Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[So happy together]

As a WW, I have found a great deal of help here. Of course, the help I wanted was help becoming a person of actual character and honor again. Perhaps if the help I had wanted was a pat on the head and reasons my affairs were okay I would not have considered it as helpful.

 

 

Well, it's a good thing I already feel I am a person of honor and character because that is the last thing I think someone can find on a forum.

[Darren Steez]

One site closes down and suddenly alot of WW pop up.

[CarrieT]

I'm hoping ISWhoa will come back and post how the weekend back together went talking with WWCandy...

[So happy together]

One site closes down and suddenly alot of WW pop up.

 

Really? What site closed?

[Pierre]

There is no such thing as a love affair.

 

-ol' 2long

 

It may not be ultimate love, but to the participants it feels like the real deal.

[So happy together]

Once again not trying to target you but I don't think you realize that valuing marriage doesn't mean you only value it when things are going well. Marriage is meant to be lifelong and overtime there will be ups and downs and how you act during the down period really shows your true colors.

 

Its easy to value marriage while everything is going well but during the bad times is when you have to work at it.

 

I think that all depends. We worked at our marriage in good and bad times. There were reasons we split. It was amicable and the right decision. However, I don't believe that if you marry someone and then subsequently grow apart, that you stay with someone because of a legally binding contract. You dissolve it and find someone new.

[So happy together]

Key word: "feels"

 

Real love is a choice, not a feeling.

 

-ol' 2long

 

 

That is just sad. Of course love is a feeling. We may choose to be in a relationship, to work at it, but you can't just love anyone. You can't choose to love someone with whom you've nothing in common. That is ludicrous. There must be feelings. Making love work in the right fashion, toward a common goal, that is a choice. Choosing to be a big part of one another's lives, choosing to commit, choosing to be there for that person, choosing to be present in the relationship, definitely. And love grows from those things. But love is a feeling.

 

I have the whole thing. It's the real deal for us. We are happy.

[eleanorrigby]

I do value marriage. Just ones that are healthy and as we know, most of the people on this forum are not in healthy marriages. Even those that reconcile, I don't believe, are happy.

 

If these two think they can work things out, the last thing they need to be doing is listening to a gaggle of BS's who have slanted views.

 

But what about your slanted view? It appears that your view is that all of us that say we are reconciled are lying, because marital reconciliation is not real.

 

How is your view going to help the couple?

[Pierre]

Key word: "feels"

 

Real love is a choice, not a feeling.

 

-ol' 2long

 

I agree with you. But, the folks having the affair are ruled by the biochemistry changes in the brain. Most behave like teenagers.

[Pierre]

That is just sad. Of course love is a feeling. We may choose to be in a relationship, to work at it, but you can't just love anyone. You can't choose to love someone with whom you've nothing in common. That is ludicrous. There must be feelings. Making love work in the right fashion, toward a common goal, that is a choice. Choosing to be a big part of one another's lives, choosing to commit, choosing to be there for that person, choosing to be present in the relationship, definitely. And love grows from those things. But love is a feeling.

 

I have the whole thing. It's the real deal for us. We are happy.

 

You are right, but you are missing a lot. You have the first part correct, but you are missing the commitment.

 

At the onset when we fall in love there is only room for that person in our hearts and we have zero interest in others. However, as years go by the high changes and it is rather easy to find someone new to get that high once again.

 

 

 

Watch this short video:

 

 

People that don't\ get this are never happy.

[2sunny]

Well, it's a good thing I already feel I am a person of honor and character because that is the last thing I think someone can find on a forum.

 

Speak for yourself. It may have to do with your perspective.

 

I find a lot of honorable people posting here - for many years. their intent is to be helpful.

[So happy together]

You are right, but you are missing a lot. You have the first part correct, but you are missing the commitment.

 

At the onset when we fall in love there is only room for that person in our hearts and we have zero interest in others. However, as years go by the high changes and it is rather easy to find someone new to get that high once again.

 

 

 

Watch this short video:

 

 

People that don't\ get this are never happy.

 

 

That's just it, Pierre, we are not missing the commitment. We are fully committed to one another.

[So happy together]

Speak for yourself. It may have to do with your perspective.

 

I find a lot of honorable people posting here - for many years. their intent is to be helpful.

 

I never said their intent was NOT to be helpful. I'm saying that the views are slanted, and they are. My direction, your direction, anyone else's.

 

If they want to help themselves they need to take it private and do so. And I honestly think they can. They both seem to want to make it work. I think that is great. I don't think that the people here have enough knowledge etc. to be very helpful. Not saying it's malicious. We are not therapists.

[2sunny]

I never said their intent was NOT to be helpful. I'm saying that the views are slanted, and they are. My direction, your direction, anyone else's.

 

If they want to help themselves they need to take it private and do so. And I honestly think they can. They both seem to want to make it work. I think that is great. I don't think that the people here have enough knowledge etc. to be very helpful. Not saying it's malicious. We are not therapists.

 

You should speak for yourself.

 

You don't have a clue what most folks here do for their job.

