Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[JustAReformedGirl]

 

Also, calling her a name is not the end of the world. People do it all the time and it is perfectly natural response to a situation like this.

 

Cheating/being cheated on isn't the end of the world either, but it can certainly make someone feel like it is.

 

The point I'm making is simple; getting called that name by anyone-a stranger, or someone that you know hates you-quite a different bag of cats than when someone you've known and love for a long time says it. He's never called her a whore before; it likely would have been a shock.

 

However, I'm not attacking the OP; he reacted in a way that even he hadn't anticipated.

[Pierre]

Cheating/being cheated on isn't the end of the world either, but it can certainly make someone feel like it is.

 

The point I'm making is simple; getting called that name by anyone-a stranger, or someone that you know hates you-quite a different bag of cats than when someone you've known and love for a long time says it. He's never called her a whore before; it likely would have been a shock.

 

However, I'm not attacking the OP; he reacted in a way that even he hadn't anticipated.

 

Infidelity happens all the time. If there was such a thing as infidelity without deceit I could do it all the time. My big issue is the deceit, the lies, and the gaslighting.

 

 

What really matters is what happens in the aftermath. Some people are truly remorseful and are probably nothing more that very unhappy individuals with low self esteem trying to find external validation outside the marriage. And the quest for validation is so strong that they become unethical. If I was married to a person like this I would actually feel sorry for her even if she was the unfaithful one. In the end the infidelity has nothing to do with the other spouse.

 

If the wife of OP is truly remorseful and if she is nothing more than a woman with low self esteem in search of validation I would stay in the mariage. I don't know the wife of OP, but I suspect she is probably a good woman and wife that needs heavy duty attention to survive.

 

OTOH, if the wife of OP is a philanderer who refuses to acknowledge wrongdoing I would be leaning towards a divorce. These are the people that rationalize till the cows come home and are so insecure that they cannot tolerate accepting they did something wrong. They justify and justify all day long and to top it off have no empathy. These are the folks that classify the pain of the betrayed spouse as an exaggeration.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Infidelity happens all the time. If there was such a thing as infidelity without deceit I could do it all the time. My big issue is the deceit, the lies, and the gaslighting.

 

It certainly happens a lot more than I would have originally guessed, before beginning my own research. It still doesn't diminish what the BS feels, though. Just out of curiosity, why would the infidelity itself not be an issue for you?

 

 

 

If the wife of OP is truly remorseful and if she is nothing more than a woman

with low self esteem in search of validation I would stay in the mariage. I

don't know the wife of OP, but I suspect she is probably a good woman and wife

that needs heavy duty attention to survive.

 

I'm not sure what to think of her; all we know is the information the OP has provided. I'm not calling his info into question, just merely pointing out there's a lot we don't know about her.

 

OTOH, if the wife of OP is a philanderer who refuses to acknowledge wrongdoing I would be leaning towards a divorce. These are the people that rationalize till the cows come home and are so insecure that they cannot tolerate accepting they did something wrong. They justify and justify all day long and to top it off have no empathy. These are the folks that classify the pain of the betrayed spouse as an exaggeration.

 

I have a bad feeling the wife of OP leans more toward this description, but I don't think she really belongs to one category over the other. More like she's closer to this side of the scale. But, that's just my interpretation.

 

I hope the OP finds out whatever else he needs to. I do feel badly for him, given all he's been through.

[ISayWhoa]

Last night we went late into the night with trying to get explanations. I never restored all the old emails to her PC, so she really couldn't remember what she had or had not written. I simply showed her a hefty stack of printouts and let her know I already had the answers to most of the questions I was asking. The main questions I had was:

 

1) Why did it happen? To her credit, she didn't blame me. She just said that being in a different environment surrounded by like minded people made her feel safe to do this. She was attracted to this guy and at first thought she would just do it "once".

 

2) Were there any others? She says no. I only half believe that.

 

3) How do I know I'm not the backup guy? What if he contacts her again, why would she not go to him? Although she assured me that I'm better and that she prefers me if she had to make the choice ... I can't believe her. I mean what else is she going to say? If there's anything that will keep me from moving forward, it's this.

 

4) Why beat me up about cheating when she did the same? She claims that she was going to tell me about hers, but she was so hurt by mine, that she focused on that. Then, according to her, once a few weeks had gone by, she felt it was already too late to confess without serious backlash. So she procrastinated forever. I suppose I can understand that, but it still doesn't explain her raking me over the coals for so long. If she was going to stay quiet, she could have at least taken it much easier on me.

 

5) Oral sex? At first she tried to say she can't remember doing that. Finally after I read email out loud, she admitted it. She claimed she didn't like doing it. So I had to read the part where not only she claims to have extraordinary oral skills, but she offers him oral sex for their next encounter. Finally she said she felt she needed to use sex to keep him. This part really sickened me.

