My wife left suddenly.

[Nervous]

Hello. I'm new here and could use some advice. Here's my story. I've been married nearly 7 years, been together 13 years in total. I have 2 kids from a previous marriage and a step daughter from this one who I've known since she was about 3.

 

I thought my marriage was bombproof. I told my wife often that I love her and she would tell me the same. We did lots of things together. We've overcame major problems over the years. I thought all the tough times were behind us and the future was ours for the taking. Until 3 weeks ago.

 

She dropped the bomb that she wasn't happy and felt that she was trapped and needed to be on her own. When asked what the problem was, she would just say "everything".

It seems all the difficulties we had, which I thought we'd got through and done with nearly 2 years ago. Were still festering within her. She also said I was mean financially despite paying for the house, car, fuel, food, holidays including spending money and most major household goods when we needed them. I also cooked and helped out with chores.

 

The first week we sat across from each other mostly in silence. I was devastated and asked her not to go through with the split but it made no difference. The second week she went to housesit for a relative who was away. She told me she needed peace to think things through. I was beside myself but kept contact to a minimum all the time hoping she'd come back.

She told me she was definately going at the end of week 2.

 

This is the end of week 3 and she's moving into rented accomodation this weekend and as I type this I'm waiting on a call to arrange her visit to collect the rest of the things she wants. It's just clothes and a few personal objects. She wants some money too, her share of the property value, which is do-able and in my opinion, fair. She's getting the pets as well.

 

I still love her very much and want her back desperately. I feel that her new venture isn't financially viable (she has a bit of debt but it's not insurmountable if we worked at it together) and that she's digging a bigger hole for herself. She tells me she loves me and misses me but it's not going to change the mission that she's on. She IS going and that's that.

 

I'm so lost and lonely and don't know what to do with myself. I'm conemplating an empty life just now and it's hurting me bad.

My wife seems confused and doesn't seem to have thought this through judging by the speed that this has happened.

I need some advice.

Please help.

Thanks.

Edited June 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator
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[aloneinaz]

You need to change your mindset that it's over. She was clearly not happy in the relationship and finally built up the guts to end it. She'd probably been unhappy for sometime before telling you. They just don't wake and end it. Thinking she'll come back will only hurt your recovery time. View it that the relationship ran it's course and now your available to find a better one.

 

The best thing you can do until you sort thru the joint financial stuff is have limited contact w/her. Once she gets her stuff and is gone, try NC FOR YOU to heal and move on. It natural to now want her back, feel lonely, rejected, etc. You need to go through these feelings and understand the only thing that will make it better is time. Don't dwell on any past mistakes you made in this relationship. I'm sure she made her share as well.

 

You've gone thru your divorce and survived it and went on to me this one. You'll survive this as well and go on to find someone else as well.

 

Keep posting and reading here. It does help to know you're not the only one going through a tough break up.

Edited June 29, 2013 by a LoveShack.org Moderator

[2.50 a gallon]

I know she expressed some misgivings years ago. But what about last month? Was she telling you two months ago about things the two of you need to work on? When things move this quickly my first suspicious thought is that there is an OM involved.

 

Time to snoop and make sure that there is not an OM

 

To be brutally honest it sounds as if her mind is made up.

 

What is this money and her share of the property value?

 

Have you thought that her claim that you are mean financially is away to manipulate you into overpaying your share.

 

This is her idea to be on her own. She should pay for it.

 

Time to really be mean financially cut her off, file and let the court decided what is fair financially and let her handle her debts

[Nervous]

Thanks Aloneinaz. I dont think NC is going to happen right now as she only moved in to the new place last night. There's still a lot of utilities that need to be changed over. As for the signs, well, it was hard to tell when she was genuinely unhappy about something as she seems to complain about a lot of things. However I'll agree about the amount of time she was mulling this over. It's like this was what she wanted most rather than have a serious discussion about it. When we did come to talk about it after the bomb had dropped she just kept hitting me with past troubles, even though I thought we'd been fine together for the last 20 months.

[Nervous]

Hi 2.50. Thanks for your input.

I really don't think there's an OM. I'm pretty sure I'd know. We were together most of the time. She also says that she thinks men are all the same and she's had enough of us. As for the property, the place is up for sale, I'm getting all the stuff in the house. She just wants her share of the projected profit. I would get the same amount too. If I decide to stay here then I would owe her that amount. If she went to court I reckon she could nail me for a lot more, child payments, half my savings, half of my pension etc.

That's why I'm ok with this request and she's not nagging for it right away either.

[karnak]

I really don't think there's an OM. I'm pretty sure I'd know. We were together most of the time. She also says that she thinks men are all the same and she's had enough of us.

 

Sorry, but there probably is another man. She's just lying about it and keeping him under cover until the dust has settled and she's divorced.

[trippi1432]

She also says that she thinks men are all the same and she's had enough of us.

 

Has she always had that mindset or is that something new lately?

[M30USA]

She also says that she thinks men are all the same and she's had enough of us.

