twosadthings Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 I've seen your posts on the other site. You posted about what you were willing to do and not do to save your marriage. You gave a lot of information, some of which matched Isay's narrative and some differed, but you never once said you loved him and your first post here still hasn't. You have to know after reading this thread three times that the biggest obsticle to his continuing his relationship with you is that you're with him as your second choice after being dumped by Brian. He left someone who loved him to be with someone who loved someone else. Eight years is a long time to be without a wife's demonstrable love and affection. You've chosen to post here and said it's to keep your husband. I think the best way to do that is to do whatever it takes to convince him you love him and wouldn't kick him to the curb if Brian should ever pop up in one way or another in your life. Good luck to you and your husband, Twosadthings 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Hello everyone. I'm ISayWhoa's wife and i read this entire thread three times. I know you must think i'm a monster, but i'm really not and i'm sorry it seems that way from what happened. I'm going to do everyting in my power to make things right, if i even can. At first i wasn't even going to write anything here because i was a bit angry at the things that were said, but now i realize that maybe some of you are right that i have been a very poor wife. I was not alone in making the marriage bad, but i am the one that cause it to get to where it is now and really regret that more than you can know. He cam back home last night, and i was so happy to have him back that i didn't even want to let him go. I know he is asking me many questions and i'm answering everything truthfully. I decided to try something. I will let you ask all the questions you want from me in the hopes that maybe you can come up with questions he didn't think or want to ask. I will answer truthfully as long as it doesn't identify us personally to the whole world. and as long as there is nothing abusive Did you end the affair or were you dumped? Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Waywardcandy, Some very smart and experienced people here, I am glad you read this three times. However you do need to head back to both marriage couples counseling and you need to see individual counseling for yourself. Going to individual counseling is a major way to acknowledge you got issues and your going to put in the effort each week, or every other week. I suspect, but not sure, you should also seek a therapist with sexual expertise - and I suggest it be a woman. It has helped us. AASECT - Member Directory Link to post Share on other sites
WaywardCandy Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Hi WaywardCandy! You are a very brave lady posting here on this forum. I too have been following this thread and as a WW whose husband doesn't know about my A I don't know what advice I can give either of you. However, my impression is that despite what your H says he does appear to still want to be with you. If he didn't he would have walked away from you completely for good. You clearly want to make your M work. So, if it's what you both want you can make it work. You have both caused each other an enormous amount of pain and made a lot of mistakes, but there are people here who care about you and who will do what they can to help. The best of luck to you both x Thank you, i appreciate that Link to post Share on other sites
WaywardCandy Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 I've seen your posts on the other site. You posted about what you were willing to do and not do to save your marriage. You gave a lot of information, some of which matched Isay's narrative and some differed, but you never once said you loved him and your first post here still hasn't. You have to know after reading this thread three times that the biggest obsticle to his continuing his relationship with you is that you're with him as your second choice after being dumped by Brian. He left someone who loved him to be with someone who loved someone else. Eight years is a long time to be without a wife's demonstrable love and affection. You've chosen to post here and said it's to keep your husband. I think the best way to do that is to do whatever it takes to convince him you love him and wouldn't kick him to the curb if Brian should ever pop up in one way or another in your life. Good luck to you and your husband, Twosadthings Thank you. Then i really messed up when i posted. I really do love him more than anything and that's why i want him to stay with me. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WaywardCandy Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Did you end the affair or were you dumped? He ended it, not me. Link to post Share on other sites
WaywardCandy Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Waywardcandy, Some very smart and experienced people here, I am glad you read this three times. However you do need to head back to both marriage couples counseling and you need to see individual counseling for yourself. Going to individual counseling is a major way to acknowledge you got issues and your going to put in the effort each week, or every other week. I suspect, but not sure, you should also seek a therapist with sexual expertise - and I suggest it be a woman. It has helped us. AASECT - Member Directory My husband doesn't want to go to couple's counseling because i wasn't entirely truthful when we used to go last time. I guess that turned him off of marriage counseling for now. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WaywardCandy Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 She admitted in her own post that his affair occured a year after hers ended. Like Drifter said, the timeline isn't in dispute. Except by you, apparently. That's correct, i cheated first and he didn't know about it until now. