My wife left suddenly.

[Nervous]

Well I woke up today about 9am. Not bad, but I felt so anxious I was physically shaking. I got up, made coffee and forced some breakfast down.

Today is the day I went to sort out my utilities and I think it was the stress of why I actually needed to do this stuff that was really getting to me.

I really didn't want to do all this.

But I did it and it went ok. The people I saw were very helpful, understanding and kind. I only have my tv package to change and I'm quite excited about getting Tivo and faster Internet.

She came to move her stuff and I helped her take it to her place in the car, it's a two minute drive away. The flat is nothing special for what it costs to rent. I'm not long back but I immediately dusted all the empty drawers and spread my stuff out neater. I feel better for doing it.

I made a nice ham salad for my dinner and enjoyed eating it. I forgot to mention that I saw my lawyer today and was encouraged when he told me to just leave things the way they are at the moment if neither my wife or I want a war. He said he'd be happy to act for both of us if it comes down to the final property split, so I was happy with that too.

Having said all that, I wouldn't say Im liking this situation, i want her back alright but I'm not begging and I'm not getting emotional about it. I just say "you don't have to do this, you know?".

Its enormously difficult and painful and it's grinding me down and tiring me out but I'm functioning.

I find I like after 9pm best.

I like a hot water bottle in bed

and I like Reading the posts on LS for ideas and comfort.

Thank you all once again.

[Steadfast]

The combination of foresight and genuine emotion is the best formula for healing IMO. Retaining control of you when things are out of control indicates strong character and humility. Up to the challenge, but cautious.

 

Very proud of you Nervous. Keep taking care of you.

[Nervous]

The combination of foresight and genuine emotion is the best formula for healing IMO. Retaining control of you when things are out of control indicates strong character and humility. Up to the challenge, but cautious.

 

Very proud of you Nervous. Keep taking care of you.

 

Thanks. I'm encouraged by your support.

I'm doing the keeping cool and being easy but I wish I was feeling it. Life is rather hum drum at the moment. I'm scared of disappearing into isolation.

I'm busy doing nothing.

[Steadfast]

I'm doing the keeping cool and being easy but I wish I was feeling it. Life is rather hum drum at the moment. I'm scared of disappearing into isolation. I'm busy doing nothing.

 

I suspect that deep down, you prefer isolation over pity. At least I did.

 

You are right in the middle of a huge transition Nervous. Let it cycle around. You are in control because you aren't overburdening yourself with frivolous things that would waste your energy. Like chasing her...begging.

 

Sadly, the reality is toilets will overflow, toes will stub and cars won't start whether you're happily married or not. New problems stack on top of old ones. I am not sure what the bolded means, but if you think you are missing an angle to get her back, you're not. She knows you love her and what's more, you're proving it. She wants to go. To be happy. You let her.

 

No one can say 100%, but women generally don't turn loose of men they love. She might think you'll 'always be there'. She might think wrong.

 

Sort out your next move and see it through. Let this play out. Be ready.

[Nervous]

Well another day is done.

It wasn't a bad day at that. I went to the post office and then visited a friend and we had a laugh. I cooked dinner and ate it. I watched a bit of television after that I've got myself snug in bed.

My wife returned to work today. I found I didn't think about her too much. I known I shouldn't be dwelling on her at all I've read the advice.

She told me her day was ok. I was glad for her. I understand that this is not easy for her either. I feel no animosity from her or for her if I'm honest. I'm done wondering if she's going to come back. I'm going to accept the reality of the situation and continue to adapt myself into new routines. This is going to be difficult but i'm going to be patient and let it happen naturally. I feel it coming. My mood is altering slightly away from fear and anxiety to something different. I don't know this mood, it's new on me.

 

Thanks all.

[Nervous]

Well, new moods are not unshakeable. I spent the day mostly out but I was not really present mentally during it. I wanted to have a nice day out to a different town but I ended up being restless and frustrated.

I'm struggling with the thoughts of what she's done here and the 3 short weeks it's happened in. The thinking and planning that went into this being contemplated.

Very sneakily done.

So why do I not despise her?

I don't. Nor do I think I will. When think about all she said was wrong in our relationship I wonder why she married me in the first place.

Time goes on and I wonder where this will go. I'm 45 for gods sake! I don't want to be on my own just now!

What should i be occupying myself with right now?

There must be something to stop my mind constantly analyzing this.

[coaches24]

Well, new moods are not unshakeable. I spent the day mostly out but I was not really present mentally during it. I wanted to have a nice day out to a different town but I ended up being restless and frustrated.

