Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[ISayWhoa]

Now you don't know that. Have you asked her about this?

 

Don't go there, please! It is a bad assumption to make. Would you go back to the woman you had an affair with if she came back in the picture?

 

Definitely not, right?

Of course I did (I mentioned that in one of my posts). How can I believe any respobse she gives me? Of course she's going to say she prefers me to him. Why woukd she say anything else?

[JustAReformedGirl]

I think Confused48 has it right, ISayWhoa: it does no good to dwell on "what ifs". Why torture yourself further on what may or may not happen, if said bozo returned?

 

I know this is hard for you, and you have every right to feel every emotion coursing through you right now; but please, try to see it this way.

 

She may have loved OM-back then. That could very well be ancient history for her now. Yes, your pain is fresh, and your anger is justified, since you paid for your mistakes while she kept hers under wraps.

 

But after all this time? I doubt OM means anything to her, now. She got down on her knees, OP. People don't generally do that unless they're sincere. No matter how sorry I am or have been about things, I could never bring myself to do that-at least, not so far. I know it doesn't count for much-but it must count for something.

 

I'm glad you're taking a week away from her to sort this out; definitely get her to stop calling so often, though. Make sure she knows the future hinges on this solitude, and her impeding it won't work in her favour.

 

I truly wish you the best in all of this.

[Snowflower]

Of course I did (I mentioned that in one of my posts). How can I believe any respobse she gives me? Of course she's going to say she prefers me to him. Why woukd she say anything else?

 

Okay, and I'm willing to bet she asked the same questions of you after your affair. I bet she wondered why you stayed with her instead of going off with the new woman.

 

And you told her the same thing, right? That you wanted her and not the OW.

 

And at some point, your wife chose to believe you. Are you going to return the sentiment?

 

Like another poster mentioned, it has been 7 years since her affair with that bozo. She wants to be with you. If she hadn't she would have left. I know it is torturous for you to wonder these things. It's completely normal. But try to remember that it has been 7 years and her perspective about that guy has changed. If it had been 7 weeks since her affair (or months) then maybe you would have more cause to be concerned.

[ISayWhoa]

Okay, and I'm willing to bet she asked the same questions of you after your affair. I bet she wondered why you stayed with her instead of going off with the new woman.

 

And you told her the same thing, right? That you wanted her and not the OW.

 

And at some point, your wife chose to believe you. Are you going to return the sentiment?

 

Like another poster mentioned, it has been 7 years since her affair with that bozo. She wants to be with you. If she hadn't she would have left. I know it is torturous for you to wonder these things. It's completely normal. But try to remember that it has been 7 years and her perspective about that guy has changed. If it had been 7 weeks since her affair (or months) then maybe you would have more cause to be concerned.

Again, on D-Day, I dumped the OW and chose to stay with my wife. So she never had to wonder. My actions spoke for themselves. But I already covered this exact pount in this thread. Now I know you didn't read it.

[beach]

Why did her OM end it?

 

Yes, I can see why you feel #2.

 

Did she say she never had any other affairs?

[ISayWhoa]

Why did her OM end it?

 

Yes, I can see why you feel #2.

 

Did she say she never had any other affairs?

He found a single gf. She said she didn't.

[Pierre]

I think Confused48 has it right, ISayWhoa: it does no good to dwell on "what ifs". Why torture yourself further on what may or may not happen, if said bozo returned?

 

I know this is hard for you, and you have every right to feel every emotion coursing through you right now; but please, try to see it this way.

 

She may have loved OM-back then. That could very well be ancient history for her now. Yes, your pain is fresh, and your anger is justified, since you paid for your mistakes while she kept hers under wraps.

 

But after all this time? I doubt OM means anything to her, now. She got down on her knees, OP. People don't generally do that unless they're sincere. No matter how sorry I am or have been about things, I could never bring myself to do that-at least, not so far. I know it doesn't count for much-but it must count for something.

 

I'm glad you're taking a week away from her to sort this out; definitely get her to stop calling so often, though. Make sure she knows the future hinges on this solitude, and her impeding it won't work in her favour.

 

I truly wish you the best in all of this.

 

I agree with this post.

 

I also want to add that most women that have affairs are looking for attention and then develop an emotional connection. That she loved OM is no big deal, this is the case in most affairs that include MOWs. These women love whomever meets the need that they have. The need is almost always validation, admiration, and adoration.

