Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[Owl]

It's clearly a lost cause unless the husband is willing to accept remaining married to someone like that who probably lacks very much capacity to ever change it. It's like being married to a handicapped person only the handicap is the lack of character on the inside rather than anything physical on the outside.

 

That's up to ISW to decide.

 

Whether or not there's enough truth in her words, enough remorse in her heart to consider reconciliation.

 

If he chooses to try to reconcile, the only way that MIGHT work is if they get counseling.

 

If he chooses not to reconcile, there's probably much less need for counseling.

 

The choice is his...not ours.

[beatcuff]

... I know that my wife didn't end the affair with this guy because of anything having to do with me. It ended when he said it ended!...

The state of my marriage was up to some sh*thead I don't even know. You know what? I'm done. Who am I kidding? There's no way to fix this. None. Nada.

 

decisions made with emotion are almost never good ones. step back from edge. count to 100,321 and then revisit, and if you are still angry do it again.

 

BTW although this is a very lengthy thread it is very obvious several posters have not read it (understandable) --- even the prior OP posts (this is not).

 

the OP is not clean. he did not break off his A until W found out.

 

they have 2 older children (one a teen - never stated but I assume still at home).

 

and in earlier posts some of his actions were boarder line cruel. lately OP appeared to be calm.

 

OP needs IC. at the very least for his children. W maybe a [use any comment here] wife but she is still their mother and will be.

[Owl]

decisions made with emotion are almost never good ones. step back from edge. count to 100,321 and then revisit, and if you are still angry do it again.

 

BTW although this is a very lengthy thread it is very obvious several posters have not read it (understandable) --- even the prior OP posts (this is not).

 

the OP is not clean. he did not break off his A until W found out.

 

they have 2 older children (one a teen - never stated but I assume still at home).

 

and in earlier posts some of his actions were boarder line cruel. lately OP appeared to be calm.

 

OP needs IC. at the very least for his children. W maybe a [use any comment here] wife but she is still their mother and will be.

 

I think this is quite relevent.

 

ISW got caught in his affair, and ended it only once caught. I get that he's angry that he feels like he was held to a different standard than she was because she dogged him for his affair...but that's also kind of nonsense, given how he's now treating her.

 

At this point...I'd say that they both treated each other like shyte as a result of their respective affairs.

 

He's on no higher a pedestal than she is. And it would do him some good to step back and realize that. His anger at her seems to me pretty high over the top for someone who's committed the same crime, and likely would have continued his own lie about the affair had he not been caught.

 

He didn't confess until caught. Neither did she.

 

 

There ya go. Either decide you can reconcile, or not. But recognize that there's not "better than the other" in this story.

[Scrivdog]

I think this is quite relevent.

 

ISW got caught in his affair, and ended it only once caught. I get that he's angry that he feels like he was held to a different standard than she was because she dogged him for his affair...but that's also kind of nonsense, given how he's now treating her.

 

At this point...I'd say that they both treated each other like shyte as a result of their respective affairs.

 

He's on no higher a pedestal than she is. And it would do him some good to step back and realize that. His anger at her seems to me pretty high over the top for someone who's committed the same crime, and likely would have continued his own lie about the affair had he not been caught.

 

He didn't confess until caught. Neither did she.

 

 

There ya go. Either decide you can reconcile, or not. But recognize that there's not "better than the other" in this story.

 

Looks to me like some of you people need reading glasses. His affair ended when he got caught. he made a choice to stay with his wife instead of chasing the OW. His wife's affair ended when she got dumped. See the difference? That's been his issue from day 1 - like he's repeated from day 1. Besides - I'm willing to bet good money he got treated just as badly if not worse after she discovered his affair.

[Owl]

Looks to me like some of you people need reading glasses. His affair ended when he got caught. he made a choice to stay with his wife instead of chasing the OW. His wife's affair ended when she got dumped. See the difference? That's been his issue from day 1 - like he's repeated from day 1. Besides - I'm willing to bet good money he got treated just as badly if not worse after she discovered his affair.

 

Save the insults...not impressed. I read quite well.

 

He got caught.

 

She got caught.

