aliveagain Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 Sorry, "break her will", how do you do that, smack her on the nose with a newspaper every time she cheats? There is no break her will in a marriage. You cheat because you choose to, it's done with her consent, she is a willing partner otherwise it's rape. No woman cheats because I as her spouse did a shi*y job of breaking her will, the newspaper wasn't rolled tight enough or perhaps I should have used the business section of the paper instead of the comics. Sorry, women are not pets or slaves, you do not marry someone with the intent of breaking their will. Wow. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 Sorry, "break her will", how do you do that, smack her on the nose with a newspaper every time she cheats? There is no break her will in a marriage. You cheat because you choose to, it's done with her consent, she is a willing partner otherwise it's rape. No woman cheats because I as her spouse did a shi*y job of breaking her will, the newspaper wasn't rolled tight enough or perhaps I should have used the business section of the paper instead of the comics. Sorry, women are not pets or slaves, you do not marry someone with the intent of breaking their will. Wow. Ya, I agree. But if she's not willing to change...there's no reason to stay. She needs to address her issues that allowed her to justify her cheating and her ability to keep it hidden even when she knew it should have been revealed in order to have honesty in those counseling sessions you've gone through. Did she say why/how she justified her cheating? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Just a Guy Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 Hi Folks, I am really surprised by the tremendous quantum of arguments and comments back and forth on this thread. It all seems to me to be a case of things being blown completely out of proportion. If the OP is really convinced that his wife is a Blackguard then he should cut his losses immediately and initiate Divorce proceedings. If however, he feels that there is some hope for recovering the marriage and reconciling with her then he should proceed in that direction. I think too much hot air has already been generated on this thread and it all seems to be going no where. OP needs to decide once and for all what he wants instead of wallowing in a sea of sympathy that he seems to want or need. I guess the forum folk need to turn their wise attention to more serious cases on this forum!! At least that is what I think. Maybe I am wrong. Don't think so though(Tongue in cheek). Cheers! 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Oberfeldwebel Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 Just so you know, you are speaking English and making perfect sense. Some on here read what they want to read or project their situation to you. Don't sweat the petty things. You are going to go through a variety of thoughts, some legitimate and others less so, but all understandable. For some reason the point of her brow beating you with the affair for an extended period of time, is getting lost. Also the fact that she never ended her affair, makes your affair much different than hers. How about the next time that she becomes depressed or another flavor of the month comes along, then what happens? These are all legitimate questions to ask yourself. To her this happened along time ago, but to you it just happened. How do you forgive and move on? That my friend is the big questions. Some people don't and divorce, that is sad, but if you can't get beyond your anger after a reasonable period of time, then that may be the best course of action. However, I will tell you that IF both of you want this marriage to work and both of you put in the work, it can be fixed. It is unfortunate in your case that she didn't decide to do this long ago as this would not be happing now if she had done so. The road to recovery has to start with remorse and honesty with each other. To show that she is contrite, she should expose the affair in the same manner that you had to, with friends and family. You also need to get in counseling as well, to allow someone to guide the conversation to recovery instead of escalating into arguments. Best wishes to you and your family. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
beatcuff Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 i am an american and spent the last couple of days celebrating the 4th. i caught back up (from page 6). Some of the advice is poor --- have her send a non-contact letter. seriously? it has been over for years. if I received it that would mean only one thing: she still thinks about me. OP has made little comment about whether he still has any love for W. or even if there is hope to make this work. lots of 'if i find out x its D'. OP it appears you are looking for 'yes' responses. for the No's -- you ignored my initial #75 (BTW Pierre reread your respond to mine and tell my why you are wrong), jumped on Owl and insulted Snowflower (stating she did not read the entire thread especially because several others obviously have not). OP reread them, they all state that you are justified in what you are feeling but also point out your failings all the while offering good advice. they are attempting to keep this thread centered. it may not be what you want to hear but nevertheless you should. you need to look at this situation from all angles before making a decision. in the end you have to deal with it, we don't. i leave you with my original question that was never answered --- do you want this M to continue? if not i will step aside offering my advice to those that it may help. i will continue to read as i do find this thread interesting on many levels. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 Did the OP say whether he was going to be away from his thread, during his week of contemplation on the matter? I'm not sure if he was officially staying elsewhere when he last posted, or not. In any regard, what he decides is entirely up to him; whatever frailties he may have as a person aren't the issue. He needs to figure out whether his marriage is worth salvaging. If his wife can prove she is truly sorry, if he can rebuild with her-this is entirely up to him. If he cannot forgive her, I can't say that I blame him. Likewise though, if he opts to give their marriage another try-and his wife makes an honest effort-I would respect his decision. It's his life, after all. We are merely spectators. ISayWhoa needs to do what is right for him. Whatever choice you make, I hope you gain something from all of this. Enjoy your week, OP. Link to post Share on other sites
aliveagain Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 Does your mother know you're using her computer? -ol' 2long 2long, I agree, I just posted on a Sexual Fantasy thread(said way too much about myself), I think this guy could add all kinds of interesting insight before mommy finds him on her computer. Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 OP can't make the decision of whether or not he wants the marriage to continue until he decides what sort of marriage it will be going forward, and an action path to that goal. If it was as simple as "OK let's divorce" then he wouldn't need to post at all. I actually agree with this; it always looks so simple when you're on the outside looking in, but when you're in the middle of it, it's quite a different matter. OP's decision is far from simple. He is married to an inherently selfish and untrustworthy person. But if he didn't see any positives at all it would just be easy to divorce. It's the positives that make the decision so difficult (as in all of these cases of indecision). Still agreed. A spouse can have serious personality defects but that doesn't mean you automatically divorce them. It means you try to see if you can develop an effective coping strategy to modify their behavior without sacrificing too much of your own self and without driving yourself crazy. The fact that this is making sense to me is leaving a bad taste in my mouth. I still disagree with your point of him "breaking her will". However you may perceive her-even if your perception is correct of her, being a whore and whatnot-wouldn't it be better for him to not indulge that type of thinking? If he uses dominating her, that would only enable her perception of him, and herself. Call it idealistic if you like, but a marriage is not supposed to be a battle of wills; it's supposed to be about making compromises for the betterment of the relationship. I'm not saying the OP should make any more sacrifices; he's jumped through those hoops, he's treated those burns after being raked over the coals...but I doubt reconciling would go over well, if he becomes borderline abusive in his treatment of her. Again, if he does decide to reconcile, she will obviously have a lot of heavy lifting to do to make up for the deception. That shouldn't involve accepting abuse in any form. OP is better than that; he'd merely be sinking to her level, if he indulged that type of thinking. Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 Last night we went late into the night with trying to get explanations. I never restored all the old emails to her PC, so she really couldn't remember what she had or had not written. I simply showed her a hefty stack of printouts and let her know I already had the answers to most of the questions I was asking. The main questions I had was: 1) Why did it happen? To her credit, she didn't blame me. She just said that being in a different environment surrounded by like minded people made her feel safe to do this. She was attracted to this guy and at first thought she would just do it "once". 2) Were there any others? She says no. I only half believe that. 3) How do I know I'm not the backup guy? What if he contacts her again, why would she not go to him? Although she assured me that I'm better and that she prefers me if she had to make the choice ... I can't believe her. I mean what else is she going to say? If there's anything that will keep me from moving forward, it's this. 4) Why beat me up about cheating when she did the same? She claims that she was going to tell me about hers, but she was so hurt by mine, that she focused on that. Then, according to her, once a few weeks had gone by, she felt it was already too late to confess without serious backlash. So she procrastinated forever. I suppose I can understand that, but it still doesn't explain her raking me over the coals for so long. If she was going to stay quiet, she could have at least taken it much easier on me. 5) Oral sex? At first she tried to say she can't remember doing that. Finally after I read email out loud, she admitted it. She claimed she didn't like doing it. So I had to read the part where not only she claims to have extraordinary oral skills, but she offers him oral sex for their next encounter. Finally she said she felt she needed to use sex to keep him. This part really sickened me. After my affair She had told 3 of her female friends, one of which suggested she leave me. I had called the other two to assure them they shouldn't feel awkward around us and that it was all my fault and I working to make things right. Turns out one of them knew about her cheating. The others did not. I