 

 

That she got doen on her knees is simply part of her personality. I don't advocate to anyone to beg in that manner, but I have discovered that cheating men on d-day often beg the wife to take them back. The getting down on the knees is an extension of the lack of self respect and low self esteem that plagues many people. Nevertheless it probably shows she has no OM at this time.

 

Not all cheating si the same.

 

OP cheated when his wife treated him like sh*t for a long time. The wife cheated for the sake of cheating and that is a big difference.

 

The wife has serious issues and perhaps OP can look back and examine the personality of his wife during the marriage. For example has she been a good wife most of the time? Or is this the culmination of a very crappy relationship?

 

 

OP needs to examine the entire content of his marriage and see if there is something there that has any value. Other issues include age. IS OP young enough to start over again with a better woman? Is OP motivated to be single again and enter the dating scene?

 

I still don't know what kind of woman the wife is? She may have other positive attributes.

 

I also warn OP about HB. The wife may go all out giving him wild and crazy sex to keep the marriage. This may cloud the thinking of OP.

 

Other things to consider: Who is the OM? Is OM truly a better guy than OP? Perhaps OM is nothing but a loser. It is not uncommon for desperate MOWs to affair down. Was she affairing down?

[Snowflower]

Again, on D-Day, I dumped the OW and chose to stay with my wife. So she never had to wonder. My actions spoke for themselves. But I already covered this exact pount in this thread. Now I know you didn't read it.

 

My apologies that I don't remember every detail of your thread. I also read several other threads here today and it is difficult to remember all the details. I do my best though.

 

I do remember that you had ended the affair on your own (kudos to you).

 

I will leave you with one last thought because I seem to be irritating you.

 

My H also dumped the OW and wanted to return to the marriage. He confessed his A to me but I was plagued for a LONG time about whether he was where he wanted to be. Sometimes, even now, I still get that little niggle of doubt. It is one of those "gifts" of infidelity.

 

So please don't assume that just because you ended your affair and rededicated yourself to your marriage, that that action meant that your wife had no doubts or that automatically gave assurance to your wife.

 

Best of luck to you.

[beach]

Does your W work? Can she support herself?

 

What would you say is the basis of your wife's moral character?

[Confused48]

If the OM ended it b/c he found a single girl, it could be you were always #1 to your WW. Your WW might have been a cake eater.

 

Cake eaters eat cake till they can't. Some get dumped by the AP bc they are not available for a real relationship. Some get caught by the BS and on Dday realize they never wanted to lose the BS and desperately cling to the BS and drop the AP like a hot potato.

 

You did not get the chance to know if this was your WW's situation. But it might have been. After all she did not toss you to the curb when she found you cheating. She STILL wanted you. If she never cheated again, chances are she learned how stupid affairs are. Maybe a poly would help you?

[beach]

Ok, so I barely got much sleep last night and I'm up now. I give up on sleeping ..

 

I had a swirling mix of conflicting emotions that bounced my head from one end to the other all day. I went home at around noon as planned, but as I approached the house, I became overwhelmed by a feeling of extreme arousal mixed with a desperate anticipatory exitement. I wasn't planning to have sex with her, but I got a solid hard-on as a pulling in the driveway. I lost my head and I dragged her immediately to the bedroom. Again, it was passionate, but angry sex (for me). At one point, as she was getting ready to climax, I said "You like that, you ****ing whore?". This is NOT the way I talk, but oddly enough it seemed to increase the intensity of her orgasm. She looked at me in an odd way right afterwards, though.

 

This was not at all what I had planned. Given the state I was in I decided not to pursue the issue that day and figured I'd leave it for the next day or that night. But I was then overtaken by a feeling of complete disgust. I felt like I had to take a shower just to get any trace of her essence off of my skin.

 

After the shower I just put my clothes on and got ready to leave. I made no conversation, nor did I even look at her. I hated her right then. She came over and sat on the bed as I was finishing up and she asked me if I wasn't going to eat someting first. I said no, and I walked off.

 

She says "Hey, don't I at least get a kiss?".

 

I didn't even look back as I walked out and said "No".

 

I barely made it past the corner of our street when she called my cell. I didn't answer. She then called over and over again, until I finally picked up. I'll spare the conversation, but at one point she says "If this marriage is going to work, we can't be hiding things from each other". I hung up, I stopped the car, turned around, called work and told them I wasn't coming in and I went straight back home.

 

I walked in and she sits down and asks me what's the matter. I said, "Tell me something .. and tell me the truth. Can you do that?"

 

She says "Yeah, of course. What is it?". I realized she had NO idea what was coming.

