Found out wife cheated 7 years ago

[beach]

I don't think involving other "friends" into your situation is helpful.

 

This is between you and your wife to figure out.

 

You decide - whether to stay and do the hard work to fix the broken marriage (based on whether or not your W can learn to be honest and do the heavy lifting) - or you end it.

 

 

You've had a few days of being away to think about it - and what you want - what does your gut tell you is the right decision?

[Owl]

What does it matter if your wife knows where you live, as long as she stays away?

 

Why 'hide' that information from her? To make her wonder/hurt more because she doesn't know?

 

I get the need for a seperation if that's what you need...but what's the point of not telling your wife where you're at so she knows you're ok?

[Chi townD]

Well, all if this is still very raw for you right now. I wouldn't make any hard decisions until some time has passed. If you're renting an apartment from week to week. I would recommend that you stay away for a bit more time.

 

The fact that she's ordering books and talking to people about what she's done to you is.....promising. HOWEVER! It doesn't not change her treatment towards you for the past several years.

 

 

I think you need more time to process everything.

[ISayWhoa]

What does it matter if your wife knows where you live, as long as she stays away?

 

Why 'hide' that information from her? To make her wonder/hurt more because she doesn't know?

 

I get the need for a seperation if that's what you need...but what's the point of not telling your wife where you're at so she knows you're ok?

Because she'll come over and try to talk and stay and whatever. That's the only reason.

[beach]

Because she'll come over and try to talk and stay and whatever. That's the only reason.

 

So you still don't trust her? That she won't try to control and manipulate you? And you don't trust that you would say no?

 

That should tell you everything you need to know.

 

Have you addressd your self control issues? This IS something you CAN change...

[ISayWhoa]

I don't think involving other "friends" into your situation is helpful.

 

This is between you and your wife to figure out.

 

You decide - whether to stay and do the hard work to fix the broken marriage (based on whether or not your W can learn to be honest and do the heavy lifting) - or you end it.

 

 

You've had a few days of being away to think about it - and what you want - what does your gut tell you is the right decision?

Honestly, I waver. Yesterday, I ws convinced I'd go for D. I enjoy my time alone quite a bit. I feel less stressed. And frankly, I think I put way more into this relationship than I'm getting back. So for now, I feel less stressed.

 

On the other hand, today, I miss her.

 

So I don't know.

[ISayWhoa]

So you still don't trust her? That she won't try to control and manipulate you? And you don't trust that you would say no?

 

That should tell you everything you need to know.

 

Have you addressd your self control issues? This IS something you CAN change...

Self control issues ..? What are you talking about exactly?

[beach]

Self control issues ..? What are you talking about exactly?

 

IF she knew here you lived - and YOUR ability to stay neutral if she showed up. Your self control to say NO if she offered up sex to you to manipulate your decision.

[ISayWhoa]

IF she knew here you lived - and YOUR ability to stay neutral if she showed up. Your self control to say NO if she offered up sex to you to manipulate your decision.

Is that what I said? I just don't want the hassle of having to have a discussion with her right now and I don't want the hassle of having to ask her to leave.

[CarrieT]

On the other hand, today, I miss her.

 

So I don't know.

This is why it is best to take some time to determine your best course - and often why a divorce takes several months.

 

You can start the separation proceedings and during those months that it takes for a divorce to become final, there might be a reconciliation.

 

Have you considered additional counseling for you just you?

[beach]

Is that what I said? I just don't want the hassle of having to have a discussion with her right now and I don't want the hassle of having to ask her to leave.

 

It may not be exactly what you said. That's why I was exploring your reasons for this kind of avoiding tactic you are using.

 

What is your purpose of avoiding? Has it allowed you the space and time to make a solid decision that you're willing to live with?

 

You're either going to go back and stay married or divorce her by leaving, yes?

[Chi townD]

I agree with Beach to a point. If she were to show up at his location; well, it's obvious that he's experiencing hysterical bonding. Now, the thing is, hysterical bonding is just a subconcious, primal and animalistic response to try and reclaim what he believes is his. This is usually a normal response.....but that's ALL that it is! It is NOT a symbol of forgiveness.

 

Unfortunately, because she probably doesn't realize what hysterical bonding is, any sexual encounter between them; she can view it as a level of forgiveness and a sign that they are on the road to recovery. So, any interaction between them right now would probably cloud the issues.

[ISayWhoa]

I agree with Beach to a point. If she were to show up at his location; well, it's obvious that he's experiencing hysterical bonding. Now, the thing is, hysterical bonding is just a subconcious, primal and animalistic response to try and reclaim what he believes is his. This is usually a normal response.....but that's ALL that it is! It is NOT a symbol of forgiveness.

 

Unfortunately, because she probably doesn't realize what hysterical bonding is, any sexual encounter between them; she can view it as a level of forgiveness and a sign that they are on the road to recovery. So, any interaction between them right now would probably cloud the issues.

It's simpler than that. I just want to avoid a scene where she comes over with a pie and tries to hang out for hours. I then have to aske her to leave and she's going to either want me to come home or for her to stay. And then I'm going to have to sit there and explain that I need my space .. I just don't want to deal with any of that.

[dichotomy]

It's simpler than that. I just want to avoid a scene where she comes over with a pie and tries to hang out for hours..

 

 

She could skip the pie and just come over with a can of whip cream and give you several hours of oral each day...and you will think about coming home.

 

 

 

Sorry - I thought maybe you could try to smile just once in all this.

[JustAReformedGirl]

For the record, I think what the OP is doing is the right course of action, given that this is his predicament. He needs time, and even with an iron-clad ability to say "No" to her, her coming over to wherever he is would still impede the process. As it stands, he's dealing with the emotional conflict of it without her influencing him.