told her she needs to contact them and set the record straight. She nodded, but I'm not convinced. Now some of you understand exactly what my issue is, and some of you don't. The issue here is NOT the cheating itself. Had she told me early on, it would have been a whole other story. But for the past 6 years, I've been carrying this guilt, this weight, because I was a scumbag cheater who was so fortunate to have a wife willing to give him a sevond chance. This is guilt and the self image that goes with it that I thought about every day. But she did the same, checked out of marriage and had the temerity to beat me up with the baton I supplied her through my own infidelity. And I feel like not only was she probably laughing to herself inside, I imagine that the OM was too. She kept him with her as her private protected secret for 7 years. It feels like she had a part of her that belonged only to him for all that time. Frankly, right now, I want a D. Nothing she can possibly do will ever fix this. Contact her OM's wife! Disclose the affair to her! What a piece of work your Hex of a wife is! If you want to call her your wife! BTW, I can't excuse your cheating, not cool by a long shot, however she's punished you needlessly the way she did knowing full well she screwed some other man! Link to post Share on other sites
Darth Vader Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 Contact her OM's wife! Disclose the affair to her! What a piece of work your Hex of a wife is! If you want to call her your wife! BTW, I can't excuse your cheating, not cool by a long shot, however she's punished you needlessly the way she did knowing full well she screwed some other man! I still wonder though, why did you leave (yeah I know), her ass should get the boot! Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 I still wonder though, why did you leave (yeah I know), her ass should get the boot! I think he just needs to take some time to mull it over, make sure the decision he makes is the right one for him. Agreed, though; I'm surprised he didn't boot her out of the house for a week, instead. Link to post Share on other sites
Author ISayWhoa Posted July 6, 2013 Author Share Posted July 6, 2013 (edited) Hello everyone. I had wild night that didn't end til the sun was up. I'm not used to that so I'm still recovering .. Lemme answer some questions: - I left the house because I didn't want her to know where I am. I know her well enough that kicking her out would be an ordeal, but not as much as trying to keep her out. This was way easier. It's only for a week. - I don't know what I want out of the marriage. Like I already mentioned before, I'm currently leaning very heavily towards a D. - And no, I do not in any way shape or form see this as a rebalancing of any scale. We are most definitely not on equal ground. Again, like I said a few times before, and I'll say it again, I don't condemn her for the cheating as much. If that were the only thing, I'd have no leg to stand on since I did the same. This is about her choice to skin me alive for 2 years and then hold my guilt over me for 6. It's also about me being the default second choice. The latter is my dealbreaker and is the main reason I'm leaning towards the D. I saw from the keylogger that she ordered 2 books from Amazon on affairs and recovery from affairs. She also bought a religious book. Edited July 6, 2013 by ISayWhoa 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 6, 2013 Share Posted July 6, 2013 Hello everyone. I had wild night that didn't end til the sun was up. I'm not used to that so I'm still recovering .. Lemme answer some questions: - I left the house because I didn't want her to know where I am. I know her well enough that kicking her out would be an ordeal, but not as much as trying to keep her out. This was way easier. It's only for a week. - I don't know what I want out of the marriage. Like I already mentioned before, I'm currently leaning very heavily towards a D. - And no, I do not in any way shape or form see this as a rebalancing of any scale. We are most definitely not on equal ground. Again, like I said a few times before, and I'll say it again, I don't condemn her for the cheating as much. If that were the only thing, I'd have no leg to stand on since I did the same. This is about her choice to skin me alive for 2 years and then hold my guilt over me for 6. It's also about me being the default second choice. The latter is my dealbreaker and is the main reason I'm leaning towards the D. I saw from the keylogger that she ordered 2 books from Amazon on affairs and recovery from affairs. She also bought a religious book. Glad you had a good night...though it sounds like your body needs to re-adapt to that kind of thing. As to your reasons, they are perfectly understandable. You've mentioned it several times, so hopefully no one else brings up the equal ground aspect anymore. In your shoes, I would feel much the same. If someone raked me over the coals as badly as she did to you over something they were also guilty of, retaliating would be my M.O. I imagine if she hadn't made you suffer as badly, you wouldn't be as angry, even despite the deception. It's the deception and the suffering she put you through for your indiscretion that angers you. That's a combo deal that would set anyone's teeth on edge. Do what you need to do to be happy, OP. As always, keep us in the loop of the goings-on. Interesting that she's looking into those books, though certainly not unexpected. Much respect, -Rebel- Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 - And no, I do not in any way shape or form see this as a rebalancing of any scale. We are most