Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[ISayWhoa]

I understand; your anger, your indignation, is justified. I wasn't trying to suggest otherwise.

 

 

 

 

Again, I get it...she did wrong by you. Understatement of the year, I know. It wasn't your fault that you were working long, hard hours; you were trying to provide for your family. No one can fault you for that.

 

 

 

Time knows no mercy; you will never get those years back-no matter how much you wish you could. I'm not morally offended by what you might do-I am simply stating there can (and likely will) be consequences that follow. I don't fault you for your anger...but what happens, later on down the road, when you look back at what you're planning on doing? What happens, then? Do you not think, given your higher moral ground, that you might be plagued by the deepest remorse-not just for hurting her-after all, she hurt you, too-but because you expect better of yourself? The choice is yours; no one can stand in your way. I am merely trying to give you perspective-not for her...for you.

 

 

 

No, I suppose you don't owe her any promises, nor compassion. But, what do you owe yourself? That's what you need to ask; not what she owes you, but what you owe to yourself.

 

 

 

You have every right, as I said. You have every right to be as angry as you are...you can't change what has occurred. You can, however, shape what comes next.

 

I am sorry, if I upset you. It was not my intention. Forgive me.

You didn't upset me. That thought didn't cross my mind. It wasn't directed at you at all, I promise ..!

[ISayWhoa]

What happens when your balls-deep in her and the images of her and the OM hit you? When she's giving you the kind of sex you have wanted from her because she admitted doing it with the other guy, is that going to trigger you?

 

Personally, I have no problem with the revenge aspect as she is getting what she deserves in my mind. I also understand that trying to release your anger by screwing her to death sounds like a good idea, but it is likely to backfire. You will actually be giving in to her burning desire to manipulate you with her most powerful weapon - sex. You are angry and hurting and way, way too vulnerable to the temptation to get things back to "the way they used to be". For you to continue staying away is agony for her - at least until she realizes you need time alone or gives up on your marriage. Don't go back to her until you are committed to honestly trying to reconcile. This is the only chance you are going to get to decide what you think is best for you without her powerful manipulation influencing you.

All good points. The triggers are going to be very hard, if not impossible to avoid. Especially to think that he was getting that kind of sex long ago and only now , I get it too. No doubt it's going to be tough.

[ISayWhoa]

Personally...revenge sucks, no matter the motivation or who thinks they're "owed" something or not.

 

I say....if this is how you feel...then demonstrate you've got a sense of honor, dignity, and morals and walk the eff away.

 

But don't let your anger/rage/whatever rule you.

 

I personally felt I 'owed' OM three rounds...but I knew better than to act on it. I don't see how you're feeling as any 'more justified' than how I felt, nor do I see your revenge as any more 'right' than what I was considering.

It's really not about revenge. I'm not looking to get back at her by having sex with her. That would imply this is a painful ordeal for her, in which case, I simply would back off.

[ISayWhoa]

I wasn't intending 2 get all moral on your hiney. I was trying 2 put myself in that si2ation, and suggesting that I wouldn't want that kind of sex without commitment, maybe especially with my W, who I had once thought I HAD the commitment and was celebrating it with the sex.

 

-ol' 2long

No I know. I understand what you're saying.

[ISayWhoa]

Let me try an analogy. Suppose that we have a couple struggling to make the bills every month. They work hard, and the wife works two jobs just to help make ends meet. They never take vacations and they never eat out because they never have any money. Not a great life, but it could be worse.

 

Now imagine 8 years later she discovers that all this time, her husband has had a huge hoard of cash. Millions of dollars. And suppose further that she finds out that he's been using this money to buy expensive gifts for another woman.

 

I have no doubt that the first thing she's going to do after getting angry is to quit her jobs and demand he takes her on a first class cruise in the Caribbean .. just for starters. I'm pretty sure none of you would try and stop her from "taking revenge" and urge her to just walk away. At least I hope not.

 

I'm pretty sure she would feel he owes her for all the misery he deliberately let her live through when it would have been so easy to relieve her of it and make their lives a good one. She would make him spend his money on her, mercilessly and yet it wouldn't be about revenge.

 

All I wanted all this time was for my wife to show me how much she wants my cock. That was it.

[JustAReformedGirl]

You didn't upset me. That thought didn't cross my mind. It wasn't directed at you at all, I promise ..!

 

I didn't think it was directed at me, but I was worried that I'd added to your unhappiness.

 

On the whole, I think it is healthy that you're acknowledging your feelings for what they are. I understand that you're going to be experiencing a rollercoaster ride of emotions; I know, this must be very overwhelming for you. In your shoes, I'd be just as mixed up, perhaps even more so.

