Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[Confused48]

Exactly, and that is one of the biggest reasons for a WS to confess to the BP.

 

My WW told me that she did plan on leaving me and moving out (with POSOM if he wanted to go), but after he dumped her for the last time and wouldn't take her back she was going to suck it up and stay with me until she finished college, and then leave me.

 

This supposedly all changed after I finally found enough evidence to force an admission about her A and then a couple of months later her sexting A, after all of that, kicking her out and pretty much treating her like she didn't matter anymore she decided that she did want me.

 

Heh, it's tough to believe that I will ever get over being #2.

 

But are you really #2? Or did you and your WW just have to go through some horrible stuff for her to realize that, all along, you were #1. At any point in your WWs affair she could have been faced with a choice and chose you. You can't say you know you were #2. You do not know that. I understand that you also can't say you know you were or are #1.

 

That's hard to take. But just knowing you were not the only one is the hardest part. This minor bull about 1 vs 2 is meaningless compared to the pain of thinking you were her only one vs knowing you were sharing her with others. Somebody please tell me how to get over that.

[ISayWhoa]

But are you really #2? Or did you and your WW just have to go through some horrible stuff for her to realize that, all along, you were #1. At any point in your WWs affair she could have been faced with a choice and chose you. You can't say you know you were #2. You do not know that. I understand that you also can't say you know you were or are #1.

 

That's hard to take. But just knowing you were not the only one is the hardest part. This minor bull about 1 vs 2 is meaningless compared to the pain of thinking you were her only one vs knowing you were sharing her with others. Somebody please tell me how to get over that.

 

The point is that you can't know, because OM was no longer an option at the time of her "choice", which makes any talk of BS being #1 as sounding self serving and empty of meaning.

[2sunny]

The point is that you can't know, because OM was no longer an option at the time of her "choice", which makes any talk of BS being #1 as sounding self serving and empty of meaning.

 

So where does your M stand now and what is happening between you two?

[BHsigh]

But are you really #2? Or did you and your WW just have to go through some horrible stuff for her to realize that, all along, you were #1. At any point in your WWs affair she could have been faced with a choice and chose you. You can't say you know you were #2. You do not know that. I understand that you also can't say you know you were or are #1.

 

That's hard to take. But just knowing you were not the only one is the hardest part. This minor bull about 1 vs 2 is meaningless compared to the pain of thinking you were her only one vs knowing you were sharing her with others. Somebody please tell me how to get over that.

 

I apologize for the highjack ISW, I will start a new thread if this isn't helping you.

 

But in my case, I confronted my WW the first time while she was still in her A, I was gaslighted of course, but we stayed up all night talking about how she felt that we were distant a few months before and that we were going to spend more time working on us, and that we still loved each other. That didn't stop her from having POSOM over in our apartment while i was out of town that week, it didn't stop her from installing an app to hide their texts and it sure didn't stop her from chasing him when he dumped her a few weeks later. So yes, I can say that i was #2 and given the opportunity she chose him until months after he made it clear that they were over, she still wanted to be friends with him, lol.

 

ISW, I'm not really sure that your WW ever went that far, so I can't really say if she really thought of you as #2, or if she was just in the fog and would have chosen you given the opportunity. Did they ever talk about a future together or anything like that? Everyone here is making a lot of sense in talking about this point.

[findingnemo]

Earlier I said you both have a chance at R. I still think you do but I fear the outcome. The more I think about it the more I feel like trying to R is postponing the inevitable given the true nature of the situation.

 

Personally I feel that the whole #1 or 2 thing is a big deal. It just won't go away. How will it? Isn't having an A really a way of saying that one isn't quite happy at home and is looking for an alternative? That's the basic feeling human beings have about As. It's entirely natural for a BS to question what it is they did or didn't do.

 

When an A is discovered immediately, the WS has the chance to prove who is #1 by making a choice. It is kind of obvious to a very pissed off BS that he/she is still #1 even though the WS stepped out of the M if the WS is remorseful. This doesn't guarantee a R but in many cases, the question of who the WS would prefer is settled quite early on.

 

In ISWhoa's situation, I really can't see how he could know for sure that WWCandy didn't pick him simply because he was still there. He could rug sweep. He could try to forgive but will he ever forget? And if he can't forget, will either of them really be happy in this M? Will WWCandy, knowing her H doesn't really trust her have a chance at happiness? Or is she expected to live in guilt and uncertainty for another 30 years or so?