 

After my affair She had told 3 of her female friends, one of which suggested she leave me. I had called the other two to assure them they shouldn't feel awkward around us and that it was all my fault and I working to make things right. Turns out one of them knew about her cheating. The others did not. I told her she needs to contact them and set the record straight. She nodded, but I'm not convinced.

 

Now some of you understand exactly what my issue is, and some of you don't. The issue here is NOT the cheating itself. Had she told me early on, it would have been a whole other story.

 

But for the past 6 years, I've been carrying this guilt, this weight, because I was a scumbag cheater who was so fortunate to have a wife willing to give him a sevond chance. This is guilt and the self image that goes with it that I thought about every day.

 

But she did the same, checked out of marriage and had the temerity to beat me up with the baton I supplied her through my own infidelity. And I feel like not only was she probably laughing to herself inside, I imagine that the OM was too. She kept him with her as her private protected secret for 7 years. It feels like she had a part of her that belonged only to him for all that time.

 

Frankly, right now, I want a D. Nothing she can possibly do will ever fix this.

[dichotomy]

Many of us have heard similar excuses and rationale. Its total BS.

 

Last night we went late into the night with trying to get explanations. I never restored all the old emails to her PC, so she really couldn't remember what she had or had not written. I simply showed her a hefty stack of printouts and let her know I already had the answers to most of the questions I was asking. The main questions I had was:

 

1) Why did it happen? To her credit, she didn't blame me. She just said that being in a different environment surrounded by like minded people made her feel safe to do this. She was attracted to this guy and at first thought she would just do it "once".

 

Uh huh....it was the other like minded people that made me do it. Whats the difference between wanting to do it ONCE and 50 times? She wanted to do it.

 

2) Were there any others? She says no. I only half believe that.

 

She wanted to do it once, why not more? You got into the key loggers and see what else she said or did ? assuming she has not already gone into her other accounts and deleted all other emails and private messages...now that you confronted her.

 

3) How do I know I'm not the backup guy? What if he contacts her again, why would she not go to him? Although she assured me that I'm better and that she prefers me if she had to make the choice ... I can't believe her. I mean what else is she going to say? If there's anything that will keep me from moving forward, it's this.

 

Of course your the back up guy...he dumped her, thats why it stopped - not cause your better or she felt guilty.

 

4) Why beat me up about cheating when she did the same? She claims that she was going to tell me about hers, but she was so hurt by mine, that she focused on that. Then, according to her, once a few weeks had gone by, she felt it was already too late to confess without serious backlash. So she procrastinated forever. I suppose I can understand that, but it still doesn't explain her raking me over the coals for so long. If she was going to stay quiet, she could have at least taken it much easier on me.

 

My hurt is more important than your hurt. Your accountability more important than mine. She was afraid of backlash - no she was afraid of the accountability and work SHE would have to do.

 

5) Oral sex? At first she tried to say she can't remember doing that. Finally after I read email out loud, she admitted it. She claimed she didn't like doing it. So I had to read the part where not only she claims to have extraordinary oral skills, but she offers him oral sex for their next encounter. Finally she said she felt she needed to use sex to keep him. This part really sickened me.

 

No did not like it, only did it to get him... um sure...but okay lets stay with this line of defense .... so he was so important to her that she put HIS needs and HIS pleasure above her own ...she wanted to please HIM and attract HIM and keep HIM interested. Guess she doesn't want to please and keep you does she? Her needs are more important than yours in this marriage. Guess what ISayWhoa, if you divorce this woman she is going to be blowing EVERY guy she gets into bed with - guaranteed - and she will tell them how much she loves doing it just like she did with Brian.

 

After my affair She had told 3 of her female friends, one of which suggested she leave me. I had called the other two to assure them they shouldn't feel awkward around us and that it was all my fault and I working to make things right. Turns out one of them knew about her cheating. The others did not. I told her she needs to contact them and set the record straight. She nodded, but I'm not convinced.

 

No she won't do it, she will claim its too late, her friends wont understand her change of heart, there is no point.... but what she is saying again is I don't want to be held accountable for my actions by you or anyone. Her image, and her unwillingness to do what it takes..

 

 

 

Frankly, right now, I want a D. Nothing she can possibly do will ever fix this.

 

 

Yep - unless she is about to blow you away with her efforts and do what ever it takes - forget it. She is only concerned about herself, not saving the marriage.

 

Edited July 4, 2013 by dichotomy

[Scrivdog]

I don't care what anybody says - but deep down we all know the truth: a cheating wife is worse than a cheating husband.

 

In this case, the damage is nuclear. She declined sex with her husband so that she could perform sexual acts on another guy - things she wouldn't dream of doing with her husband. This draws that line that once you cross, you just can't come back from. The OM was "her man"- leaving hubby warming the bench. She gave of herself things the husband couldn't have - to another.

 

There is just no way in hell to undo that damage. Stick a fork in this marriage - it's done.

