lot to your husband and you knew it, but you still told him no. Why?

 

That you are willing to do it now in order to keep him could be a sign of love for your husband, but it also could just be a selfish act so you can keep your husband due to (finances, reputation, comfort - you fill in the blank). What is your husband supposed to think about this?

 

Is there something you can say to convince your husband that this is not the case? You talk about being immature and selfish when making the decision to start and continue the affair. What would you call it that you didn't seem to care about your husband's happiness/pleasure even up to a couple of weeks ago? Still selfishness on your part?

 

One of the problems with lying for so long - even if you do finally tell the truth - the people you lied to find it hard to believe you. How can your husband tell which is true and which is a lie?

[Pierre]

Hello everyone. I'm ISayWhoa's wife and i read this entire thread three times. I know you must think i'm a monster, but i'm really not and i'm sorry it seems that way from what happened. I'm going to do everyting in my power to make things right, if i even can. At first i wasn't even going to write anything here because i was a bit angry at the things that were said, but now i realize that maybe some of you are right that i have been a very poor wife. I was not alone in making the marriage bad, but i am the one that cause it to get to where it is now and really regret that more than you can know. He cam back home last night, and i was so happy to have him back that i didn't even want to let him go.

I know he is asking me many questions and i'm answering everything truthfully. I decided to try something. I will let you ask all the questions you want from me in the hopes that maybe you can come up with questions he didn't think or want to ask. I will answer truthfully as long as it doesn't identify us personally to the whole world. and as long as there is nothing abusive

 

Wow! Great post.

 

I say your H should try to save the marriage.

 

Just tell him everything and if you are truly feeling HB go for it.

 

Use this to create a brand new start.

 

There are a thousand betrayed men in other boards that would kill to have a motivated WW.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Wayward Candy, since you have opened the door for us posters to ask questions of you here are mine:

 

Why should we trust that you will answer our questions truthfully after you lied to Whoa for so long?

 

What is it about you that has changed in such a short amount of time that would make it safe to trust you now?

 

And why has that factor changed?

 

How do we, or Whoa, know whether or not you are telling the truth when you answer the questions?

 

Have you ever had a relationship with someone who lied to you?

 

If so, were you able to regain trust in that person?

 

If so, what made that possible?

[Pierre]

My take:

 

WW Candy is not a bad woman at all.

 

I simply see a typical lady that craved admiration and attention. Attention from a physical trainer probably feels good. WW was bored in her marriage and fell into the affair trap. She crossed the line because she probably has bad boundaries and may very well have infidelity FOO issues.

 

I don't believe she planned to leave her H, but she was definitely in love. But who cares! All these affairs involve love and romance. The issue is that this love develops within the affair compartment and generally does not last with a d-day. I see this all the time in the OW/OM board. The story is almost always the same. The single OW or OM get thrown under the bus after d-day even though they were loved in the affair bubble.

 

So yes the love symptoms are real, but they are real within the affair bubble or compartment. And WW Candy probably loved both the OM and her H. However, it is highly unlikely she was planning to leave. Furthermore, this affair bubble love falls apart with d-days. Like I said, it happens all the time to the single OWs and OMs on the other forum.

 

The main issue is a WW that has low self esteem was bored and needed a ton of external validation which was provided by the OM.

 

Women like WW are in so much need of validation that they can fall in love with whoever provides the validation.

 

That the H was a better lover or had a better penis than OM is moot. WW was into the validation, this was not about sex.

 

OM is probably a POS and WW knows this.

[Sooverhim]

Finally I have managed to find WaywardCandy's side of the story by Googling WaywardCandy and the forum she used is now the first one to show up, so I've read her side of the story.

 

So, my take on this ... I think this marriage is worth saving and is saveable, I think this is what both ISayWhoa and WaywardCandy want deep down, it's going to be hard, and take a long time, but it is do-able. They are two people who have had problems in their M and have sought an escape from reality by having an A.

 

I don't think WaywardCandy is any different to any other XWW, she had an A, so did I, she thought she was in love with XOM, so did I, she had deep feelings for this guy and did a whole lot of things with him because she was living a fantasy, what Pierre calls the affair bubble, she knew what she was doing was wrong and that she was risking everything and so in a bizarre way she had to do whatever was necessary to make XOM love her and be with her, trying to justify her actions to herself, to convince herself that she had reasons for doing what she was doing. I did exactly the same thing with my XMM. He loved his W and wasn't going to leave her so I tried every trick I could think of to try and "win" him, kinky sex games, dressing up, whatever he wanted, I did my best to try and please him. It was pathetic. I was pathetic. And you know with hindsight I don't think I really ever loved him, I think I wanted him to love me, I wanted him to want me more than he wanted his W. I wanted to win the competition. Looking back now and realising I risked everything for nothing fills me with shame and disgust at myself. But that is what I did because I was in the A bubble. My interpretation of Wayward Candy's story is that she was experiencing the same thing. It's wrong, it's madness, it's terrible, it's disgusting, but it's all typical of what happens to people having an A.

