Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[road]

- And no, I do not in any way shape or form see this as a rebalancing of any scale. We are most definitely not on equal ground.

I saw from the keylogger that she ordered 2 books from Amazon on affairs and recovery from affairs. She also bought a religious book.

 

No affair can be undone.

 

There can never be a balancing after an affair and or RA.

 

Hope she gets the book Survivng An Affair by Dr Harley.

[Chi townD]

Starting to think that this is a zombie thread......damn.

[So happy together]

Yes, much better to dismiss what character you have left and start cheating on your legally married spouse so you have a valid REASON to divorce. You know, cos just divorcing is so blase.

 

I never said either was better or worse.

[So happy together]

Wow! You guys are way too harsh on So Happy Together. I know she struggles with the concept of EMRs and so forth. But, she is looking for a silver lining and she was truly with a man that was ending the marriage either way.

 

Relationships end all the time.

 

 

Thanks Pierre... I'm all good. I understand that it is touchy for Bs's to hear that a FOW is happy.

 

I hope the OP spent the weekend in the sack. I hope they work it out... honestly, they were both really upset, which shows feeling and passion. I think they want to save it.

[So happy together]

It wasn't a forum that makes me a person of honor. What makes someone a person of honor, once they have displayed that they stopped being one by interfering in a marriage - whether it is their own or someone else's - is stopping the betrayal, having remorse over their immoral actions, and changing.

 

Marriage is marriage. Qualifying it by some subjective "I value marriage if people are working on it" is a cop out that allows a person to dishonor their vows or someone else's while wrapping themselves in the illusion of justification.

 

The way that Isay and WC will truly recover is for there to be adult, honorable taking of responsibility without hair splitting and real, repentant change. If I were a drug addict who wanted to quit, I would take my cues from someone who was no longer using and understood the implication of their addiction, not the person who saw nothing wrong with loading up the crack pipe.

 

Your analogy is ridiculous. You can't equate love to a crack pipe. As for me, my relationship is NOT an addiction. It is a true, full, loving relationship.

 

You say "marriage is marriage" but if your marriage is stale, you're ignoring your spouse in deference to other things, then you've dishonored your vows to begin with. I'm not saying run away if there are problems. I am simply saying that if you are unhappy, no longer in love with the person you married, then perhaps it has run it's course and changes should be made. Period. If you (generally) want to stay in an unhappy relationship so that you don't have to explain, or so the neighbor's don't talk, for money, whatever... if love is not involved, don't be surprised when your partner finds someone else to love.

[dichotomy]

More from Scott M. Peck

 

"The common tendency to confuse love with the feeling of love allows people all manner of self-deception. An alcoholic man, whose wife and children are desperately in need of his attention at that very moment, may be sitting in a bar with tears in his eyes, telling the bartender, "I really love my family." People who neglect their children in the grossest of ways more often than not will consider themselves the most loving of parents. It is clear that there may be a self-serving quality in this tendency to confuse love with the feeling of love; it is easy and not at all unpleasant to find evidence of love in one's feelings. It may be difficult and painful to search for evidence of love in one's actions. But because true love is an act of will that often transcends ephemeral feelings of love or cathexis, it is correct to say, "Love is as love does." Love and nonlove, as good and evil, are objective and not purely subjective phenomena"

[turnera]

Thanks Pierre... I'm all good. I understand that it is touchy for Bs's to hear that a FOW is happy.

 

I hope the OP spent the weekend in the sack. I hope they work it out... honestly, they were both really upset, which shows feeling and passion. I think they want to save it.

I'm not a BS. I just hate seeing people justifying doing immoral things.

[Mycteria]

Your analogy is ridiculous. You can't equate love to a crack pipe. As for me, my relationship is NOT an addiction. It is a true, full, loving relationship.