Edited July 4, 2013 by Scrivdog

[Mickey_Fitzpatrick]

1) Why did it happen? To her credit, she didn't blame me. She just said that being in a different environment surrounded by like minded people made her feel safe to do this. She was attracted to this guy and at first thought she would just do it "once".

 

Take this with a grain of salt. This isn't even really an explanation.

 

2) Were there any others? She says no. I only half believe that.

 

Was there another time before then or since then when her behavior was "off"? You found quite a few emails with this guy, and with her friends, but no mention (especially in the emails with the friends) of ever having done this before? Those facts lend themselves to support her claim of this being the only affair. Then again, that's not much to go on. Schedule a polygraph and go through with it. In such cases, it's not uncommon for the cheater to confess on their way to the polygraph or in the parking lot heading in to the polygraph.

 

3) How do I know I'm not the backup guy? What if he contacts her again, why would she not go to him? Although she assured me that I'm better and that she prefers me if she had to make the choice ... I can't believe her. I mean what else is she going to say? If there's anything that will keep me from moving forward, it's this.

 

It's obvious you WERE the backup guy back then. She said as much in her email to her friend, saying she didn't love you and was going to leave you. She showed it by giving this guy oral while withholding it from you, and by telling him she loved him. She had it bad for this guy, she pursued him to the point of being annoying to him. You're still married to her, he only had to deal with her part time, with her throwing herself at him and doing any sexual thing he wanted, and he STILL tossed her aside because she just wasn't that good.

 

It's safe to say, though, if she has stayed with you since and has not cheated on you, has made an effort to improve the marriage, that you are NOT the backup guy now. You are number one to her now. What I find most troubling is that she doesn't do oral for you when she knows that it pleases you. Obviously it is not THAT bad for her if she was willing to do it for the other guy. Then again, I completely buy in that the only reason she did it for him was to keep him, not that she enjoyed it, despite what she wrote in any emails.

 

When reading the emails, I think you can believe 100% anything she wrote to her friends about the affair or about her feelings for you - at least that was how she felt at the time she wrote them. I don't think you can believe what she wrote to the other man, because she was desperate to keep him interested, and likely went over the top to do so. You already have seen lies she told him to make herself look better.

 

Based on what you've posted, assume this: At the time, she was infatuated with other man, and she would have left you to explore a relationship with him. Keep in mind that she did not leave you, never asked for a divorce, never asked for a separation. At the time, it was all the re-writing of history in her mind, seeing other man as being perfect (or close to it), and being confused about being so attracted and excited by this other guy she let herself get too close to.

 

4) Why beat me up about cheating when she did the same? She claims that she was going to tell me about hers, but she was so hurt by mine, that she focused on that. Then, according to her, once a few weeks had gone by, she felt it was already too late to confess without serious backlash. So she procrastinated forever. I suppose I can understand that, but it still doesn't explain her raking me over the coals for so long. If she was going to stay quiet, she could have at least taken it much easier on me.

 

Why? It helped her. It was to her benefit. She is selfish. Even without her affair, I can tell you that she is very selfish. For most of us, there are things we don't prefer to do, that we find unpleasant, that we wouldn't do, except that we know they please our spouse, or our children, or someone close to us - so we do them. Maybe it is going to the opera. Maybe it is cleaning the windows. Maybe it is oral sex. If you look at your marriage, I think you will find that you have ALWAYS put more into it, always done more for your wife than she has been willing to do for you. I doubt that the oral sex is the only thing like this.

 

5) Oral sex? At first she tried to say she can't remember doing that. Finally after I read email out loud, she admitted it. She claimed she didn't like doing it. So I had to read the part where not only she claims to have extraordinary oral skills, but she offers him oral sex for their next encounter. Finally she said she felt she needed to use sex to keep him. This part really sickened me.

 

This is maybe the only thing she said that I truly believe.

 

One thing I would suggest, though, is that if she did it to keep him, she can do it to keep you. Of course, that is completely the wrong attitude, but I can't help it. The correct answer is that really, she should want to do it for you from time to time, even though she doesn't like it, just because YOU like it. That is what a loving spouse would do.

 

After my affair She had told 3 of her female friends, one of which suggested she leave me. I had called the other two to assure them they shouldn't feel awkward around us and that it was all my fault and I working to make things right. Turns out one of them knew about her cheating. The others did not. I told her she needs to contact them and set the record straight. She nodded, but I'm not convinced.

 

Ask her to tell them in front of you. She should be doing this today. What is the point of waiting? You've waited long enough for her to do the right thing. As she said, she procrastinated forever in telling you about the affair. Time to put up or shut up, time to finally do the right thing.

 

Now some of you understand exactly what my issue is, and some of you don't. The issue here is NOT the cheating itself. Had she told me early on, it would have been a whole other story.

 

But for the past 6 years, I've been carrying this guilt, this weight, because I was a scumbag cheater who was so fortunate to have a wife willing to give him a sevond chance. This is guilt and the self image that goes with it that I thought about every day.