definitely not on equal ground. Again, like I said a few times before, and I'll say it again, I don't condemn her for the cheating as much. If that were the only thing, I'd have no leg to stand on since I did the same. This is about her choice to skin me alive for 2 years and then hold my guilt over me for 6. It's also about me being the default second choice. The latter is my dealbreaker and is the main reason I'm leaning towards the D. You keep repeating this perception of "second choice" but I don't think think that is necessarily a fair assumption. I am a fMOW, and my xMM ended our A the second time while I was fully hoping to continue the A. However, if my H had found out and I'd had a DDay, I would've chosen my H and worked to reconcile. Your W's ending of her A does not necessarily mean that you are second choice. You don't know what she would've done if she'd had a DDay then. Maybe a wake up call & snapped out if the fog to fix your marriage? Who knows? And after your DDay, you obviously wanted to save your M then, but your W could've had the except same impression of being your default choice. You did not end your A or confess of your own accord, who knows how long it would've gone on if you hadn't gotten caught? Or if you'd have ever confessed? So while I completely agree your wife has wronged you very deeply by not only keeping her A a secret and additionally holding it over you in such a perversely manipulative fashion, I don't think you can assume that you are her "second choice." Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 You keep repeating this perception of "second choice" but I don't think think that is necessarily a fair assumption. I am a fMOW, and my xMM ended our A the second time while I was fully hoping to continue the A. However, if my H had found out and I'd had a DDay, I would've chosen my H and worked to reconcile. Your W's ending of her A does not necessarily mean that you are second choice. You don't know what she would've done if she'd had a DDay then. Maybe a wake up call & snapped out if the fog to fix your marriage? Who knows? And after your DDay, you obviously wanted to save your M then, but your W could've had the except same impression of being your default choice. You did not end your A or confess of your own accord, who knows how long it would've gone on if you hadn't gotten caught? Or if you'd have ever confessed? So while I completely agree your wife has wronged you very deeply by not only keeping her A a secret and additionally holding it over you in such a perversely manipulative fashion, I don't think you can assume that you are her "second choice." I agree. When cheating married people see the spouse as second choice they actually leave the marriage. Most of these folks are cake eaters. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Hello everyone. I had wild night that didn't end til the sun was up. I'm not used to that so I'm still recovering .. Lemme answer some questions: - I left the house because I didn't want her to know where I am. I know her well enough that kicking her out would be an ordeal, but not as much as trying to keep her out. This was way easier. It's only for a week. - I don't know what I want out of the marriage. Like I already mentioned before, I'm currently leaning very heavily towards a D. - And no, I do not in any way shape or form see this as a rebalancing of any scale. We are most definitely not on equal ground. Again, like I said a few times before, and I'll say it again, I don't condemn her for the cheating as much. If that were the only thing, I'd have no leg to stand on since I did the same. This is about her choice to skin me alive for 2 years and then hold my guilt over me for 6. It's also about me being the default second choice. The latter is my dealbreaker and is the main reason I'm leaning towards the D. I saw from the keylogger that she ordered 2 books from Amazon on affairs and recovery from affairs. She also bought a religious book. You were never second choice. Your wife is a cake eater and cake eaters usually want to stay married to the spouse. They often throw the OW or OM under the bus. Her actions show she sees you as number 1. IMHO, the key questions are: 1. Has she been a good wife minus the affair? In otherwords what is the rest of your married life experience? 2. Do you want to keep your family? 3. Do you still love her? The HB suggests you probably do? 4. Did she cheat because she is insecure and with low self esteem? or Was her cheating based on simple philandering? Quite often women with low self esteem cheat because they get addicted to the high and lose the ethics. 5. Does she come from a family of cheaters? 6. Are you still having sex with her? 7. Is she remorseful? Buying those books suggests she may very well be. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 She was a cake eater - and might still be if her OM hadn't ended it. There's no way to know how long it may have lasted - or if she's done this other times because she doesn't offer up her truth. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 [/b] Im starting to wonder if some of the constant posters like this one are actually reading this thread. Addressing each bolded section: 1) what actions show that he is her number one? She got dumped, lied to him, lied after getting caught, and treated him like crap for several years.If this is number one I would hate to be number two. I was not there during the marriage. I think it is important to know what kind of wife is this woman. Insecure people with low self esteem cannot admit the truth. Admitting wrong doing is not in the nature of women with very low self esteem. They will always keep secrets to appear to be something else. When a married woman decides to have sex with another man it is safe to say the H is not No. 1.. But, I have seen men and women affair down to such an extent that it becomes clear this is not about finding a better mate. Quite often the affair is all about the unfaithful spouse looking for validation at all cost. 2) If you read this thread you would know that for several years she used his affair to get what she wanted and to treat him horribly. So your question about "whether she was a good wife other than the affair" is laughable because a good wife would not do this. No one is more indignant about been cheated on than a philanderer. And as I said, these folks will deny and deny as much as they can. The concept of coming clean is simply too painful for them They have zero self esteem and the last thing they want to do is admit they are worthless. 3) Your question about why she cheated does not matter. Whether she cheated because she has low self-esteem or not does not negate the fact that she cheated so who cares. Motive does not make the cheating better or worse I see your point, but I believe the BH needs to explore why she cheated. This will help him make a decision. 4) Are you really asking is she remorseful? Buying books does not make her remorseful. She had many years to act remorseful but instead she chose to take advantage of the situation which is not a sign of remorse. She used his cheating to her advantage and kept her cheating a secret.....this is not remorse. Only her BH will be able to tell if she is remorseful. However, buying books to save her marriage suggests that she is motivated. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Actually buying books means she's buying books. It doesn't indicate a true motivation to change the core, inner soul of who she's been. I know tons of people with many great books - and they've never read any of them. Link to post Share on other sites
beach Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 It'd be interesting 2 know which books. Some of the more "popular" infidelity survival books come with a website and a discussion forum. And some are worse than others... I'm not sayin'. I'm just sayin' -ol' 2long My friend - she's got as many spiritual books as a huge library... But she hasn't read one of them! It kills me! If his wife starts researching about what SHE can DO to repair the damage she's caused - that's a start. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
BrokenPrincess Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 Once again Im wondering if these people are actually reading this thread. He showed she was number one by breaking it off and CHOOSING his wife. Unless I read the thread wrong he pointed out several times that HE cut off contact once he was caught. This is choosing his wife. He was not dumped and this is how his wife knows he would rather be with her. I'm wondering if YOU actually read my post. He broke it off with his OW ONCE HE GOT CAUGHT. He did not end his A because he decided on his own that he wanted to focus on his M. He did not confess because he was consumed with guilt and wanted to repair his M. He was having sex with his OW at every opportunity they could (his words) until he got busted and THEN cut off contact with his OW so he could R. He's also mentioned that partially because his kids were young then. His W was not forced into making a choice with a DDay but if it come to that, she may very well have chosen her H and to R as well. The reality of breaking up your family seems to snap many out of the fantasy world of their As. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Mickey_Fitzpatrick Posted July 7, 2013 Share Posted July 7, 2013 In his mind (and I agree with it) he chose his wife by not leaving her for the OW even though he had the chance. When it came time to choose he picked his wife. His wife never chose him because she was DUMPED by the OM. The OP was not dumped by his OW instead he DUMPED her. What we know is that his wife had an affair, did things with the OM that she didn't do with her H, played the innocent wife while dragging him through the coals and lied even after being caught. What about her makes you think that she would have woken up and chosen her H? Everything that he has posted about her screams selfish I agree with this, but the wife's actions since being dumped by her affair partner deserve to be looked at as well. 1. She did stay in the marriage. 2. She also did continue to treat her husband poorly. The original poster has described the sex with his wife since her affair ended as boring and uninspired, not at all passionate, and she never did offer to him what she offered to the affair partner, even to this day. She used to do those things for him before they were married or after they first got married, but has not since then. There have been some sessions of angry sex since the betrayed discovered her affair, which may have been the best sex he's had his whole marriage, but still did not include those things she did with other man. 3. Would she have left her husband for the other man BACK THEN if the other man had been willing? The emails to her friends that she confided in say that she does not love her husband anymore and IN MY OPINION, I think she would have at least left her husband to explore what the other man had to offer. Other man was a personal trainer, I don't know the financial aspects and lifestyle aspects of the poster and his wife and how that would have affected the wife's decision to leave or stay. 4. Would she have resumed the affair a few months ago if other man had contacted her BEFORE betrayed husband found out about her affair? Given the uninspiring sex and the wife's apparent "just going through the motions" marriage, it is a distinct possibility, especially if she thought she could get away with it without being caught, to see if other man still was a possibility or maybe just because she is selfish and can't say no to the excitement. 