Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[findingnemo]

WWCandy,

 

There are two main problems Whoa has:

 

1. You, knowing you had been unfaithful, tortured him for years. How could you keep doing that? I understand not admitting your own affair but why make it seem like you were a saint and make him feel like he was abnormal? What was going on in your mind? Did you at times forget that you'd had an affair?

 

2. He feels like you stayed with him because OM dumped you. Is this true? Was it true at the time? If you were unhappy why didn't you "use" his affair as an excuse to leave him? What made you stay?

[turnera]

Here's my question: What did you literally think of him, ABOUT him, while you were cheating? Be as specific as you can. When hubby came up in your mind, what came next?

[Pierre]

Here's my question: What did you literally think of him, ABOUT him, while you were cheating? Be as specific as you can. When hubby came up in your mind, what came next?

 

Oh, please! Folks in affairs are addicted. Addicts don't think very well, they still money from grandma to get drugs. She was on a HIGH.

 

Some women that need external validation become very addicted to the validation. And she has poor boundaries.

 

 

No need to beat up WWC, she is a normal insecure WW who sough validation.

[beatcuff]

WWCandy,

 

question -

why are you responding to these questions?

is your H demanding it?

you are doing so hoping to regain some trust with H?

 

you owe us nothing, its your life and the path you chose will be the one you own with little impact on me or those on this board.

 

both of you would be better served to discuss with MC to determine the path that will make both of you happier. and if H will not go you should.

 

good luck.

[Pierre]

WWCandy,

 

There are two main problems Whoa has:

 

1. You, knowing you had been unfaithful, tortured him for years. How could you keep doing that? I understand not admitting your own affair but why make it seem like you were a saint and make him feel like he was abnormal? What was going on in your mind? Did you at times forget that you'd had an affair?

 

2. He feels like you stayed with him because OM dumped you. Is this true? Was it true at the time? If you were unhappy why didn't you "use" his affair as an excuse to leave him? What made you stay?

 

Easy, insecurity, lack of empathy. These traits are common win cheating spouses. This does not mean she is evil. She simply needed to do that to feel better about herself.

 

 

WWC was a cake eater, she never planned to leave her marriage.

[Pierre]

WWCandy,

 

question -

why are you responding to these questions?

is your H demanding it?

you are doing so hoping to regain some trust with H?

 

you owe us nothing, its your life and the path you chose will be the one you own with little impact on me or those on this board.

 

both of you would be better served to discuss with MC to determine the path that will make both of you happier. and if H will not go you should.

 

good luck.

 

I disagree, these forums can be helpful and are available 24/7. That is much better than one hour a week with a counselor that has little experience with infidelity.

[janedoe67]

I agree forums can be very helpful. This one has been to me. But in the long run, the person to whom WC owes answers and amends is Isaywhoa, and vice versa. I have seen too many cases on forums where a spouse is asked something, then an hour later "why haven't you answered us???" then two hours later there are 5 comments about how "I KNEW they weren't serious about recovery," as if faceless forum members were the ones betrayed and not the BS.

 

I don't know about anyone else, but I have a job, a husband, children, aging parents, housework, etc. And no...answering forum questions is NOT more important than any of those and is NOT necessarily indicative of commitment, though it can be. Honestly, on some forums I wonder how spouses who are spouting all the rhetoric actually have time to follow it because they seem to be posting every 5 minutes 24/7 on a forum.

 

That being said, I do agree that WC has a long way to go before she can say she has honestly looked at not only her A, but her deceptive and self-righteous punishment of whoa for his.

[findingnemo]

Easy, insecurity, lack of empathy. These traits are common win cheating spouses. This does not mean she is evil. She simply needed to do that to feel better about herself.

 

 

WWC was a cake eater, she never planned to leave her marriage.

 

I don't believe WWC is evil. But I think she really has to try and figure out why she acted the way she did. It's as if she was punishing him not only for his A but hers as well.

[Radu]

I've just read through this 33 page thread.

 

I'd just like to thank the dou*hebag who pointed to this thread, he did a major disservice to the OP [and indirectly WC].

It pointed WC to this thread, and after reading the last few pages of it ... i just don't believe it.

The answers are just too open, too honest, and there are too few unanswered questions [in fact i can think of none overall].

Not to mention that she admitted to reading this thread 3 times already.

 

I did not want to see her squirm, but it would have been better for the OP if she just saw his knowledge of her bullshi*ting when confronted as something without any real explanation.

Her actions would have spoken volumes over time, and there would have been no doubt about weather she was dedicated to salvaging this marriage, or just feeding back what he knows and what she knows he wants to hear.

 

I have tried to put myself in the position of your husband WC, to picture myself in his shoes, and even though i got betrayed before, and am familiar to the pain, i don't think i could learn to stand the pain i suspect he is feeling right now.

 

PS: Pls remember ppl, this thread is about the OP and WC. It is not to argue back and forth over what your own vision of how things should be handled.