 

But she did the same, checked out of marriage and had the temerity to beat me up with the baton I supplied her through my own infidelity. And I feel like not only was she probably laughing to herself inside, I imagine that the OM was too. She kept him with her as her private protected secret for 7 years. It feels like she had a part of her that belonged only to him for all that time.

 

Frankly, right now, I want a D. Nothing she can possibly do will ever fix.

 

She likely kept it secret, not out of loyalty to other man, but because of selfishness: 1-she didn't want to face you and deal with your fallout; 2-she didn't want to admit she had done wrong; 3-she didn't want to risk her reputation with family and friends who might find out if she had confessed.

 

I agree, the cheating, the lying, the betrayal, and all the cruelty that those things entail can never be fixed. It is not something you will ever forget. Your wife could proactively show you how sorry she is, tell her friends without you asking, start offering you oral sex, start putting you first in the other areas of your relationship where I'm sure she only always has put herself first. But it appears that your wife is only going to do the minimum that you absolutely force her to do. If you want her to do anything, you are going to tell her how you feel and what you want.

[Pierre]

1) Why did it happen? To her credit, she didn't blame me. She just said that being in a different environment surrounded by like minded people made her feel safe to do this. She was attracted to this guy and at first thought she would just do it "once".

 

For many it is simply "opportunity" and a low risk of being caught. These are people that have a tendency to cheat and will cheat if the opportunity is there. This cheating has nothing to do with the state of the marriage. The attraction is normal. All married people feel attraction for others. Most of the time these feelings are ignored unless there is a heavy duty need for external validation. I suspect your wife loves attention.

 

The other requisite to cheat is to be able to lie or live in two compartments.

 

 

2) Were there any others? She says no. I only half believe that.

 

IMHO, this is all about opportunity. Some get many opportunities that they cannot turn down. Some only get 1-2 opportunities depending on what they do or where they work.

 

3) How do I know I'm not the backup guy? What if he contacts her again, why would she not go to him? Although she assured me that I'm better and that she prefers me if she had to make the choice ... I can't believe her. I mean what else is she going to say? If there's anything that will keep me from moving forward, it's this.

 

I don't believe you were back up guy. I don't think she ever planned to leave the marriage. This was nothing more than cake eating even if she had feelings (most of the time there are feelings). Choosing a mate for an affair is mostly opportunity. She was not planning on leaving you, this was not an exit affair. This was simply cheating for the sake of cheating.

 

4) Why beat me up about cheating when she did the same? She claims that she was going to tell me about hers, but she was so hurt by mine, that she focused on that. Then, according to her, once a few weeks had gone by, she felt it was already too late to confess without serious backlash. So she procrastinated forever. I suppose I can understand that, but it still doesn't explain her raking me over the coals for so long. If she was going to stay quiet, she could have at least taken it much easier on me.

 

I actually believe her story here. No one is more threatened by cheating than a cheater. The cheater is inherently very insecure and the thought of being cheated on is devastating for them. So there is a paradox with cheaters and they can act VERY indignant when they are the recipient of infidelity.

 

 

5) Oral sex? At first she tried to say she can't remember doing that. Finally after I read email out loud, she admitted it. She claimed she didn't like doing it. So I had to read the part where not only she claims to have extraordinary oral skills, but she offers him oral sex for their next encounter. Finally she said she felt she needed to use sex to keep him. This part really sickened me.

 

Some cheaters seek admiration, approval, validation, attention, etc. When the two adulterers get together they have the same goals. They want to show each other they are the best. They want to be remembered as been awesome in bed. It is true when they say cheaters only present the best side to the other cheater.

 

After my affair She had told 3 of her female friends, one of which suggested she leave me. I had called the other two to assure them they shouldn't feel awkward around us and that it was all my fault and I working to make things right. Turns out one of them knew about her cheating. The others did not. I told her she needs to contact them and set the record straight. She nodded, but I'm not convinced.

 

She humiliate you with the friend that knew the whole deal. She made you look like a fool and had no issues with that. This is the lack of empathy component that many cheaters have. They cannot see the damage they cause to others.

 

But for the past 6 years, I've been carrying this guilt, this weight, because I was a scumbag cheater who was so fortunate to have a wife willing to give him a sevond chance. This is guilt and the self image that goes with it that I thought about every day.

 

She enjoyed seeing you like this. Your enormous guilt was nothing more than external validation for her. That is why she allowed your contrition. You validated her with your remorse. Validation is the only thing that keeps her happy.

 

But she did the same, checked out of marriage and had the temerity to beat me up with the baton I supplied her through my own infidelity. And I feel like not only was she probably laughing to herself inside, I imagine that the OM was too. She kept him with her as her private protected secret for 7 years. It feels like she had a part of her that belonged only to him for all that time.

 

Frankly, right now, I want a D. Nothing she can possibly do will ever fix this.

