Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[ISayWhoa]

Another blow from the trickle-truth tree. The chances that you know the whole story is near zero and these blows are going to happen over and over again. I'm happy for you that you are choosing to not wait for the rest of the sordid truth to leak out one drip at a time. As difficult as the divorce process will be, it will bring you some closure and help you retain you self-esteem. I wish you well and am confident you will be just fine.

 

Question: how does your wife feel about divorce?

She's not in favor. Very much not so. She's been trying to persuade me to R with her still, but I'm not even mad anymore. The marriage is so broken, there's just no fixing it. I had my part in doing the damage as well, so I can't say much.

 

Hey if she thinks she can be happier with the other guy then she should pursue her dreams. Shoot for the stars and all that. Me, I'm done. Somebody has to declare this marriage dead. That person is me right now. I think later she'll realize the same thing.

[ISayWhoa]

This is one of the worst stories of betrayal that I have read. To hold that over your head all this time, make you feel guilt, knowing full well what she has done is beyond sickening. The guile and hypocrisy that your wife has exhibited is just beyond words. Other than what she has posted, has she expressed remorse? I only read some of her posts, but what I saw some of her responses seemed to be contrite. I am so sorry you are going through this.

Yeah, she's very remorseful. I get that. It just doesn't really help anymore that she is. I really really really can't be the fallback guy. That's just 1000% unacceptable to me. This last thing makes it impossible for me to think I'm anything other than exactly that.

[janedoe67]

The time to tell you about the addition contact with OM was when she was first confronted. She held on to the info until confronted again. That tells me that she is still trying to hide and justify.

 

I am so sorry.

[CarrieT]

Whoa, I am so, so sorry you are discovering additional infidelities. I know you are numb now and I completely understand your resolve in wanting to end the marriage.

 

I hope you will also continue to consider some individual counseling to assist in the healing.

[ISayWhoa]

The time to tell you about the addition contact with OM was when she was first confronted. She held on to the info until confronted again. That tells me that she is still trying to hide and justify.

 

I am so sorry.

Truth is, I think she's very ashamed of the whole thing. I think she was hoping to avoid the embarassment more than some Machiavelian plot ..

[ISayWhoa]

Whoa, I am so, so sorry you are discovering additional infidelities. I know you are numb now and I completely understand your resolve in wanting to end the marriage.

 

I hope you will also continue to consider some individual counseling to assist in the healing.

No need, I'll handle this. It's not going to be easy, but I'll be fine.

[2sunny]

Wow - that's horrible that she continues to lie - while pretending to mend the M - and cheats more as you two were working with a counselor to sorts through the infidelity.

 

And she just continued to paint herself in a angelic light all the while causing more harm to the M.

 

And she posted here and lied to us too.

 

She can't be trusted one bit!

 

Yes, call the OM's wife! I'd bet it was more than once!!!

[ISayWhoa]

Wow - that's horrible that she continues to lie - while pretending to mend the M - and cheats more as you two were working with a counselor to sorts through the infidelity.

 

And she just continued to paint herself in a angelic light all the while causing more harm to the M.

 

And she posted here and lied to us too.

 

She can't be trusted one bit!

 

Yes, call the OM's wife! I'd bet it was more than once!!!

I was very angry and I probably painted a terrible picture. But she's really not a bad person. I guess I just am not the right guy for her. She really just wanted something/someone else that I couldn't give her. The reasons don't matter now. It is what it is.

[CarrieT]

But she's really not a bad person.

You may rationalize that she may not be a bad person, but she made very bad choices.

 

I guess I just am not the right guy for her. She really just wanted something/someone else that I couldn't give her.

Please don't belittle your feelings in this. The "right guy" for her would be someone that would let her get away with these types of actions?

 

Do you believe that if there were someone that gave her what she wanted that she wouldn't have cheated? I don't believe that to be the case.

 

Based on what you and she both wrote, I feel she has some serious issues that enable her to lie and cheat and that was not healthy for her or your marriage.

[2sunny]

I was very angry and I probably painted a terrible picture. But she's really not a bad person. I guess I just am not the right guy for her. She really just wanted something/someone else that I couldn't give her. The reasons don't matter now. It is what it is.