 

That's very telling. It possibly suggests that it has nothing to do with you, but rather something she needs time to sort through. This doesn't mean she will come back to you. She may never. It means that she needs "peace", as she said, to think about what she wants.

 

I would move on with your life. Take this time to do the things you've always wanted to do but never were able when married. Also you should be continually improving yourself. Whether that means your character, your finances, or your personal fulfillment, now is the time. She is going to do what she is going to do and it's clear that you have no control over that. When life gives you lemons, make lemonade. Some people have gotten damn good at that. You have to. This is the life we are living.

[Balzac]

If she went to court I reckon she could nail me for a lot more, child payments, half my savings, half of my pension etc.

 

Child support? I'm not following. Did you legally adopt her not biogically your's child?

[Nervous]

M30USA. I like what you're saying but it's happening so quickly I need to get my head sorted out. I'm very lonely at the moment but I'm trying hard to stay normal.

[Nervous]

Child support? I'm not following. Did you legally adopt her not biogically your's child?

 

I've been told I may have an obligation to this. I haven't had time to check it.

[Balzac]

Are you in the USA?

 

Told by "whom"???

[Nervous]

Are you in the USA?

 

Told by "whom"???

 

I'm in the UK. I was told by possibly misinformed friends.

[Steadfast]

I still love her very much and want her back desperately. I feel that her new venture isn't financially viable (she has a bit of debt but it's not insurmountable if we worked at it together) and that she's digging a bigger hole for herself. She tells me she loves me and misses me but it's not going to change the mission that she's on. She IS going and that's that.

 

You are not just lonely but no doubt are experiencing substantial shock and emotional turmoil. Because of this, it is useless (right now) to push healing in the form of 'going out' to forget, or working towards reigniting lost passions. Do not feel badly about yourself; the more we love someone, the deeper the pit we face when losing them. Do not make things worse by being depressed about depressing things. It is a normal reaction.

 

As for your wife, you must understand that given the nature of these things (as experienced by many here, all over the world) it is a complete waste of time to try and convince her of anything. That is to say, you cannot make it better (if having her return is your definition of that) but you can make things worse. Desperation is your enemy here. It will drive her away quicker and more completely, and leave you feeling even worse about yourself. Honest expression is encouraged, but only in doses where she does not feel you're trying to manipulate. You can't make her. She has a choice. She always did. So, in fact, do you. Do not force. Fight to retain your dignity. It is in your best interests and those are paramount.

 

I'm so lost and lonely and don't know what to do with myself. I'm conemplating an empty life just now and it's hurting me bad. My wife seems confused and doesn't seem to have thought this through judging by the speed that this has happened.

 

As stated, she has thought plenty of it. Know that. You are catching up.

 

My advice starting now is to focus on three important areas: your finances, your work, and your self care. Make sure you have enough to afford the basics. See a professional ASAP for the long-term arrangement. You must. Do not work with her on finances. She shouldn't be trusted and you are in no condition to make important decisions. Hear this!

 

Basic survival means rest and healthy food to sustain you while awake. Do all you can to put her out of your mind when working. Inform your superiors what you are dealing with personally and encourage council. Be professional. Finally, enlist the helpful shoulder of a trusted friend or relative to vent, talk, and work through emotional issues. Post here.

 

Your wife's actions and words are consistent with someone involved in an affair. Generally, those suffering and/or generally confused or scared tend to move closer to those they love. Her wanting 'space' and 'time' is a huge red flag that should not be ignored. Tell me; has she experienced a life-changing event recently? The death of a loved one? Change in career? A close friend or co-worker going through a divorce? Think hard. It'll help.

 

Someone, or something is influencing her. She is not acting alone.

 

Whether or not you decide to investigate is up to you. Many need to know, for very obvious reason (read: disease). The facts are, she is leaving and ultimately, the reasons why will pale with the reality of it. She is doing, you are dealing. Do this in a way that sets you up for success, not failure.

 

Take comfort in knowing this is the worst of it. You will follow a pattern of behavior, including anger and denial. Post often. Keep us informed.

Edited June 29, 2013 by Steadfast

[imtooconfused]

Your wife's actions and words are consistent with someone involved in an affair.

 

Agreed

 

Someone, or something is influencing her. She is not acting alone.

 

Agreed

 

Hi 2.50. Thanks for your input.

I really don't think there's an OM. I'm pretty sure I'd know. We were together most of the time. She also says that she thinks men are all the same and she's had enough of us.

 

Don't discount the fact that there could be another woman. It certainly would not be the first time.

[Nervous]

You are not just lonely but no doubt are experiencing substantial shock and emotional turmoil. Because of this, it is useless (right now) to push healing in the form of 'going out' to forget, or working towards reigniting lost passions. Do not feel badly about yourself; the more we love someone, the deeper the pit we face when losing them. Do not make things worse by being depressed about depressing things. It is a normal reaction.

 

Best advice I've heard so far. Thanks.

[Nervous]

Well the pets are gone as of yesterday. No particular problems handing them over. When I got back home after it I felt like they were still there because you're programmed to do things at certain times for them, so it was wierd and I understand why.