 

As for ISWhoa, what factors should he consider now in order to choose whether to stay or go? What in heaven's name is the reason why he should stay having gone through what he went through? Is his life over? Does he have say only 3 more years to live and therefore shouldn't rock the boat? Shouldn't he have a shot at finding happiness whether it is with a new love or on his own as a happy single man?

[beatcuff]

...

 

But there is a huge difference between being "dumped" and starting to date again and being dumped by an AP and going back to your spouse, pretending that nothing happened. But not everything is black and white, it really depends on the situation.

 

I basically didn't agree with your anology is all, they are two completely different situations.

 

AND

 

...I feel that the whole #1 or 2 thing is a big deal. It just won't go away. ...

 

the analogy works. if the OP leaves WS because he is unable or unwilling to overcome being #2 that will not change in the dating world. he will carry that 'baggage'. it does not suddenly go away.

 

OP this is no longer about cheating, its about dealing with your damaged ego. there are many good posters on the Separation and Divorce forums. they may be what you are looking for.

[BHsigh]

AND

 

 

 

the analogy works. if the OP leaves WS because he is unable or unwilling to overcome being #2 that will not change in the dating world. he will carry that 'baggage'. it does not suddenly go away.

 

OP this is no longer about cheating, its about dealing with your damaged ego. there are many good posters on the Separation and Divorce forums. they may be what you are looking for.

 

I'll agree to disagree here, if that is how your thought process works then more power to you, to me personally, there is a huge difference between the two, and personally I'm able to not let a persons past relationships and the breaking up of them affect my current relationship with them, along with not affecting my ego.

 

I won't hold someone's past against them, however, choosing AP is not in the past regarding a marriage.

[BHsigh]

AND

 

 

 

the analogy works. if the OP leaves WS because he is unable or unwilling to overcome being #2 that will not change in the dating world. he will carry that 'baggage'. it does not suddenly go away.

 

OP this is no longer about cheating, its about dealing with your damaged ego. there are many good posters on the Separation and Divorce forums. they may be what you are looking for.

 

Also, even in the dating world, if I'm interested in someone, and instead they try to start a relationship with someone else and then they find out that the other person isn't interested in them so they come back to me, I wouldn't take them.

 

However, being divorced or having a past relationship will not effect this, as I wasn't involved with them at the time.

 

That's what I was getting at.

[dichotomy]

Because she with held her truth for so long - and didn't offer the info when given the opportunity - it does appear that it's possible and will always be a thought in the back of his mind - if he was her second choice.

 

It may have been different if she had offered the info at the time his issue was revealed.

 

But the secrets she kept make it appear that it's possible he wasn't her #1 choice - just her backup plan because OM dumped her.

 

Coupled with the evidence that she didn't do everything in her power to be honest AND make OP her top priority with reassuring him the M was on track (instead she punished him while he was repairing the damage he caused) - makes it appear that she pulled the will over his eyes.

 

When in a M - and a spouse makes you feel duped - and like a fool - its hard to go backwards to believing that THAT spouse can make you trust them by feeling safe and protected.

 

 

So why didn't she find another man (or many other men) and have more affairs - if she though husband was #2 beta man ?

 

I mean I get the "fall back #2" ....idea initially - "hey this hot guy just dumped me, guess I will go back to safe nice husband.... for now". But if she is really unhappy or unstaistified with husband... and she is reasonablly attractive (or even average looking) female - it is so easy and she has incentive to go find another guy and have another affair.

 

So why did she not keep having affairs and cheating with other guys for 7 more years? Why was she faithful to him afterwards? She got away with it after all - so why not again? It seems to me she should have been on the prowl or open to invitations (which even married gals get all the time).

 

I am not defending her, far from it - I think she is a total cunt, but maybe this #1 vs #2 thing was a rather short lived feeling? Perhaps that does not matter - even if the feeling were for a while - its so painful to know someone was feeling and thinking this for any amount of time.

[findingnemo]

I understand what you're saying, dichotomy. There is a possibility that WWCandy CHOSE ISWhoa as her #1. But so much is in question here beyond the #1 thing and tied into it. Can we assume WWCandy didn't have another affair? Should we because she says so? We know from her past that she will not say anything. She is totally capable of taking secrets with her to the grave. So what other reason? Because ISWhoa hasn't found any evidence of other affairs? Well, right now he hasn't but what the heck will he do if he finds some in the years to come? She, again, is pretty good at hiding things, omitting vital info, trickle truthing, etc.

 

Someone once told me that once the trust is gone, it is over. Coming from a place where people don't really get Ds, it means that the illusion of loving and being loved is over. People live sterile M lives. It can be done. ISWhoa can choose to live like this. Choose to accept that the doubts could linger forever.