 

Both treated each other like shyte.

 

Isn't that what I just said?

 

Treating each other like shyte isn't going to 'fix' anything. At this point, they need to either quit treating each other like shyte and address the problems...or end the marriage.

 

Hope that clears it up a bit.

[Scrivdog]

Save the insults...not impressed. I read quite well.

 

He got caught.

 

She got caught.

 

Both treated each other like shyte.

 

Isn't that what I just said?

 

Treating each other like shyte isn't going to 'fix' anything. At this point, they need to either quit treating each other like shyte and address the problems...or end the marriage.

 

Hope that clears it up a bit.

 

I see, so you're one to say "Get over it already". Give the guy his rollercoaster ride - he gets to have one, wouldn't you say?

[LivingWaterPlease]

I think this is quite relevent.

 

He's on no higher a pedestal than she is. And it would do him some good to step back and realize that. His anger at her seems to me pretty high over the top for someone who's committed the same crime, and likely would have continued his own lie about the affair had he not been caught.

 

He didn't confess until caught. Neither did she.

 

 

There ya go. Either decide you can reconcile, or not. But recognize that there's not "better than the other" in this story.

 

I disagree given that there are at least two things she did to him that he didn't do to her.

 

1. For years she gave him a really rough time about his affair, all the while being guilty of the same thing.[/i] This adds a whole new element to the situation. For some reason it seems she holds herself to an entirely different standard than she does him. Deceitful and selfish in the extreme.

 

2. She refused to favor him with at least one specific sex act that is considered, I would think, fairly routine for most couples. And she had done this sex act for the OM.

 

She has issues way beyond the fact that she had an affair while married. It will take her years to change even if she is highly motivated.

[Owl]

I disagree given that there are at least two things she did to him that he didn't do to her.

 

1. For years she gave him a really rough time about his affair, all the while being guilty of the same thing.[/i] This adds a whole new element to the situation. For some reason it seems she holds herself to an entirely different standard than she does him. Deceitful and selfish in the extreme.

 

2. She refused to favor him with at least one specific sex act that is considered, I would think, fairly routine for most couples. And she had done this sex act for the OM.

 

She has issues way beyond the fact that she had an affair while married. It will take her years to change even if she is highly motivated.

 

1. So this now entitles him to treat her the same way for the same length of time? Or did we learn in our youth that reciprocating bad behavior was still as "wrong" as the original iteration of it?

 

2. I can totally understand why he'd be hurt and angry by this, don't take me wrong. I think any person dealt the same way would be hurt and angry. But he's faced with the choice, right now, to either work to FIX the situation, or end it. That's what he needs to be focusing on, rather than trying to hurt her as much as she hurt him. Especially since...from my viewpoint...he's already hurt her with his own affair in the past as well. He's no better in that regard than she is...it's the same hurtful action.

 

What, specifically, are these issues that she still has...what, specifically, is it that she needs to change.........that you know for a fact, beyond a shadow of a doubt she's NOT changed in the 20 YEARS they've been together since she committed these acts for OM???

[Owl]

I see, so you're one to say "Get over it already". Give the guy his rollercoaster ride - he gets to have one, wouldn't you say?

 

Nope.

 

I didn't "get over" my wife's affair overnight, nor do I expect OP to do so.

 

But...I do expect him to DEAL with the situation....just as I did.

 

And that starts with making a choice about what he wants to do at this point.

 

Even while on my own rollercoaster ride, I never saw anything worthwhile in treating my wife like shyte. I'd either decide to stay or go...but needlessly insulting and attacking her verbally would get me NOTHING regardless of the direction I chose.

[Scrivdog]

Nope.

 

I didn't "get over" my wife's affair overnight, nor do I expect OP to do so.

 

But...I do expect him to DEAL with the situation....just as I did.

 

And that starts with making a choice about what he wants to do at this point.

 

Even while on my own rollercoaster ride, I never saw anything worthwhile in treating my wife like shyte. I'd either decide to stay or go...but needlessly insulting and attacking her verbally would get me NOTHING regardless of the direction I chose.

