Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[beach]

Has she been back to your counselor yet; to hold herself accountable for what she failed to tell while in counseling?

[beach]

Manipulating with sex is not an indicator of reconciling.

 

It's just a cover up and a way of avoiding the real issues.

[beach]

And what's your plan?

[ISayWhoa]

And what's your plan?

I'm giving myself til Friday. One thought is to have a month or two of this endless sexual marathon she thinks she wants to have with me. I know it sounds mean and you all are going to scream at me, but I think I'd like to get back a little of what I lost in the past 8 years. Maybe I'll see how it goes from there.

[beach]

Even though they were hitting her hard... She still didn't get to the meat of her issues.

 

I think it's possible she's had more affairs - it's just that she never intends to have you find out.

 

When it takes PULLING her truth out of her - it's difficult to trust that she's been honest - and that she's capable of getting/being honest moving forward.

[beach]

I'm giving myself til Friday. One thought is to have a month or two of this endless sexual marathon she thinks she wants to have with me. I know it sounds mean and you all are going to scream at me, but I think I'd like to get back a little of what I lost in the past 8 years. Maybe I'll see how it goes from there.

 

That's a cruel and terrible way to go about ending it.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'm giving myself til Friday. One thought is to have a month or two of this endless sexual marathon she thinks she wants to have with me. I know it sounds mean and you all are going to scream at me, but I think I'd like to get back a little of what I lost in the past 8 years. Maybe I'll see how it goes from there.

 

Is it not possible that may backfire, on the emotional front? I don't mean in regards to her, but in regards to you. If you allow yourself that level of intimacy with her, for that long...might that not affect your decision?

 

She may hurt from it too, but frankly, I'm more worried about what it will do to you. You may think you'll be okay, just seeking sexual gratification from her, then possibly throwing her away-but you might feel more connected to her again. Which, if you both wanted to reconcile would be alright....but I don't see it going down that road.

 

Whatever you do, please be careful; you've already suffered enough-don't put yourself through more.

[ISayWhoa]

That's a cruel and terrible way to go about ending it.

Cry me a river. I got ****ty sex for years while she was probably wishing she had him in bed instead. I was beaten up for a solid 2 years and then I had to walk on eggs for the next 4-5 years. And I'M cruel? It's not even about hurting her, it's about me getting what is owed to me.

[CarrieT]

I'm giving myself til Friday. One thought is to have a month or two of this endless sexual marathon she thinks she wants to have with me. I know it sounds mean and you all are going to scream at me, but I think I'd like to get back a little of what I lost in the past 8 years. Maybe I'll see how it goes from there.

 

It is worse than that -- and, no, we won't yell at you...

 

What it will do is break down any resolve you may have towards ending your marriage because you will start re-attaching those bonds that already exist. Also, it will give her considerable hope that the marriage might be salvageable.

 

If you have ANY thought towards divorce, the worst thing you can do is continual having sexual relations with the spouse.

 

This has happened to many of us. You won't enjoy the "marathon of sex" as much as you think you will. You will not only feel guilty for using her that way (if you are the man I think you are), but you will also feel "dirty" in doing those things that she did with someone else.

 

Don't go there, my friend...

[Confused48]

Cry me a river. I got ****ty sex for years while she was probably wishing she had him in bed instead. I was beaten up for a solid 2 years and then I had to walk on eggs for the next 4-5 years. And I'M cruel? It's not even about hurting her, it's about me getting what is owed to me.

 

As long as you are honest with her that this is your rationale, I see no harm. She probably feels she owes it to you. She probably would feel better about herself even if you end up D if she gets the chance to show you what she could do for you. At least she gave it her best then, right?

 

Do be aware, as everyone else points out, that this type of thing may affect you more than you can see at this time. Great sex is a bonding experience. If you want to risk feeling renewed love and affection for her then you have no worries. Go for it.

[Pierre]

OP may or may not have a point.

 

Wild hysterical bonding happens when the wandering wife feels she is losing her marriage. Her mechanism is to save the marriage which is different from the male who wants to reclaim the wife's genitals at a subconscious level.

