Darth Vader Posted July 21, 2013 Share Posted July 21, 2013 Wow. As a BS I can't believe that I'm saying this but Darth, you just made her case for her. Your sarcastic quoting just proves that she DOES have a right to think he may not be worthy of her, despite what she did. She should rethink asking him to reconcile. I did not think it possible that I could see it from this view point but you did it for me. I do see that she has good reason to wonder if she should stay one more night in a house with him. Ugh. Think about it Candy. Maybe you should move on. Sad to say. Since I'm in your BS's position. But your BS sounds vindictive and possibly unsalvageable. Not every WS should beg for a second chance. You already did. If he is not on board 100%, jump ship. Well, that wasn't exactly the point I was trying to make, but, yeah, perhaps he is being vindictive, perhaps rightly so! Why? Because, she's already raked him over the coals and then some for him cheating on her, yet, she knew full well what she had already done years prior to him! So, her husband's got it twice over, if not more! So the way I see it, it was okay for her to screw someone else, but, not him! See where this is going? Then, there's the fact she's getting spied on, yeah, ok, sure. How much did she do it to him and still she never said anything about her screwing her OM! You can't protect her without hitting her with the same exact thing/s she's already done! You can't do that, you can't be bias! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 21, 2013 Share Posted July 21, 2013 (edited) Well, that wasn't exactly the point I was trying to make, but, yeah, perhaps he is being vindictive, perhaps rightly so! Why? Because, she's already raked him over the coals and then some for him cheating on her, yet, she knew full well what she had already done years prior to him! So, her husband's got it twice over, if not more! So the way I see it, it was okay for her to screw someone else, but, not him! See where this is going? Then, there's the fact she's getting spied on, yeah, ok, sure. How much did she do it to him and still she never said anything about her screwing her OM! You can't protect her without hitting her with the same exact thing/s she's already done! You can't do that, you can't be bias! Here's another point for you. Candy's just now beginning to feel what she did to her husband and all of the wrong doings while forcing her Husband to live a Lie! He's probably reeling from this, so HELL YEAH he's mad! Wouldn't you be? Not to mention he has zero reason to trust his wife! As to him, it's like this just happened! So now Candy's just beginning to feel the consequences to her actions! They SUCK, don't they? Oh, and lastly, if the OM hadn't have dumped her, 1. she'd still be screwing her OM and/or 2. she would've left her Husband for this OM. Then 3. that shows us all that her Husband is choice number 2! Edited July 21, 2013 by Darth Vader Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 What people don't seem to realize is that even if an A was 20 years ago, if the BS found out yesterday, then to him/her it feels like it happened YESTERDAY. And in this case, when you add on the whole "poor faithful victim wife" routine that was played out KNOWING she had already had an A of her own, then I have trouble thinking he should just "get over it cause it happened years ago." To him it is fresh, and it allows him to see his own feelings of singular horribleness in a whole different light given that the one he betrayed had already betrayed him and STILL did the moral high ground dance. Affairs are ALWAYS wrong, no matter who does what first. But this woman needs some humility, and I am not sensing one iota of that. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Here's another point for you. Candy's just now beginning to feel what she did to her husband and all of the wrong doings while forcing her Husband to live a Lie! He's probably reeling from this, so HELL YEAH he's mad! Wouldn't you be? Not to mention he has zero reason to trust his wife! As to him, it's like this just happened! So now Candy's just beginning to feel the consequences to her actions! They SUCK, don't they? Oh, and lastly, if the OM hadn't have dumped her, 1. she'd still be screwing her OM and/or 2. she would've left her Husband for this OM. Then 3. that shows us all that her Husband is choice number 2! I'm with you to the point that Whoa is #2. No way. WC was a cake eater. Her OM was never going to be her #1. Not even close. Cake eaters suck. I hate cake eaters. But Whoa does not have to worry he was ever number 2. He knows he was not. He is just with a cake eater. Which is bad enough but not the same. Hopefully WC is done with being a cake eater. Time will tell. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Interesting to see several people commenting on her screen name. I didn't think anything of it ...thought it was Wayward (like WS vs BS) and Candy was her real name or close to, like Candace IRL. Those other interpretations didn't even occur to me. I have noted that many in the OW forum are rather innocent. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Well, that wasn't exactly the point I was trying to make, but, yeah, perhaps he is being vindictive, perhaps rightly so! Why? Because, she's already raked him over the coals and then some for him cheating on her, yet, she knew full well what she had already done years prior to him! So, her husband's got it twice over, if not more! So the way I see it, it was okay for her to screw someone else, but, not him! See where this is going? Then, there's the fact she's getting spied on, yeah, ok, sure. How much did she do it to him and still she never said anything about her screwing her OM! You can't protect her without hitting her with the same exact thing/s she's already done! You can't do that, you can't be bias! The truth. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Here's another point for you. Candy's just now beginning to feel what she did to her husband and all of the wrong doings while forcing her Husband to live a Lie! He's probably reeling from this, so HELL YEAH he's mad! Wouldn't you be? Not to mention he has zero reason to trust his wife! As to him, it's like this just happened! So now Candy's just beginning to feel the consequences to her actions! They SUCK, don't they? Oh, and lastly, if the OM hadn't have dumped her, 1. she'd still be screwing her OM and/or 2. she would've left her Husband for this OM. Then 3. that shows us all that her Husband is choice number 2! More truth. Though if they both do the work a recovery can happen. Link to post Share on other sites
road Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Her OM was never going to be her #1. In the OM's mind WW was never going to be No 1 just an amusement ride. Bend her over and jump on whenever he wanted. Proof when banging WW was more trouble then the sex the OM dumped WW. In WW mind it can never be proved that her BH was No 1. She had her BH in the No 2 spot and showed no intentions to be ending her affair. So from the actions of the OM and the WW how can this BH think that he was nothing but the 2nd choice? Link to post Share on other sites
findingnemo Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 1) That was not at all my aim. I certainly don't think i tortured him years. Yes, i was very angry about the affair he had, and i think i minimized mine in my head as being less serious, which i realize is completely crazy. I also rationalized my anger because my affair had already been over, but his was ongoing. But even though i had my own affair, it didn't minimize the hurt i felt at all and in fact it made me feel more insecure because i thought that somehow i was being punished (also crazy). The bottom line is not that i was angry with him to give myself pleasure, i was just angry with him. I wasn't aware that i made myself out to be a saint, although maybe i did pretend to have been faithful and did use that a few times in arguments we had, yes. I'm appalled at myself for having done that. I wish i could take that back. Thank you for being honest. Torture may be hyperbole but to him any mention of the A (of which there may have been many instances) made him feel like shyte for a long time. So you would mention it and forget it, and he would think about it for hours and hours beating himself up over it. Had he known about your own A, I'm sure he would have not suffered so much. But yes, I believe you when you say that just because you had had one yourself didn't make you immune to feeling the pain of betrayal. 2)I did not stay because OM dumped me. I don't think we were at the stage of our Relationship where i would have left H for OM. Again, lile i said before, i might have if the affair had gone on longer, maybe, i can't tell. I was unhappy if the marriage, but i guess i wasn't unhappy enough to leave H. At the time, i really just enjoyed being with OM. I stayed because i still loved H and our family, but i was having issues connecting with H that were really my fault alone. I like this answer. It makes sense since you stayed even after you found out about your H's A. I hope you are going to identify and work on those connection issues. And FYI, they are not your fault alone. They never were and they will never be. They belong to you both as a couple. Thanks for answering my questions. I hope Whoa sees this. I think the two of you have a chance at working things out if you want to. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ISayWhoa Posted July 22, 2013 Author Share Posted July 22, 2013 In the OM's mind WW was never going to be No 1 just an amusement ride. Bend her over and jump on whenever he wanted. Proof when banging WW was more trouble then the sex the OM dumped WW. In WW mind it can never be proved that her BH was No 1. She had her BH in the No 2 spot and showed no intentions to be ending her affair. So from the actions of the OM and the WW how can this BH think that he was nothing but the 2nd choice? Yes, and that is the real question isn't it? How indeed. I know that my wife didn't end the affair with this guy because of anything having to do with me. It ended when he said it ended! Maybe I should look him up, go to his house, get on my knees and thank him profusely for having been so kind as to let me have my wife instead of keeping her. The state of my marriage was up to some sh*thead I don't even know. You know what? I'm done. Who am I kidding? There's no way to fix this. None. Nada. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 The state of my marriage was up to some sh*thead I don't even know. You know what? I'm done. Who am I kidding? There's no way to fix this. None. Nada. I'm sorry you feel this way, ISWhoa... But completely understand. You have traversed a long road in this process and will still have a rash of hurt as you start the healing process. We will continue to be here for you and help you through that process, if you so choose. I also hope you consider individual counseling or to reach out to some of the folks here in Private Messages if you need to vent or get feedback. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ISayWhoa Posted July 22, 2013 Author Share Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) Here, I have a question. Can I ask a question, honey? Since D-Day being what D-Day is, your husband has very tarnished memories of his affair as being the source of your pain and a symbol of my failure as a husband. But you suffered none of that for several years. Your memories of your affair were a sweet secret you shared with him. So my question is, how many times did you jill yourself off while you thought about his c*ck? Edited July 22, 2013 by ISayWhoa 1 Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Here, I have a question. Can I ask a question, honey? Since D-Day being what D-Day is, your husband has very tarnished memories of his affair as being the source of your pain and a symbol of my failure as a husband. But you suffered none of that for several years. Your memories of your affair were a sweet secret you shared with him. So my question is, how many times did you jill yourself off while you thought about his c*ck? Oh no... There's no way she could answer this to make things better. Link to post Share on other sites