 

Unless you have to deal with the idea that your wife stayed with you by default as opposed to desire for you AND that she pleasured the OM in ways she wouldn't with you - then you're playing in the junior leagues compared to this guy.

[Owl]

Unless you have to deal with the idea that your wife stayed with you by default as opposed to desire for you AND that she pleasured the OM in ways she wouldn't with you - then you're playing in the junior leagues compared to this guy.

 

Ahhh....I get it. So now your goal is to minimize my advice because I can't possibly understand his situation.

 

I will post what I'll post. Feel free to disagree.

[Scrivdog]

Ahhh....I get it. So now your goal is to minimize my advice because I can't possibly understand his situation.

 

I will post what I'll post. Feel free to disagree.

 

No, hey don't get me wrong. We're all happy you're posting, I'm sure. ISayWhoa can use all the POVs here. No need to get all thin-skinned now, Yoda.

[beatcuff]

Looks to me like some of you people need reading glasses. His affair ended when he got caught. he made a choice to stay with his wife instead of chasing the OW. His wife's affair ended when she got dumped. See the difference? That's been his issue from day 1 - like he's repeated from day 1. Besides - I'm willing to bet good money he got treated just as badly if not worse after she discovered his affair.

 

and how did he get caught --- when the OW confronted W. it was inferred OW had enough with the A. while W A ended quietly without notice. that make neither better just lets not gloss over the facts.

 

can we examine this notion of 'second' ---

 

i am certain there are a few exceptions but --- are we all not second: first kiss, first love, first f**k: do not each of these hold almost revered places in our mind and they not with our current S. indeed have many been so cleansed that the reality is far from the truth?

 

going further --- there are tens of millions of persons in this world that are within the proper gender, age, health from each of us to pick from. are we that good to find the right person down the street or the next town or even the same region. seriously.

 

the OP is not 'upset' about being second: his ego took a hit because he thought he was the ONLY (i believe that so because of his violent/rage filled overtones of some of his messages). and if that is the case that does hurt but it can be overcome.

 

it has to be addressed, or will the OP go to the dating world eliminating all that are the dumpee in fear they are holding the torch for another.

[BHsigh]

can we examine this notion of 'second' ---

 

i am certain there are a few exceptions but --- are we all not second: first kiss, first love, first f**k: do not each of these hold almost revered places in our mind and they not with our current S. indeed have many been so cleansed that the reality is far from the truth?

 

going further --- there are tens of millions of persons in this world that are within the proper gender, age, health from each of us to pick from. are we that good to find the right person down the street or the next town or even the same region. seriously.

 

the OP is not 'upset' about being second: his ego took a hit because he thought he was the ONLY (i believe that so because of his violent/rage filled overtones of some of his messages). and if that is the case that does hurt but it can be overcome.

 

it has to be addressed, or will the OP go to the dating world eliminating all that are the dumpee in fear they are holding the torch for another.

 

There is a major difference between someone that was "dumped" and not happy about it, but have managed to get out into the dating scene again in an attempt to get over their ex and your spouse having an A and putting their AP as number 1 above and beyond you.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not a car, you don't get to go test drive another car and then come back to me when the shiny new car show's its rust spots and breaks down, leaving you on the side of the road alone.

[beatcuff]

There is a major difference between someone that was "dumped" and not happy about it, but have managed to get out into the dating scene again in an attempt to get over their ex and your spouse having an A and putting their AP as number 1 above and beyond you.......

 

????? you had to misread my post.

 

OP is upset that the OM in her A broke if off, it was not her. OP feels he will always be #2 in her mind - even after 7 years of no contact OR that a person (W) could never move on.

 

therefore using the same logic that would dictate that ANY person that is dumped would be 'damaged'. so any new person they met would be #2.

 

I'm sorry, but I'm not a car, you don't get to go test drive another car and then come back to me when the shiny new car show's its rust spots and breaks down, leaving you on the side of the road alone.

 

so reconciliation is never possible?

[2sunny]

OP, if you're done with the M - my hope is that you're not engaging in angry sex to punish her further.