 

Nevertheless, I believe I read somewhere that hysterical bonding does not improve the chances of a successful reconciliation.

[beach]

So ask her permission. Be honest with her.

 

"I don't want our M to continue - but I'd like to use you and harm you and make you feel like a used, dirty rag - then toss you aside- you ok with that"?

 

 

 

 

And OWED sex? You have a ton of work to do on your perception of sex - OWED?

 

NOONE "owes sex"!!!!

 

Looking backward for revenge is much different than moving forward for a new beginning.

Edited July 10, 2013 by beach

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'm sorry OP, but I have to agree with the others; sex is not something you're owed. You are owed apologies for her deception after all these years, but not sex. Sex is not a bargaining chip; it is not something that should be used to over-power and hurt another.

 

Alright, you said it's not about hurting her, but getting what you're owed. Well, you're not owed that sex. Having sex just to throw her away afterward is cruel. I get it; she's been unfair to you, and I'm sorry she put you through all that....but really? You're going to go down that path?

 

Maybe if you wanted to reconcile it would make more sense...but you're leaning toward divorce. And as many of us have previously stated, if you engage in sexual behaviour with her, it may very well impact you emotionally. Are you so certain you'll go through with divorce at that point? If you don't, will you both work on the marriage....or will it just return to all the anger, hurt, and betrayal?

 

I implore you to think this through more clearly. You want sex? Divorce your wife, and find someone else, because getting good sex that you feel she owes you will only go so far and repairing the damage; if you have no intent of repairing anything, then all you're doing is more harm. Please, think it over.

[ISayWhoa]

I'm sorry OP, but I have to agree with the others; sex is not something you're owed. You are owed apologies for her deception after all these years, but not sex. Sex is not a bargaining chip; it is not something that should be used to over-power and hurt another.

 

Alright, you said it's not about hurting her, but getting what you're owed. Well, you're not owed that sex. Having sex just to throw her away afterward is cruel. I get it; she's been unfair to you, and I'm sorry she put you through all that....but really? You're going to go down that path?

 

Maybe if you wanted to reconcile it would make more sense...but you're leaning toward divorce. And as many of us have previously stated, if you engage in sexual behaviour with her, it may very well impact you emotionally. Are you so certain you'll go through with divorce at that point? If you don't, will you both work on the marriage....or will it just return to all the anger, hurt, and betrayal?

 

I implore you to think this through more clearly. You want sex? Divorce your wife, and find someone else, because getting good sex that you feel she owes you will only go so far and repairing the damage; if you have no intent of repairing anything, then all you're doing is more harm. Please, think it over.

Of course, I'm angry. Look at how easy it was for her to do those so very special and intimate acts with the OM? Now look how easy it is after all to do it for me! So where the f*ck was she during the past 8 years when I was sexually frustrated half the time? Why was is so hard for her to do the few things she knew I liked? I, on the other hand, did my part. Yet the OM, who had nothing to give her and who offered her little, he got what I wanted. I provided for her. I worked extra when I had to so that I could. She wanted of nothing (except of course I wasn't paying attention enough to her while I was pulling 90 hour weeks).

 

So who is going to give me those years back? Nobody, that's who! Now I don't give a rat's ass that this is somehow morally offensive to some. It is what it is. Now if she is actually willing to go all out sexually with me, then great! And let the chips fall where they may because I really won't be promising her anything.

 

Angry doesn't even begin to describe what I feel. Not even close.

Edited July 10, 2013 by ISayWhoa

[Pierre]

I'm sorry OP, but I have to agree with the others; sex is not something you're owed. You are owed apologies for her deception after all these years, but not sex. Sex is not a bargaining chip; it is not something that should be used to over-power and hurt another.

 

Alright, you said it's not about hurting her, but getting what you're owed. Well, you're not owed that sex. Having sex just to throw her away afterward is cruel. I get it; she's been unfair to you, and I'm sorry she put you through all that....but really? You're going to go down that path?

