Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[TobyBoy]

Cancel the lunch date. Like was mentioned above, give the keylogger a chance to work its magic.

[jnj express]

don't forget when you confront---be calm/cool/collected---show no emotion---do not argue---no discussion---say what you have to say----let her know you have, or show her your evidence----tell her what you are thinking about as to consequences----and then leave-

 

--go visit a friend, for a couple of hours---go for a drive---just go dark on her---do not answer any type of message from her----also think about what you intend to say to her next---and plan your further discussion with her----then go home, and see exactly where your mge. is at

[Owl]

Here's a thought.

 

What do you plan on DOING if/when she finally breaks down and admits everything?

 

Or if she doesn't, for that matter?

 

You seem so focused on the confrontation, there doesn't appear to be much thought on what your longer term 'plan' is?

 

Are you going to divorce her in light of this information?

 

Do you want to reconcile?

 

Have you stopped to consider any of that yet?

[beach]

I'm wondering if he still plans to try and stay married to her? Or divorce her?

 

It's difficult to imagine that she allowed him to shoulder so much guilt and shame while rebuilding the marriage - all the while knowing she wasn't being honest about her own bad behavior.

 

She punished him while acting the innocent victim. It would be difficult for me to overlook that my spouse could lie and put on a good act to that extreme - while having me punished and doing the hard work to rebuild trust.

 

How can you trust her again?

 

And it begs the obvious question - could she be still cheating with no remorse or conscience?

[Pierre]

I'm wondering if he still plans to try and stay married to her? Or divorce her?

 

It's difficult to imagine that she allowed him to shoulder so much guilt and shame while rebuilding the marriage - all the while knowing she wasn't being honest about her own bad behavior.

 

She punished him while acting the innocent victim. It would be difficult for me to overlook that my spouse could lie and put on a good act to that extreme - while having me punished and doing the hard work to rebuild trust.

 

How can you trust her again?

 

And it begs the obvious question - could she be still cheating with no remorse or conscience?

 

Natural cheaters are a different breed. It is difficult to try to see through their glasses.

 

The first thing that comes to mind is that they have no perspective. They are violently offended if someone cheats on them and at that time the fact that they are cheaters is completely forgotten.

 

Chronic cheaters rationalize everything to very high degree and see themselves as honorable. Like the narcissist they are unable to assume responsibility for their actions.

 

IF OP can determine his wife is a one time cheater he may want to consider reconciliation. If she is a perennial cheater then OP should end the marriage. OP needs to manage that key logger for a while to see what is going on right now,

[grassisorisntgreener]

Natural cheaters are a different breed. It is difficult to try to see through their glasses.

 

The first thing that comes to mind is that they have no perspective. They are violently offended if someone cheats on them and at that time the fact that they are cheaters is completely forgotten.

 

Chronic cheaters rationalize everything to very high degree and see themselves as honorable. Like the narcissist they are unable to assume responsibility for their actions.

 

IF OP can determine his wife is a one time cheater he may want to consider reconciliation. If she is a perennial cheater then OP should end the marriage. OP needs to manage that key logger for a while to see what is going on right now,

 

While I agree that getting information on what she may or may not be doing right now is important.. you can't exactly expect someone to sit on this information for this long. It's obviously eating him alive.

[Pierre]

While I agree that getting information on what she may or may not be doing right now is important.. you can't exactly expect someone to sit on this information for this long. It's obviously eating him alive.

 

I agree.

 

I don't know how he does it.

 

Easy for us to talk about it.

[beach]

Natural cheaters are a different breed. It is difficult to try to see through their glasses.

 

The first thing that comes to mind is that they have no perspective. They are violently offended if someone cheats on them and at that time the fact that they are cheaters is completely forgotten.

 

Chronic cheaters rationalize everything to very high degree and see themselves as honorable. Like the narcissist they are unable to assume responsibility for their actions.