[2sunny]

I have a question.

 

How did you feel when he had angry, mean spirited sex with you...before he told you he knew?

[Nyla]

Well my phone was ringing off the hook. I was in a meeting and I didn't hear the first 10 calls. I finally called her back and she was extremely upset. She asked me if I was spying on her via the computer. So I told her that yes I was qnd I explained that I put in a keylogger on there. She asked me how to take it off, but I know it's too complicated for her to do it. So I told her to use her iPad since I have no monitoring on there.

 

She asked me who the person was on the other board. And so I just told her the truth about this thread. Hell with it. She then hung up on me without saying goodbye.

 

I suspect I better get ready to pay up another week of rent in this place. I'm not ready to have a fight about my spying.

 

I don't understand why you told her you were spying AND told your wife where she can cheat undetected.

 

Spying is supposed to be done secretly.

[findingnemo]

I don't understand why you told her you were spying AND told your wife where she can cheat undetected.

 

Spying is supposed to be done secretly.

 

Someone here went to another website, found her and spilled the beans. Being an honest kind of bloke, Whoa admitted it.

[LivingWaterPlease]

Wayward Candy, your follow-up post is appreciated!

 

I posted questions on July 14. Three and a half days later I entered a post expressing concern about what seemed at that point to be your lack of follow up. By way of explanation, three and a half days is not such a long time; however, the tempo of the posts had been set by Whoa and they were appearing at much closer intervals than the posts you've entered. So, it seemed possible at that time that you were not going to return to answer the questions you promised to answer.

 

Please know that in no way would I expect you to come on here to answer questions to posters on Whoa's thread. For more reasons than one, it is not something I would think wise to do under the circumstances you are facing.

 

However, since you did promise to answer questions I decided to follow through to ask why you didn't address the ones I posted. Perhaps you did answer my questions and I missed where you posted them.

 

I had decided not to engage in this thread any longer as I do wish the best for you and Whoa and it seems to me that would be best served by the two of you finding a professional counselor to work with at this point.

 

I'm now posting as a courtesy to you for your reply addressing my concern that you possibly were not going to keep your word.

 

As I stated, my questions were asked on July 14. At this point, I don't care whether you answer them or not.

 

I am truly sorry for the grief the two of you must be experiencing. So very sorry.

 

Best,

LivingWatersPlease

[WaywardCandy]

WWCandy,

 

There are two main problems Whoa has:

 

1. You, knowing you had been unfaithful, tortured him for years. How could you keep doing that? I understand not admitting your own affair but why make it seem like you were a saint and make him feel like he was abnormal? What was going on in your mind? Did you at times forget that you'd had an affair?

 

2. He feels like you stayed with him because OM dumped you. Is this true? Was it true at the time? If you were unhappy why didn't you "use" his affair as an excuse to leave him? What made you stay?

 

 

1) That was not at all my aim. I certainly don't think i tortured him years. Yes, i was very angry about the affair he had, and i think i minimized mine in my head as being less serious, which i realize is completely crazy. I also rationalized my anger because my affair had already been over, but his was ongoing. But even though i had my own affair, it didn't minimize the hurt i felt at all and in fact it made me feel more insecure because i thought that somehow i was being punished (also crazy). The bottom line is not that i was angry with him to give myself pleasure, i was just angry with him. I wasn't aware that i made myself out to be a saint, although maybe i did pretend to have been faithful and did use that a few times in arguments we had, yes. I'm appalled at myself for having done that. I wish i could take that back.

 

2)I did not stay because OM dumped me. I don't think we were at the stage of our Relationship where i would have left H for OM. Again, lile i said before, i might have if the affair had gone on longer, maybe, i can't tell. I was unhappy if the marriage, but i guess i wasn't unhappy enough to leave H. At the time, i really just enjoyed being with OM. I stayed because i still loved H and our family, but i was having issues connecting with H that were really my fault alone.

[WaywardCandy]

Here's my question: What did you literally think of him, ABOUT him, while you were cheating? Be as specific as you can. When hubby came up in your mind, what came next?

 

I'm sorry .. about who? OM or H? What do you mean by "what came next"?

[WaywardCandy]

WWCandy,

 

question -

why are you responding to these questions?

is your H demanding it?

you are doing so hoping to regain some trust with H?

 

you owe us nothing, its your life and the path you chose will be the one you own with little impact on me or those on this board.

 

both of you would be better served to discuss with MC to determine the path that will make both of you happier. and if H will not go you should.

 

good luck.

No, it was my idea, not his. Yes.

[beatcuff]

I disagree, these forums can be helpful and are available 24/7. That is much better than one hour a week with a counselor that has little experience with infidelity.

 

this thread is NOW a failure because both sides are reading it. there are no inner thoughts (H already stated he stopped), just a show (W jumping hoops to prove to H her [actually not really sure] --- much like we have seen with that 'perfect' couple in public that is crumbling inside.