 

Just speak only for yourself, ok?

Now you've been t/jing.

 

I hope the OP comes back to let us know they are making progress in a direction that can help the healing begin.

[dichotomy]

That is just sad. Of course love is a feeling. We may choose to be in a relationship, to work at it, but you can't just love anyone. You can't choose to love someone with whom you've nothing in common. That is ludicrous. There must be feelings. Making love work in the right fashion, toward a common goal, that is a choice. Choosing to be a big part of one another's lives, choosing to commit, choosing to be there for that person, choosing to be present in the relationship, definitely. And love grows from those things. But love is a feeling.

 

I have the whole thing. It's the real deal for us. We are happy.

 

 

"Love is not a feeling" is from Scott M. Pecks monumental work "The Road less traveled"

 

There are more psychologists and marriage therapists who also touch this idea of love and feelings.

 

This link has a similar theme Sheryl Paul: Love is a Verb

Edited July 15, 2013 by dichotomy

[turnera]

His wife IS an alcoholic, and I am really glad he's gone. I know we are meant to be. I believe in love. If these two think they can work things out, the last thing they need to be doing is listening to a gaggle of BS's who have slanted views.

Yes, much better to dismiss what character you have left and start cheating on your legally married spouse so you have a valid REASON to divorce. You know, cos just divorcing is so blase.

[turnera]

You know, I can see not wanting to divulge the affair if it is over.

Of course you can. You're a cheater.

[turnera]

I never said their intent was NOT to be helpful. I'm saying that the views are slanted, and they are. My direction, your direction, anyone else's.

 

If they want to help themselves they need to take it private and do so. And I honestly think they can. They both seem to want to make it work. I think that is great. I don't think that the people here have enough knowledge etc. to be very helpful. Not saying it's malicious. We are not therapists.

We're not. But many of us have been around for 5, 10, 15 years, giving advice and watching what happens when one cheats, when one begs the cheater to come home, when the cheater never finds humility...all aspects of the same scenario - cheating. We know, over the years and hundreds if not thousands of cheating scenarios, that there is a script. Most cheaters follow it. We know how it works, we know WHAT works to fix marriages. Most of us have read more books from experts on marriage than people who don't come to forums put together, so, yeah, I'd say we have a really good handle on what works and what doesn't.

 

And keeping a marriage where the cheater never tells the spouse about the cheating rarely works. If they are lucky, they'll get to stay roommates for the rest of their lives. But they will never be in love, with a loving relationship, where they feel joy and blessings and grateful for each other - becaus there is DECEIPT between them.

[janedoe67]

Well, it's a good thing I already feel I am a person of honor and character because that is the last thing I think someone can find on a forum.

 

It wasn't a forum that makes me a person of honor. What makes someone a person of honor, once they have displayed that they stopped being one by interfering in a marriage - whether it is their own or someone else's - is stopping the betrayal, having remorse over their immoral actions, and changing.

 

Marriage is marriage. Qualifying it by some subjective "I value marriage if people are working on it" is a cop out that allows a person to dishonor their vows or someone else's while wrapping themselves in the illusion of justification.

 

The way that Isay and WC will truly recover is for there to be adult, honorable taking of responsibility without hair splitting and real, repentant change. If I were a drug addict who wanted to quit, I would take my cues from someone who was no longer using and understood the implication of their addiction, not the person who saw nothing wrong with loading up the crack pipe.

[Pierre]

Wow! You guys are way too harsh on So Happy Together. I know she struggles with the concept of EMRs and so forth. But, she is looking for a silver lining and she was truly with a man that was ending the marriage either way.

 

Relationships end all the time.

[Pierre]

I think our lovebirds spent the weekend in the sac.

[turnera]

Wow! You guys are way too harsh on So Happy Together. I know she struggles with the concept of EMRs and so forth. But, she is looking for a silver lining and she was truly with a man that was ending the marriage either way.

 

Relationships end all the time.

And who knows if his would have, if his 'silver lining' hadn't shown up and given him a reason to leave?

[Pierre]

And who knows if his would have, if his 'silver lining' hadn't shown up and given him a reason to leave?

 

Many cheaters don't leave because of the OW. However, some do leave. My take on this is simple: If the affair causes the married spouse to leave I say wave them good bye, don't let the door hit them on the way out.

 

However, I admit that some OWs are home wreckers and chase married men on purpose. There are a few on the other side. But, most of the time the MM are just cheaters.

 

 

Ideally, no one should touch a married person, but some men and women are weak or running out of options.

[2sunny]

I think there's value in seeking advice from folks that have been through the same experience.

 

Most can help with what did and/or what didn't work for them.

[2sunny]

You have both cheated and have also been cheated on.

 

One of the most useful things you two CAN be doing (action) is helping others here.

 

You can help - you both have experience and perspective for both sides.

 

And you may come to realize what issues you can talk THROUGH together if you begin by posting Ina variety of threads here.

 

It may bring up a multitude of subjects that can be discussed and hopefully gain a better understanding of EACH OTHERS feelings...