My wife left suddenly.

[Bluesandy]

Sorry, but there probably is another man. She's just lying about it and keeping him under cover until the dust has settled and she's divorced.

I agree, same thing happened to me, it took one month of sneaking to find out there were a OM, her own boss who left his family as well... So secret that nobody in her work noticed anything... But the wife of the OM told me she found motel receipts in his pockets.... So be careful... but it wont change anything in your situation..

Try to forget her and find another girl.. That's what I have done for 4 months now.. And it works to make you stronger... couldn't imagine to stay by myself during this phase...

I konw, that's hard to learn, but most of the time, women always leve wit a B plan, telling you that everything you have done in the past was bad... it is a way to avoid the real problematic... the OM...

[2.50 a gallon]

Nervous

 

The idea is to keep yourself busy, so that your mind doesn't wander.

 

I agree you probably are not ready to get back into the dating scene. But as you posted you feel like you are wasting your time. So why not start changing things in your life. Try things you have had a hankering to do but never got around to it. Now is your chance.

 

All of my life I have been a model builder. It is the part of the little boy in me that I did not let die. Planes, trains and automobiles and ships, I built them all. Some were kits, but I had developed enough skills that I could do a lot of scratchbuilding. That all came to a halt when I married as the Ex would bitch even if I spent as little as 15 minutes with my models.

 

After she was gone, I redoubled my model building, catching up. I had had a large fish tank, and had always wanted to try raising some fish. That got me into tropical fish.

 

As for the large fish tank, in my bachelor days it had been a great mood setter. When dating someone new, the question generally comes up are we going down the road to becoming friends, or lovers. I had my large tank down low to the carpet with a couple of fancy pillows, filled it with peaceful fish, and whenever a new lady came over almost every time they would get down on the floor to watch the fish swim. A glass or two of wine, and guess which road we were traveling.

[2.50 a gallon]

Here is another thought.

 

For whatever reason, your wife fell out of love with the old you. So why not begin making changes and giving her something to think about.

 

My story is a little bit different than yours. We had only been married six months, and during that 6 months, we had moved across country to a great job offer for her. New environment, new friends, and especially the men she worked with all put pressures on our marriage. The men especially, until I caught her kissing a fellow worker. And kicked her out.

 

She moved in with the OM, and for the first month, found ways and reasons to come by our place and rub my nose in her new love.

 

At about the one month period, she figured out that I had not slept alone the previous night and did a total 180. Begging me to take her back.

 

As in a previous post I got busy making changes in my life. Gourmet cooking, tropical fish, and other things to keep me busy.

 

She spent the next 3 to 4 years trying to get me back.

 

Even though we lived a good hour apart, somehow she knew about my changes. She would call and try to get me to talk with her, then tell me she had always wanted to try and raise orchids. Or raising baby fish sounds like it would be fun. And how much she would like to try my new cooking skills.

 

It seemed the more I changed the more attractive I became to her

[Nervous]

2.50

Thanks. Your posts read like you're at peace, which encourages me. I have a few ideas for self improvement. I have a couple of hobbies that I hope to expand upon. It's loneliness that's the big deal just now but it's a stranger feeling than that. I feel like I need to have more people in my life and as soon as that thought surfaces I'm then thinking I don't want to have any company at the moment. It's very frustrating.

My biggest fear is I just get used to this and disappear.

And as for meeting new people, well, I'm not entirely sure what to do about that either.

Bottom line? I suppose I'm missing my wife and I can't seem to change that feeling no matter what I'm doing.

[Bluesandy]

2.50

 

Bottom line? I suppose I'm missing my wife and I can't seem to change that feeling no matter what I'm doing.

 

Yeah, that's we all feel when we are left over after so many months or years (23 for me)... . But you have to be strong.. If there any chance for you to regain her or to move on, it will be quickly if you find someone to share the minutes you feel so lonely and will change your mood...

One month after my breakup, I met a girl (on a dating site) I am still with 4 months after... My wife is no longer with the OM since 3 weeks, and I can tell she is more present around me, with always excuses. But I respect the NC thing and avoid any weakness to beg her to come back. No talk at all, even when she tries to say me hello with a large smile on her face.. She is very stubburn, and I want it will come from her, and not from me if there is any chance of reconciliation, and then, at my condition.. She knows I am with another girl, and I am sure she is pissed off... But time is the essence.. so I just follow my track now.. and will see what will happen, whatever will be the direction, at least I am the one who will control it...

Between you and me, I miss my wife... but the last thing I have to do is running after her..

Good luck

[Nervous]

I just got back from a couple of days away and my wife called me (as you know we're keeping it friendly). I had a great time and was telling her about it and she gets upset. I asked her what was wrong and it turns out her financial situation is really biting hard (this is her first month in her new place). She has an ex that pays child support but it turns out the payments have stopped because he is sick. She has no money, this is not my problem, I didn't make her move out to a new place, it was all her choice. I told her that and asked her if she wanted to come back. She said no. I asked her if it was because of the house (she always hated living here). She said it was partly that but also said she didn't want me back either.