 

You say "marriage is marriage" but if your marriage is stale, you're ignoring your spouse in deference to other things, then you've dishonored your vows to begin with. I'm not saying run away if there are problems. I am simply saying that if you are unhappy, no longer in love with the person you married, then perhaps it has run it's course and changes should be made. Period. If you (generally) want to stay in an unhappy relationship so that you don't have to explain, or so the neighbor's don't talk, for money, whatever... if love is not involved, don't be surprised when your partner finds someone else to love.

 

If this is what you believe, then why get married? Why not just remain in a long term relationship, that way as soon as you are "unhappy" and "no longer in love" you can more easily make those "changes" that "should be made"? Because I guarantee that if you stay in a relationship long enough, there will be long periods of time where you don't feel happy and in love. People who think as you do should (clearly) just not get married. Marriage is supposed to be for life. If you aren't ready or that...if you think there should always be an escape clause for when you 'fall out of love' (as you invariably will) then just don't get married.

 

I don't mean this in an offensive way. It's a perfectly sane and rational approach to take on relationships. You are right, relationships DO end all the time and perhaps if you are unhappy, you should leave. But that is not what marriage is about. You need to accept that your view of relationships doesn't match what a marriage is. Just make it easier on yourself and don't get married. It'll save a lot of time and money.

[aliveagain]

ISayWhoa,are you ok, you haven't posted in a while?

[ISayWhoa]

ISayWhoa,are you ok, you haven't posted in a while?

 

 

Thanks for the concern ..! All is fine. For most of the week, I put our past behind us and we've been in bed .. alot

 

 

But as of yesterday, the past did come back to haunt me once again. It's as though the demons in my head let me out of prison for a one week furlough so I can enjoy some freedom. But they're slowly coming back and I really don't want them to.

 

My big sticking point .. that I'm #2 in the end. Sorry, I can't seem to wrestle that one down. It sucks.

 

Almost simultaneously, somehting else came up, but I'm not sure I can discuss it here.

Edited July 17, 2013 by ISayWhoa

[GorillaTheater]

Almost simultaneously, somehting else came up, but I'm not sure I can discuss it here.

 

I'm going to take the liberty of suggesting you PM Owl. He doesn't go by "Owl" for nothing, and his advice is always solid gold.

[Owl]

I'm going to take the liberty of suggesting you PM Owl. He doesn't go by "Owl" for nothing, and his advice is always solid gold.

 

Thanks for the vote of confidence, GT. I don't know how 'golden' my advice actually is, and honestly my moniker of "Owl" doesn't have anything to do with me being wise...'cause I really ain't.

 

But I'd be glad to offer whatever advice I can if you'd like, ISayWhoa.

[CarrieT]

Whoa, I'm sorry you feel you can't open up to us here - or maybe it is because your wife is now here and you feel you have to censor yourself.

 

We all understand and warned you this process was going to be complicated and hard. You just went through a honeymoon period of getting re-acquainted with your wife but now the demons of doubt are starting to creep back in; that is TOTALLY expected.

 

Stay strong and know that it is all a process. There is no final destination to a perfect harmony, but a continuing journey. You are simply in that period of time where you traveling with your wife and deciding if you wish to complete that journey of life with her or not.

 

We've been thinking about you and hope you will continue to provide updates when you feel comfortable on how your journey is going.

[Pierre]

Thanks for the concern ..! All is fine. For most of the week, I put our past behind us and we've been in bed .. alot

 

 

:laugh: Enjoy!!!!!!!!!:love:

 

 

 

 

But as of yesterday, the past did come back to haunt me once again. It's as though the demons in my head let me out of prison for a one week furlough so I can enjoy some freedom. But they're slowly coming back and I really don't want them to.

 

My big sticking point .. that I'm #2 in the end. Sorry, I can't seem to wrestle that one down. It sucks.

 

Almost simultaneously, somehting else came up, but I'm not sure I can discuss it here.

 

It is called the roller coaster, quite normal. The amplitude and frequency of the valleys will be become smaller over time. Sex is a goo treatment for the valleys.

[dichotomy]

 

My big sticking point .. that I'm #2 in the end. Sorry, I can't seem to wrestle that one down. It sucks.