 

IF OP can determine his wife is a one time cheater he may want to consider reconciliation. If she is a perennial cheater then OP should end the marriage. OP needs to manage that key logger for a while to see what is going on right now,

 

They do have perspective - I think it's a matter of whether or not they have a conscience.

 

Their perspective may be skewed - always working in their favor.

 

Some folks never give their truth - no matter how much evidence is showing. He needs to determine what his wife offers as her truth and how she intends to handle her lies moving forward.

[Pierre]

They do have perspective - I think it's a matter of whether or not they have a conscience.

 

Their perspective may be skewed - always working in their favor.

 

Some folks never give their truth - no matter how much evidence is showing. He needs to determine what his wife offers as her truth and how she intends to handle her lies moving forward.

 

My first wife worked on the premise of DENY, DENY, DENY.

[beach]

My first wife worked on the premise of DENY, DENY, DENY.

 

My ex H did too... Except for the two times I had solid evidence. Even then, he still intended to lie and cover up = acting innocent - until he was backed into a corner.

 

When I realized I would never have his truth OFFERED to me - I ended the 20 year marriage. There was no evidence of trust in our M... So I had nothing to build upon.

[JustAReformedGirl]

OP, I'm not quite sure why you even bothered with the keylogger. I only say this because you obviously need to confront her as soon as possible, and you have enough evidence to support that confrontation.

 

Unless you can hold off and allow the keylogger to give you further evidence, it kind of seems to be a waste of your valuable time. You're chomping at the bit as is; why not just cut out the middle man, and confront her?

 

I hope the keylogger didn't cost you overly much, if you decide to go through with your plan today.

 

As others have stated, this won't necessarily go down the way you've been rehearsing in your mind; on top of that, you need to have a long-term plan put together.

 

Let us know what you decide to do, and how it goes today, if you go through with it. Best of luck.

[grassisorisntgreener]

I agree with everyone who mentioned a long term plan as well. Not to often do the conversations you have in your head, go as planned.

[dichotomy]

As I undertstand it - these emails are from many years ago right?.

 

The key logger will definetely help you to see whats been going on since then, and right now. You should have the full picture before you confront. Anything could have happend between then and now. She could have had more affairs, she could have come around and been remorseful or sad about what she did, or she could be still cheating, or nothing happended much since then.... I recommend you get the full picture of what she has been doing or saying.

 

It sounds very bad, I think it is not just about sex, but when someone degrades you ("my husband is clueless") or gives more to AP, its so sad.

 

and yes - you should be visiting a lawyer ...and an individual therapist....and having plans... for when the keylogger provides final information soon.

 

What ever you do - don't leave the home after you confront and go stay in some motel....Its your home too.

[Pierre]

Whatever you do:

 

Do not let her know there is such a thing as a key logger.

 

If you confront her without new info she will likely say: That affair is in the past, it was a mistake, blah, ILY, lets move on. You did too, blah, blah.

 

It is crucial that you have new info on her,. If she is still having affairs you need to know.

[beach]

Whatever you do:

 

Do not let her know there is such a thing as a key logger.

 

If you confront her without new info she will likely say: That affair is in the past, it was a mistake, blah, ILY, lets move on. You did too, blah, blah.

 

It is crucial that you have new info on her,. If she is still having affairs you need to know.

 

IF she doesn't take responsibility for her own cheating - there's really no way to work on the M - it doesn't matter if it was 7 years ago or 7 minutes ago.

 

Her actions show her lack of character. If she admits then that's at least a start.

 

How she reacts (or over reacts) will help determine his next plan for action.

[beach]

Any update?

 

OP, I hope you're ok.

[ISayWhoa]

Ok, so I barely got much sleep last night and I'm up now. I give up on sleeping ..