Scrivdog Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Oh no... There's no way she could answer this to make things better. Doesn't matter. It's a legit question. Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Doesn't matter. It's a legit question. Disagree... There is no way she is going to be able to answer a question like that and is Whoa projecting more pain into the situation. It is also something a guy would do more than a girl... 2 Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Disagree... It is also something a guy would do more than a girl... I don't agree with you, CarrieT. But, know every woman's different. Link to post Share on other sites
Owl Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 I'm curious...what are the two of you DOING at this point to try to reconcile/rebuild the marriage? Marriage counseling? Done any reading of some of the books out there to help you sort through this? Individual counseling? There's enough anger here...justified or unjustified...that I don't see any chance of this working out without some kind of outside help. Which is ok...whether or not anyone chooses to reconcile doesn't matter to me. I'm just pointing out that reconciliation is impossible in this kind of circumstance without some kind of neutral ground to work through the issues safely. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
ChooseTruth Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Here, I have a question. Can I ask a question, honey? Since D-Day being what D-Day is, your husband has very tarnished memories of his affair as being the source of your pain and a symbol of my failure as a husband. But you suffered none of that for several years. Your memories of your affair were a sweet secret you shared with him. So my question is, how many times did you jill yourself off while you thought about his c*ck? Normally I'm on the BS's side, but I'm guessing you don't really care about the answer to the above question. Speaking like that to your wife is only going to make things worse, even if you divorce. Your relationship is not going to end if you have kids... Link to post Share on other sites
Scrivdog Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Normally I'm on the BS's side, but I'm guessing you don't really care about the answer to the above question. Speaking like that to your wife is only going to make things worse, even if you divorce. Your relationship is not going to end if you have kids...The man is pissed off about thinking he was the default choice. Right now, it looks like he was a safety vest for WC as she ventured out in uncharted waters. Seeing how he's stated again, and again that this is his main problem - I'd say that's his main problem. Reconciliation rests on her capacity to put his mind at ease on this one. Don't know if it's even possible, to be honest. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 (edited) Disagree... There is no way she is going to be able to answer a question like that and is Whoa projecting more pain into the situation. It is also something a guy would do more than a girl... As a guy I have to agree here on this very specific question and anger outburst. Has he ever thought about his affair partner in a sexual way - maybe j'ed off, or something to that gal? It would be normal if he did.....i suspect many a married man has tossed off to some old GF once or twice……and SO not the issue that he is really angry about. Also while there is so much wrong with his wife's character - punishing him for his affair, not being giving (oral or otherwise) like she was with OM, lying, hiding, staying with OM till he dumped her.... .... I do think perhaps there is one point to consider. If she really thought he was number #2 or 3 or 4.... Not even measuring up to her sexual or man needs - why did she stay married ....or not have even more affairs? My experience is that with a woman, married, even an average looking one - there are so many more opportunities to cheat, they either get propositioned over the years by men who don't care their married... or all they need to do is indicate they have an interest in a man - and they can get all the sex/affairs they want. A lot harder for a married man to do. So I guess what I am saying if the hypothesis is that she did it once with an better man ...."because Isaywhoa is not her cup of tea"", why did she not have more affairs with "alphas" or just leave him? Maybe...just maybe with therapy on his affair, he did become the man for her??...... But I digress ...because for sure she was not the woman for him afterwards.So many choices and actions she could have made (even if she still hid her affair) for the last 7 years ...that would be making this discovery right now so much easier. Instead she went passive and made him work for HER needs and preferences. Edited July 22, 2013 by dichotomy Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 22, 2013 Share Posted July 22, 2013 Okay folks, ISay is definitely on the coaster that this point. I can probably assume that HB is over. I wouldn't make any rash decisions until you two get into counseling. Either Individual or Marriage. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 No to the gender bias. Women have these kind of mental fantasies A LOT more frequently then men do DURING the sex act. And this is your opinion as a woman?!?!? Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 It is also something a guy would do more than a girl... And this is your opinion as a man?!?!? Link to post Share on other sites
BHsigh Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 I can support this a bit, my W was always outspoken about her fantasies, mental and otherwise, and hers far outnumbered mine. Take that as you will I suppose, everyone is different. Link to post Share on other sites
LivingWaterPlease Posted July 23, 2013 Share Posted July 23, 2013 No to the gender bias. Women have these kind of mental fantasies A LOT more frequently then men do DURING the sex act. As a woman, I agree. Link to post Share on other sites
Recommended Posts