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Why did you decide to continue your lie when his affair was exposed, knowing that by doing so you were still protecting OM and preserving the false image of who you really are? When discovered why did you not come clean but again chose to lie until proof was produced? Were you ready to leave your marriage while in your affair? How will you make ISayWhoa feel safe again? Don't waste anymore money on marriage counseling, it can't work if you lie, and it can't work until you have dealt with the issues that are broken in you, the reasons that allowed you to serve the initial blow to what was your marriage. You need to focus on finding the root causes that took you there and you do that by getting yourself into independent counseling. Most importantly you need to help ISayWhoa heal, you need to prove to him he wasn't your second choice. You can come on here and bulls**t everyone with words but the only thing that will be really believable will be your actions. You have had 8 years to plan for this and deal with it in your own mind, ISayWhoa just learned about your infidelity and the depth of your lie so to him it just happened. I suggest you write out a timeline of all the events that happened so everything is exposed, no trickle truth, no withholding information no matter how much it hurts, honesty, honesty, honesty is required. You need to prove that staying with you is the right choice and you are not that person anymore. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 He ended it, not me. Did you believe you loved other man more than you loved your husband at the time the affair was going on? Would you have left your husband for a "trial separation" to see how things would have worked out with the other man if the other man was a viable option financially and if other man had asked you to? At what point did you feel like you emotionally returned to your marriage after the end of your affair? Have you ever felt that type of passion toward your husband that you felt toward the other man? Was the other man a better lover than your husband? Was the other man a better emotional partner than your husband? Why did you withhold from your husband the type of sex you offered to other man without even being asked, both before and since your affair? What is your opinion of the other man right now? What is your opinion of your husband right now? What is your opinion of your husband's chances of attracting another woman if he leaves you? Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 From "Not Just Friends" by Shirley Glass: 1. What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved? 2. After the first time you had sex, did you feel guilty? 3. How could it go on so long if you knew it was wrong? 4. Did you think about your husband at all? 5. What did you tell other man about your marriage and about your husband? 6. Did you talk about love or about a future together? 7. What did you see in the affair partner? 8. What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different? 9. Were there previous infidelities or opportunities, and how was this time similar or different? 10. Did you have unprotected sex? Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Hello, Wayward candy! I commend you for having the courage to post here. I won't ask any questions (it seems most of the others have covered a lot of ground) but I will say this: Be honest with yourself. Be honest with yourself about why you want this marriage to work, and about who you were when the affair took place. If you can learn to be honest with yourself over what has occurred in the last seven to eight years, and if you can come to terms with both your good points and your flaws, then perhaps you will find it easier to be fully honest and sincere with your husband. I'm a WS, too, so I'm no angel; I just can't imagine lying for that long, though. Please, give us a clear picture of how you held on to the lie for so long. Were you afraid? Did the passage of time make you more afraid about being exposed, and so you kept it under wraps? After all that has happened, it's going to be a very long, arduous rode to recovery; but, if you genuinely want to fix your marriage with Whoa, and he's up to the task, then I wish you both the best of luck. You have a lot of work ahead of you, and I don't doubt all the heavy lifting is going to exasperate you at times. But, keep in mind why that is, and more importantly, why you're willing to endure it. For him and you, both. Again, best of luck. Link to post Share on other sites
dichotomy Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 My husband doesn't want to go to couple's counseling because i wasn't entirely truthful when we used to go last time. I guess that turned him off of marriage counseling for now. Part two of what I recommended (and reinforced by another poster) is Individual counseling . Of course neither M nor IC will work without honesty. Link to post Share on other sites
Confused48 Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Do you still think of the OM fondly? Do you have any fond memories of your affair? If no, when did you stop? How long after it ended I mean. And was it gradual or sudden? Do you know why you stopped? If you did. If you could go back in time would you stop yourself from being with OM? Or would you just stop your H from finding out about the affair? Or both? Or neither? I can see you are buried with questions. I don't blame you if you can't answer. You have so much to deal with at home. You are so brave to offer though. If you can you will be helping others. Best wishes to you Wayward Candy. Link to post Share on other sites