 

I said "Tell me the deal with Brian. And please tell me everything"

 

She looked down. And she actually said "Brian who? I don't know. What do you mean?"

 

I blew up. I told her I knew everything. I knew she had a fling with him and that she enjoyed sucking his cock.

 

I'll spare you all the blow by blow, but here were the highlights of a few hours of conversation (in order of appearance):

 

- That was so long ago

- We only had sex a few times and it was terrible

- I can't remember

- You did the same thing

- Why bring this up now?

- That was so long ago

- I can't remember

- Who told you?

- You did the same thing

 

I asked her why it ended. Of course I know he's the one who dumped her. She said she broke up with him (because she wanted to be with me). I leaned over and said "BULL and ****".

 

At that point she broke down crying and started with "I'm sorry". I did feel bad for her a few times for a few seconds. But that was it. I ranted for awhile at her but I could get no response from her except sobbing and "I'm sorry".

 

I slept as much as I could in my home office couch. She came over and tried to hug me but I told her not to come near me. That's it for now. **** knows what tomorrow brings.

 

It should be fun to see what the keylogger results are going to be now. I wonder if the friends she confided in after my D-Day actually knew the truth or just her version?

 

This was a ramble. I know I don't make a whole lot of sense right now. I'm frazzled. I'll update again when I got some rest.

 

 

Here's the problem I'm having with HER.

 

She still didn't admit...until she HAD to. How can you EVER trust a gal like that?

 

She also didn't give any truth - and turned it all away from herself!

 

She STILL didn't accept that responsibility as HER OWN!

 

She was dismissive, deflecting and trying to minimize even when caught!!!

 

Then she says "that was a long time ago" - like it's not important to YOU!

 

I have a difficult time thinking she's remorseful or willing to get honest at ANY turn.

 

How can one figure that counselling can fix this when her truth is never offered?

 

Even when backed into a corner she still seems narcissistic and hurtful

 

How do you love, respect and honor a woman with THOSE character traits?

 

And we KNOW she's STILL lying because she's given evidence that she DOES remember!

[Furious]

Hello everyone. Been married for 22 years, have 2 kids, the youngest just turned 17.

 

About 7 years ago, my wife and I were experiencing some pretty difficult times. She hinted at me that she "wasn't feeling it" emotionally with me.

 

 

In any case, a year of that and I was seriously contemplating divorce. Probably would have done it had it not been for my desire to stay with the kids. Instead, regretably, I had an affair which lasted about 6 months.

 

My wife found out and as you all can imagine, the sh*t hit the fan pretty hard. We went to counseling, I did everything I knew how to try and recover what was left of the marriage.

 

 

After 2 years of pure hell, things got better. But she did put me through alot as well, which I accepted given what I did.

 

 

Now fast forward to last week.

 

 

 

Her laptop crashed and since I'm the tech guy, I did a disk recovery to bring back, among other things, her email box. Every time she changed laptops, I'd move over her email box. As I was merging the folders, I caught an email from 7 years ago between her and this guy Brian. She was taking personal training certification courses and he was one of the instructors.

 

The email contained enough detail for me to be sure he was having sex with her more than once, including oral, which she refuses with me. Once I read it, all the pieces suddenly fell into place. How she acted with me, the late night celebrations with other students, weekend classes, and her attitude towrds me.

 

 

I haven't said anything to her yet. But I'm extremely angry. Not so much that she had the affair, because I'm in no position to do that. But that she reamed me so hard on the pretense that she was this faithful betrayed wife.

 

 

Not sure how to proceed now. I'm very conflicted as to what to say or if I should say anything. She does notice, I'm more standoffish that usual, but I can't help that.

 

 

I see that your wife discovered your affair, that you had not confessed but just got caught.

 

Your wife had an affair, she did not confess but just got caught.

 

 

I have to say both of probably would never have confessed and taken it to the grave if not for getting caught.

 

It appears that both of you looked to cheating as a short term solution as opposed to either fixing or ending your marriage.

 

Neither of you owns the high road and you both expect loyalty and honesty from each other but both of you have failed to give what you expect.

 

I say call a truce and really...really talk to each other. The blame game is crazy making and solves nothing.

 

You both want to be right and you've both made horrible and damaging choices in your marriage.

 

I think that you both must own your choices and only then can you see your way toward either truly reconciling or ending your marriage as amicably as possible.

 

I wish you both could just really talk to each other.

[Pierre]

I'm going 2 continue 2 disagree with this viewpoint. ALL cheating IS the same. It's what the cheaters and the betrayed do moving forward that makes any difference.