I'm coming to terms with the fact she doesn't want me back. I have come to realise that if I appeared miserable to her, it was because I wasn't happy with her. She's off the pedestal I had her on and I can see the things I wasn't happy about on her part now. If she came back now, I'm not sure I could tolerate it being the same as it was.

I'm not gloating that she's struggling but because of the way she's done this, instead of working things out, I can't help but think she deserves this. I'm still having good days and bad days but I know now I will survive this. It's only been 6 weeks since she left and she's in a bad situation already and I kind of worry about her, it's crazy I know. Has anyone else had a WAS that wanted to come back because of financial reasons? I certainly wouldn't entertain her coming back on the basis of money that there is the definition of insanity.

I also realise that although I really miss her, it's not really her I miss. It's basically female companionship and the comfort that brings that I miss. I know I can find that elsewhere in time. So my friends, am I missing anything that you can think of? The advice so far has been welcome. Thanks.

[MrE_UK]

Hi,

 

My wife left suddenly and have been following this 180 as advised by the fantastic Beenkilled!! I let her go!! Suffice to say things have dramatically changed of late...I have a thread with loads of posts, but its helping me no end http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/410119-seperated-4-1-2-weeks-ago-awful - She's been contacting me every day!!!!

 

If she calls, just don't talk about your marriage or reconciling, and get on with your life for you. Makes you feel blooming good too!

 

Just listen! Say something like, "we'll am sure it will all come good soon," and follow what she wants to talk about without engaging too much. Let her do all the contacting and don't contact her, unless to do with kids if you have them.

 

Tell her things that are good and positive for you like, "have lost weight and have started a new hobby!" Stops you thinking about her.

 

Believe me, you'll feel more positive and start enjoying life again in no time. I am leaving the past where it is and moving forward in a positive way...

Edited July 25, 2013 by MrE_UK

[Chi townD]

Well, I think that you getting away and traveling is really a good thing and Very therapeutic! I hope you had fun!

 

So, after the last interaction you had with her, I think it's time to move on. What I strongly suggest is that you start making changes to the house. New colors on the wall, start buying new furniture or moving furniture around. Start getting new appliances. You need to make it an entirely new house. Something that makes it look completely different. I'm sure that there's a few things in the house that remind you of her, so you need to make it new. You need to make it your own now.

 

You need to make it yours. Now, I'm not sure if you have kids with her (sounds like the kid is from a previous relationship) if you want to stay in that kids' life, cool. But, you have to do things by her rules. Also, let that kid know that you are available to him/her whenever they need you. You could possibly give them a cell phone so they call you whenever they want.

 

Now, you have to limit your contact to your Ex. She's making it her choice not to have you in her life. That was her choice, not yours. But, she needs to know there are consequences for her actions.

 

You need to start living your life for you now.

[Nervous]

Well Bluesandy, that's exactly what I'm doing. I've bought a few new things for around the house, I'm very active every day, I've been doing the small garden that I have (even though I hate gardening). If I compare my activities with hers, I seem to be doing more and having a lot more fun into the bargain. She has no money to go out, if she does it's drinks with friends or her sister but mostly she seems to buy wine and stay in.

Now, when I think back to the start of this (you know, in moments of melancholy) I can actually see and feel the progress I've made. I'm amazed how I've coped (she is the love of my life after all). This heartens me. I know how to cope with the lonliness (can't completely shake it but music, DVDs and books help). I'm developing coping mechanisms.

I know I will be ok.

Mr. E, I asked her if she wanted to come back, I did this with some trepidation as I don't really know if I want all that back. I suppose I was just testing the water to see in what direction we were headed in. She's still on course, following her hopes and dreams (not my idea of paradise, but to each his own) The only difference now is that I'm not stuck in mourning (I don't know if she realises this)

She must have a fair idea though because when we talk it seems my time has been rewarding and fruitful, hers appears to be sedentary and dull, with only a few rewarding moments with her friends and relatives.

Maybe that's how she likes it (i've been with her 13 years though and would have thought she'd want more excitement than that).

Anyway I'll not be asking again that was a one off.

I'm off out again this afternoon although the weather is bad I don't care.

Here's to new memories, we all need them. Right?

[Nervous]

Yesterday my wife tells me that she'd been to see a lawyer some 2-3 days previously an forgot to tell me. How can you forget to tell someone about a life changing arrangement you've just made?

I personally think she was too scared to tell me, although I knew it was coming and I've been totally calm about the whole split. I've not even so much as raised my voice.

So this forgetting incident has gotten under my skin.

I feel she could have told me at the time so I knew what to expect. I could have even prepared some stuff for it.

She's not trying to break me and tells me not to worry, which is hard not to. Some of the anxiety I was feeling a few weeks ago has come back.

This means I'll have to go and find paperwork and jump through hoops until this is finalized and this is something I don't want to do with my time. It's stressing me and making me anxious.

