Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[Confused48]

Sure thing, sweetheart. The endless posts on these boards have a couple of common themes which sound like cliches.

 

The first is that married men never leave their wives for the OW. They rarely do, even if they let the affair partners think so. Why? They're still loyal to the wife. He may be enjoying sexual attentions on the side, but the wife remains in #1 position -a fact that causes many an OW to boil a rabbit.

 

Women cheaters almost always think they found "the one", the missing soulmate. And so the husband is pretty quickly relegated to #2 position until he he gets his balls back and leaves, or like in this case, she gets dumped. In any case, you almost never hear about single guys fuming because their married AP won't leave the husband.

 

So laws of nature being what they are make it so that the cheating wife commits a deeper betrayal to the marriage than the cheating husband. But you all knew this already.

 

Your sexist views on affairs and infidelity are laughable! I'd say, LMFAO, except I think you are serious. Right? You are really this "out there" not just baiting people, right?

[Confused48]

Sure thing, sweetheart.

 

You reveal your true limited nature with this choice of words.

 

the cheating wife commits a deeper betrayal to the marriage than the cheating husband. But you all knew this already.

 

Seriously?

 

So I fully believe a BH/WW situation is a lot tougher to resolve than a BW/WH situation.

 

This may or may not be true. Anyone with scientific evidence want to chime in I'm all ears. Regardless of whether or not the above is true, to say that women cheating on men is worse is just revolting. What, did I get transported back to the 19th century?

 

 

Could we all agree that if the WS reduces the BS to 2nd position, regardless of gender, the betrayal is the worst possible?

 

Finally, someone that makes sense.

 

If this typically happens more often with WW than WH then

 

wait,,, what??? oh right we are in the 19th Century.

 

I can't wait for the day I get to PM.

 

Me too.

 

Like I said, in the OP's situation, his wife certainly did more harm than he did.

 

I agree. But it has nothing to do with the gender of the people involved. A WH could be just as prone to do what WW did in this case.

 

But not every case is the same, no matter how many generalizations people want to throw out there.

 

Of course! Sexist generalizations are NOT helpful.

[whodat]

I will never understand why it is acceptable to only generalize in certain situations. It is simply not possible to use emotion to force reality into the shape that feels most comfortable. I've read enough on LS to know people generalize both male and female sexuality. Why then is it not ok to generalize their infidelity?

 

Being able to separate one's self from emotion and look at something analytically does not automatically make their views archaic.

 

Hopefully the keen observer will notice the first word in my quote:

"If this typically happens more often with WW than WH then..."

Just because it is only two letters does not mean it is not important.

 

I can't believe I let myself get drawn back into this.

[Confused48]

I will never understand why it is acceptable to only generalize in certain situations. It is simply not possible to use emotion to force reality into the shape that feels most comfortable. I've read enough on LS to know people generalize both male and female sexuality. Why then is it not ok to generalize their infidelity?

 

Being able to separate one's self from emotion and look at something analytically does not automatically make their views archaic.

 

Hopefully the keen observer will notice the first word in my quote:

"If this typically happens more often with WW than WH then..."

Just because it is only two letters does not mean it is not important.

 

I can't believe I let myself get drawn back into this.

 

You want to see how your sexist stereotypes fall apart? Just look at Janedoe67 serial cheater thread running right now. For one.

 

Male or female can be used interchangeably here except for the guilt and shame imposed by sexist posters such as Scrivdog.

[Pierre]

OP

 

You must have an idea of what kind of wife you have.

 

Is he woman that craves attention?

 

Is she a calculating philanderer?

 

Is she a good wife and mother?

 

How has she behaved in bed for the last seven years? Did you have a decent sex life?

 

You need to figure out is she is a good or a bad person. Not all cheaters are evil. In fact, many cheaters are lost souls with very low self esteem in search of external validation.

 

Which one is she?

 

Is she generally a selfish woman? How does she treat waiters?

 

Does she respect you? (besides the cheating).

[beach]

Pierre, really?

 

Some of your questions I wouldn't expect from you.

 

She's cheated yet punished and shamed him for cheating. And lied lied lied by omission.

 

He was working his a$$ off to earn HER trust back - for 2 years!

 

All the while - she never admitted to harm she caused him!

 

What is loving and kind about any of what she's been doing?