[dichotomy]

I understand what you're saying, dichotomy. There is a possibility that WWCandy CHOSE ISWhoa as her #1. But so much is in question here beyond the #1 thing and tied into it. Can we assume WWCandy didn't have another affair? Should we because she says so? We know from her past that she will not say anything. She is totally capable of taking secrets with her to the grave. So what other reason? Because ISWhoa hasn't found any evidence of other affairs? Well, right now he hasn't but what the heck will he do if he finds some in the years to come? She, again, is pretty good at hiding things, omitting vital info, trickle truthing, etc.

 

Someone once told me that once the trust is gone, it is over. Coming from a place where people don't really get Ds, it means that the illusion of loving and being loved is over. People live sterile M lives. It can be done. ISWhoa can choose to live like this. Choose to accept that the doubts could linger forever.

 

 

You are right we don't know if there are other affairs. He did get some emails and did some computer mointoring, and nothing else was found, but that does not mean other affairs did not take place, just perhaps less chance ....since he did get inside her on line accounts. I only wanted him to think about this #2 thing - which he needs to decide if it was just for a short period of time during her affair - or the whole last 7 years. To me thats a big difference of view, maybe not to him.

 

I guess we can't assume anything I suppose - other than she is good at lying and hidding.

 

I understand the loss of trust issue very well as a BH, as do many BS who stay married after Dday and it is a burden to carry.

[ISayWhoa]

I'm thinking I'm going to call it quits. With time, I've been able to look back at what now seem like some inconsistencies which I brought up to my wife and asked her to clear up for me. To her credit, she didn't try to deny anything. Bottom line, 3 years ago, she met up with him at a fitness conference in California for a weekend and they had sex several times. That's pretty much it for me. I don't really see any point in trying any further. It was already iffy as it was before this new information, but now this pretty much seals the deal for me. She tells me he was married at the time, so I'm going to track his a** down and inform his wife, if she's still with him.

[Owl]

Given this new information, ISW, I doubt anyone could blame you at all for your decision.

 

I certainly agree with it.

 

It was one thing to hear that it happened several years ago...it's another to learn that it was an on-again/off-again thing that happened much recently.

 

I wish you the best of luck.

[aliveagain]

Sorry to hear about her continued infidelity, guess she forgot about that little item when she came on here to respond to our questions. She sounded so truthful and sincere, just like when you confronted her and she promised to tell the truth. Cheaters are liars, I wonder how lying to the people trying to help you on this site helped your situation? Guess it makes sense, if your good at cheating you must be just as good at lying. Absolutely expose the POS, his wife needs to know what she is married to, you may even want to direct her to this site, she may need help dealing with the outcome. Remember, your wife reads these posts. I wonder where her loyalty lies? Will she warn him so he can make up some bulls**t story about you or will she offer to help you tell her the truth? Guess we will know soon. To some giving up their family for some strange di*k is worth it, she will have a lifetime to think about what she lost.

[Confused48]

I agree with the OP that there is no hope for him with WWC now that he has this new info. But please, the rest of you, don't trash WWC any more for having finally come clean. She's changing. She would not have come clean if she were not changing. So what if it took a while. It does not mean it is not genuine. Change often only comes after trauma.

 

I don't think that means OP should take her back. No way. I would even think OP has a right to slam WWC.

 

Not the rest of you. There is redemption. Don't slam her. I hope that she is becoming a more authentic person and will soon be deserving of a loving long term relationship with a new man. People DO change. I know b/c I did.

[findingnemo]

I'm thinking I'm going to call it quits. With time, I've been able to look back at what now seem like some inconsistencies which I brought up to my wife and asked her to clear up for me. To her credit, she didn't try to deny anything. Bottom line, 3 years ago, she met up with him at a fitness conference in California for a weekend and they had sex several times. That's pretty much it for me. I don't really see any point in trying any further. It was already iffy as it was before this new information, but now this pretty much seals the deal for me. She tells me he was married at the time, so I'm going to track his a** down and inform his wife, if she's still with him.

 

I am so sorry, ISWhoa. I was so hoping (against all odds) that WWCandy was being 100% truthful.

 

What you have just experienced is trickle truth. It is highly likely that it is worse. There was probably continued communication before the fitness trip event and after. They are each other's booty calls. She isn't the first to do it and won't be the last. However, this coupled with the whole "7 yr secret" etc would be too much for anybody to accept.

 

Now it's time to take care of yourself. What do you need right now?