 

While it is healthy for you to allow yourself to experience these emotions, it is also a good idea to make sure you deal with them in a productive manner. You have a couple more days that you're taking to sort this out, correct? If need be, take more time, if you're not sure of what you want to do by Friday.

 

For the record, I doubt things will work out with your wife; as someone else suggested, sex may be a tool she uses for control...do you think this is true of her?

 

Keep us apprised of how you're feeling, and your conclusions. Our first priority while posting here is to be supportive.

[janedoe67]

I think any BS who says that revenge and vindictive actions didn't ever cross their mind is a liar...just like a WS who says they never enjoyed any aspect of their affair ever is a liar.

 

I didn't really even read your "rant" as something you were definitely planning to go do starting tomorrow. I read it as the spilling over of some pretty powerful and completely humanly understandable emotion.

 

Thing is...I think even you know if you do that you will feel worse about yourself, and if sex is an important need to you, then you will feel conflicted and confused and oddly bonded to her after all that.....and that will make it tough to move forward.

 

And as far as owing sex...I guess no one is owed sex or entitled to sex....but when you marry someone....most rational people figure sex is gonna be part of the equation. So yeah, I get that going without in the only relationship it is moral to get it in is frustrating.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Let me try an analogy. Suppose that we have a couple struggling to make the bills every month. They work hard, and the wife works two jobs just to help make ends meet. They never take vacations and they never eat out because they never have any money. Not a great life, but it could be worse.

 

Now imagine 8 years later she discovers that all this time, her husband has had a huge hoard of cash. Millions of dollars. And suppose further that she finds out that he's been using this money to buy expensive gifts for another woman.

 

I have no doubt that the first thing she's going to do after getting angry is to quit her jobs and demand he takes her on a first class cruise in the Caribbean .. just for starters. I'm pretty sure none of you would try and stop her from "taking revenge" and urge her to just walk away. At least I hope not.

 

I'm pretty sure she would feel he owes her for all the misery he deliberately let her live through when it would have been so easy to relieve her of it and make their lives a good one. She would make him spend his money on her, mercilessly and yet it wouldn't be about revenge.

 

All I wanted all this time was for my wife to show me how much she wants my cock. That was it.

 

The analogy is sound. Anyone in that situation would be quite upset, and would want some sort of compensation. In your case though, I'm not sure sex should be the compensation. If she really wants to prove to you how morose she is for her actions, I would think doing something beyond sex (which, as has been stated, might be a tool of control over you, for her) would be a better call. Something with meaning; obviously, sex has little meaning for her, beyond using it to manipulate someone into sticking around. That last part made me chuckle, though.

[ISayWhoa]

I think any BS who says that revenge and vindictive actions didn't ever cross their mind is a liar...just like a WS who says they never enjoyed any aspect of their affair ever is a liar.

 

I didn't really even read your "rant" as something you were definitely planning to go do starting tomorrow. I read it as the spilling over of some pretty powerful and completely humanly understandable emotion.

 

Thing is...I think even you know if you do that you will feel worse about yourself, and if sex is an important need to you, then you will feel conflicted and confused and oddly bonded to her after all that.....and that will make it tough to move forward.

 

And as far as owing sex...I guess no one is owed sex or entitled to sex....but when you marry someone....most rational people figure sex is gonna be part of the equation. So yeah, I get that going without in the only relationship it is moral to get it in is frustrating.

Of course, I'm a bit confused. Also, when I read on her post that she would gladly do all the sexual acts I always asked for .. I became physically aroused. Since I read this, the image of that kind of sex has been haunting my thoughts.

[TobyBoy]

I think your getting way ahead of yourself. Your lying, cheating wife told a bunch of anonymous posters that she would be willing to do those acts with you....now.....and you believe her? If anything.....you might get a handjob, if your lucky.

[ISayWhoa]

I think your getting way ahead of yourself. Your lying, cheating wife told a bunch of anonymous posters that she would be willing to do those acts with you....now.....and you believe her? If anything.....you might get a handjob, if your lucky.

Now that would be as close to sucking as I could get, I guess.

[beach]

Let me try an analogy. Suppose that we have a couple struggling to make the bills every month. They work hard, and the wife works two jobs just to help make ends meet. They never take vacations and they never eat out because they never have any money. Not a great life, but it could be worse.

 

Now imagine 8 years later she discovers that all this time, her husband has had a huge hoard of cash. Millions of dollars. And suppose further that she finds out that he's been using this money to buy expensive gifts for another woman.

 

I have no doubt that the first thing she's going to do after getting angry is to quit her jobs and demand he takes her on a first class cruise in the Caribbean .. just for starters. I'm pretty sure none of you would try and stop her from "taking revenge" and urge her to just walk away. At least I hope not.