 

It's not right that she chose to take ANOTHER opportunity to cheat again - that says a ton about HER lack of character - and that she didn't INTEND to repair your M!

 

That part is NOT on you - it's ONLY on her!

 

Do not get those mixed up!

 

No wonder she wasn't honest in counseling - her motive was to continue to meet her OM - as long as you never knew! Even if years went by until her next opportunity!

 

She was destroying the M with her intent all the while PRETENDING to be "the victim" and "the good wife".

 

She isn't who you THOUGHT she COULD be!

 

Time to let go of the illusion!

 

She's not capable of OFFERING honesty! Her hand has been played too late!

[drifter777]

I was very angry and I probably painted a terrible picture. But she's really not a bad person. I guess I just am not the right guy for her. She really just wanted something/someone else that I couldn't give her. The reasons don't matter now. It is what it is.

I understand your motivation in posting this - for some reason you still feel the need to protect her. We all know she is not the devil reincarnate, but she is really not a good person; or at least not a good life partner. The reason I'm bringing this up is because I think you have made the decision that is right for YOU and it's now going to take strength and courage to follow through with the divorce. I'm also going to suggest that deep down you were less than happy with the marriage and her repeated cheating and lying are just nails in the coffin of your relationship. Don't continue thinking you let her down, none of us can be the perfect spouse. The problem is some spouses won't accept this fact and feel entitled to have it all. So they find someone who is more fun or exciting or suave or whatever horsesh*T they sling to the BS and have their fun. Many of us choose to honor our promise to forsake all others and many of us do not. Stay strong and focus on yourself and your kids and you'll be just fine.

[aliveagain]

What makes this extra special is her treatment of you for the years following your discovery. She pounds on you for your infidelity than about the time life starts getting back to normal she's on her back again for Mr. Biceps banging him all weekend in a hotel room(That had to take planning which means they were still talking). She never confessed the first affair or her second go at him after he's married, yet she came on here trying to make us believe she's a different person now. All I see is the same liar protecting her own ass. None of this would have come to light if you hadn't caught her, she has offered you nothing that you didn't find on your own or dragged out of her because it just didn't add up. That fact alone makes her a very bad choice for a wife and a very high risk for reoffending. How can anyone help her if they never have the truth? She pretends to be what she is not. She wants everyone to believe she has virtues and morals, but she doesn't, she just feigns that she does.

 

The only hope that she could have of staying in this relationship would be to agree that she would take a polygraph at anytime or times you want in the future, and that she sign a postnuptial agreement giving up all rights to assets if she is caught in another infidelity. I'm still wondering if she is going to tip off the Other Man?

Edited July 30, 2013 by aliveagain
spelling

[2sunny]

I'd tell the OM's wife now!!!

 

I'm sure your wife alerted him to do damage control already!

 

Is she still involved with her exercise "circle"? Or did she quit that?

[BeholdtheMan]

Yeah, she's very remorseful. I get that. It just doesn't really help anymore that she is. I really really really can't be the fallback guy. That's just 1000% unacceptable to me. This last thing makes it impossible for me to think I'm anything other than exactly that.

Congratulations...now you're thinking like a self-respecting man. Dedicating oneself to the principle of self-respect and no longer being clingy is one of the healthiest things a betrayed spouse can do. Again, congratulations. You deserve much better than to be her backup plan

[beatcuff]

It appears your fear of 'always' being #2 to OM is correct.

 

Even i can not find a positive spin on this one.

 

I noticed in your responses (to this latest revelation) you were calm and 'matter of fact'. That is not a good sign for R.

 

Good luck.

[2sunny]

Have you notified the OM's wife yet?

[ISayWhoa]

Have you notified the OM's wife yet?

 

No. I'm not sure I will, either. I don't see any good coming of that. Right now, I'm just trying to work out the next steps with W. There is going to be no R, so the next steps are the inevitable separation and divorce. She's tried her best to reason with me on this one, but when it comes to making a case for me being #1, she can't do anything but fall short.

[turnera]

The good coming out of it is letting that woman KNOW the TRUTH she is living with. Would you not want to know you're living with a cheater, if someone else knew?

[dichotomy]

No. I'm not sure I will, either. I don't see any good coming of that. .