 

Anyway, I ended my A 16 months ago and have worked incredibly hard on improving my M and being the W that my H deserves. We are happy again now, extremely close, just like we were in the early days of our M. It is possible to fall back in love with your spouse after an A and to have a strong, loving, happy, contented M again. If it is what you want and you put in the work it will happen.

[Pierre]

Finally I have managed to find WaywardCandy's side of the story by Googling WaywardCandy and the forum she used is now the first one to show up, so I've read her side of the story.

 

So, my take on this ... I think this marriage is worth saving and is saveable, I think this is what both ISayWhoa and WaywardCandy want deep down, it's going to be hard, and take a long time, but it is do-able. They are two people who have had problems in their M and have sought an escape from reality by having an A.

 

I don't think WaywardCandy is any different to any other XWW, she had an A, so did I, she thought she was in love with XOM, so did I, she had deep feelings for this guy and did a whole lot of things with him because she was living a fantasy, what Pierre calls the affair bubble, she knew what she was doing was wrong and that she was risking everything and so in a bizarre way she had to do whatever was necessary to make XOM love her and be with her, trying to justify her actions to herself, to convince herself that she had reasons for doing what she was doing. I did exactly the same thing with my XMM. He loved his W and wasn't going to leave her so I tried every trick I could think of to try and "win" him, kinky sex games, dressing up, whatever he wanted, I did my best to try and please him. It was pathetic. I was pathetic. And you know with hindsight I don't think I really ever loved him, I think I wanted him to love me, I wanted him to want me more than he wanted his W. I wanted to win the competition. Looking back now and realising I risked everything for nothing fills me with shame and disgust at myself. But that is what I did because I was in the A bubble. My interpretation of Wayward Candy's story is that she was experiencing the same thing. It's wrong, it's madness, it's terrible, it's disgusting, but it's all typical of what happens to people having an A.

 

Anyway, I ended my A 16 months ago and have worked incredibly hard on improving my M and being the W that my H deserves. We are happy again now, extremely close, just like we were in the early days of our M. It is possible to fall back in love with your spouse after an A and to have a strong, loving, happy, contented M again. If it is what you want and you put in the work it will happen.

 

Exactly!. WW Candy was putting on a show to gain more admiration and validation. This is common among those that crave external validation. I believe WW Candy was a major cake eater and she never intended to leave the marriage. Her story is common and I have seen this pattern many times.

 

 

WW Candy was probably genuinely upset to discover her H had an affair, but she could not come clean with her own affair. This is also quite typical of insecure people with low self esteem that fear the concept of being judged. I see this all the time in other boards. The last thing WW CAndy wants is to be judged. She have very low self esteem and folks with low self esteem have a hard time with this. So WW Candy elected to be silent.

 

As to why WW Candy beat up her H over his affair (even though she had one of her own)? Simple answer: Some people need to put others down to elevate themselves. That is simply another mechanism to combat low self esteem.

[So happy together]

WaywardCandy,

 

I just think you should be warned, you are dealing with a forum of BS's here. You're not, and neither is your hubby, going to get an unbiased answer to your questions and anything they tell you will be tainted by their own betrayals.

 

Be careful to whom you listen. This should be taken private, to a therapist, a friend, a religious counselor. These people can't repair your marriage.

 

Just be VERY CAREFUL here.

 

I won't give you a drop of advice. I'll just say that I hope you can work things out if it is what you both want.

 

Well wishes to you both.

[Pierre]

WaywardCandy,

 

I just think you should be warned, you are dealing with a forum of BS's here. You're not, and neither is your hubby, going to get an unbiased answer to your questions and anything they tell you will be tainted by their own betrayals.

 

Be careful to whom you listen. This should be taken private, to a therapist, a friend, a religious counselor. These people can't repair your marriage.

 

Just be VERY CAREFUL here.

 

I won't give you a drop of advice. I'll just say that I hope you can work things out if it is what you both want.

 

Well wishes to you both.

 

I somehow I agree. I think some betrayed posters are way too harsh and fail to see the human condition. I believe that as afairs go this is a very typical cake eating affair where there was never any intention of leaving the marriage. This was all about external validation and in fact WW Candy affaired down to get her validation, this is quite common.

 

I believe OP should try to save his marriage as I see no evil in WW. I say go and enjoy the hysterical bonding!

[firemanq]

I'm giving myself til Friday. One thought is to have a month or two of this endless sexual marathon she thinks she wants to have with me. I know it sounds mean and you all are going to scream at me, but I think I'd like to get back a little of what I lost in the past 8 years. Maybe I'll see how it goes from there.

 

You are better than that. Besides, I think soaking your dingus in bleach after, would hurt. Just the thought makes me cringe! I best clarify, soaking my dingus in her and in bleach makes me cringe.