 

I'm pretty sure she would feel he owes her for all the misery he deliberately let her live through when it would have been so easy to relieve her of it and make their lives a good one. She would make him spend his money on her, mercilessly and yet it wouldn't be about revenge.

 

All I wanted all this time was for my wife to show me how much she wants my cock. That was it.

 

My exH was telling me not to buy groceries. Then I discovered $5,000 worth of gifts (receipts) that he had bought for her and planned to take them for a weekend when he was meeting her. I searched his car! Sure enough, in his trunk was tons of wrapped gifts hidden away.

 

You think I wasn't fuming mad?

 

My best move was watching his lying, cheating a$$ drive away that morning knowing our marriage was OVER!

 

And I've never touched him or given him my thoughts or power again.

 

He killed what was once good between us when he did that.

 

We had it ALL! Great fun, great sex every day, great friends, 2 million dollar house, vacation houses. But somehow it never would have been enough for him.

 

 

And not dealing with him since is freedom. I no longer have to worry if he might betray me again.

 

In order to move forward and heal you have to let go of what you know doesn't work for you.

 

If it doesn't work - don't go backwards and cause more harm. Let the past go and begin by moving forward and never looking back.

 

To plot and plan revenge isn't nice.

[CarrieT]

Let me try an analogy. Suppose that we have a couple struggling to make the bills every month. They work hard, and the wife works two jobs just to help make ends meet. They never take vacations and they never eat out because they never have any money. Not a great life, but it could be worse.

 

Now imagine 8 years later she discovers that all this time, her husband has had a huge hoard of cash. Millions of dollars. And suppose further that she finds out that he's been using this money to buy expensive gifts for another woman.

 

I have no doubt that the first thing she's going to do after getting angry is to quit her jobs and demand he takes her on a first class cruise in the Caribbean .. just for starters. I'm pretty sure none of you would try and stop her from "taking revenge" and urge her to just walk away. At least I hope not.

 

I'm pretty sure she would feel he owes her for all the misery he deliberately let her live through when it would have been so easy to relieve her of it and make their lives a good one. She would make him spend his money on her, mercilessly and yet it wouldn't be about revenge.

 

All I wanted all this time was for my wife to show me how much she wants my cock. That was it.

 

Here's the big difference with your analogy...

 

Cash and money is an illusive and inanimate THING.

 

Sex is intimate and personal.

 

Men view sex entirely differently than women do and for you, having revenge sex with your wife will mean something entirely different to you than it will to her. THAT is where the damage will be exacerbated if you proceed with this train of logic.

[Confused48]

All good points. The triggers are going to be very hard, if not impossible to avoid. Especially to think that he was getting that kind of sex long ago and only now , I get it too. No doubt it's going to be tough.

 

If you let yourself be in the moment there won't be any triggers. Be there, with her. You are there, the OM has been gone for ages. It is you and her. Don't think about the past. Don't think about the future. Just, is this good, now? In midst of sexual passion you will likely not trigger. If you enjoy it. If it is mundane you mind will wander. I trust your wife won't let it be mundane.

[beach]

If you let yourself be in the moment there won't be any triggers. Be there, with her. You are there, the OM has been gone for ages. It is you and her. Don't think about the past. Don't think about the future. Just, is this good, now? In midst of sexual passion you will likely not trigger. If you enjoy it. If it is mundane you mind will wander. I trust your wife won't let it be mundane.

 

IF she gives permission.

 

And IF he's honest about his intent.

 

"Honey, I need to use you and abuse you for raunchy sex anytime and anyway I demand it, are you good with that? You good with me tossing you out with the trash too, when I've got my fill of you?"

 

That would be an honest way to ask her!

[HopingAgain]

I think some of us are being way too hard on Whoa. I think I would feel the exact same way as he does in his shoes. I would want a freaking circus of sexual acts too as some recompense given the situation. They say all is fair in love and war! But I do agree that it may come back to bite him in the butt if he starts to regain feelings for her...but as far as getting some sexual gratification to help reboost his pride in the meantime from his own WIFE? Not a problem, in my opinion!

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

As to whether sex is or is not "owed" in a marriage, I am not sure what the word "owed" means in this context, but sex is considered a "basic obligation" of marriage, at least in NY.

Abandonment may be actual or constructive. In family law, constructive abandonment occurs when one spouse refuses to engage in sexual relations with the other spouse for a period of one year.

 

In New York a party must allege and prove marital fault in order to obtain a divorce. New York Domestic relations law § 170 permits the granting of a judgment of divorce on the grounds of "abandonment". That abandonment must have occurred for at least one year prior to the commencement of the action for divorce and must be ongoing. Even though statute uses only the word "abandonment," case law has developed over the years recognizing what is commonly known as "constructive abandonment."