[eddyctv]

I'm thinking I'm going to call it quits. With time, I've been able to look back at what now seem like some inconsistencies which I brought up to my wife and asked her to clear up for me. To her credit, she didn't try to deny anything. Bottom line, 3 years ago, she met up with him at a fitness conference in California for a weekend and they had sex several times. That's pretty much it for me. I don't really see any point in trying any further. It was already iffy as it was before this new information, but now this pretty much seals the deal for me. She tells me he was married at the time, so I'm going to track his a** down and inform his wife, if she's still with him.

 

How did you find out this new info?

[ISayWhoa]

How did you find out this new info?

 

She told me. I thought something was off now that I thought about it regarding the fitness conference. I just remember only hearing from her once the whole weekend and being unable to contact her the whole time. This is very unlike her. Then I called her room directly early in the morning and she was whispering at first until I laughed and asked her why she was whispering. I now realize, the OM was sleeping in the room with her. None of this is damning in in of itself, but now that I thought about it, my gut told me something must have been up. I asked her about it and she probably could have denied it, but she told me what happened. But yes, I agree, this may be just one of more booty calls. I don't know and frankly, I don't care anymore.

[ISayWhoa]

I am so sorry, ISWhoa. I was so hoping (against all odds) that WWCandy was being 100% truthful.

 

What you have just experienced is trickle truth. It is highly likely that it is worse. There was probably continued communication before the fitness trip event and after. They are each other's booty calls. She isn't the first to do it and won't be the last. However, this coupled with the whole "7 yr secret" etc would be too much for anybody to accept.

 

Now it's time to take care of yourself. What do you need right now?

 

I feel a little numb but much more at peace now. I think I'll be ok, thanks, though. I appreciate it.

[dichotomy]

I agree, this is it, serial cheater, liar. Well at least your not on the fence anymore.

 

I wish you the best of luck. You learned your own lessons long ago on faithfulness, and you grew,and became a better parter.

 

Sounds like she never did.

[ISayWhoa]

I agree, this is it, serial cheater, liar. Well at least your not on the fence anymore.

 

I wish you the best of luck. You learned your own lessons long ago on faithfulness, and you grew,and became a better parter.

 

Sounds like she never did.

 

Not to defend her or anything, but I doubt she's a serial cheater. I think it's more that she can't get this guy out of her head. The fact that she slept with him years later tells me that she would do so if he came to town. That, again, speaks volumes about my place in this marriage - and it's not the top spot.

[twosadthings]

Isay,

 

You have gotten what you need. Knowledge is power so use it. Make sure to let your sons know the reason, not necessarily the details, why you can't remain with their mother.

 

Good luck,

 

Twosadthings

 

P.S. I don't know if Candy still visits this site (had my doubts about her ID from the first) and will ever post here again, but if she does I will not post in response.

[dichotomy]

Not to defend her or anything, but I doubt she's a serial cheater. I think it's more that she can't get this guy out of her head. The fact that she slept with him years later tells me that she would do so if he came to town. That, again, speaks volumes about my place in this marriage - and it's not the top spot.

 

 

Sorry wrong use of term serial. I agree you got your answer on #1 spot which was bothering you something fierce. I hope you find the other guy is still married and can reach his wife.

[Pierre]

She told me. I thought something was off now that I thought about it regarding the fitness conference. I just remember only hearing from her once the whole weekend and being unable to contact her the whole time. This is very unlike her. Then I called her room directly early in the morning and she was whispering at first until I laughed and asked her why she was whispering. I now realize, the OM was sleeping in the room with her. None of this is damning in in of itself, but now that I thought about it, my gut told me something must have been up. I asked her about it and she probably could have denied it, but she told me what happened. But yes, I agree, this may be just one of more booty calls. I don't know and frankly, I don't care anymore.

 

I assume your wife is reading here. It was a bold move from her part to admit this. But, sadly this is just the tip of the iceberg. They often admit to 10% of what they do.

 

And she did this after she beat on on the head for your affair. One thing is to recriminate you after she is done with the affair and another thing is to recriminate you while she was still engaged. Obviously she has kept in contact with this guy.

 

She is either the most insecure women in the planet or she simply does not care.

 

Call the guy's wife.

 

Good luck!

[drifter777]

Another blow from the trickle-truth tree. The chances that you know the whole story is near zero and these blows are going to happen over and over again. I'm happy for you that you are choosing to not wait for the rest of the sordid truth to leak out one drip at a time. As difficult as the divorce process will be, it will bring you some closure and help you retain you self-esteem. I wish you well and am confident you will be just fine.

 

Question: how does your wife feel about divorce?