[So happy together]

Indeed. SHT forgot 2 add that she's an unapologetic active wayward.

 

 

 

Yes, not secret.

 

 

 

Yes.

 

 

 

Not necessarily. A friend may have relevant experience, but won't be emotionally detached from the sitch.

 

 

 

Who would most certainly advise that any and all affairs end immediately. But a religious counselor is only useful if the couple is religious.

 

 

 

Nor should they or anyone be relied on 2 repair the marriage. I've said many times on forums like this that if the marriage does recover, ONLY the couple deserves credit for that. After all, it's their work, their soul-searching, and their tenacity that makes recovery possible - not some therapist, or book, or program, or active WS, or any former WS or BS.

 

 

 

That applies anywhere.

 

-ol' 2long

 

 

You are full of crap. I am not a wayward anything. I have never cheated on anyone, ever.

[janedoe67]

Not trying to jump in here and take side but your very first post on LS was about your "BF" leaving his wife for you and you even posted some justifications about it like she is an alcoholic. So, you may not be a actual cheater but you aren't exactly a person who values marriages.

 

Um...since it takes two to cheat...then yeah....the cheating with is just as wrong as the cheating on....my hairs don't split that far.

 

OP and WC, I am a FWW who horribly had more than one affair. WC...for your husband, it is not only as if this A just happened because he just found out, there is the insult to injury addition of the fact that you DID, in fact, play the spotless victim for so many years....not just two, but every year since his D-Day.

 

He already DID the work of recovery from his A. It is time for you to do yours and then some.

[So happy together]

Not trying to jump in here and take side but your very first post on LS was about your "BF" leaving his wife for you and you even posted some justifications about it like she is an alcoholic. So, you may not be a actual cheater but you aren't exactly a person who values marriages.

 

 

I absolutely do value marriage when the people in said marriage are happy and working toward a common goal. It's when people want out but don't know how, or feel a 'duty' to stay when they are miserable that I have an issue. I was married for many years and never cheated and neither did my ex. When I felt the relationship had run its course, I left. I do value marriage. Just ones that are healthy and as we know, most of the people on this forum are not in healthy marriages. Even those that reconcile, I don't believe, are happy.

 

I am really glad my bf left. We did start out with him still married, but that was quickly remedied. We knew from the beginning it was not just an 'affair' but an exit affair, and a love affair.

 

His wife IS an alcoholic, and I am really glad he's gone. I know we are meant to be. I believe in love. If these two think they can work things out, the last thing they need to be doing is listening to a gaggle of BS's who have slanted views.

[So happy together]

Right. "Your" fmm did the cheating on his wife. You were merely a willing participant.

 

Whoa and WC can certainly decide 2 split up if one or both of them can't get past the other's affair. And so I certainly wouldn't begrudge the OW/OM the "right" 2 post their views in a public forum.

 

It just didn't seem like that's what they want, except for whoa's comments about meaning 2ward divorce.

 

-ol' 2long

 

That is correct. I was a willing participant.

 

My point is that if they want to work it out, this is not the place. They are, of course, welcome to post whatever they like. MY point is if they truly want help, they won't find it here.

[Pierre]

That is correct. I was a willing participant.

 

My point is that if they want to work it out, this is not the place. They are, of course, welcome to post whatever they like. MY point is if they truly want help, they won't find it here.

 

What really determines reconciliation is the motivation of both sides to do so. One side its 110% in. I think the husband will come around.

[findingnemo]

Man o man! What a mess!! I wish OP could come back.

 

Candy, I would like to think that your M is saveable. Really I would. But the sticking point for me is you treated your WH like crap for a long time knowing you had a secret. It seems like gas lighting taken to another level all together.

 

You can apologize for having the affair. You can even explain it and he may understand why and how it happened. But to treat the person you love so cruelly for so long just doesn't make any sense. If he hadn't discovered your secret you would have continued to use his affair against him for the rest of your lives together. This for me is the fundamental obstacle to a happy-ever-after for both of you.

[So happy together]

You know, I can see not wanting to divulge the affair if it is over. I do, however, feel that it was cruel to hod OP's affair against him. The best course of action would have been to divulge both.

 

But, the horse has left the barn. now they have to decide what it will take to get things back on track. I think it's highly possible and may even bring them closer. Good luck to you both. xx

[Pierre]

That is correct. I was a willing participant.

 

My point is that if they want to work it out, this is not the place. They are, of course, welcome to post whatever they like. MY point is if they truly want help, they won't find it here.

 

The OM was leaving the marriage. Relationships end, so exit affairs are much less ominous. It happens, no big deal!

[janedoe67]

As a WW, I have found a great deal of help here. Of course, the help I wanted was help becoming a person of actual character and honor again. Perhaps if the help I had wanted was a pat on the head and reasons my affairs were okay I would not have considered it as helpful.