 

To support a claim for constructive abandonment, a party must allege that abandonment has resulted from the other spouse refusing to engage in sexual relations for at least one year

prior to the commencement of the action. By far, the most common fault based ground for divorce in New York is constructive abandonment.

 

The basis of a "constructive abandonment" cause of action is that

since sexual relations and procreation are fundamental to the concept of marriage, failure to engage in sexual intercourse is an abandonment of the very essence of the relationship

. This demonstrates a "hardening of resolve" not to cohabit as husband and wife. Accordingly,

counsel should allege such a hardening of resolve as not to fulfill a

basic obligation

of the marriage.

 

In addition, the spouse attempting to obtain the divorce must also show that he or she made repeated requests for relations during that year, that the other spouse refused those requests and, that there are no physical or psychological disabilities that would prevent the parties from engaging in sexual relations over that period, and that the adverse spouse's behavior is intentional and without provocation, cause or consent.

Not that your wife deprived you of sex in the sense of "constructive abandonment described above, but I do understand your hurt and anger that she deprived you of something she so willingly gave to other man and, now that you are ready to divorce her, lo and behold, she actually is quite willing to give to you, after all.

 

As for your wanting to use your wife for sex for awhile, then dump her, I understand it but I think it would be better to be done with her and move on than to spend another minute with her, if divorce is the path you've decided on. I understand the need for revenge and I understand that your wife inflicted worse pain on you than this would inflict on her, but I also know you have kids who still will have her as their mother.

 

I recommend taking a few more days before making any decision.

[ISayWhoa]

Here's the big difference with your analogy...

 

Cash and money is an illusive and inanimate THING.

 

Sex is intimate and personal.

 

.

Then you missed my point

[drifter777]

You are focusing on the sex - something that nearly all betrayed husbands do because that's how men are. Some men are simply unable to live with the fact that their wife has had sex with another man behind his back, and reconciliation for those men is not possible. You might be one of those men and, if you are, there is nothing "wrong" with you - it's just who you are. The reason I bring this up is that you should be working with a counselor who can help you make some really hard decisions about how you want to proceed with your marriage. It's so difficult to make a well thought-out decision while you are reeling from the shock of betrayal. I know I'm a broken record on this subject but I know how much a counselor can help you when you are in crisis.

[ISayWhoa]

Looks like somebody threw a wrench in the works on the other board. Dammit. Why would you do that, whoever you are? You wanted to be Yoda?

It looks like I'm going to have to come clean about the keylogger. Sh*t.

[aliveagain]

Sorry to hear about the change in your latest post. Why do some people have to be such selfish creeps, they just can't help but interfere in other peoples lives. Time to have a serious talk with your wife, don't talk about your source unless she asks you. That info may have been disclosed to her already. Remember this is not about your monitoring of her, it's about her affair that has been kept secret from you.

Edited July 11, 2013 by aliveagain
spelling

[CarrieT]

I am also really sorry somebody tipped your hand. Whoa, I am hoping you will post back after your reunion tomorrow and let us know how you are doing and what decisions you decide to make.

 

I'm sure there will be a whole lot of groveling and begging on her part; for me, that would be a huge turn-off... In the face of trouble, I am one that prefers level-headed, almost emotionless discussion about the issues and options. I am usually the one that starts crying and wish it weren't so. I'm not sure how you react to scenes of abject emotion, but I don't think tomorrow is the day you have to make a decision.

 

Tomorrow is just the day to start the discussion with your wife on what the various options are... Is the time and the life you had together worth building a future on? It has to be more than remorse on her side for her actions -- is she a woman you feel you can and want to see the golden years with or is a woman you truly don't feel you can trust to ever 100% be by your side because of her deceit?

[ISayWhoa]

Well my phone was ringing off the hook. I was in a meeting and I didn't hear the first 10 calls. I finally called her back and she was extremely upset. She asked me if I was spying on her via the computer. So I told her that yes I was qnd I explained that I put in a keylogger on there. She asked me how to take it off, but I know it's too complicated for her to do it. So I told her to use her iPad since I have no monitoring on there.

 

She asked me who the person was on the other board. And so I just told her the truth about this thread. Hell with it. She then hung up on me without saying goodbye.

 

I suspect I better get ready to pay up another week of rent in this place. I'm not ready to have a fight about my spying.

[turnera]

Then don't. You have no apologies to make.

[aliveagain]

She will try and make this about her, don't play that game. This is only about her lying and cheating and her decision to keep the truth hidden from you and still only between her and her former lover. Watch her actions, take whatever time you need before you decide on your path. You may want to talk to a lawyer regarding your rights just so you have all the information you need to make your decision.