Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[JustAReformedGirl]

ISayWhoa will decide for himself. I advised (as others have) that he takes the necessary time to mull things over. The logic behind it is sound; if he rushes a decision-either to divorce, or to reconcile-he may very well find himself opting for the opposite. He needs time to assess his entire life with this woman-the good, and the bad.

 

Is it worth saving? Who knows? Only he can decide. Do I think she deserves another chance? Not really, and this is coming from a WS. But, it's up to him. All we can hope is that he makes the choice that makes him happiest in the long run.

[Chi townD]

Thats all true. We're not standing in the man's shoes. But there's nothing wrong with offering some perspective. A man in his state can't always be sure he's thinking straight, so if you want to help, you let him know when he's messing up or if he's not.

 

 

And I believe that, this is what everyone is doing. For example, your stance is for him to get a divorce. Fine. You gave him a path to explore.

 

My feelings are he shouldn't make any spur of the moment decisions on what to do until things settle down a bit and things aren't so raw. That's just my opinion. Nothing more.

 

But, it does give him something to think about.

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

No, I haven't seen her since a few days ago. I called her a couple of times to be sure all is ok. One of her friends called me and asked me if she could drop by to talk about this. I suspect she was mainly trying to find out where I was staying since I didn't tell my wife.

 

I'm assuming that deep down you want to reconcile, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. I do understand that you only want to reconcile on YOUR terms and that you are not willing to reconcile unless your wife can convince you that it is YOU that she loves mind, body, heart, and soul. Unfortunately, you don't have enough information to make a good decision and you're not likely to get it just doing what you're doing.

 

I know you have the keylogger, which is good, and already has given you some insight into where your wife stands. Now that you know she's confiding in friends, it might be a good idea to get a couple of voice-activated recorders for her car and your house. More information will allow you to make a better decision.

 

Did you post that she had agreed to tell her friends about her adultery? If so, has she taken care of that yet? Or is she waiting to do it in front of you? In any event, ask her come clean to anyone who she told about your affair, and ask her do it in front of you.

 

Tell her that in order to reconcile, in light of her 7-year-lie, compounded by the trickle truth and continued lying since you found out, that you need to know that she is finally being honest with you now. Tell her you want her to take a polygraph to help you re-establish trust that she actually finally is being honest. Assuming she will agree, set up the polygraph. Tell her you plan to ask her if she has had any other affairs and about the details of her affair with personal trainer man.

 

Tell her that you've read all the emails, tell her that it is obvious to you that she gave herself to the other man mind, body, heart, and soul, and ask her why should you stay with her knowing that you were her second choice, that the only reason she stayed with you is because either he dumped her or he was not a viable option financially or didn't want to ruin her reputation by being known as a cheater?

 

If you've rented the room for the week, stay for at least the week. Use the time to reflect on just what happened in your marriage and what you want your marriage to be like if you try to reconcile.

[ISayWhoa]

I'm assuming that deep down you want to reconcile, otherwise you wouldn't be posting here. I do understand that you only want to reconcile on YOUR terms and that you are not willing to reconcile unless your wife can convince you that it is YOU that she loves mind, body, heart, and soul. Unfortunately, you don't have enough information to make a good decision and you're not likely to get it just doing what you're doing.

 

I know you have the keylogger, which is good, and already has given you some insight into where your wife stands. Now that you know she's confiding in friends, it might be a good idea to get a couple of voice-activated recorders for her car and your house. More information will allow you to make a better decision.

 

Did you post that she had agreed to tell her friends about her adultery? If so, has she taken care of that yet? Or is she waiting to do it in front of you? In any event, ask her come clean to anyone who she told about your affair, and ask her do it in front of you.

 

Tell her that in order to reconcile, in light of her 7-year-lie, compounded by the trickle truth and continued lying since you found out, that you need to know that she is finally being honest with you now. Tell her you want her to take a polygraph to help you re-establish trust that she actually finally is being honest. Assuming she will agree, set up the polygraph. Tell her you plan to ask her if she has had any other affairs and about the details of her affair with personal trainer man.