 

I get that. How old are you?

 

Can you live with her knowing she is fully capable of deceiving you even if she loves you? This is the deal: She can deceive those that she loves to fulfill her need for validation. She lacks empathy and with the lack of empathy she can proceed with the cheating.

 

Good luck

 

Keep us posted

[aliveagain]

You do not have to decide anything about leaving or staying just now, could you imagine if she had listened to the friend that told her to leave you? Don't make an important decision about your marriage in anger, give yourself time, watch her actions. One absolute condition for reconciliation should be independent counseling for her, the reason's she gave for perusing(appears she was the aggressor) the affair and OM aren't deep enough. She needs to get to the root problem, the part in her that is broken or this could happen again during the next speed bump in your marriage. What does "being around like minded people" mean, were they married and cheating on their husbands? If that is the case what do you do with that information, do you tell the husbands? Like minded tells me that these women also have boundary issues, are they still her friends, they are not friends of the marriage. You need to be present or on a phone extension when she tells them that you caught her.

 

She needs to send a No Contact Letter to her affair partner, is he married? Was he married at the time? He needs to be made aware that you know everything, there needs to be a consequence for him. Seven years is not a long time, she may still have feelings for him, you need to kill that. You should talk to a lawyer regardless of your decision to work through this or not, you need to know your rights. You are in different places now than you were 7 years ago, I didn't read anywhere if you have children or not, they would be a huge factor now. Take your time, do things right and not out of anger. It's hard to find out that your wife may have been the aggressor.

[JustAReformedGirl]

 

1) Why did it happen? To her credit, she didn't blame me. She just said that being in a different environment surrounded by like minded people made her feel safe to do this. She was attracted to this guy and at first thought she would just do it "once".

 

Glad she didn't point the blame at you. I think I actually believe this half-assed explanation of hers. More so for the "only once" aspect.

 

2) Were there any others? She says no. I only half believe that.

 

Given the seven years of deception, I don't blame you for not believing her. That's not to say she isn't telling the truth; she might be. But you are well within your rights to not trust her so easily, after all of this.

 

3) How do I know I'm not the backup guy? What if he contacts her again, why

would she not go to him? Although she assured me that I'm better and that she

prefers me if she had to make the choice ... I can't believe her. I mean what

else is she going to say? If there's anything that will keep me from moving

forward, it's this.

 

Don't allow this part to keep you trapped; whatever decision you come to, make sure it's what you want, and that you won't regret it. That was a very long-running lie; at this point, she would probably say most anything to keep you from acting on your first impulse. I agree that you shouldn't act on your first impulse-but not for her; for you.

 

4) Why beat me up about cheating when she did the same? She claims that she was

going to tell me about hers, but she was so hurt by mine, that she focused on

that. Then, according to her, once a few weeks had gone by, she felt it was

already too late to confess without serious backlash. So she procrastinated

forever. I suppose I can understand that, but it still doesn't explain her

raking me over the coals for so long. If she was going to stay quiet, she could

have at least taken it much easier on me.

 

Oh, I can believe this one; it's still half-assed and a weak excuse at best, but I can believe she feared the backlash. Of course, the backlash is much worse now, than if she'd confessed earlier.

 

 

After my affair She had told 3 of her female friends, one of which suggested she

leave me. I had called the other two to assure them they shouldn't feel awkward

around us and that it was all my fault and I working to make things right. Turns

out one of them knew about her cheating. The others did not. I told her she

needs to contact them and set the record straight. She nodded, but I'm not

convinced.

 

I only agree with this if you plan on reconciling with her; you state (at the end of this post) that you want a divorce. I see no point in her having to confess to these other friends, aside to set the record straight. So, if you're not going to reconcile, leave it to her whether she tells them, or not. Of course, you could always fill them in, in the case of D. If you decide to reconcile (I can't imagine that you would, but if you do) then you can hover over the phone as she tells them of her f*ck up. That way you'll know it's done.

 

Now some of you understand exactly what my issue is, and some of you don't. The

issue here is NOT the cheating itself. Had she told me early on, it would have

been a whole other story.

 

It's the seven years of deception while mercilessly raking you over the coals. Most of us know, and sympathize/empathize.

 

 

 

Frankly, right now, I want a D. Nothing she can possibly do will ever fix this.

 

You have every right to go for a D, if you so wish it. I only advise that you make this decision with a cool head.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I don't care what anybody says - but deep down we all know the truth: a cheating wife is worse than a cheating husband.

 

I'm sorry....what? Care to explain how?

 

In this case, the damage is nuclear. She declined sex with her husband so that she could perform sexual acts on another guy - things she wouldn't dream of doing with her husband. This draws that line that once you cross, you just can't come back from. The OM was "her man"- leaving hubby warming the bench. She gave of herself things the husband couldn't have - to another.

 

There is just no way in hell to undo that damage. Stick a fork in this marriage - it's done.