 

Maybe if you wanted to reconcile it would make more sense...but you're leaning toward divorce. And as many of us have previously stated, if you engage in sexual behaviour with her, it may very well impact you emotionally. Are you so certain you'll go through with divorce at that point? If you don't, will you both work on the marriage....or will it just return to all the anger, hurt, and betrayal?

 

I implore you to think this through more clearly. You want sex? Divorce your wife, and find someone else, because getting good sex that you feel she owes you will only go so far and repairing the damage; if you have no intent of repairing anything, then all you're doing is more harm. Please, think it over.

 

As I understand HB, the desire to have sex is very intense and will probably happen despite what OP is saying now. IN addition a couple having HB sex will do things they never did before or may revert back to the way they were at the onset of dating.

 

I think you underestimate the anger of OP.

 

 

And I will say: If OP was more angry OP would not have HB sex with WW and she would be on the curb.

 

So I cut him a bit of slack.

 

 

It is also possible the sex my be so magical that he stays married. In either way, I believe the sex will happen unless the WW is not into it.

[beach]

I understand you are angry. And you have every right to be. But taking THAT anger and putting it onto - and into - someone else - is growing very dark, negative energy bigger.

 

You can expect a back lash of that negative energy you will be fueling. You can expect to be confused and sick. Yes, negative emotions do manifest as illness.

 

And since you CHOOSE to grow negative, manipulative and vengeful energy bigger - there is a consequence to growing the negative energy bigger.

 

I wish you well - and only hope that IF you don't intend to go back and FIX the broken marriage (and YOUR resentments) - that you consider simply moving forward by not interacting at all with her - by NOT growing any MORE negative energy froma lousy situation.

 

You can choose to divorce her and not see or speak to her - or keep it to a minimum with as little engaging interaction as possible.

 

Taking your anger and throwing onto her is simply handing her all your power.

 

I'd suggest seeing a counselor to work on getting trough the anger and working towards feeling balanced and get to a place of knowing where your healthy boundary is.

 

Feeling like she OWES you good sex now - well, it's too little too late - that ship has sailed and now you want the ship to return to the dock so you can rip the ship to threads by beating it up? That's not healthy.

[dichotomy]

She probably feels she owes it to you. She probably would feel better about herself even if you end up D if she gets the chance to show you what she could do for you. At least she gave it her best then, right?

 

Do be aware, as everyone else points out, that this type of thing may affect you more than you can see at this time.

 

Suprisingly for me, I see some twisted logic in this. I respect many of the folks here saying - don't do it.... but I understand the emotion associated with this issue. I understand why you want it, and I think even if your divorce, which is likely, you both will look on this with a self serving view - "She - I gave him what he wanted so I am not at fault now - he is" and you " I got mine to be above OM, and now I am done"....not exactly healthy but.... I get you Isaywhoa. Really I do.

 

As mentioned if she does finally give you not only what she have the other(s) sexually, but perhaps MORE.... it is not out of love, or sexual desire - but to control and get what she wants. If it was out of love and sexual desire - you would have got it years earlier. I think you understand this was behind her giving BJ's to OM which she does not like - control and manipulation and esteme. I think you also probably understand if she married OM, the BJ's would have likely stopped at some point - because it was not about her ability to have joyus sex and passion for someone she loved - but about need and control.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Of course, I'm angry. Look at how easy it was for her to do those so very special and intimate acts with the OM? Now look how easy it is after all to do it for me! So where the f*ck was she during the past 8 years when I was sexually frustrated half the time? Why was is so hard for her to do the few things she knew I liked? I, on the other hand, did my part.

 

I understand; your anger, your indignation, is justified. I wasn't trying to suggest otherwise.

 

 

Yet the OM, who had nothing to give her and who offered her little, he got

what I wanted. I provided for her. I worked extra when I had to so that I could.

She wanted of nothing (except of course I wasn't paying attention enough to her

while I was pulling 90 hour weeks).

 

Again, I get it...she did wrong by you. Understatement of the year, I know. It wasn't your fault that you were working long, hard hours; you were trying to provide for your family. No one can fault you for that.

 

So who is going to give me those years back? Nobody, that's who! Now I don't

give a rat's ass that this is somehow morally offensive to some. It is what it

is.