 

I had a swirling mix of conflicting emotions that bounced my head from one end to the other all day. I went home at around noon as planned, but as I approached the house, I became overwhelmed by a feeling of extreme arousal mixed with a desperate anticipatory exitement. I wasn't planning to have sex with her, but I got a solid hard-on as a pulling in the driveway. I lost my head and I dragged her immediately to the bedroom. Again, it was passionate, but angry sex (for me). At one point, as she was getting ready to climax, I said "You like that, you ****ing whore?". This is NOT the way I talk, but oddly enough it seemed to increase the intensity of her orgasm. She looked at me in an odd way right afterwards, though.

 

This was not at all what I had planned. Given the state I was in I decided not to pursue the issue that day and figured I'd leave it for the next day or that night. But I was then overtaken by a feeling of complete disgust. I felt like I had to take a shower just to get any trace of her essence off of my skin.

 

After the shower I just put my clothes on and got ready to leave. I made no conversation, nor did I even look at her. I hated her right then. She came over and sat on the bed as I was finishing up and she asked me if I wasn't going to eat someting first. I said no, and I walked off.

 

She says "Hey, don't I at least get a kiss?".

 

I didn't even look back as I walked out and said "No".

 

I barely made it past the corner of our street when she called my cell. I didn't answer. She then called over and over again, until I finally picked up. I'll spare the conversation, but at one point she says "If this marriage is going to work, we can't be hiding things from each other". I hung up, I stopped the car, turned around, called work and told them I wasn't coming in and I went straight back home.

 

I walked in and she sits down and asks me what's the matter. I said, "Tell me something .. and tell me the truth. Can you do that?"

 

She says "Yeah, of course. What is it?". I realized she had NO idea what was coming.

 

I said "Tell me the deal with Brian. And please tell me everything"

 

She looked down. And she actually said "Brian who? I don't know. What do you mean?"

 

I blew up. I told her I knew everything. I knew she had a fling with him and that she enjoyed sucking his cock.

 

I'll spare you all the blow by blow, but here were the highlights of a few hours of conversation (in order of appearance):

 

- That was so long ago

- We only had sex a few times and it was terrible

- I can't remember

- You did the same thing

- Why bring this up now?

- That was so long ago

- I can't remember

- Who told you?

- You did the same thing

 

I asked her why it ended. Of course I know he's the one who dumped her. She said she broke up with him (because she wanted to be with me). I leaned over and said "BULL and ****".

 

At that point she broke down crying and started with "I'm sorry". I did feel bad for her a few times for a few seconds. But that was it. I ranted for awhile at her but I could get no response from her except sobbing and "I'm sorry".

 

I slept as much as I could in my home office couch. She came over and tried to hug me but I told her not to come near me. That's it for now. **** knows what tomorrow brings.

 

It should be fun to see what the keylogger results are going to be now. I wonder if the friends she confided in after my D-Day actually knew the truth or just her version?

 

This was a ramble. I know I don't make a whole lot of sense right now. I'm frazzled. I'll update again when I got some rest.

Edited July 3, 2013 by ISayWhoa

[Pierre]

Ok, so I barely got much sleep last night and I'm up now. I give up on sleeping ..

 

I had a swirling mix of conflicting emotions that bounced my head from one end to the other all day. I went home at around noon as planned, but as I approached the house, I became overwhelmed by a feeling of extreme arousal mixed with a desperate anticipatory exitement. I wasn't planning to have sex with her, but I got a solid hard-on as a pulling in the driveway. I lost my head and I dragged her immediately to the bedroom. Again, it was passionate, but angry sex (for me). At one point, as she was getting ready to climax, I said "You like that, you ****ing whore?". This is NOT the way I talk, but oddly enough it seemed to increase the intensity of her orgasm. She looked at me in an odd way right afterwards, though.

 

This was not at all what I had planned. Given the state I was in I decided not to pursue the issue that day and figured I'd leave it for the next day or that night. But I was then overtaken by a feeling of complete disgust. I felt like I had to take a shower just to get any trace of her essence off of my skin.