 

You might need more than a week to sort out your feelings, OP. Do whatever you need to do-for you. I agree with Carrie; additional counselling might be of some help.

[Owl]

It's simpler than that. I just want to avoid a scene where she comes over with a pie and tries to hang out for hours. I then have to aske her to leave and she's going to either want me to come home or for her to stay. And then I'm going to have to sit there and explain that I need my space .. I just don't want to deal with any of that.

 

Hmmm....so what ARE you doing to "deal with all of that"?

 

Is this helping you sort through things at all? Helping you come to a decision on what you want to do from here?

 

To me this seems like a bit of a 'power play'...you're wanting her to suffer for all of this.

 

You'll find that this is ultimately a useless thing to do. It doesn't make you feel any better, and it doesn't help the situation either.

 

So...what are you doing to work through this and decide where things are headed from here?

[Scrivdog]

The guy left last Friday. He planned to stay for a week. What, now it's a power play? Where do you people get this stuff?

 

Hmmm....so what ARE you doing to "deal with all of that"?

 

Is this helping you sort through things at all? Helping you come to a decision on what you want to do from here?

 

To me this seems like a bit of a 'power play'...you're wanting her to suffer for all of this.

 

You'll find that this is ultimately a useless thing to do. It doesn't make you feel any better, and it doesn't help the situation either.

 

So...what are you doing to work through this and decide where things are headed from here?

[Scrivdog]

Yeah, I mean he's a whole entire weekend. Why is he dragging his feet? This board need a :facepalm: emote.

 

 

It may not be exactly what you said. That's why I was exploring your reasons for this kind of avoiding tactic you are using.

 

What is your purpose of avoiding? Has it allowed you the space and time to make a solid decision that you're willing to live with?

 

You're either going to go back and stay married or divorce her by leaving, yes?

[Scrivdog]

She would deserve kudos for that. That would be the smart thing for her to do. But of course this will never happen.

 

She could skip the pie and just come over with a can of whip cream and give you several hours of oral each day...and you will think about coming home.

 

 

 

Sorry - I thought maybe you could try to smile just once in all this.

[drifter777]

It's simpler than that. I just want to avoid a scene where she comes over with a pie and tries to hang out for hours. I then have to aske her to leave and she's going to either want me to come home or for her to stay. And then I'm going to have to sit there and explain that I need my space .. I just don't want to deal with any of that.

 

Hold your ground however you can. The longer you stay away from her the better your chances of making the decision that's best for you. You left so you could end the pain of having to look at her cheating face every day and to escape her manipulation. Yeah, its hard because of all your history, but you know she will use every weapon she can think of (kids, sex, money, etc.) to try to convince you to "just put it in the past". Wait until you are ready to take action before you submit yourself to her presence.

[Owl]

The guy left last Friday. He planned to stay for a week. What, now it's a power play? Where do you people get this stuff?

 

"You people"?

 

Come on in here and demonstrate your genius with some awesome advice...I'd love to hear it.

[Scrivdog]

Somebody told him to get the W to send a NC letter to the guy. I can't beat that.

 

But my advice is to go for the D. I see no upside for the guy staying. He's got doubts about where he really stands and he always will - and he gets crappy sex for all his troubles. I say take this new discovery as and treat it as a "get out of jail" free card.

 

Mkay?

 

Oh, and get at least one BJ from her beforehand, though.

 

"You people"?

 

Come on in here and demonstrate your genius with some awesome advice...I'd love to hear it.

Edited July 8, 2013 by Scrivdog

[Owl]

Somebody told him to get the W to send a NC letter to the guy. I can't beat that.

 

But my advice is to go for the D. I see no upside for the guy staying. He's got doubts about where he really stands and he always will - and he gets crappy sex for all his troubles. I say take this new discovery as and treat it as a "get out of jail" free card.

 

Mkay?

 

What benefit to sending a NC letter to a guy she's not seen nor "been with" in over seven years???

 

How does that change anything in this situation for the better?

 

I've got no issue with the divorce advice...it's one possible outcome, and may well be his best course of action.

 

He's never needed a "get out jail free" card. No one ever has. Divorce remains an option throughout the entire length of a marriage. He's been just as capable of walking away from this marriage (as good or bad as it's been) this entire time. Now he's got more info with which to make his decision...

 

But I stand by my observation about "power play". That's actually been his MO throughout his recent time of discovery.

 

He just needs to figure out what it is he wants to do...and make it happen.

 

And look...no "you people" required.

[Chi townD]

Somebody told him to get the W to send a NC letter to the guy. I can't beat that.

 

But my advice is to go for the D. I see no upside for the guy staying. He's got doubts about where he really stands and he always will - and he gets crappy sex for all his troubles. I say take this new discovery as and treat it as a "get out of jail" free card.

 

Mkay?

 

Well, of course he has these feelings! He just litterally discover this stuff a few days ago! People are going to tell him to stay. Some people are going to tell him to get divorced and some people are going to tell him to wait until the dust settles. But, lets not lose sight that this is an advice forum. All we can do is give him advice. Ultimately the decision is his. All we can do is support him in whatever decision he choosen, whether we agree with it or not.

[Scrivdog]

Well, of course he has these feelings! He just litterally discover this stuff a few days ago! People are going to tell him to stay. Some people are going to tell him to get divorced and some people are going to tell him to wait until the dust settles. But, lets not lose sight that this is an advice forum. All we can do is give him advice. Ultimately the decision is his. All we can do is support him in whatever decision he choosen, whether we agree with it or not.

Thats all true. We're not standing in the man's shoes. But there's nothing wrong with offering some perspective. A man in his state can't always be sure he's thinking straight, so if you want to help, you let him know when he's messing up or if he's not.