5. Would she resume the affair right now, even after all that has happened? In my opinion, I don't think she would do it now, because other man is at this point an unknown quantity, he dumped her once, she would have to be willing to risk her marriage over something very uncertain. Back then was a different story, she was certain other man wanted her (until he didn't). 6. It's obvious the wife wants to save the marriage now, buying the self-help affair/infidelity books, crying and apologizing, completely changing her attitude and behavior, but only when faced with the prospect of facing the consequences of her actions, not because she realized her actions were wrong (which supposedly she realized long ago). I think these are the types of questions that are going through the original poster's head. And of course just about none of these questions have an answer, they all are just speculation and guess-work based on the wife's past and present behavior. A polygraph might help with the question of whether she had other affairs before or since, or with some factual details of the affairs or their marriage that the original poster has questions about, but it probably will not help with questions about her feelings, which seems to be the heart of the matter here. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
Author ISayWhoa Posted July 8, 2013 Author Share Posted July 8, 2013 I was going to write another response to cover what you just did. Now that I read yours, I see that you nailed it. This covers it all very nicely. Thanks. I agree with this, but the wife's actions since being dumped by her affair partner deserve to be looked at as well. 1. She did stay in the marriage. 2. She also did continue to treat her husband poorly. The original poster has described the sex with his wife since her affair ended as boring and uninspired, not at all passionate, and she never did offer to him what she offered to the affair partner, even to this day. She used to do those things for him before they were married or after they first got married, but has not since then. There have been some sessions of angry sex since the betrayed discovered her affair, which may have been the best sex he's had his whole marriage, but still did not include those things she did with other man. 3. Would she have left her husband for the other man BACK THEN if the other man had been willing? The emails to her friends that she confided in say that she does not love her husband anymore and IN MY OPINION, I think she would have at least left her husband to explore what the other man had to offer. Other man was a personal trainer, I don't know the financial aspects and lifestyle aspects of the poster and his wife and how that would have affected the wife's decision to leave or stay. 4. Would she have resumed the affair a few months ago if other man had contacted her BEFORE betrayed husband found out about her affair? Given the uninspiring sex and the wife's apparent "just going through the motions" marriage, it is a distinct possibility, especially if she thought she could get away with it without being caught, to see if other man still was a possibility or maybe just because she is selfish and can't say no to the excitement. 5. Would she resume the affair right now, even after all that has happened? In my opinion, I don't think she would do it now, because other man is at this point an unknown quantity, he dumped her once, she would have to be willing to risk her marriage over something very uncertain. Back then was a different story, she was certain other man wanted her (until he didn't). 6. It's obvious the wife wants to save the marriage now, buying the self-help affair/infidelity books, crying and apologizing, completely changing her attitude and behavior, but only when faced with the prospect of facing the consequences of her actions, not because she realized her actions were wrong (which supposedly she realized long ago). I think these are the types of questions that are going through the original poster's head. And of course just about none of these questions have an answer, they all are just speculation and guess-work based on the wife's past and present behavior. A polygraph might help with the question of whether she had other affairs before or since, or with some factual details of the affairs or their marriage that the original poster has questions about, but it probably will not help with questions about her feelings, which seems to be the heart of the matter here. Link to post Share on other sites
Pierre Posted July 8, 2013 Share Posted July 8, 2013 I was going to write another response to cover what you just did. Now that I read yours, I see that you nailed it. This covers it all very nicely. Thanks. Are you still having sex with your wife? Link to post Share on other sites
Author ISayWhoa Posted July 8, 2013 Author Share Posted July 8, 2013 Are you still having sex with your wife? No, I haven't seen her since a few days ago. I called her a couple of times to be sure all is ok. One of her friends called me and asked me if she could drop by to talk about this. I suspect she was mainly trying to find out where I was staying since I didn't tell my wife. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
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