Today I went for a long walk with a trusted friend and I actually feel a bit better (less anxious, less preoccupied) even though I still face lonliness at home.

The collecting of belongings has stalled but probably due to transport problems on her side. Don't really care to be honest.

I'm going to sort out the utilities tomorrow and have a word with my lawyer to run it past him.

A lot of the posts are about the OM situation. I'm not convinced he exists. My wife and I work in the same place and I'm pretty switched on when it comes to being aware of what's going on. If he exists, that's closure and that's fine by me.

I feel a lot better today although I'm not counting chickens. LS is very good and is helping me get through this ODAAT.

Thanks for all your input. I'm very grateful for it.

[Steadfast]

The same freewill that brings people together can also take them apart. Some are empowered by their promises, others feel trapped by them. When this happens, love leaves. This, sadly, indicates the promise wasn't genuine.

 

Keep your eyes open. Measure your words carefully. A friend once told me that kindness defuses hostility. In this way, we can be part of the solution, not part of the problem. A forced smile will become natural with practice.

 

I am encouraged by the tone of your words. Know there is an end to the pain. What you do will determine how quickly and completely that comes.

 

Keep posting.

[Tom amoss]

I have no wise words like the others, other than I am now into 4 months and the house is now going to be sold. Its over for me.

But you will be OK. i'm still having my bad times, but i know I will be OK and so will you.

just know that you are not alone. Take care U

[trippi1432]

Don't discount the fact that there could be another woman. It certainly would not be the first time.

 

Sort of what I was alluding to on my previous post about her saying all men are the same. Influence is a big thing...and not always an affair, but even a gaggle of male hating women can have influence as well. Why I was wondering if that has always been a mindset of hers or something new.

[elfman]

Hey Nervous,

 

Sorry to hear you're going through this. From what I gather, you have to consider that you do not know everything that's going on inside her head or in her life. Trust me, I got a few surprises myself when the dust settled after my separation, (meaning do not cross off the OM theory or the WAW syndrome theory just yet).

 

I do not know if you read about this, but "The 180" does wonders, for it to work in your situation, imo, I'd stress the following points:

 

1.- Play it cool, make it seem like you understand her need to leave and also that you are not dying because of it, that you simply see it as an obstacle, but you are not willing to hang your happiness on her sudden decision.

2.- DO NOT let her see you depressed, begging, crying, etc.

3.- Make it seem like you YOURSELF are actually contemplating the benefits of being on your own.

4.- Make it easy for her to move out/walk, if you do not pressure her it will at least hasten the process of her understanding what she is getting herself into or out of, meaning she will see the results of this new "plan" she came up with faster, helping YOU take a look at the big picture as soon as posible.

 

The first time my wife wanted to leave the 180 did wonders, regrettably now that I think about it if I had not applied it, we would've saved ourselves the hassle of 2 more years together.

 

Hope this helps and wish you all the luck in the world with getting her back, which I assume is what you want from your posts.

 

E.

[Nervous]

Elfman. Thanks that's pretty much the way of thinking I'm moving towards. The house is clean and tidy, so am I. I'm getting out for a little while here and there but not socially, just visiting parents, country walk or two. I'm not showing her desparation when I talk to her. She has to get her stuff and I'm being real easy with that no problem. I'm getting the letters for changing some of the utilities which I'm doing.

I'm still focused on accepting she's not coming back. It's hard but if I don't it maybe worse for me in the long run.

[Nervous]

Sort of what I was alluding to on my previous post about her saying all men are the same. Influence is a big thing...and not always an affair, but even a gaggle of male hating women can have influence as well. Why I was wondering if that has always been a mindset of hers or something new.

 

I really don't think it's another woman. It made me smile though.

[elfman]

Elfman. Thanks that's pretty much the way of thinking I'm moving towards. The house is clean and tidy, so am I. I'm getting out for a little while here and there but not socially, just visiting parents, country walk or two. I'm not showing her desparation when I talk to her. She has to get her stuff and I'm being real easy with that no problem. I'm getting the letters for changing some of the utilities which I'm doing.

I'm still focused on accepting she's not coming back. It's hard but if I don't it maybe worse for me in the long run.

 

You're on the right track buddy, keep it up! Definitely, if there is one thing noone will refund you for it is YOUR TIME, meaning, the sooner we get it through our skulls that we deserve better, and that our wives deserve the right to f*** up everything, and that's ok, the sooner we can move on and start anew...

 

Cheers!

 

E

[revitup]

I see lots of great advice here.You will soon see things you had missed before.None of us here have enough information to really "see" what's going on with your wife.

 

FOG is all over you now and only time alone with yourself will get that to move out of the way.You will begin to heal in a short time.It will be faster if you follow the good advice of 180's and no contact as well as "making it easy" for her to go away.

 

What you become as a man because of what is happening to you,is more important than "why" this all happened.

 

It all happened to make you stronger or destroy you as a man.It's just a test and you alone decide what you will be from today forward.

 

I think you will be a better man for overcoming this bad deal you have on your plate.

 

GOOD LUCK

 

REVITUP