[ISayWhoa]

Yesterday, I took a short term rental apartment for a week. I'll be staying there til next Friday. I just needed some time away. Between, being pissed off, then forgiving, then wanting to **** her brains out, disgust, etc., I figured it would be better to take step back for a minute so I can think. Of course, she's calling my cell every 10 minutes, so I had to put it on silent mode.

 

First of all, thank you. Thank you for thinking about me and taking the time to express your thoughts and ideas. It all helps.

 

Yesterday, I stupidly pressed her on details about the sex they had. Of course she admitted to doing maybe 5 or 6 times, until she caved and told me she doesn't even have a number it was so often. Sometimes they would do it 2x a day, once in the morning, then again in the evening. I wish now I hadn't asked. I asked if she loved him. Her "I don't know" answer is as good as a "Yes" for me. At one point, she got on her knees and begged me to forgive her. That whole conversation really alienated me from her. That's when I finally decided to step out for a week.

 

The keylogger was somewhat interesting. No emails to anyone about this, but she searched the net on cheating recovery and started to post a message on a forum, but I don't think she ever sent it (I didn't see it posted). But she spent hours looking for stuff. If she ever posts on any forum, I'm registering and as a stranger, I'll press for details.

 

As to Scrivdog's post..I'm afraid I agree based on my own limited experience. I dropped OW immediately so as not to end the marriage with my wife even though I was getting what I wanted physically from OW. But my heart was still with W. Frankly, if W had proposed a night of hot sex, I would have cancelled any plans with OW. I guess, now that I think about it, W still held the number one position.

 

But I know for a fact, my wife not only gave her body to this other guy, she gave him her heart and soul. She no longer wanted me for intimacy. She preferred him. I was second in line to him at best and for all I know, in her heart, I still am. Like I said before, even if we manage to get past anything else, I don't see how I'll get past this.

Edited July 5, 2013 by ISayWhoa

[CarrieT]

Like I said before, even if we manage to get past anything else, I don't see how I'll get past this.

That is because it is still an incredibly raw and fresh wound for you and in light of the pain, you don't see healing.

 

*IF* you want to get through it, you will need to go back into full-on marital counseling. But that is only if you want to salvage the marriage.

 

Time away is the best thing right now and I commend you for taking the week off. I would also recommend that you advise your wife to discontinue the constant phone calls. Tell her you will text her once a day to let her know you are alive, but nothing else. She can do the same. But the barrage must stop and you need to space to think without influence.

[beach]

I'm really sorry you are in pain. Her details and further lies and trickle truths don't show much change.

 

I'm wondering how she expects you to believe anything she says while she's still changing her stories?

 

Why did he end it? I want to know. Has she communicated with him at all? Has she been involved with any other men throughout the M?

 

She evidently lies easily and expects you to believe her. I'd be concerned about that character defect she has as her usual operating method.

 

And this is your time for quiet reflection. Tell her to stop calling! You need time to think about what YOU need for yourself. You won't get that while she's pressing you - but that's (once again) her way of manipulating you.

 

I hope you stand firm on a boundary that considers YOUR best interest long term.

[aliveagain]

Once in the morning than again at night, how was that possible, where were you? Sorry friend but that hurts to read. Time apart is a good idea, she needs time to work out why she was such a sh*ty wife at that time. Big man hug((((ISayWhoa))))

[Fugu]

Last night we went late into the night with trying to get explanations. I never restored all the old emails to her PC, so she really couldn't remember what she had or had not written. I simply showed her a hefty stack of printouts and let her know I already had the answers to most of the questions I was asking. The main questions I had was:

 

1) Why did it happen? To her credit, she didn't blame me. She just said that being in a different environment surrounded by like minded people made her feel safe to do this. She was attracted to this guy and at first thought she would just do it "once".

 

2) Were there any others? She says no. I only half believe that.

 

3) How do I know I'm not the backup guy? What if he contacts her again, why would she not go to him? Although she assured me that I'm better and that she prefers me if she had to make the choice ... I can't believe her. I mean what else is she going to say? If there's anything that will keep me from moving forward, it's this.

 

4) Why beat me up about cheating when she did the same? She claims that she was going to tell me about hers, but she was so hurt by mine, that she focused on that. Then, according to her, once a few weeks had gone by, she felt it was already too late to confess without serious backlash. So she procrastinated forever. I suppose I can understand that, but it still doesn't explain her raking me over the coals for so long. If she was going to stay quiet, she could have at least taken it much easier on me.