I'm struggling with the thoughts of what she's done here and the 3 short weeks it's happened in. The thinking and planning that went into this being contemplated.

Very sneakily done.

So why do I not despise her?

I don't. Nor do I think I will. When think about all she said was wrong in our relationship I wonder why she married me in the first place.

Time goes on and I wonder where this will go. I'm 45 for gods sake! I don't want to be on my own just now!

What should i be occupying myself with right now?

There must be something to stop my mind constantly analyzing this.

 

I didn't start resenting my wife right away. It took a bit of time. At first I went through what seemed like every second of our time together to

figure out where I went wrong. It was after that and the fact my wife wasn't trying to do anything to make things better that I started feeling resentment.

 

I am over 3 months in now and I still analyze our situation constantly. My daughter is my only saving grace right now as I am not even working right now because I am a teacher and am off for the summer. Im 40 and have the same feelings of not wanting to be alone and starting over.

[Steadfast]

I'm struggling with the thoughts of what she's done here and the 3 short weeks it's happened in. The thinking and planning that went into this being contemplated.

Very sneakily done.

So why do I not despise her?

 

Because it's very early on, and despite what you feel are normal activities, you're still in shock. What's really encouraging is that you're not in denial...which is one reason why my messages here to you are so positive. You are aware. In time, some anger will come. Some resentment too. All normal and expected. As I suggested before, measure your words carefully and avoid talking about the relationship with her. If that situation presents itself and you decide to pursue it, she'll be much more inclined to listen.

 

In summary, your heart might be expecting her to swoop in with the love it misses. Your head sees it differently. It recognizes her tone of finality and accepts the fact. You are torn and that can make a person feel lost.

 

When think about all she said was wrong in our relationship I wonder why she married me in the first place.

Time goes on and I wonder where this will go. I'm 45 for gods sake! I don't want to be on my own just now!

What should i be occupying myself with right now?

There must be something to stop my mind constantly analyzing this.

 

The analyzing won't stop anytime soon. You're only three-weeks in. Has any paperwork been filed yet? Any discussions about dividing the property and bills/loans? Perhaps what you need is to move the split forward.

 

Limbo is not a place you want to stay in long.

 

Concentrate on the present; where will you live? How is your work performance? Are you eating right? Are friends or family available when you don't feel like being alone? In my case, I began doing something I had never done; read novels. Sometimes it would take me three or four months to finish one, but it waited for me. I stopped watching TV when I got divorced. I pay the stupid satellite bill every month for nothing.

 

Forty-five? You are just entering the prime age to meet the kind of women you always dreamed of knowing. Intelligent, beautiful (I can't elaborate, but yes, breathtakingly beautiful) women young enough to burst with energy yet wise enough to appreciate a sincere man. Please don't worry.

 

We all have two lives. The one we planned, and the one we end up with. Keep putting the work and you'll turn this heartbreaking negative into a life-changing positive. I'm proof. I was older than you when my wife left, not especially handsome or wealthy, but life bloomed anyway. Chin up.

Edited July 4, 2013 by Steadfast

[elfman]

Hey Bud,

 

Hope you're doing better. You say you're 45 and do not want to be own your own right now... ask yourself this: Do you want to be 50, or 55, and face exactly the same situation? Meaning you have to handle this no matter how bad you think the outcome can be, because NOONE will refund your time.

 

When my ex asked for a separation I was 32 and I begged, then finally when I separated I was 34, and I thought, wow, great, I have to start from scratch at 34! But trust me, I am 36 now I and I would not go back if she waited with 50 billion dollars covering her naked body for me to take off hehehe.

 

As to resenting her, or hating her... hope you never get there... what you're aiming for is PITYing her, once you reach that point you are free. I hated my ex for a bit, then it quickly faded and I convinced myself that I did not care anymore...

 

As to what to occupy yourself with, do this, walk in front of a mirror, there is you answer! Excercise, work out, go to the beach, take yourself out to see a movie, go fishing... STAY BUSY... if money is an obstacle, (like it was in my case 2 years ago) jog, run... do it when the park or avenue is covered with young tightly clad women, grab an mp3 player and rock your ears out at full volume... whatever it takes, stay busy!