 

Tell her that you've read all the emails, tell her that it is obvious to you that she gave herself to the other man mind, body, heart, and soul, and ask her why should you stay with her knowing that you were her second choice, that the only reason she stayed with you is because either he dumped her or he was not a viable option financially or didn't want to ruin her reputation by being known as a cheater?

 

If you've rented the room for the week, stay for at least the week. Use the time to reflect on just what happened in your marriage and what you want your marriage to be like if you try to reconcile.

Actually, it's the opposite. I'm really leaning towards a divorce, but I want to make sure I don't act on it too quickly where I'll have regrets later.

[beach]

Actually, it's the opposite. I'm really leaning towards a divorce, but I want to make sure I don't act on it too quickly where I'll have regrets later.

 

Dude - there's always regrets when you get divorced - there just is.

 

But - for me- I gave it my all... And he still didn't appreciate it then. He does now - but I'm not willing to go backwards and hand him MY peace of mind any longer.

 

I love the man I THOUGHT he was - but in the end - he wasn't THAT man.

 

So I loved MY illusion of him - and that just wasn't enough for me to stay for another 20 years.

 

I found new ways to be happy - and it took adjustments - but it's really been a worthwhile journey.

 

I hope you can decide what's best for you... Your future.

[ISayWhoa]

Oh wow .. she posted her story on another site. Unbelievable. Some of it was true but boy did she omit some key facts. This is amazing. I don't want to out myself nor do I want to get in trouble with this board by posting the link. This blows my mind.

[beach]

Oh wow .. she posted her story on another site. Unbelievable. Some of it was true but boy did she omit some key facts. This is amazing. I don't want to out myself nor do I want to get in trouble with this board by posting the link. This blows my mind.

 

I want to read her story.

 

Did she take responsibility for how she participated?

 

I'm wondering what she picked for her screen name and what she titled her thread - some times it tells what a person is feeling.

Edited July 9, 2013 by beach

[ISayWhoa]

I want to read her story.

 

Did she take responsibility for how she participated?

 

I'm wondering what she picked for her screen name and what she titled her thread - some times it tells what a person is feeling.

Well, she takes some responsibility for the affair, but treats like like something that "just happened". She doesn't say a word about the sexual stuff, and she does admit that she fell in love with the guy. One thing I didn't know, he had sex with her a couple of times after he got his girlfriend.

 

She didn't even mention the part about how she raked me over the grill for 2 years, but it looks like the other posters there figured it out on their own. She sure isn't getting any sympathy, though. No mention of bull****ting her way thorugh counseling.

[Chi townD]

Got me worried. If she's looking to tell her story on the net, I'm surprised she didn't find you here.

[janedoe67]

I would be tempted to post there and set the record straight. Of course, depending on the site, if you mention YOUR affair then that will become the focus. Either way, it is hard to sit and read that knowing that people aren't getting the whole story - ouch.

 

BTW, considering all the crap you have been through you seem to be doing fine to me, including taking the break. You situation is a lot for someone to take in and NOT need some space to get your bearings IMO.

[beatcuff]

 

...

I know you have the keylogger, which is good, and already has given you some insight into where your wife stands. Now that you know she's confiding in friends, it might be a good idea to get a couple of voice-activated recorders for her car and your house. More information will allow you to make a better decision.

 

...

 

OP if you are seriously considering D do NOT follow this advice. AND remove the keylogger ASAP. There are wiretapping/stalking laws that maybe violated. An experienced Atty will ask if you did any of these during Depositions. we know her Atty will make her A because of what you did.

 

you should meet her friend. then a couple of days later with her in public say a local coffee house with a time limit.

 

ask them the questions you are asking us. don't argue, ask then shut up and listen. use the silence technique (people hate dead air, so they tend to fill it - going off script).