 

Time knows no mercy; you will never get those years back-no matter how much you wish you could. I'm not morally offended by what you might do-I am simply stating there can (and likely will) be consequences that follow. I don't fault you for your anger...but what happens, later on down the road, when you look back at what you're planning on doing? What happens, then? Do you not think, given your higher moral ground, that you might be plagued by the deepest remorse-not just for hurting her-after all, she hurt you, too-but because you expect better of yourself? The choice is yours; no one can stand in your way. I am merely trying to give you perspective-not for her...for you.

 

Now if she is actually willing to go all out sexually with me, then great!

And let the chips fall where they may because I really won't be promising her

anything.

 

No, I suppose you don't owe her any promises, nor compassion. But, what do you owe yourself? That's what you need to ask; not what she owes you, but what you owe to yourself.

 

Angry doesn't even begin to describe what I feel. Not even close.

 

You have every right, as I said. You have every right to be as angry as you are...you can't change what has occurred. You can, however, shape what comes next.

 

I am sorry, if I upset you. It was not my intention. Forgive me.

[beach]

Yet IF she's NOW in a position to provide him with the sex he desired for all those years - she essentially is in the "powerful" role or position once she is providing what he wants.

 

More manipulation and control. More mind twists and power struggles.

 

In the end he may want to hurt her - but I think he will end up hurting himself more.

Edited July 10, 2013 by beach

[drifter777]

Cry me a river. I got ****ty sex for years while she was probably wishing she had him in bed instead. I was beaten up for a solid 2 years and then I had to walk on eggs for the next 4-5 years. And I'M cruel? It's not even about hurting her, it's about me getting what is owed to me.

 

What happens when your balls-deep in her and the images of her and the OM hit you? When she's giving you the kind of sex you have wanted from her because she admitted doing it with the other guy, is that going to trigger you?

 

Personally, I have no problem with the revenge aspect as she is getting what she deserves in my mind. I also understand that trying to release your anger by screwing her to death sounds like a good idea, but it is likely to backfire. You will actually be giving in to her burning desire to manipulate you with her most powerful weapon - sex. You are angry and hurting and way, way too vulnerable to the temptation to get things back to "the way they used to be". For you to continue staying away is agony for her - at least until she realizes you need time alone or gives up on your marriage. Don't go back to her until you are committed to honestly trying to reconcile. This is the only chance you are going to get to decide what you think is best for you without her powerful manipulation influencing you.

[Owl]

Personally...revenge sucks, no matter the motivation or who thinks they're "owed" something or not.

 

I say....if this is how you feel...then demonstrate you've got a sense of honor, dignity, and morals and walk the eff away.

 

But don't let your anger/rage/whatever rule you.

 

I personally felt I 'owed' OM three rounds...but I knew better than to act on it. I don't see how you're feeling as any 'more justified' than how I felt, nor do I see your revenge as any more 'right' than what I was considering.

[Darren Steez]

Cry me a river. I got ****ty sex for years while she was probably wishing she had him in bed instead. I was beaten up for a solid 2 years and then I had to walk on eggs for the next 4-5 years. And I'M cruel? It's not even about hurting her, it's about me getting what is owed to me.

 

Congratulations. Just stopped feeling sorry for you.

[beatcuff]

and have you thought of your two children (no mention of them for pages).

 

is this how you want them to act when they are deceived?

 

they will somehow find out just like you did.

[beach]

When my exH wronged me and hurt me I walked away.

 

Staying angry and acting vengeful would have accomplished more hurt and more pain!

 

So I got neutral - REALLY neutral...as in, I just don't care anymore neutral!

 

He has tried to love me, hurt me, manipulate me, overpower me and control me in the past 8 years we've not been together.

 

And my best way to be and stay happy is not giving him any of my time or energy.

 

He will do what he does - but I don't react or over react to anything he says or does - it just doesn't matter anymore.

 

That has been what is best for me.

 

 

For your relationship with her - I just don't see one ounce of love.

[ISayWhoa]

? I can't see the last page