 

I am going to throw one out here that you have not talked about or asked about, but it was constantly in my damn mind when I was separating. You see, because my relationship with my ex had deteriorated beyond repair, my performance in the sack was awful... so I kept letting myself be absolutely scared about the prospect of having to perform with a new mate... Well let me tell you, IT IS ALL Psychological... After a few months surely I took a woman out and ended up sleeping with her... let's just say she kept asking if 9 times was the usual thing for me, with a scared look on her face... I put this out there because in the back of our minds feelings of inadequacy can bloom if we dont talk about them. I also met a few friends to whom this happened too, and it seems common when dealing with the question "What will I do if she leaves?"...

 

BTW, 45 is like being 20 man, you're in your ****ING PRIME!

 

 

 

Take care.

 

E.

Edited July 4, 2013 by elfman

[Nervous]

Went to the doctor today. I was feeling ok this morning and had a chat with him and I'm happy to return to work on Monday. It'll occupy me and I will be around people. I'm going to have to get more outgoing with people to survive this.

I saw my wife tonight as I dropped off some things to her. She was a little teary and upset. She said she was sure about what she is doing. I can't do anything about that except wait and see.

I've spoken about splitting our bills etc previously and that's almost done and I'm ok with that, she's only been gone from the house for 17 days after all. What's getting to me is the loneliness, its just the worst thing about this. It comes with a healthy dose of despair too.

I've got to find a way around these emotions first but how?

[elfman]

Again, stay busy, keeping your mind occupied is important during this time, otherwise you'll grind yourself to a pulp before you realize you have to work on your self-esteem to survive this.

[Nervous]

Today was the best I've had in nearly a month. It was nice and sunny and I got up and did my waste most of the morning reading and drinking coffee routine. I find I like doing this. Then I did some laundry and house cleaning. I visited a friend and we went into the city together and that was fun. Whilst there I bumped into my wife unexpectedly (I don't live in a huge city). I was very smartly dressed today, I thought that I'd make an effort after these weeks of consuming pain and hurt. She looked great, I'm still in love with her after all. We spoke briefly, hugged and parted and I carried on with my day. In the evening after dinner I sent her an email to say that it was nice to see her and I told her she had looked wonderful today. She respoded by saying that I had been looking not too bad myself.

Now before you all start telling me not to read too much into this, let me tell you that I don't harbour expectations anymore. I've found as you all have advised me that they set you back a bit.

What's good about this incident is that it made me feel good about me!

It could be that the new mood I was talking about earlier is confidence.

I'm confident that I can look after myself in every way and do every task for myself.

This must have been noted by her today and that alone made me feel good. I didn't feel the anxiety and yearning of previous weeks. I'm not counting chickens folks but this has to be a corner turned don't you think?

Having said that I'd still rip the hinges off the door to let her back. It's such a conflicting time.

[Steadfast]

...We spoke briefly, hugged and parted and I carried on with my day. In the evening after dinner I sent her an email to say that it was nice to see her and I told her she had looked wonderful today. *snip* This must have been noted by her today and that alone made me feel good. I didn't feel the anxiety and yearning of previous weeks. I'm not counting chickens folks but this has to be a corner turned don't you think?

 

Having hope is a good thing. Hope for the future should bring positive feelings and happiness. However, hope towards her having a change of heart and her feelings returning might cause a setback. I can say this and know you understand. The heart loves who it loves. IMO, criticizing love is wrong, as would me encouraging you to remain positive about your departed wife's affections. Probable: you feel attractive again, she's just happy you're not resentful. I don't know for sure. It's the law of averages.

 

 

See it for what it is. Fact: remaining strong and dedicated to moving on towards bigger and better things will serve you well. Regardless of what she does, or doesn't do. Always keep in mind that a woman who loves her man would never risk losing him due to confusion. Dedicated love and romance doesn't tolerate that kind of close examination. We act.

[Darren Steez]

Sorry, but there probably is another man. She's just lying about it and keeping him under cover until the dust has settled and she's divorced.

 

or maybe she just wanted out the marriage...as bizarre as that may sound

[brokenHeartLad]

Hi Nervous,

 

I am in the same position as you just now in that my wife out of the blue said she wants a divorce. If you feel up to it you can read my thread-- all happened so fast.

 

I have felt insurmountable pain regarding this and please know that you are not alone - i feel your heartache right now - I cried not 5 minutes ago!

 

But you know what i stopped my self from slipping into further pain by saying to myself " stop it - I will survive this "

 

When you feel that self doubt creeping in and the pain starts overwhelming take a deep breath and say " i will be alright"

 

This is hard to do I know , believe me when i say im a broken man just now but this really helps !

 

hope you feel better soon buddy

[hayewils]

Hi Nervous,

Im 4 months in now since my wife told me she was done.