 

W appears to be making the steps to make it right. i wonder if the sex was so dull / she was beating you up because of her guilt in what she did to you (another question to ask).

 

BTW do not get too excited about your night out, it was a new experience that will lose its shine over time.

[ISayWhoa]

Got me worried. If she's looking to tell her story on the net, I'm surprised she didn't find you here.

That's exactly what I was worried about.

[aliveagain]

7 years later and she still chooses to protect herself and her OM by not giving all the truth. When she holds back information by minimizing, omission of details(like banging him after he is in a relationship), blame shifting, it's still lying. Trickle truth will kill your relationship more then the nasty deeds they did. There is only one way to save a marriage devastated by infidelity and that is by giving all the truth regardless of how much it hurts or how badly it makes you look. You can't decide for the marriage or against it until you have all the pieces of the puzzle. You should never decide the future of your marriage, family in anger, take your time, consider everything before you give it the final blow. Every time I read a statement from a Wayward about how they didn't want to hurt their spouse anymore by withholding some of the nastiest stuff from them, stuff they refused to do in their marriage but did freely with the affair partner, I just want to scream at them that they deserve what they get for being so stupid. Your doing the right thing by taking time away from her to cool down and look at the whole marriage considering your booth different people now. Your feelings for each other most likely have also changed. She may have thought that she was in love with OM, most deep in the affair fog do, all that soul mate crap. She may feel different now, I would be willing to bet she would drop him in an instant to save your relationship now had the affair continued. Some of us won't stay with any kind of infidelity, that's your decision to make, take your time.

[ISayWhoa]

Ok so she volunteered that she engaged in sexual act(s) (yes plural) with him that she wouldn't do with me. She didn't say what they were they were, but I can imagine. She doesn't know how much or how little I know about that because she doesn't have the emails. I'm hoping that somebody asks. Maybe I'll have to go undercover and ask as an anonymous user. I guess she recognizes that this is a major issue. So do some of the other posters there. They're being so hard on her, I'm afraid she's going to bail out of that board.

[JustAReformedGirl]

So she created a thread about it on another site? And naturally, she left out stuff; why wouldn't she? She needs to play the part of the martyr. By the sound of it though, it backfired. Chances are, they can see through her bullsh*t, too.

 

I'm confused about something, OP. If you're away, how do you know she went to another site to talk about this? Can you access the information on her computer even without touching it? Does the key logger send information to your computer, from hers? Just curious.

 

How are things coming along on your decision-making process?

 

Ok so she volunteered that she engaged in sexual act(s) (yes plural) with him that she wouldn't do with me. She didn't say what they were they were, but I can imagine. She doesn't know how much or how little I know about that because she doesn't have the emails. I'm hoping that somebody asks. Maybe I'll have to go undercover and ask as an anonymous user. I guess she recognizes that this is a major issue. So do some of the other posters there. They're being so hard on her, I'm afraid she's going to bail out of that board.

 

 

You should do it. Find out what you can, before she does. Be stealthy, though; if you're too forward in your asking, she may become suspicious.

Edited July 9, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
Merge

[dichotomy]

Well, she takes some responsibility for the affair, but treats like like something that "just happened". She doesn't say a word about the sexual stuff, and she does admit that she fell in love with the guy. One thing I didn't know, he had sex with her a couple of times after he got his girlfriend.

 

She didn't even mention the part about how she raked me over the grill for 2 years, but it looks like the other posters there figured it out on their own. She sure isn't getting any sympathy, though. No mention of bull****ting her way thorugh counseling.

 

I suppose you could create a fake profile there, even represent yourself as "a wayward spouse like her" who had to face her own lies- then begin to ask her questions you might like to see her try to explain....and give her some advice on what she needs to do... might be fun.