 

I certainly agree with this assessment, of this particular case-but you fail to explain how a cheating wife is worse. I really hope your logic isn't based in some ass-backwards gender-role crap, because if it is, it has no basis in fact.

[beach]

Do you think she is sorry she cheated?

 

Or just sorry she got caught?

 

 

When i answered that question - it lead to me ending my marriage.

[Scrivdog]

I'm sorry....what? Care to explain how?

 

 

 

I certainly agree with this assessment, of this particular case-but you fail to explain how a cheating wife is worse. I really hope your logic isn't based in some ass-backwards gender-role crap, because if it is, it has no basis in fact.

 

Sure thing, sweetheart. The endless posts on these boards have a couple of common themes which sound like cliches.

 

The first is that married men never leave their wives for the OW. They rarely do, even if they let the affair partners think so. Why? They're still loyal to the wife. He may be enjoying sexual attentions on the side, but the wife remains in #1 position -a fact that causes many an OW to boil a rabbit.

 

Women cheaters almost always think they found "the one", the missing soulmate. And so the husband is pretty quickly relegated to #2 position until he he gets his balls back and leaves, or like in this case, she gets dumped. In any case, you almost never hear about single guys fuming because their married AP won't leave the husband.

 

So laws of nature being what they are make it so that the cheating wife commits a deeper betrayal to the marriage than the cheating husband. But you all knew this already.

[Pierre]

Sure thing, sweetheart. The endless posts on these boards have a couple of common themes which sound like cliches.

 

The first is that married men never leave their wives for the OW. They rarely do, even if they let the affair partners think so. Why? They're still loyal to the wife. He may be enjoying sexual attentions on the side, but the wife remains in #1 position -a fact that causes many an OW to boil a rabbit.

 

Women cheaters almost always think they found "the one", the missing soulmate. And so the husband is pretty quickly relegated to #2 position until he he gets his balls back and leaves, or like in this case, she gets dumped. In any case, you almost never hear about single guys fuming because their married AP won't leave the husband.

 

So laws of nature being what they are make it so that the cheating wife commits a deeper betrayal to the marriage than the cheating husband. But you all knew this already.

 

I have to agree with this post.

 

There are exceptions to the rule and on the OW/OM forum you sometimes find OMs that behave, act, and feel just like the OWs in deep love. I feel weird when I read the stories because they don't seem to post like most men do.

 

By the same token women that have affairs to get a different penis are uncommon, but there are a few here and there.

 

I suspect the MOW of OP was probably big time in love and just not screwing around. Nevertheless, I see some hope for the marriage if the MOW is truly remorseful and if she cheated only once. I also hope the MOW is one of those women that are starving for validation. These women will fall for whoever meets that need. This is one need that can easily be covered by the H.

[beach]

I would want to know why he ended it. I'd also want to know how SHE felt when her affair ended! That answer may tell you IF she's willing to be honest NOW!

 

IF she doesn't say she felt depressed or sad about HIM ending it - when she didn't intend to end THAT relationship - she's is just still a liar.

[janedoe67]

Sure thing, sweetheart. The endless posts on these boards have a couple of common themes which sound like cliches.

 

The first is that married men never leave their wives for the OW. They rarely do, even if they let the affair partners think so. Why? They're still loyal to the wife. He may be enjoying sexual attentions on the side, but the wife remains in #1 position -a fact that causes many an OW to boil a rabbit.

 

Women cheaters almost always think they found "the one", the missing soulmate. And so the husband is pretty quickly relegated to #2 position until he he gets his balls back and leaves, or like in this case, she gets dumped. In any case, you almost never hear about single guys fuming because their married AP won't leave the husband.

 

So laws of nature being what they are make it so that the cheating wife commits a deeper betrayal to the marriage than the cheating husband. But you all knew this already.

 

I'm not sure about the levels of betrayal, but after having been a WW myself and having observed quite a few WW's, I have to say I see his point. In the years I have been on forums, it seems that a WH is more likely to end an A when caught, and when he says he is sorry....he is REALLY sorry. WW's tend to whine about not being able to end it, tend to hang onto their justifications longer - sometimes even years after ending the A, and tend to have a MUCH harder team being actually humble and broken. I almost never see a WH post with a flippant or almost "proud" attitude about his A....but I have been disgusted to read quite a few WW's stories where they seem almost proud of their A's and ready to fight back if someone indicates that they should feel remorseful in a way that might inconvenience them. They also tend to hang onto the bitterness about whatever made them unhappy pre-affair.

 

So I fully believe a BH/WW situation is a lot tougher to resolve than a BW/WH situation.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Sure thing, sweetheart. The endless posts on these boards have a couple of common themes which sound like cliches.

 

The first is that married men never leave their wives for the OW.

 

I wouldn't say never. This is kind of like the "if a tree falls in the middle of the forest, and no one's around" argument. Just because you don't hear about it as often (or at all) doesn't mean it doesn't occur.