 

-ol' 2long

 

It is like the difference between murder and manslaughter. Maybe that helps.

 

However, from a purely philosophical binary point of view one either cheats or not.

[beach]

It is like the difference between murder and manslaughter. Maybe that helps.

 

However, from a purely philosophical binary point of view one either cheats or not.

 

And one is either honest or dishonest. Much in the same vane.

 

Getting or gaining a clear understanding of whether or not his wife is CAPABLE of honesty from here moving forward - is key.

[ISayWhoa]

I see that your wife discovered your affair, that you had not confessed but just got caught.

 

Your wife had an affair, she did not confess but just got caught.

 

 

I have to say both of probably would never have confessed and taken it to the grave if not for getting caught.

 

It appears that both of you looked to cheating as a short term solution as opposed to either fixing or ending your marriage.

6

Neither of you owns the high road and you both expect loyalty and honesty from each other but both of you have failed to give what you expect.

 

I say call a truce and really...really talk to each other. The blame game is crazy making and solves nothing.

 

You both want to be right and you've both made horrible and damaging choices in your marriage.

 

I think that you both must own your choices and only then can you see your way toward either truly reconciling or ending your marriage as amicably as possible.

 

I wish you both could just really talk to each other.

I owned it and I made my reparations. I don't see what else I can do. In light of what I know now, I made too many amends.

 

Anyway, a couple of my 30 something friends from work are taking me out for some drinks. All my older friends are married. So I'll be the adult supervision

[JustAReformedGirl]

I owned it and I made my reparations. I don't see what else I can do. In light of what I know now, I made too many amends.

 

Anyway, a couple of my 30 something friends from work are taking me out for some drinks. All my older friends are married. So I'll be the adult supervision

 

Why are you being the supervisor? In your boat, I'd enjoy myself some drinks, too. They're married-it's their duty to make sure they don't go overboard drinking, or do anything regrettable later. You've got enough to deal with; have yourself a good time, Whoa.

[whodat]

I'd ike to touch on something that was brought up on page 11 when the discussion was about whether OP was WW's second choice. I can't believe the responses saying that just because she stayed in the marriage for 7 years and now falls to her knees for him, OP is now #1 in WW's eyes. I call B***SHYTE on that!

 

Clearly he was the safety net, backup plan option in her eyes. That's why she was able to procrastinate so long about telling him about her affair. If she truly had a remorseful turning point (though I don't know how she would have been able to do that since she seemed to be sitting pretty following the disclosure of HIS affair) I think she would have been able to disclose her affair to OP. Especially considering the topic was clearly on both their minds following HIS affair.

 

If she had any kind of "Ah-ha" moment in which she decided to stay and work on her marriage she:

A - would not have given him such a hard time about HIS affair (if we are to believe the severity of that time as presented by OP)

B - would have committed to a REAL relationship in which openness and honesty were paramount and would have given him all the information necessary for him to make HIS decision.

 

Congratulations, she picked OP! Yay! Is he supposed to just accept that because he cheated too? He was kept completely in the dark, while she was able to proceed with all the information. What kind of achievement is that? How can he ever be happy with that? How can anyone ever be happy that a flip-flopper is currently flipped to them? What happens when they flop? Is love really so easily thrown around? My god the questions are endless when I try to follow that thought process.

 

The betrayal here is the 7 year long lie in which she pretended to be a BS instead of the WW/BS she actually was.

[ISayWhoa]

Why are you being the supervisor? In your boat, I'd enjoy myself some drinks, too. They're married-it's their duty to make sure they don't go overboard drinking, or do anything regrettable later. You've got enough to deal with; have yourself a good time, Whoa.

I was kidding. I'm 14 years older than they are .. that's why I said it. Trust me, I'll be letting loose.

[JustAReformedGirl]

I was kidding. I'm 14 years older than they are .. that's why I said it. Trust me, I'll be letting loose.

 

My bad. And good! After all you've been through, you owe it to yourself. Chin up, and I hope this week helps you reach the conclusion you need.

[Fugu]

And to respond to a couple of other posters, our sex life has been lackluster and boring at best. These past 7 years have been a complete farce. I accomplished staying with the kids, but now that they're older, it's just not an issue anymore. Let her go back and try to use her insatiable oral skills to get the other guy back.