[dichotomy]

Kind of a computer tech point here thats been on my mind since reading your posts. I am no computer expert, but farily competent around tech. Most emails. messages are not stored on a local computer, they exist within the remote server/account. You need to log into those accounts to get the information. Examples would include google mail, facebook, etc.... I assume with the keylogger you have her password (or passwords if she is smart enough to have mutliple ones) she uses - and could now get into her remote server accounts.

 

You previously said you had got the emails via a recovery of her computer. That would assume she had an local email program which pulled the emails off the remote server and stored them locally. However they might also still exist on the remote message server as well, assuming the mail program was not set to delete remote sever emails after downloading them..

 

Anyway......at somepoint you need to figure you got enough information. I suspect like many a BS you wish to know it all, and the WS is not going to give it up. In anycase, you will need to simply drop the spying sometime soon as I am not sure what more information could change your feelings or mind at this point.

 

Which I suppose is the bigger question - is there anything she could do or say or change that would make you stay married? Complete confession to all, shame, and regret? Amazing sex (BJ's and whatever) regularly for you? Anything?

Edited July 9, 2013 by dichotomy

[Chi townD]

Ah, must be MB, then!

 

If you do sign on there, be aware that they're a suspicious lot and they'll quickly figure out who you are. E.g., they'll know you're local from your IP address.

 

So if you do sign on be ready 2 disclose that you are the H.

 

-ol' 2long

 

Sorry Rock Dude! Curiosity got the better of me and I went over to Marriage Builders and I didn't see any story that remotely close to Isay's. Unless I missed it, but I went through the last few days of threads and I didn't see it.

[ISayWhoa]

Wow, so some guy asks her how much she would be willing to actually do to keep me. And she replied that she would do any and al the sexual acts I wanted whenever I wanted and she'd be happy to do it.

 

That's almost tempting. I'm guessing that would last until about 15 minutes after I'm back in the fold.

[ISayWhoa]

Sorry Rock Dude! Curiosity got the better of me and I went over to Marriage Builders and I didn't see any story that remotely close to Isay's. Unless I missed it, but I went through the last few days of threads and I didn't see it.

Not MB,

[dichotomy]

Wow, so some guy asks her how much she would be willing to actually do to keep me. And she replied that she would do any and al the sexual acts I wanted whenever I wanted and she'd be happy to do it.

 

That's almost tempting. I'm guessing that would last until about 15 minutes after I'm back in the fold.

 

You are probably right. From what you report, she used sex (BJ) which she does not like at all - as a means to get what she wanted (OM affection and interest). This means she would use it only to get you back and in control and providing her what she wants.

 

There are many reasons for a woman (or I suppose a man) to have sex and engage certain sexual acts 1) It pleases you (your very sexual, or wish to exlpore and expereince for your own desires) 2) It pleases you to please your parter (your very loving/giving) 3) You do it to get what you want from the other (control/power).

 

However, in very rare cases, a person can learn and grow to be more sexual and giving....it is possible but rare to turn a #3 into a #2 or #1.

 

But easier to just avoid #3's.

[CarrieT]

I'm guessing that would last until about 15 minutes after I'm back in the fold.

 

Very good guess... Many, MANY spouses that have gone this route will promise the moon to get back what they have lost.

 

What they don't see is the lack of true and open reconciliation is what is most damaging.

[beach]

Are you saying that sex on a regular basis would take you back to the M?

[ISayWhoa]

Are you saying that sex on a regular basis would take you back to the M?

Well, it is certainly mighty tempting. But no, it would really take something I don't think she can possibly give me.

[aliveagain]

Being open and honest about sex is only one component that makes for a happy and successful marriage. Telling your partner what you like is one thing, them deciding to act is another. Her willingness to at least try is the key. Decide your decision to stay or leave for the right reasons. Anyone can have meaningless sex, making love with the person that is above all is an entirely different experience. We are not talking new sex because that too will fade with time. I'm talking about the bonding sex, lovemaking, the kind you can only share with someone you love. Take your time, watch her actions, words are easily said.