 

After the shower I just put my clothes on and got ready to leave. I made no conversation, nor did I even look at her. I hated her right then. She came over and sat on the bed as I was finishing up and she asked me if I wasn't going to eat someting first. I said no, and I walked off.

 

She says "Hey, don't I at least get a kiss?".

 

I didn't even look back as I walked out and said "No".

 

I barely made it past the corner of our street when she called my cell. I didn't answer. She then called over and over again, until I finally picked up. I'll spare the conversation, but at one point she says "If this marriage is going to work, we can't be hiding things from each other". I hung up, I stopped the car, turned around, called work and told them I wasn't coming in and I went straight back home.

 

I walked in and she sits down and asks me what's the matter. I said, "Tell me something .. and tell me the truth. Can you do that?"

 

She says "Yeah, of course. What is it?". I realized she had NO idea what was coming.

 

I said "Tell me the deal with Brian. And please tell me everything"

 

She looked down. And she actually said "Brian who? I don't know. What do you mean?"

 

I blew up. I told her I knew everything. I knew she had a fling with him and that she enjoyed sucking his cock.

 

I'll spare you all the blow by blow, but here were the highlights of a few hours of conversation (in order of appearance):

 

- That was so long ago

- We only had sex a few times and it was terrible

- I can't remember

- You did the same thing

- Why bring this up now?

- That was so long ago

- I can't remember

- Who told you?

- You did the same thing

 

I asked her why it ended. Of course I know he's the one who dumped her. She said she broke up with him (because she wanted to be with me). I leaned over and said "BULL and ****".

 

At that point she broke down crying and started with "I'm sorry". I did feel bad for her a few times for a few seconds. But that was it. I ranted for awhile at her but I could get no response from her except sobbing and "I'm sorry".

 

I slept as much as I could in my home office couch. She came over and tried to hug me but I told her not to come near me. That's it for now. **** knows what tomorrow brings.

 

It should be fun to see what the keylogger results are going to be now. I wonder if the friends she confided in after my D-Day actually knew the truth or just her version?

 

This was a ramble. I know I don't make a whole lot of sense right now. I'm frazzled. I'll update again when I got some rest.

 

It seems you have hysterical bonding (HB) mixed in with your anger.

 

I suspect your wife gets turned on by attention and validation. Your sexual desire validates her. That is why many women have affairs, they seek external validation.

 

Keep that logger in place.

 

Not easy to make decisions while having HB.

 

Good luck. I hope you find nothing.

 

BTW, her reply was as expected.

[beatcuff]

i read the entire thread. it appears your conversation with W is similar to this thread. IT IS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

 

what is your end game? do you even have one?

 

it appears you are simply on a power trip. you want to destroy her (have sex then walk away).

 

if you want D continue, she will leave you. and i would guess a judge would crucify you (you both had affairs around the same time, but your recent actions would weigh heavily).

 

if you want M apologize for 'yesterday' and have a serious conversation NO YELLING about what she did and her reaction to your A (she is still very wrong about that).

 

i can appreciate your anger but you are acting like a child.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I agree with Pierre; her response was expected, though I'm a tad disappointed. You'd think with the way you bluntly confronted her, she'd have the good sense to just come clean entirely.

 

Given all the hell she put you through with your affair, I actually can't believe she used the "but you did it, too!" line.

 

Actually, I can; she was grasping at straws.

 

I'm guessing your hysterical bonding is some sort of primal way to reclaim what's "yours", so to speak.

 

Your pain and anger are understandable, OP. You're fully justified in that. Once your head clears a little, you need to decide what course of action you need/want to take. Chances are, she is sorry. Maybe just because she got caught....but maybe, just maybe it was a relief. You said her demeanor has been changing, like she knew a storm was coming? Perhaps she was afraid...maybe she wanted to tell the truth, or wanted it to come out. Chances are though? She had no idea it would come out the way it did.

[Pierre]

i read the entire thread. it appears your conversation with W is similar to this thread. IT IS ALL OVER THE PLACE.