The first couple months was the absolute worst for me as im sure it is for everyone. Today, things are much easier. After she left, being home was difficult but wasnt as bad as being anywhere else. Everywhere i was, work, my parents, outside. Whatever, i didnt want to be there. I couldnt wait to go home and basically hide. I went to bed at night and noticed that i found myself locking the bedroom door, i never did that before unless something private was about to take place. Ive now stopped locking that door and have come to a better place in my mind knowing that yes, i will make it through this, and so will you.

Ive come to terms with everything for the most part. Ive stopped anylizing so much, although i still do. Ive come to terms and have acceptes that she was unhappy and there is nothing i can do except move myself forward to healing.

I chatted with her through email about some financial stuff and she was very cold to me. It made me see exactly what i had been dealing with the last several months before she left. Do i miss her, still love her? Yes, but i can love someone who doesnt love me. I wish things didnt turn out the way they have but, it is what it is.

I was just thinking that one day, i will meet someone to make new wonderful memories with. But that will be when i am healed completly. Im in no rush.

By the way, im 43 and didnt like being thrown back into the single bag but i know now everything will be just fine..

You will be just fine also. Something i enjoy, one, an empty house isnt all that bad today, and i like my coffee and a smoke on my deck in the mornings.. Ha ha

Its going to be ok. And you to will be ok..

 

Scott

[Nervous]

I went back to work today, it wasn't too bad but it made for a long day after a couple of weeks of very private time. It was my step daughters birthday today so I dropped off a gift for her. My wife was nice to me which is a good thing.

Later I thought about what it would be like if she came back and found myself a bit apprehensive about it. It's been a month today that this all started and I've spent 3 of those weeks flying solo. I suppose I've fallen into a routine and gotten a bit used to being alone. This doesn't mean that I'm over things at all. It is however a noted change in feeling. I'm still very lonely most of the time though.

Hayewills, your words are very comforting. Thanks.

Brokenheartlad, it's rotten feeling like this, the advice here is good. I've been using what helps me and I suppose it's working.

[Nervous]

Another week goes by and I'm looking after myself just fine. My wife seems to be unchanged in her plans and actions. I'm still feeling the loneliness though. Out of all the feelings I've experienced it's the worst.

I've resigned myself to the fact that she won't be back but this is not really helping me to move on.

My thoughts are drifting to how I'm going to meet someone new. I have no idea how I'm going to achieve this (if I'm at all ready for that yet). I look at women I see when I'm out and they all seem to be married etc. I'm not a relationship predator by any means, so how do I meet someone?

I want to be prepared for this when the time comes.

What methods have you all tried when the time to date has come around and what has worked?

Any advice on how to set out in the world again?

This will help me to focus on what's coming to me instead of waiting for nothing to happen.

 

Thanks guys.

[imtooconfused]

The (very) hard truth of the matter is that if you go around looking for someone to marry or even have a relationship with, you will never find someone. It's when you least expect it that you will meet someone.

 

As hard as this may be to appreciate, but this is the time to focus on yourself. Making yourself comfortable with being on your own. Learn to be more independent and happy being just yourself. When you become a better person, you will be surprised that just maybe the right person will find you.

[2.50 a gallon]

Nervous

 

Take this time to make a new and better you.

 

When My Ex and I separated, I was faced with what seemed to be an insurmountable hill to climb. We had just moved to the area, all of my family and friends were a thousand miles away. The few friends we had made were from her work place. Other than my fellows workmates, I had no one to talk to.

 

The first problem was finding away to get my mind off of her and the what if's. The idea was to find activities that would keep my brain busy. And to take those precious seconds of not thinking into minutes, hours and days.

 

The first action was to get back into my favorite hobby. I had cut way back on my time to keep the Ex happy.

 

I also saw it as an opportunity to try new activities, some or which hadn't been available in my home town.

 

I failed at raising orchids. However I did succeed in learning how to raise rare and hard to breed tropical fish. Water conditions had to be just so-so, to get fry, then the fry needed special attention, such as small live foods, all of which took time.

 

Improve yourself

 

I had always been a decent cook, and looking down the road in the dating game I figured I could better my chances by learning to cook some gourmet meals. Again, all of which took extra time to prepare, and then I was rewarded with a great meal. And yes it did immensely improve my relations with the opposite sex and it wasn't long before my sex life took off again.

 

Can you dance? Learn! Salsa looks hot and so do the dancers. Why not the samba, and next year at Carnival go down to Rio to dance with them hot ladies.

 

Have you ever wanted to learn to play an instrument, guitar, flute?