 

infidelity is no longer the issue (both did it many years ago) its is now what is there to build on --- bedrock (doubtful), gravel (maybe) or wet sand (useless). time for the MC.

[janedoe67]

Regarding your answer to question 1...every day that you allowed him to feel horrible about his A while NOT disclosing yours...you WERE pretending to be faithful.

 

Instead of spending paragraphs trying to "explain" why you did it, why not just not qualify it and say it. was. wrong.

[beatcuff]

i have been following this thread for many weeks. i was almost positive it was a fake. i was thinking the events were real but in the past, it was a narrative by a BS that was stating what he wished he did (remember those two 'encounters').

 

after reading W on other site i am more comfortable it is genuine (it was easy to find searching her screen name).

 

but is anyone else curious/shocked/disappointed in the choice of screen name for W ---- wayward candy.

WAYWARD brings an image of a person who lost their way (fine)

but CANDY --- a beautiful person(?) and/or beauty queen, a treasure, an attitude of how dare he not accept me. i find it odd for a person that appears to be asking for forgiveness to use that screen name.

[Pierre]

i have been following this thread for many weeks. i was almost positive it was a fake. i was thinking the events were real but in the past, it was a narrative by a BS that was stating what he wished he did (remember those two 'encounters').

 

after reading W on other site i am more comfortable it is genuine (it was easy to find searching her screen name).

 

but is anyone else curious/shocked/disappointed in the choice of screen name for W ---- wayward candy.

WAYWARD brings an image of a person who lost their way (fine)

but CANDY --- a beautiful person(?) and/or beauty queen, a treasure, an attitude of how dare he not accept me. i find it odd for a person that appears to be asking for forgiveness to use that screen name.

 

I agree with your point regarding the name Candy. However, for a woman with low self esteem that thrives of external validation from the opposite sex it makes sense. Women that see themselves as sexual generally pick handles like that.

[2011aug]

IsayWhoa, find another forum if you need to discuss openly about your marriage issues. It's better for you if you can get other inputs so that you dont get tunnel visioned. You are too close to your situation to be able to see clearly.

[turnera]

I'm sorry .. about who? OM or H? What do you mean by "what came next"?

When you were in the middle of it, if you thought of your H, what thought came next? Boy, he's a chump? I feel sorry for him that he doesn't know what I'm doing? I hate him?

 

Where and how did he register in your mind?

[BrokenPrincess]

Interesting to see several people commenting on her screen name. I didn't think anything of it ...thought it was Wayward (like WS vs BS) and Candy was her real name or close to, like Candace IRL. Those other interpretations didn't even occur to me.

[Darth Vader]

I googled wayward candy last week. In addition 2 these forums, "sexy lingerie" came up. Don't know if it means anything, though.

 

-ol' 2long

 

 

Here's something I found as well. "Oh great. Are you one his friends? Tell me, how did you know i was posting here? Does he know?

 

Looks like the world is smaller than i thought. I'm sorry, but i'm not going to be able to post here anymore.

 

edit: Wait - how DID you know I was posting here? It's not like i posted specifics. Is my computer being monitored??? Is he monitoring my PC???

 

Now i'm mad. He's spying on me. What, does he think i'm cheating now? That was years ago? Before HIS affair!!! I haven't seen or heard from the OM in ages. Why was he doing this? maybe you all were right. This marriage is broken beyond repair. My god, does he have cameras and recorders all over the house too?"

 

 

As you can see, it's apparent she's still minimizing her affair! The posted date was 7/11/13! Not long ago! Like she has any right to feel violated, OKAY!

[Confused48]

Here's something I found as well. "Oh great. Are you one his friends? Tell me, how did you know i was posting here? Does he know?

 

Looks like the world is smaller than i thought. I'm sorry, but i'm not going to be able to post here anymore.

 

edit: Wait - how DID you know I was posting here? It's not like i posted specifics. Is my computer being monitored??? Is he monitoring my PC???

 

Now i'm mad. He's spying on me. What, does he think i'm cheating now? That was years ago? Before HIS affair!!! I haven't seen or heard from the OM in ages. Why was he doing this? maybe you all were right. This marriage is broken beyond repair. My god, does he have cameras and recorders all over the house too?"

 

 

As you can see, it's apparent she's still minimizing her affair! The posted date was 7/11/13! Not long ago! Like she has any right to feel violated, OKAY!

 

Wow. As a BS I can't believe that I'm saying this but Darth, you just made her case for her. Your sarcastic quoting just proves that she DOES have a right to think he may not be worthy of her, despite what she did. She should rethink asking him to reconcile. I did not think it possible that I could see it from this view point but you did it for me. I do see that she has good reason to wonder if she should stay one more night in a house with him. Ugh.

 

Think about it Candy. Maybe you should move on. Sad to say. Since I'm in your BS's position. But your BS sounds vindictive and possibly unsalvageable. Not every WS should beg for a second chance. You already did. If he is not on board 100%, jump ship.