 

 

I understand the history and story - and why this bothers you. She appears to have been honest with you about her feelings - AT THE TIME - the affair was happening. Since she appears to have been brutally honest about how she was feeling then - then perphas you can work with what her feelings have been since that affair many years ago and now.

 

Many of us understand what your feeling.. I know I do.

 

Best wishes - i do hope you consider finding a new marriage therapist. I know you felt it was worthless the last time - because only you were honest back then. I think the cat is mostly out of the bag now and your wife is trying to put it out there - I think its time to take her back to therapy for a while.

[Pierre]

OP

 

Most people in affairs have real feeling. However, the feelings develop in the affair bubble and are not valid outside the affair bubble.

[2sunny]

With all the distorted thoughts vs actions that are happening now - I suggest you two sort through the tangled mess with a professional to sift through the garbage and work on things that help you two feel better about healing your marriage.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Whoa, if you work out your M and everything is fine in the long run that will be great!

 

But, here's a concern you might want to think about:

 

When a person has integrity it's pretty much exhibited across the board. Meaning that they keep their word, are honest and forthright in all of their dealings.

 

To enter into a relationship, business or personal, with anyone who is dishonest in a category of their lives that you can observe is to expose yourself to dishonesty within the relationship category.

 

The concern I have for you and WC is that she came on this board and offered to answer questions that folks on this board have. But, instead of following through she copped out. She did answer some questions. But, she disappeared before she was finished answering questions others asked in the same time frame.

 

Obviously, the two of you have been very busy so that's possibly why we haven't heard back from her and why she has left questions unanswered. But, she has broken her commitment to answer our questions, though she did answer some.

 

However, since she told us she would answer all questions, one would think she would come back on the board at some point and explain why she hasn't kept her word. Or at least say, "I'm pretty busy now but will be back at some point." Or even explain why she has decided not to answer questions.

 

This seems to be to be an indication of immaturity, or lack of responsibility or lack of integrity. Or all of the above.

 

Yes, easy to pass off as a minor detail and "she's been too busy," or whatever. But, bottom line she's not keeping her word.

 

A friend of mine, an attorney entered into a business relationship with another attorney and a couple of businessmen. They were out golfing one day and some of the guys talked about a little illegal gambling they were doing. I told my friend he should get out of the business as these were not people of integrity. He indicated to me it was just a little thing and he wasn't worried about it.

 

Turns out one of the guys cleaned out the business bank account (around 200K) behind his back and the business had to shut down due to lack of operating funds. My friend lost a lot that he wouldn't have lost had he paid attention to the lack of integrity in other seemingly little things.

 

You might think it understandable and a very minor detail that WC hasn't returned to answer questions as she promised or even to to let us know why she isn't following through. But, it seems to me it's (along with past behavior) indicative of irresponsibility and lack of keeping her word.

 

You, Whoa, did come back to update us, though you hadn't promised us you would. She, however, did promise and is not keeping it.

 

Not trying to be hard on her at all. But, watching little things like this is one way you know how she will behave in the future. Mostly, all you have is her word, as to what your future holds with her.

 

Observe how she keeps her word with others and that may help you decide how she will regard her word in accordance with your relationship with her.

 

Proceed with caution.

[Confused48]

When a person has integrity it's pretty much exhibited across the board. Meaning that they keep their word, are honest and forthright in all of their dealings.

 

Proceed with caution.

 

I understand you point and agree to a point. But keep in mind no one is perfect. If you want to find a mate that is always honest and never did anything that lacked integrity then we are talking Buddha or Jesus. And those guys don't need a marriage partner.

[2sunny]

I understand you point and agree to a point. But keep in mind no one is perfect. If you want to find a mate that is always honest and never did anything that lacked integrity then we are talking Buddha or Jesus. And those guys don't need a marriage partner.

 

What is your point? Of course no one is perfect.

 

To expect honesty isn't unreasonable. We all mess up - but OWNING what I do wrong is most of the battle. Correcting my bad behavior is the other part of the equation when I do things the wrong way.