[janedoe67]

[quoteOP is upset that the OM in her A broke if off, it was not her. OP feels he will always be #2 in her mind - even after 7 years of no contact OR that a person (W) could never move on.

 

therefore using the same logic that would dictate that ANY person that is dumped would be 'damaged'. so any new person they met would be #2.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by BHsigh

I'm sorry, but I'm not a car, you don't get to go test drive another car and then come back to me when the shiny new car show's its rust spots and breaks down, leaving you on the side of the road alone.

 

so reconciliation is never possible? ]

 

I am wondering about this too. Is it not possible that thought WC was dumped 7 years ago she NOW DOES consider her H number 1?

 

Or is it that once someone has cheated, they are basically unredeemable and that is that. because of that is that then there is no hope for ISay or WC because they are both unredeemable.

 

I think it is important that people not project their...dissatisfaction with their own situations onto every scenario.

[drifter777]

It looks like OP is gone.

[BHsigh]

????? you had to misread my post.

 

OP is upset that the OM in her A broke if off, it was not her. OP feels he will always be #2 in her mind - even after 7 years of no contact OR that a person (W) could never move on.

 

therefore using the same logic that would dictate that ANY person that is dumped would be 'damaged'. so any new person they met would be #2.

 

 

 

so reconciliation is never possible?

 

No, I dont think that reconciliation is impossible, particularly when the ws is the one that ends the A, I apologize if I made it sound that way.

 

I do think that once someone crosses the line and has an A, that they will always be a risk and will need to set and enforce personal boundaries, and when that A crosses a line into "love and hopes and dreams" with their AP, then that is an even bigger risk for the BS to consider. I'm not sure where WC fits in there, that's up to them to decide/prove.

 

But there is a huge difference between being "dumped" and starting to date again and being dumped by an AP and going back to your spouse, pretending that nothing happened. But not everything is black and white, it really depends on the situation.

 

I basically didn't agree with your anology is all, they are two completely different situations.

[BHsigh]

[quoteOP is upset that the OM in her A broke if off, it was not her. OP feels he will always be #2 in her mind - even after 7 years of no contact OR that a person (W) could never move on.

 

therefore using the same logic that would dictate that ANY person that is dumped would be 'damaged'. so any new person they met would be #2.

 

Quote:

Originally Posted by BHsigh

I'm sorry, but I'm not a car, you don't get to go test drive anothuer car and then come back to me when the shiny new car show's its rust spots and breaks down, leaving you on the side of the road alone.

 

so reconciliation is never possible? ]

 

I am wondering about this too. Is it not possible that thought WC was dumped 7 years ago she NOW DOES consider her H number 1?

 

Or is it that once someone has cheated, they are basically unredeemable and that is that. because of that is that then there is no hope for ISay or WC because they are both unredeemable.

 

I think it is important that people not project their...dissatisfaction with their own situations onto every scenario.

 

I do try not to project onto every scenario, but we can really only judge based on experience. In my case, I have been in R now for 5 months, I found evidence and confronted for the third time and finally got an admission 1 year and 3 months ago, they had planned on her getting her own place and him moving in with her if he wanted to, he was definitely her #1.

 

To this day I still struggle with being her 2nd choice, her fall back guy, and the fact that we are only together now because AP dumped her, three times in all, but she kept chasing him. And frankly, I find it slightly offensive to compare going through this to any of her relationships before we met.

 

But, like I said, I don't really know what went through WC's head, she may have realized right away that ISW is really her #1, but he has every right to feel like she made him feel.

[ISayWhoa]

I am wondering about this too. Is it not possible that thought WC was dumped 7 years ago she NOW DOES consider her H number 1?

 

Or is it that once someone has cheated, they are basically unredeemable and that is that. because of that is that then there is no hope for ISay or WC because they are both unredeemable.

 

I think it is important that people not project their...dissatisfaction with their own situations onto every scenario.

I do try not to project onto every scenario, but we can really only judge based on experience. In my case, I have been in R now for 5 months, I found evidence and confronted for the third time and finally got an admission 1 year and 3 months ago, they had planned on her getting her own place and him moving in with her if he wanted to, he was definitely her #1.