 

 

They rarely do, even if they let the affair partners think so. Why?

They're still loyal to the wife.

 

Rarely is not synonymous with "never". And I'm sorry...I have just fallen prey to a fit of laughter. Still....loyal? If they are truly so loyal, why commit adultery at all? A loyal man wouldn't cheat in the first place. Maybe he feels more loyalty to the wife vs. the OW, but that doesn't actually mean he's loyal. He's more afraid of change and the consequences that come with it, more often than not.

 

 

He may be enjoying sexual attentions on the side, but the wife remains in

#1 position -a fact that causes many an OW to boil a rabbit.

 

I'm sure that comes as such a comfort to the BWs in those situations. "Oh, he's screwing around on the side, but it's okay, because I'm still more important". Please, do give one example in which a mentally stable BW has said that. If you can, I'll concede the point.

 

Women cheaters almost always think they found "the one", the missing soulmate.

 

Again, "almost always" is not the same as "always". And I still don't see how that's more of a betrayal than a cheating man just seeking sex on the side. Male or female, cheating is cheating. Individual circumstances may be worse, but saying it's worse when women do it vs. men? Nuh-uh. I don't buy the bullsh*t you're trying to spoon-feed me, here.

 

 

And so the husband is pretty quickly relegated to #2 position until he he gets

his balls back and leaves, or like in this case, she gets dumped. In any case,

you almost never hear about single guys fuming because their married AP won't

leave the husband.

 

Actually, I've seen cases on here of the male AP being upset. Even if I hadn't, even if we never hear of it-doesn't mean it doesn't occur.

 

So laws of nature being what they are make it so that the cheating wife commits a deeper betrayal to the marriage than the cheating husband. But you all knew this already.

 

You're so confident that your opinion is correct, are you? Sorry, I really disagree; betrayal is betrayal, whether it's done by a man or a woman, regardless of the reasons.

 

You come off as a misogynist. I pity your narrow scope of reality.

[whodat]

Considering what I've read about Rebel's personal situation, her reply seems pretty predictable. I want badly to agree that betrayal is betrayal regardless of gender but Scrivdog makes some great points.

 

Could we all agree that if the WS reduces the BS to 2nd position, regardless of gender, the betrayal is the worst possible? If this typically happens more often with WW than WH then I would have to agree that a cheating wife is worse than a cheating husband, as per Scrivdog.

 

You're right Rebel "almost always is not always" BUT it doesn't have to be. We live by generalizations of "almost always" and I think its safe to say we all live our lives this way whether you care to admit it or not. Do we not stick with relationships even if they aren't "always" great but "generally" worthwhile?

[Pierre]

Considering what I've read about Rebel's personal situation, her reply seems pretty predictable. I want badly to agree that betrayal is betrayal regardless of gender but Scrivdog makes some great points.

 

Could we all agree that if the WS reduces the BS to 2nd position, regardless of gender, the betrayal is the worst possible? If this typically happens more often with WW than WH then I would have to agree that a cheating wife is worse than a cheating husband, as per Scrivdog.

 

You're right Rebel "almost always is not always" BUT it doesn't have to be. We live by generalizations of "almost always" and I think its safe to say we all live our lives this way whether you care to admit it or not. Do we not stick with relationships even if they aren't "always" great but "generally" worthwhile?

 

Yes

 

Generalizations are often based on truth.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Considering what I've read about Rebel's personal situation, her reply seems pretty predictable. I want badly to agree that betrayal is betrayal regardless of gender but Scrivdog makes some great points.

 

I can't wait for the day I get to PM. I hate that I'm thread jacking, but I can't just ignore everything said. I'm not sure what you mean, by my response being predictable based on my personal situation. By all accounts, I'm not bringing my issue into this; I spoke from the state of mind that, regardless of my own issue, I didn't agree with Scrivdog's assessment. I'm not saying he didn't make any valid points. I don't agree that the cheating wife is worse than the cheating husband. In the OP's case of course, his wife has done worse, has gone further.

 

Could we all agree that if the WS reduces the BS to 2nd position, regardless of

gender, the betrayal is the worst possible?

 

I would agree with that most amicably.

 

 

You're right Rebel "almost always is not always" BUT it doesn't have to be. We live by generalizations of "almost always" and I think its safe to say we all live our lives this way whether you care to admit it or not. Do we not stick with relationships even if they aren't "always" great but "generally" worthwhile?

 

That's somewhat of an apples/oranges comparison. A relationship cannot always be great; in fact, some bumps in the road are considered healthy. No bumps at all is a cause for concern, as are too many bumps.

 

The way Scrivdog made it sound, the cheating wife is always worse than the cheating husband. I'm sorry, but I stick with my point on this. If he had made it clear he was making a general statement, I wouldn't have picked it up at all.