 

 

 

But in THIS case - his wife never INTENDED to be honest with him... But she sure enjoyed punishing HIS bad behavior even though he was doing the actions to correct it.

 

How can he be assured she will be honest from here moving forward? How does she plan to set things right and give him the peace of mind he tried so hard to give her while in counseling?

[Confused48]

What is your point? Of course no one is perfect.

 

To expect honesty isn't unreasonable. We all mess up - but OWNING what I do wrong is most of the battle. Correcting my bad behavior is the other part of the equation when I do things the wrong way.

 

 

 

But in THIS case - his wife never INTENDED to be honest with him... But she sure enjoyed punishing HIS bad behavior even though he was doing the actions to correct it.

 

How can he be assured she will be honest from here moving forward? How does she plan to set things right and give him the peace of mind he tried so hard to give her while in counseling?

 

I think people can change. I know I have over the years changed a lot. Gained a lot more personal integrity. I still am flawed. Very. But very much improved as well.

 

I'm not saying that the OP should trust or not trust WC. I'm not close enough to the situation to be able to have an opinion on that. I'm just saying that to expect perfection is too much.

 

Maybe not for some people but from where these two started, to expect perfection now, is not reasonable. And I'm not saying that harshly. I admit to being flawed myself. Maybe a whole lot more than Living Waters. And so I have a different expectation of WC at this point in time than Living Waters does.

[Sooverhim]

I agree with Confused48. I have changed a lot in the past 16 months since I ended my A, for the better. I am not the person I was before, I am still flawed, but I am a more decent, nicer, healthier person now, a better W, mother and friend. I am very focused now on looking at my past behaviour, why I did what I did, understanding where I went wrong and putting all my energies into being a good, happy, honest, loving person. I've still got lots of work to do, I think I will always be working on myself, I don't think I can ever forgive myself for having an A, but I am making it up to my H and children, and to myself, every day, as best as I can.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Issue is integrity, not perfection. Give your word, keep it. Or at least explain why you've decided not to.

 

Btw, I like livingwaters better than LivingWaterPlease!

[Confused48]

Issue is integrity, not perfection. Give your word, keep it. Or at least explain why you've decided not to.

 

Btw, I like livingwaters better than LivingWaterPlease!

 

LW, you might note that I posted questions for WC. In my post I thanked her for her offer to answer questions and noted that the offer may have been too generous. I don't think she realized what a flood of questions would be thrown at her. She was new to this site. I don't think the OP should put too much importance on the fact that she has not been back here to explain. And if she never comes back it is still no a huge betrayal or lack of integrity. Just a small imperfection. IMHO

 

But then others have said I cut my WS too much slack. So I'm sure they would agree with you and not me. I know I cut WS slack bc of my own imperfections. People with less imperfections, you seem like one, well they are entitled to expect more from others than those of us with more flawed characters.

[WaywardCandy]

LW, you might note that I posted questions for WC. In my post I thanked her for her offer to answer questions and noted that the offer may have been too generous. I don't think she realized what a flood of questions would be thrown at her. She was new to this site. I don't think the OP should put too much importance on the fact that she has not been back here to explain. And if she never comes back it is still no a huge betrayal or lack of integrity. Just a small imperfection. IMHO

 

But then others have said I cut my WS too much slack. So I'm sure they would agree with you and not me. I know I cut WS slack bc of my own imperfections. People with less imperfections, you seem like one, well they are entitled to expect more from others than those of us with more flawed characters.

 

Excuse me, but i answered all the real questions that were posed to me. If you notice, that past 5+ pages have been comments and no questions. I've been checking the site to see if any new ones came up. The last questions i noticed came from Beach, and i didn't bother to answer because a) He completely misread my previous anwers and b) The question didn't look like it demanded an answer, it looked like a comment disguised as a question. But if anyone has any real questions, or if i somehow missed some, then please let me know. I'll be happy to answer more questions. I did not say i was going to be an active paricipant, posting comments along the way. I hope this clarifies things a bit. Thank you.