 

5) Oral sex? At first she tried to say she can't remember doing that. Finally after I read email out loud, she admitted it. She claimed she didn't like doing it. So I had to read the part where not only she claims to have extraordinary oral skills, but she offers him oral sex for their next encounter. Finally she said she felt she needed to use sex to keep him. This part really sickened me.

 

After my affair She had told 3 of her female friends, one of which suggested she leave me. I had called the other two to assure them they shouldn't feel awkward around us and that it was all my fault and I working to make things right. Turns out one of them knew about her cheating. The others did not. I told her she needs to contact them and set the record straight. She nodded, but I'm not convinced.

 

Now some of you understand exactly what my issue is, and some of you don't. The issue here is NOT the cheating itself. Had she told me early on, it would have been a whole other story.

 

But for the past 6 years, I've been carrying this guilt, this weight, because I was a scumbag cheater who was so fortunate to have a wife willing to give him a sevond chance. This is guilt and the self image that goes with it that I thought about every day.

 

But she did the same, checked out of marriage and had the temerity to beat me up with the baton I supplied her through my own infidelity. And I feel like not only was she probably laughing to herself inside, I imagine that the OM was too. She kept him with her as her private protected secret for 7 years. It feels like she had a part of her that belonged only to him for all that time.

 

Frankly, right now, I want a D. Nothing she can possibly do will ever fix this.

 

What is needed is perspective. You may still end up wanting a divorce, but right now is absolutely not the time to make that call. This is a major life decision that will impact you and other people. You've got to make a decision you can live with. I think a period of separation would be totally within the bounds of propriety, but just rushing off to divorce court before you've had time to process things doesn't seem like a good move.

 

For whatever it's worth, I think you have valid feelings. Besides the obvious hurt associated with infidelity, there's the pain associated with knowing that you were made to carry the a burden that wasn't quite what you thought it was. I get all of that. I think you need time to yourself.

[ISayWhoa]

Once in the morning than again at night, how was that possible, where were you? Sorry friend but that hurts to read. Time apart is a good idea, she needs time to work out why she was such a sh*ty wife at that time. Big man hug((((ISayWhoa))))

Thanks. Yeah, it's very hard to read. But to be fair, I got to where my AP and I were having sex at every opportunity as well. I really can't be too outraged by her affair itself. Granted, I never deprived her of sex or affection, so her seeking out the attention of another is particularly infuriating.

 

Again, if only once I had seen evidence that she dumped him, it would change everything. But that it was her who got dumped is the part that's going to be my sticking point. Me being the second choice is an absolute and complete dealbreaker. I won't have it. The other ****head wound up being the one to determine the fate of my family. And what? While she's having sex with me, is she actually wishing it was him? See the problem?

 

And to respond to a couple of other posters, our sex life has been lackluster and boring at best. These past 7 years have been a complete farce. I accomplished staying with the kids, but now that they're older, it's just not an issue anymore. Let her go back and try to use her insatiable oral skills to get the other guy back.

 

I'm not seeing much happening on the keylogger. But then again, she's probably using phone and texts.

Edited July 5, 2013 by ISayWhoa

[Pierre]

Thanks. Yeah, it's very hard to read. But to be fair, I got to where my AP and I were having sex at every opportunity as well. I really can't be too outraged by her affair itself. Granted, I never deprived her of sex or affection, so her seeking out the attention of another is particularly infuriating.

 

Again, if only once I had seen evidence that she dumped him, it would change everything. But that it was her who got dumped is the part that's going to be my sticking point. Me being the second choice is an absolute and complete dealbreaker. I won't have it. The other ****head wound up being the one to determine the fate of my family. And what? While she's having sex with me, is she actually wishing it was him? See the problem?

 

And to respond to a couple of other posters, our sex life has been lackluster and boring at best. These past 7 years have been a complete farce. I accomplished staying with the kids, but now that they're older, it's just not an issue anymore. Let her go back and try to use her insatiable oral skills to get the other guy back.

 

I'm not seeing much happening on the keylogger. But then again, she's probably using phone and texts.

 

 

Calling every 10 minutes and getting down on her knees means you are NO. 1. It also means she is just a lost soul with extremely low self esteem that would do anything to get validation. People like this tend to have addictive personalities. These traits are incurable.