twosadthings Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Isay & Candy, I try to only post to the original poster but it now seems you're an entry. You have been and undoubtedly will be asked a number of and all kinds of personal questions. At some point I suspect you'll be asked about your children or something even more invasive. This is an annonymus and public forum after all. I never give advice but urge you to both somehow to maintain some measure of dignity while demonstrating your resolve to take the actions necessary to recover your relationship or failing that to be able to conduct yourselves with hope for a happy life to come. The seeds for triggers are abundant as it is. Just sayin' Twosadthings P.S. Candy, I didn't think much of your user name on the other site and am a bit surprised you continued using it here. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 How did you feel when your OM dumped you? Did you take it out on your H in any way? If so, what did that look like - be specific! Link to post Share on other sites
janedoe67 Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 It's also the screen name of someone on a hookup site...just sayin. You might want to change it. I am a wife who cheated too. THE top priorities in your life now should be: complete transparency Compassion for your husband Trying to make amends And you have two things for which to make amends: your affair, and consciously, knowingly hiding it while making him pay for the one he had AFTER yours Good luck to you Link to post Share on other sites
2sunny Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 In reference to ^^^^ are you 49 years old and living in Pocahontas Iowa? Link to post Share on other sites
Chi townD Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 (edited) Okay, So, Candy, you found your way here because some dumbass from this forum tipped you off. Your marriage is a sham and it has been for years; actually, since the beginning. Now, I'm not saying Isay is in the right. He's not. He stepped outside the marriage and got caught. He paid the price for his misconduct. For years! Tormenting himself over the guilt of what he's done. Being in the "doghouse" for years with you and then enduring comments by you periodically on how such a poor husband he is for what HE'S done. He probably thought he married Mother Teresa To have a wife that is SO forgiving. But, what he didn't realize is that you've already have given yourself away to another man. You fell for another man and you freely let another man inside you long BEFORE Isay ever betrayed you. Now, he knows that YOU first stepped out of the marriage. That YOU were the first to throw away your marriage vows; not him. Were you hurt when Isay cheated? Yeah, I'm not taking that away from you. But, to let him go on for years blaming himself for your unhappiness was wrong. You did things to this other man that you never did for Isay, and for NO OTHER REASON but to keep this guy interested in you. Nothing more. The same kind of sexual favors that Isay has been begging for years....but, I guess he wasn't interesting enough to do for him. Now, that you've been caught, NOW you don't have a problem performing those sexual favors for you husband. NOW! You're happy to do them. Why? Same reason as before. You want to keep your husband interested in marriage! I guess it's true what they say! History repeats itself! Here's the rub. Thinking sex is going to make everything okay isn't going to solve the problem. You've read this thread. You know where Isay's mind is at right now. If he has sex with you now, it isn't because of a loving coupling between man and wife. He's viewing it as just getting a piece of ass. Sad isn't it? You hurt him THAT much, lied to him for years that he viewing you as nothing more than a momentary piece of ass, because your happily offering it up. It's pretty obvious that Isay is suffering from hysterical bonding. He wants sex and a lot of it. Don't read into it as a sign of forgiveness, because it's not. It's a subconscious, primal and animalistic reaponse to try and reclaim what he believes is his. Nothing more, so don't read to much into it. You can say that your betrayal happened years and years ago and you've been nothing but faithful to him. But, he JUST discovered that you have been unfaithful to him. This discovery is NO DIFFERENT as if he just caught you crawling out of bed with this other douche rocket yesterday. It's that painful. Isay may not feel like going to a counselor and I don't blame him. He knows that the last time was a sham, why would this be any different. But, you both need therapy, years of it. If he won't go to marriage counseling, then perhaps you can talk him into individual counseling for himself and for him to deal with these feelings of betrayal. Edited July 13, 2013 by Chi townD 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WaywardCandy Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Why did you decide to continue your lie when his affair was exposed, knowing that by doing so you were still protecting OM and preserving the false image of who you really are? When discovered why did you not come clean but again chose to lie until proof was produced? Were you ready to leave your marriage while in your affair? How will you make ISayWhoa feel safe again? Don't waste anymore money on marriage counseling, it can't work if you lie, and it can't work until you have dealt with the issues that are broken in you, the reasons that allowed you to serve the initial blow to what was your marriage. You need to focus on finding the root causes that took you there and you do that by getting yourself into independent counseling. Most importantly you need to help ISayWhoa heal, you need to prove to him he wasn't your second choice. You can come on here and bulls**t everyone with words but the only thing that will be really believable will be your actions. You have had 8 years to plan for this and deal with it in your own mind, ISayWhoa just learned about your infidelity and the depth of your lie so to him it just happened. I suggest you write out a timeline of all the events that happened so everything is exposed, no trickle truth, no withholding information no matter how much it hurts, honesty, honesty, honesty is required. You need to prove that staying with you is the right choice and you are not that person anymore. It was a stupid and selfish decision on my part to keep lying. I struggle to understand why i did it. I know you think it was only to avoid the backlash, and that was part of it, but it was also because i expected it was not something he would do. I think i unfairly held him to a higher standard than me. Also i wanted for him to feel how hurt i was first, but then i kept procrastinating my part. There was no excuse for me to do that. Not sure what i can do to make him feel safe again. I'll do everything and everything i can. Link to post Share on other sites