 

To this day I still struggle with being her 2nd choice, her fall back guy, and the fact that we are only together now because AP dumped her, three times in all, but she kept chasing him. And frankly, I find it slightly offensive to compare going through this to any of her relationships before we met.

 

But, like I said, I don't really know what went through WC's head, she may have realized right away that ISW is really her #1, but he has every right to feel like she made him feel.

Thanks for your insight. I believe you might be, through you experience, the one who can best understand my issue. I'm trying to get to your story, but I seem not to be able to get to it for whatever reason.

[2sunny]

Because she with held her truth for so long - and didn't offer the info when given the opportunity - it does appear that it's possible and will always be a thought in the back of his mind - if he was her second choice.

 

It may have been different if she had offered the info at the time his issue was revealed.

 

But the secrets she kept make it appear that it's possible he wasn't her #1 choice - just her backup plan because OM dumped her.

 

Coupled with the evidence that she didn't do everything in her power to be honest AND make OP her top priority with reassuring him the M was on track (instead she punished him while he was repairing the damage he caused) - makes it appear that she pulled the will over his eyes.

 

When in a M - and a spouse makes you feel duped - and like a fool - its hard to go backwards to believing that THAT spouse can make you trust them by feeling safe and protected.

[nevergoingback]

I have read this two times and feel I needed to share. I have been married 19 years. We recently had a heart to heart we have been excisting in a unhappy marraige staying together for the kids and the hope things would get better. My youngest graduted and that brought things to a head. In our chat we both decided to make things work or call it good first thing to start fresh was confessional to each other. My wife admitted to cheating with her bestfriend and her boyfriend after four years of marriage. It was a double gotcha to me as before we were married she knew this was a fantasy of mine that she refused ands I accepted. I then admitted to a one night affair/fling with the mother of my oldest son 11 years in to marriage . Long story short we decided we did love each other but were not receiving what we needed . We did not feel the other truly loved the other. During research including marraige counseling, I discovered a book by a longtime marriage councillor.I rented the audio book online through my local library. It was eye opening we both felt stupid after listening to it the five love languages has changed our marraige. Most couples love their partner the way they want to be loved not the way their partner needs to be loved. I feel the way I did when we first got together my wife is sexually aggresive because she wants to show me love and has awoken her passion because I now speak her language. I suggest taking the love language test then read or listen to the book to understand yourself more and your spouse fix the cause and the problem can't excist. Good luck love forgive love

[BHsigh]

Thanks for your insight. I believe you might be, through you experience, the one who can best understand my issue. I'm trying to get to your story, but I seem not to be able to get to it for whatever reason.

 

I'm sorry, but I've never posted my story on this forum, I posted it on another forum but recently moved over here because the other forum is blocked at my work.

 

If I could PM I would send you a link, I do know that a few people on here also go to the other site, perhaps they can send you a link there.

[BHsigh]

Because she with held her truth for so long - and didn't offer the info when given the opportunity - it does appear that it's possible and will always be a thought in the back of his mind - if he was her second choice.

 

It may have been different if she had offered the info at the time his issue was revealed.

 

But the secrets she kept make it appear that it's possible he wasn't her #1 choice - just her backup plan because OM dumped her.

 

Coupled with the evidence that she didn't do everything in her power to be honest AND make OP her top priority with reassuring him the M was on track (instead she punished him while he was repairing the damage he caused) - makes it appear that she pulled the will over his eyes.

 

When in a M - and a spouse makes you feel duped - and like a fool - its hard to go backwards to believing that THAT spouse can make you trust them by feeling safe and protected.

 

Exactly, and that is one of the biggest reasons for a WS to confess to the BP.

 

My WW told me that she did plan on leaving me and moving out (with POSOM if he wanted to go), but after he dumped her for the last time and wouldn't take her back she was going to suck it up and stay with me until she finished college, and then leave me.

 

This supposedly all changed after I finally found enough evidence to force an admission about her A and then a couple of months later her sexting A, after all of that, kicking her out and pretty much treating her like she didn't matter anymore she decided that she did want me.

 

Heh, it's tough to believe that I will ever get over being #2.