 

Your two choices are not easy:

 

1, Ending a long term marriage is very painful. Mostly acute short term pain

2. Repairing a long term marriage is also painful and the pain is chronic long term.

[ISayWhoa]

Try 2 look at all of this with a bit more detached of a perspective. There's no possible way you could not have been depriving her of a big part of you during your affair, any more than she could have during hers. While you were both cheating, you're devotions were very much divided.

 

Now, having said that, I still think that this si2ation is not much different from a more "typical" infidelity si2ation. Because her affair preceded yours and she raked you over the coals for so long means that she's got some innate insidious ability 2 lie while simultaneously using your guilt from your own affair 2 protect her own ass. That takes special manipulative talents.

 

 

 

I know exactly what you mean. Many of us BSs do. Even if you decide 2 reconcile with your wife, this will take years 2 get beyond.

 

 

 

Keep watching. I'm glad you didn't reveal THAT source of your info. I would think that, if she's truly desirous of earning your trust back, that she'll very likely join an infidelity forum and seek advice as 2 how 2 go about that. It's a lot "safer" than counseling, due 2 the anonymity. And, of course, it's free.

 

An if she does join a forum like this, it'll be very interesting for you 2 know what she's thinking. I think it's entirely possible that she's not been thinking about the OM and does truly want 2 reconcile with you - in spite of the depth of their involvement. As has been said, this is all 7 years ago for her, but it's brand new 2 you.

 

Take care,

-ol' 2long

Good points. But I have a different view on one thing. Before and during her affair, she had access to my full and undivided attention. During my affair, she didn't have it from me anymore but I'd argue that because she wanted none of it, I wasn't depriving her of attention.

[Snowflower]

I do see a double-standard here. And I think you are trying to let yourself off the hook for the cheating you did.

 

Look OP, you cheated on your wife anyway even though you didn't know about her affair at that time.

 

Even if she had been a faithful wife all the way along, YOU still had made the choice to cheat on her.

 

Yes, you have every right to be upset and hurt about what she did all those years ago. It is like it happened yesterday for you. It hurts and it will hurt.

 

But somehow, from where I sit reading your postings, you have taken the holier-than-thou approach with your wife since she did cheat first. Well, yes she did and bad on her.

 

Regardless of that however, you cheated without knowing that she already had. YOU made that decision to get it on with someone else assuming that you were the one who was initially breaking the marital agreement.

 

You're all upset about her giving BJ's to a guy but then you admit to having sex with someone else six ways from Sunday.

 

You are no better than her. Yes, be hurt and rightly so. Cry, grieve, and mourn the loss of the wife you thought you had. You have every right to be sad and hurt.

 

But angry at her? Because she did the exact same thing you did? Please get over yourself already.

[ISayWhoa]

I do see a double-standard here. And I think you are trying to let yourself off the hook for the cheating you did.

 

Look OP, you cheated on your wife anyway even though you didn't know about her affair at that time.

 

Even if she had been a faithful wife all the way along, YOU still had made the choice to cheat on her.

 

Yes, you have every right to be upset and hurt about what she did all those years ago. It is like it happened yesterday for you. It hurts and it will hurt.

 

But somehow, from where I sit reading your postings, you have taken the holier-than-thou approach with your wife since she did cheat first. Well, yes she did and bad on her.

 

Regardless of that however, you cheated without knowing that she already had. YOU made that decision to get it on with someone else assuming that you were the one who was initially breaking the marital agreement.

 

You're all upset about her giving BJ's to a guy but then you admit to having sex with someone else six ways from Sunday.

 

You are no better than her. Yes, be hurt and rightly so. Cry, grieve, and mourn the loss of the wife you thought you had. You have every right to be sad and hurt.

 

But angry at her? Because she did the exact same thing you did? Please get over yourself already.

I hate to say it, but I get the feeling you've read none of my posts.

[USMCHokie]

But angry at her? Because she did the exact same thing you did? Please get over yourself already.

 

I don't recall reading OP hiding his affair for 7+ years...so no, she did not do exactly the same thing OP did.

[Snowflower]

I hate to say it, but I get the feeling you've read none of my posts.

 

I read this entire thread. I dislike when people post responses having not read the thread or at least the OP's postings. And this is how it looks from my perspective.

 

I don't mean to be harsh. I've been betrayed by my spouse's affair so I know how it feels too.