WaywardCandy Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Did you believe you loved other man more than you loved your husband at the time the affair was going on? No. I thought i did at the time and i tomd the OM so, but it was not love, it was infatuation Would you have left your husband for a "trial separation" to see how things would have worked out with the other man if the other man was a viable option financially and if other man had asked you to? I honestly don't know if we were at that point yet. If it had gone longer, then maybe. At what point did you feel like you emotionally returned to your marriage after the end of your affair? It's hard to say. I discovered his affair not that long after mine ended. So it took a while Have you ever felt that type of passion toward your husband that you felt toward the other man? Yes. Absolutely. Definitely. More so, really. But that was years ago when we were early in our marriage Was the other man a better lover than your husband? No. He really wasn't. I remember making love to my husband during the affair and realizing hom much better he felt than OM. I have to give stails, sorry, but my husband gave more of a satisfying feeling when he was Inside me. He can make me orgasm 3 times in a row, and OM could never come close. So there is no question husband was better. Was the other man a better emotional partner than your husband? I thought he was sometimes. He seemed to genuinely care about me, but i also realize now that he was an instructor in a field i was excited about, so i got caught up our common interests. Why did you withhold from your husband the type of sex you offered to other man without even being asked, both before and since your affair? This is a hard question. I felt i had to prove myself to the OM because other women were also interested in him. Then since i hadn't done them for so long with my husband, i felt funny just starting again. What is your opinion of the other man right now? I don't think he was that great now that i look back. I'm very thankful i didn't do anything stupid like run away with him. What is your opinion of your husband right now? I think he's the best thing that ever happened to me, and i hope i am fortunate enough for him to forgive me and stay with me. What is your opinion of your husband's chances of attracting another woman if he leaves you? They are very good. When we go out, women look at him all the time, to where it's annoying. Many women flirt with him. So i know he would have no problem, obviously. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 , but it was also because i expected it was not something he would do. I think i unfairly held him to a higher standard than me. Not sure what i can do to make him feel safe again. So you thought that you were so much lower than him that you were capable of infidelity but not him, do I have that right? You need to really think hard of ways to make him feel safe, they should include absolute transparency, all passwords, access to phone etc. etc. etc. The deceit of knowing about your earlier affair without disclosing it when you had the opportunity to come clean is what causes such an imbalance. Even when he confronted you and you came back with "Brian who." You have to break your lying cycle, you lie too easily, it's a poor defense. He will never feel safe if you continue to lie. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WaywardCandy Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 1. What did you say to yourself that gave you permission to get involved? That life is short and you only live once. 2. After the first time you had sex, did you feel guilty? Not that much 3. How could it go on so long if you knew it was wrong? I justified it as being a way to fill a need that i thought i wasn't getting 4. Did you think about your husband at all? All the time. It bothered me, and sometimes i wanted to end the affair right then and there even though i was with OM. 5. What did you tell other man about your marriage and about your husband? I told him i was unhappy and that H was not paying any attention to me. I over exaggerated that part even in my own mind. 6. Did you talk about love or about a future together? Love yes, future, not really. 7. What did you see in the affair partner? I thought he was new and exciting and i admired how much he knew about a field i was trying to know more about. 8. What did you like about yourself in the affair? How were you different? I felt more adventurous and more sexual. I felt in control of my own life. 9. Were there previous infidelities or opportunities, and how was this time similar or different? Yes. This was only because of the unique circumstances with me having him as a mentor and me somehow craving his admiration 10. Did you have unprotected sex? Yes Link to post Share on other sites
WaywardCandy Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 Do you still think of the OM fondly? Do you have any fond memories of your affair? No, i don't. Not unfondly, either. I don't have much emotional feelings about it now. I feel shocked that i did what i did and had an affair. If no, when did you stop? How long after it ended I mean. And was it gradual or sudden? Do you know why you stopped? If you did. It was gradual. I guess time made the emotion fade If you could go back in time would you stop yourself from being with OM? Yes, definitely yes. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
WaywardCandy Posted July 13, 2013 Share Posted July 13, 2013 In reference to ^^^^ are you 49 years old and living in Pocahontas Iowa? Uh no .. Link to post Share on other sites
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