 

How about sky diving, and learning to ride a motorcycle?

 

Painting, fly fishing, even magic and card tricks.

[hayewils]

Hey Nervous,

You know ive thought about those very things.

Dont want to be alone, want to share life with that special someone, who i thought i had but turned out differently. You just cant help to think, oh my God, what am i going to do, im just at an age where i dont want to start all over..

Its a lot to accept when weve just been turned away by our best friend. Ive come to realize a few things and one, i dont need to worry about meeting anyone right now. I have more important things to take carenof on top of taking care of myself. I know that in time, we will all meet someone new. Its hard for me to even think about it really cause my wife was the only woman in my eyes. No other woman is slightly attractive to me right now. So that alone tells me i need quite a bit of time to get over this and heal. I wouldnt want to be on a dinner date with someone going through this. Have to sit there trying to enjoy my dinner with this beautiful person who is telling me how their spouse left her all the while shes pouring tears all over her meal..

We arent good for anyone right now, we need some time. I dont care anymore if it takes me 5 years to meet that special person anymore. I want to heal and be a better person for myself and for those around me.

Hell, the only living things that want to kiss all over me are my two dogs. They are my buddies. Ive got two boxers and they both sleep in the middle of the bed with me now. They dont complain about dirty dishes, if i want to have a beer and they dont complain when i forget to pick my dirty clothes up off the floor.

Everything is going to work itself out. I know its tough but its gonna work out.

[Nervous]

Imtooconfused, 2.50 and Hayewils.

You're all kind of saying the same thing and its what my heart is really telling me. It's too early for all that.

It's my head that's telling me that time is being wasted and that it's how I sort my loneliness out.

Every night I'm sitting in on beautiful evenings watching films or tv because I'm tired and have no motivation to do anything else.

I'm going to have to find something to do other than tv and be patient.

Hayewils, I had 2 dogs that she took with her, I miss them but wouldn't have another pet because of work commitments. It wouldn't be fair on an animal.

I hear you guys. I need to find myself here. I'm only 5 weeks in and reading this you'd think I was going mad.

Thanks to all of you.

[hayewils]

Nervous,

What your feeling, going through is perfectly normal.

The biggest part of it, it just plain, flat out SUCKS!

When i was at 5 weeks, i was a mental, emotional wreck.

Im now right a 4 months. Things do get better. Also, now that time has passed, i can look at things differently. 1) i know my wife was very unhappy. I dont want someone around who is unhappy. I love her enough to let her go to be happy, as painful as it is. 2) ive ome to realize my wife may have had strong feelings for me at one time, but she was never in love with me. 3)

After spending time talking to my kids, boy/ girl twins 18, and a 16 yr old boy, ive come to the conclusion that she was turning my kids and I against each other. I never had her acceptance, i never had her love and she never loved me. I wish it was t this way, but it is.

So, what do we do from here? Take care of ourselves, make the best of what we do have, our life, our kids, our time.

When ifirst got on LS, i got some pretty cruddy responses i felt for what i was dealing with. The worst thing ive ever dealt with was my wife cutting all communication. That was the most disturbing thing ive ever deal with coming from someone that i thought loved me.

As for my dogs, its hard to deal with as i am gone from home all day working. I have my son to help with them. What about fish. My first divorce i got a fish tank and loaded it up.. Had a frog, couple of small crabs.. I would sit there and watch them. It was relaxing for me. Kind of a weird existence but it helped. I wound up putting some lake perch in there and the perch ate everything. LOl.

Get a hamster, something to occupy your mind and fish and hampsters dont require much attention. Anyway. Keep posting. Just know that in time, you wi make it. In a couple short months. You will look back and realize how far you have come. Were here for ya!

Edited July 17, 2013 by hayewils
Bad discription.

[Steadfast]

What you're feeling is normal, including the questions about your future and future relationships. Most of us do not desire to be alone. For the majority, having a romantic relationship makes life sweeter and gives balance. Still, know that balance is key; you should work towards deepening all relationships. Including the one you have with yourself.

 

Yes. Too soon to act. Or worry, but worry doesn't solve anything. If anything, reserve a little bit of excitement towards your future and what it holds. It will be what you make it. Build yourself up, the rest will follow-

Edited July 17, 2013 by Steadfast

[worldgonewrong]

BTW, 45 is like being 20 man, you're in your ****ING PRIME!

 

Word, elfman! I'm in my early 40s, and I'm now in better shape than I was 20 years ago. That is a stone-cold fact.