 

But there is remarkably little said about your betrayal of your wife but plenty said about her betrayal of you. Like I said, it is a double-standard.

 

I hope you will consider that I am trying to look at this objectively. I don't know you or your wife. I'm just trying to help by offering one possible objective perspective. I may be wrong but it is helpful to read all responses, not just the ones who jump on the "yeah, your wife is s*** bandwagon."

 

Take some time to cool off like I think you mentioned. Time has a way of changing one's perception.

[ISayWhoa]

I read this entire thread. I dislike when people post responses having not read the thread or at least the OP's postings. And this is how it looks from my perspective.

 

I don't mean to be harsh. I've been betrayed by my spouse's affair so I know how it feels too.

 

But there is remarkably little said about your betrayal of your wife but plenty said about her betrayal of you. Like I said, it is a double-standard.

 

I hope you will consider that I am trying to look at this objectively. I don't know you or your wife. I'm just trying to help by offering one possible objective perspective. I may be wrong but it is helpful to read all responses, not just the ones who jump on the "yeah, your wife is s*** bandwagon."

 

Take some time to cool off like I think you mentioned. Time has a way of changing one's perception.

I already paid for what I did. I'm not paying again. Please read this thread.

[Confused48]

Very good point.

 

And now she's learning what a mistake it was not 2 have come clean when she learned of your affair.

 

-ol' 2long

 

If she had come clean before he had an affair, he might never have done that. A lot of people learn how stupid affairs are by being affected by one personally. But coming clean after he had his, that is difficult. When you have two affairs in one marriage revealed at the same time the difficulty in reconciling is made so much harder.

 

Still does not explain her harsh treatment of him. Or boring sex for 7 years. I bet that is about to change if OP wants her back.

[ISayWhoa]

If she had come clean before he had an affair, he might never have done that. A lot of people learn how stupid affairs are by being affected by one personally. But coming clean after he had his, that is difficult. When you have two affairs in one marriage revealed at the same time the difficulty in reconciling is made so much harder.

 

Still does not explain her harsh treatment of him. Or boring sex for 7 years. I bet that is about to change if OP wants her back.

The point is not the affair. Even if told me about hers when she found out about mine, this thread wouldn't exist. Again, the issue isn't just her affair. The issues are these:

 

- She beat me up for years about my affair when she had at least one under her belt

- I was then, and am now second choice

 

Those are the majn issues. Everything else is very secondary.

[Confused48]

The point is not the affair. Even if told me about hers when she found out about mine, this thread wouldn't exist. Again, the issue isn't just her affair. The issues are these:

 

- She beat me up for years about my affair when she had at least one under her belt

- I was then, and am now second choice

 

Those are the majn issues. Everything else is very secondary.

 

If you were second choice now, she would not be begging you for forgiveness. I'm not saying you should attempt recon or not. I'm just saying it is clear that at this point in her life you are her #1.

[aliveagain]

The man took a two year beat down without any honesty from his wife regarding her affair even though it had already played out, she kept that a secret between OM and herself, she could have come clean but chose badly again, she didn't. She chose to protect the illusion of whom she believes herself to be instead. By doing so she kept secrets from ISayWhoa for another 7 years. Had he not discovered the infidelity she would have taken it to her grave, again choosing OM and herself over her marriage. You are both in different places now than you were at the time of infidelity, you love each other, you have children and the only thing missing is honesty. She promised it to you when you confronted her but she still chose to lie. Who cares how many times she blew him, how many times did your affair partner blow you? Unless you have honesty you can never feel safe with her, how will you ever be able to judge the status of your relationship if she lies about it, how can you account for changes in the curves on the road if you don't know they are there? Get her into counseling, don't make a choice about your marriage just yet your both hurting too much. Let her actions prove her true commitment to you.

[ISayWhoa]

If you were second choice now, she would not be begging you for forgiveness. I'm not saying you should attempt recon or not. I'm just saying it is clear that at this point in her life you are her #1.

Sure because the other bozo left. How long would I be number 1 if he came back in the picture?

[Snowflower]

Sure because the other bozo left. How long would I be number 1 if he came back in the picture?

 

Now you don't know that. Have you asked her about this?

 

Don't go there, please! It is a bad assumption to make. Would you go back to the woman you had an affair with if she came back in the picture?

 

Definitely not, right?