 

 

Actually I can see some bad coming out of you NOT doing it. Once possible outcome of your decision to leave, and end marriage is your wife could be driven back to see this man, or contact him, thus allowing that mans wife to continue to be abused (cheating is a form of abuse). Second there is a certain justice to truth. Please spend some time reconsider telling OM's wife.

 

I would want to know, and would appreciate someone telling me if it was going on.

[2sunny]

No. I'm not sure I will, either. I don't see any good coming of that. Right now, I'm just trying to work out the next steps with W. There is going to be no R, so the next steps are the inevitable separation and divorce. She's tried her best to reason with me on this one, but when it comes to making a case for me being #1, she can't do anything but fall short.

 

It's only right to tell the OM's wife what you know. Otherwise you are with holding truth to her and supporting the lie.

 

She deserves to know what is real.

[drifter777]

No. I'm not sure I will, either. I don't see any good coming of that. Right now, I'm just trying to work out the next steps with W. There is going to be no R, so the next steps are the inevitable separation and divorce. She's tried her best to reason with me on this one, but when it comes to making a case for me being #1, she can't do anything but fall short.

 

You know that it's completely your call as to whether you tell OMW or not - there are pluses and minus' either way. Most of us BS's believe that exposure is part of the whole "coming clean" process and a way of making it more difficult for the affair to continue. These reasons don't seem to apply here since you have made your decision to not try to reconcile. If the OM has been true to her since the incident with your wife, not telling her saves her from needless pain. If he has continued his cheating ways then she either has or will have her own d-day without your help.

 

I'm curious - how does it she try to reason with you regarding reconciliation?

[JustAReformedGirl]

I've been out of the loop for awhile.

 

So, Whoa: you've officially decided on divorce, then? If that is truly your choice, I wish you the best. I'll have to go back and read all the way through from where I left off last, in order to see what brought this about. You mention being her fall back plan, but I'm unclear as to how. I thought her affair had long since ended; I didn't think she still had anything in her for OM?

 

Like I said, I'll read through. You need to do whatever makes you happier, in the long run. I encourage you to inform OM's wife, as well.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'll admit, I skipped a few posts where there was political in-fighting, but I paid attention to the ones that are relevant to all of this.

 

I stick by what I said; if this is your choice, if divorce is the path you wish to go down, then I wish you the best of luck.

 

I encourage you to be sure this is the course you want to take, but beyond that, I cannot and will not blame you for making this choice. There is no way to be certain you really were second fiddle...but that, in itself, is part of the problem. Living the rest of your married life, wondering, would be sheer torture. More for you than her, though she'd get her fair share of it, too.

 

WWC acknowledged that her logic in raking you over the coals was flawed. That she rationalized to herself that because yours was still in effect, it was somehow worse.

 

Obviously, that's not true. The cheating was equal. Her deception was far worse.

 

I hope you are doing better, Whoa. If you ever need a friendly ear, throw a PM my way.

[Darth Vader]

I apologize for the highjack ISW, I will start a new thread if this isn't helping you.

 

But in my case, I confronted my WW the first time while she was still in her A, I was gaslighted of course, but we stayed up all night talking about how she felt that we were distant a few months before and that we were going to spend more time working on us, and that we still loved each other. That didn't stop her from having POSOM over in our apartment while i was out of town that week, it didn't stop her from installing an app to hide their texts and it sure didn't stop her from chasing him when he dumped her a few weeks later. So yes, I can say that i was #2 and given the opportunity she chose him until months after he made it clear that they were over, she still wanted to be friends with him, lol.

 

ISW, I'm not really sure that your WW ever went that far, so I can't really say if she really thought of you as #2, or if she was just in the fog and would have chosen you given the opportunity. Did they ever talk about a future together or anything like that? Everyone here is making a lot of sense in talking about this point.

 

 

Just drop her ass is all I have for you! Why waste your time and life with a Loser like her?!

[Darth Vader]

Wow - that's horrible that she continues to lie - while pretending to mend the M - and cheats more as you two were working with a counselor to sorts through the infidelity.

 

And she just continued to paint herself in a angelic light all the while causing more harm to the M.

 

And she posted here and lied to us too.

 

She can't be trusted one bit!

 

Yes, call the OM's wife! I'd bet it was more than once!!!

 

 

Why do you think I posted that info from the other Forum? She's still hiding stuff!