 

what is your end game? do you even have one?

 

it appears you are simply on a power trip. you want to destroy her (have sex then walk away).

 

if you want D continue, she will leave you. and i would guess a judge would crucify you (you both had affairs around the same time, but your recent actions would weigh heavily).

 

if you want M apologize for 'yesterday' and have a serious conversation NO YELLING about what she did and her reaction to your A (she is still very wrong about that).

 

i can appreciate your anger but you are acting like a child.

 

 

Sometimes cheaters or those that have never been in a long term marriage are unable to understand the pain of betrayal and deceit.

 

 

I disagree with the above. I believe the OP is doing as well as can be expected.

[grassisorisntgreener]

Sometimes cheaters or those that have never been in a long term marriage are unable to understand the pain of betrayal and deceit.

 

 

I disagree with the above. I believe the OP is doing as well as can be expected.

 

 

I agree. And also, knowing that she made him feel awful about his own affair for years, knowing she did the same thing, would infuriate me.

[aliveagain]

Her initial response should tell you that she is still not honest. She denied knowing him, she could have just told you the truth as she promised. Something wrong with her concept of what is the truth specially as it relates to her. You are angry just like any betrayed spouse would be having just learned of their spouse's infidelity. She attempted to minimize her infidelity by reminding you of yours. Hers happened first and she knows this. When the infidelity happened doesn't matter, you just found out, your pain is fresh while she has had years to deal with hers. She has had years to prepare her response to you if discovered. This is the very point that every Wayward on this site that is yet to be discovered needs to understand, it doesn't matter when the discovery happens, the pain is the same for the betrayed spouse.

 

You now need all the truth from her, don't reveal your sources as to how you found out. Have her prepare a timeline of the events listing every detail that occurred including who knew. You will need to explain what you need from her for your healing, your boundaries and the consequences if they are broken and get her into counseling immediately, she has a huge problem with honesty. The councilor you select should have a strong background in infidelity. Have them advise you as to when marriage counseling should start, they may want to work with you individually first. Do not accept anything in the way of blame shifting, she needs to own this before you can move forward. Watch for her activity on the key logger. Stay strong.

[Pierre]

I agree with Pierre; her response was expected, though I'm a tad disappointed. You'd think with the way you bluntly confronted her, she'd have the good sense to just come clean entirely.

 

Given all the hell she put you through with your affair, I actually can't believe she used the "but you did it, too!" line.

 

Actually, I can; she was grasping at straws.

 

I'm guessing your hysterical bonding is some sort of primal way to reclaim what's "yours", so to speak.

 

Your pain and anger are understandable, OP. You're fully justified in that. Once your head clears a little, you need to decide what course of action you need/want to take. Chances are, she is sorry. Maybe just because she got caught....but maybe, just maybe it was a relief. You said her demeanor has been changing, like she knew a storm was coming? Perhaps she was afraid...maybe she wanted to tell the truth, or wanted it to come out. Chances are though? She had no idea it would come out the way it did.

 

 

Most people minimize the affair; at most they only talk about the tip of the iceberg.

 

I don't think the wife is a bad person. I think she thrives on external validation and for some there is nothing more validating than to be sexually desired. I suspect the wife is turned on when she sees the lust in the eyes of the OP.

 

OP has decisions to make. The main issue here is:

 

Is the wife simply enslaved by external validation and is other wise a good person who cheated once. Or-------is the wife simply a chronic cheater that has done this during the entire marriage?

 

The logger may provide the answers.

[aliveagain]

What We know for sure is that his wife was not a good person at the time of her affaire. Had the OM not dumped her and instead showed her love, who can speculate what her actions would have been, would she have left you for him? Perhaps. What you don't want is to treat her how she treated you after your discovery. Your always strongest at the time of confrontation, tell her what she needs to do for you to keep the marriage, she may not see things the same way in three weeks.