 

I think your bottom line here is that you feel robbed of the truth and, even more so, robbed of your time. I think anyone could understand those feelings. Maybe it's time to move on for the simple reason that this is just not a good relationship anymore. If things haven't really been that good for the past seven years, then that's what's really the deeper issue, I think. I think it's understandable to be angry at her, but I would caution you about holding a grudge or believing that somehow her sins are necessarily all that much worse than your own. From the looks of things, both of you have made some mistakes in the marriage. Maybe she's made more, but in the end, that's not as important as knowing how you can protect yourself in future relationships, and also, how you can improve yourself as a person, so that you can be 100 percent the best partner you can possibly be. Anything else is really tangential, I believe, even though those feelings of disgust are perfectly understandable and expected for the moment.

 

I'm not seeing much happening on the keylogger. But then again, she's probably using phone and texts.

 

Or maybe she really has moved on, and you're just angry. Whether you find out she's been 100 percent faithful or secretly attending orgies on a regular basis, that's not really the issue, is it? It's the past seven years, and perhaps it's just the entire marriage itself. It's just not a good match, right? You needed a reason to end it. Now you've got one. Maybe you could just be philosophical and see this revelation as a gift.

[jnj express]

O P should never have cheated----but-----things in their mge were so bad, due to her cheating, and then hiding it, that the mge cracked-----so O P cheated, as a way of getting what he needed

 

If you wanna lay blame here---it was stated above---compare this as murder to manslaughter---but the wife, in this situation, thru her cheating, then cheating by omission, and thru her placing her H, as a distant 2nd in her life----did cause their mge to fall apart---problem is O P, just didn't know about any of what went on, as it was happening to him.

 

Add to that , that the O P, wife, was typically hard on O P, as she should have been, doesn't help anything, when she knew with every word out of her mouth, in punishment for O P, that she was still harboring her own A., as a deep dark secret---------I just do not think, these A's are on a completely level playing field

 

You gotta use ---BUT FOR---in this situation---but for, her A, and treatment of O P, would O P, have had his A.

[Nyla]

I have to say that your marriage seems like it is built on lies and deception.

 

Not a healthy or happy situation for spouses to be in. I would cut my losses if I were you.

 

Your wife is not only capable of having an affair. She is also just fine with pretending to be a wounded spouse when she is no better. That takes a lot of rationalization and being comfortable with pulling the wool over your eyes.

[JustAReformedGirl]

It's actually quite simple to mentally reconcile the situation if you just are able to shift the attitude from:

 

"I married a princess, Cinderella, Snow White, the Ideal Woman, why oh why did things go wrong, why did she succumb to that Player? How did I fail her?"

 

to:

 

"I married a deeply flawed woman who took advantage of my naivety and idealization of her to cheat on me. She hid her real self from me for all this time. She has treated me with disrespect throughout the marriage and put me as second-best. Not only did she cheat on me, but she lied to me for years and took advantage when my cheating was disclosed. She has continuously lied to me about what she did, and her real self, up until right now, and may still be lying to me. I will never know if she has told me the whole truth and I will never know if she will cheat on me again, but there is a huge risk she will if I remain with her no matter what she promises and no matter what we do to try to reconcile.

 

I loathe to admit it, but I mostly agree with this portion. Particularly the parts I've bolded.

 

 

 

In past times she would have earned the un-PC title of "tramp" or "whore." In

fact when I called her that in bed the other day she actually was sexually

excited by that. She accepts that and identifies with the idea that she is

actually a promiscuous woman, something that I denied to myself or never really

knew because she always hid it from me.

 

It's entirely possible that she didn't start out that way. I can agree that yes, she clearly became that. But to say that she always was, which would suggest even before him? That's a claim no one can really make with 100% certainty.

 

But I do have lots of history including children with her. The difficult

question I must answer is weigh all the costs and benefits of trying to stay

with her vs. divorcing her. Is it worth it to even bother? If I am going to

stay with her, I must completely change the ground rules of our relationship and

she must be totally submissive to my will."

 

Sorry, totally submissive? There's a fatal flaw, here. If she agrees to reconcile (and OP opts for it, though I cannot imagine why he should, at this point) then yes, she needs to stick to some ground rules, jump through quite a few hoops to regain his trust-which will take a long time. But being completely submissive? I doubt the OP would ever fall to the level that comes to mind, but there's so much potential for abuse, in that statement. Just pointing that out.

[Pierre]

One last warning:

 

OP is infected with the hysterical bonding virus.

 

Sometimes the threat of divorce can cause the wayward spouse to also contract HB.

 

If this is true the wayward wife will give sex to OP 24/7 in an effort to save her skin and the marriage. OP may not be able to do much about this unless he moves out.

[AbeNormal]

............

Edited July 6, 2013 by AbeNormal