 

Like I said, in the OP's situation, his wife certainly did more harm than he did. Between the years of deception on her part while he jumped through hoops and went through hell and back to fix what he had broken...yes, she is certainly a good example for Scrivdog's assessment. But not every case is the same, no matter how many generalizations people want to throw out there.

[whodat]

I'm not an expert on forum etiquette, but I'm comfortable with a minor thread jack until OP returns.

 

If I "almost always" lied to you, you'd probably call me a liar.

If I "almost always" flattered you, you'd probably call me complimentary.

 

It works both ways and we all do it. If women "almost always" relegate spouse to 2nd class (worst form of betrayal) then WW affairs can be seen as worse.

 

I didn't mean to suggest that you were bringing your personal issue into this any more than the rest of us. Your reply just seemed predictable to me based on what I've read. Predictable the same way I would expect a Ford salesman to talk to me about GM.

 

This will be my last post on this tangent. I sure hope OP returns soon.

Edited July 4, 2013 by whodat
spelling

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'm not an expert on forum etiquette, but I'm comfortable with a minor thread jack until OP returns.

 

I hope he doesn't mind.

 

 

If I "almost always" lied to you, you'd probably call me a liar.

 

 

If I "almost always" flattered you, you'd probably call me complimentary.

 

 

Within this context, yes.

 

It works both ways and we all do it. If women "almost always" relegate spouse

to 2nd class (worst form of betrayal) then WW affairs can be seen as worse.

 

I think it might actually be killing me that this logic is starting to make sense. Alright, I'll concede the point-but I don't have to like it.

 

I didn't mean to suggest that you were bringing your personal issue into this

any more than the rest of us. Your reply just seemed predictable to me based on

what I've read. Predictable the same way I would expect a Ford salesman to talk

to me about GM.

 

I wasn't offended or anything; I was merely curious by what you meant. Why am I now the proverbial Ford dealer? T_T

 

This will be my last post on this tangent. I sure hope OP returns soon.

 

Me, too. I sure hope he's doing alright, all things considered.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Bull.

 

Stop attempting with the ridiculous feminist "word shaming" of the OP.

 

He called his wife a "wh*re" based upon her cheating behavior.

 

I wasn't attempting anything. I don't blame him for his reaction-a reaction he clearly stated he hadn't consciously expected from himself. The word slipped out.

 

And she actually enjoyed being called a "wh*re." It turned her on more

sexually.

 

Perhaps, or perhaps she was hitting the big O at the opportune time. OP said she looked at him strangely afterward; it either dawned on her what he had called her in the throes of angry passion, or she was shocked by her own reaction to it. Further possibility is that she started seeing something in her husband she hasn't seen before/for a long time.

 

And everyone knows that's exactly how cheating wives like it when they cheat

too. The dirtier it is the better it is.

 

Maybe, maybe not. Probably depends on the person in question.

 

For some reason cheating wives often have a very difficult time showing this

side to their husbands but no problem at all sharing it with the OM.

 

It's not much of a mystery, though it varies from person-to-person.

 

Be honest, you're a cheater too, right?

 

Oh, how cute, you're attempting to bait me. I'm not playing your little game. And while you're busy attempting to rip into me for whatever reason, you completely missed every other post I've made, both sympathizing and empathizing with the OP. You must feel so psychologically superior right now.

[whodat]

I'm sorry I dragged other thread topics into this. (I'm new here. Be kind) My apologies Rebel. I just meant that your reply seemed to lack real, detached analysis of the comment and seemed more of an emotional response.

 

Calling Rebel out on her personal situation isn't going to help OP. Maybe we should get back on topic.

 

I think it will be important for OP to find out what his wife was up to for the past seven years. How will that be possible if he does not have the emails/computer data to do so? In your opinion/experiences are friends of WS ever able to provide reliable information?

[JustAReformedGirl]

I'm sorry I dragged other thread topics into this. (I'm new here. Be kind) My apologies Rebel. I just meant that your reply seemed to lack real, detached analysis of the comment and seemed more of an emotional response.

 

No apology necessary. I'm not upset in the least. I'm fairly new here, too. I try to be detached; I guess I don't often succeed. It's alright though, Whodat. You haven't offended me.

 

Calling Rebel out on her personal situation isn't going to help OP. Maybe we

should get back on topic.

 

OP didn't; Harting did. Agreed though; we should get back on topic.

 

I think it will be important for OP to find out what his wife was up to for the past seven years. How will that be possible if he does not have the emails/computer data to do so? In your opinion/experiences are friends of WS ever able to provide reliable information?

 

I'm not sure who's opinion you're looking for, here. I suppose we'll just have to hope OP has sufficient data to enable his decision-making process on the matter. As to the friends of a WS being reliable sources for such info? In this case, I doubt it; one of them (at least) knew his wife was doing this. If he asked her (this one friend), I doubt she would sell his wife out. Like his wife, she'd probably blame-shift, put it all on him, make him the bad guy, somehow.