I know it'll have to be done though and I will do it.

I'm seeing her tomorrow, we will spend some time together so it will be easier to ask questions and get a feel for her mood. I'm hoping this day together will be pleasant.

Ive been on holiday this past 2 weeks. In this second week I've been very lonely as my friends are back at work. So I'm actually looking forward to spending some time with her. I just hope she can be patient with herself and not start getting nippy, which is a trait of hers and there is really no need for her to be like that.

I'm thinking though.

When all this is done. Will she keep up with all the "keeping in touch" and "being friends" intentions that she was keen to lead with when all this began?

We shall see.

[Nervous]

Well I got the letter from her lawyer yesterday and although I was expecting it and I've also contacted my own lawyer, it has really set me back.

I've been restless last night and I awoke very early this morning shaking with anxiety.

I've calmed down a tad as I write this but I just can't get it out of my head. It's been 7 weeks today since she announced her intentions to split.

As I said, I knew it was coming and there's a lot in this letter. However I had discussed this with her on our day out last week (which was very nice). She told me not to worry and that she just wants what we had agreed upon. This is all she has wanted since we split.

However, even though I believe her, I can't help worrying myself about being broken by all of this (I had a bad experience with lawyers and divorce 15 years ago).

I suppose if she wanted to screw me she could as all financial affairs are transparent when it gets to this stage.

So whatever happens will happen.

I'm very concerned though.

[Steadfast]

Well I got the letter from her lawyer yesterday and although I was expecting it and I've also contacted my own lawyer, it has really set me back...

 

Understandable.

 

I have been divorced twice and it didn't do me favors financially. IMO this aspect of divorce is not discussed enough. It lacks the immediate drama of lost romance/relationship but sticks around just as long. Or longer.

 

Allow your representation to do their job. If you present yourself as a fair and balanced person most attorneys will adopt that stand. The courts follow protocol. It doesn't always seem fair. Adjust and adapt. Breathe.

 

I regained great amounts of self-esteem by letting go of bitterness and hostility towards my ex. At the same time, I put effort into not falsely representing myself. When it got $hitty I said it stunk but I didn't dwell.

 

One day, one issue at a time. Keep friends and family close. Get out, walk or jog, take in the fresh air and know this nastiness won't last forever.

 

Keep posting. Push through. I will keep an eye out for your posts to follow.

[Nervous]

I went to see my lawyer on Friday and to cut a long story short he knows the guys at her firm is aware of the agreement between my wife and I. So he drafted a letter to say that as she only wants her share of property equity, there is no need to show pension details and savings etc.

This will save a lot of time and money. He will also speak to mortgage people to raise the funds for her on my behalf. This is a relief to me as I've no clue at all when it comes to these things.

I told my wife about these plans and she said she will phone her lawyer to confirm she's in agreement with this.

My brief is over the moon at this "deal" we've struck and to be fair, it could be a hell of a lot worse.

It's really hurtful though as it's heading towards finality and it's not what I really want but I'm not stupid enough to allow myself to force what cannot be.

She loves me and misses me but cannot live with me, is how she puts it.

TBH Im ok with that just now. I'm really only hoping for a little less boredom in my life. Hopefully I'll achieve that in time.

[Nervous]

Well it's been 4 months now and nothing much has changed since my last post, until yesterday.

Wife had been avoiding contact with me a lot and I had mail that was hers so I decided to drop it off to her as I was getting annoyed with it piling up.

I saw her outside her flat when I drew up.

She said I couldn't come up to the flat today. I said is it because you've got a man up there?

She said yes.

I know that after all this time we've been separated, this should have been semi expected by me but it stopped me in my tracks.

While I was in the process of giving her the mail, the guy appears and walks over and she introduces us!

I just quickly finished what I had to say to her, got in the car and drove home.

I'm freshly devastated and hurt by it all over again. She could have just told me about him. That way I could have avoided the situation.

I know it's silly to feel like this but it's brought back the feelings of loss.

It's just another thing that I now have to overcome.

I felt I was doing ok. Back to feeling rotten.

[dumped2013]

Dude, that's horrible. That is one thing that would kill me if I saw the ex with another guy. I'm so sorry that happened.

[melissag]

I'm freshly devastated and hurt by it all over again. She could have just told me about him. That way I could have avoided the situation.

I know it's silly to feel like this but it's brought back the feelings of loss.

It's just another thing that I now have to overcome.

I felt I was doing ok. Back to feeling rotten.

 

Oh my gosh, I got a sick feeling in my stomach reading this. I am sorry that this happened; it must feel awful. Maybe I am immature and vindictive, but hopefully her being with someone else will make her see how much she is missing with you.

[dumped2013]

Just forward her mail next time. I don't even know where my ex moved nor do I want to know. I know the area but that is it.

[hayewils]

my ex had her mail forwarded to her new address although I still get a few things.. those few things get ripped to shreds and goes into the trash heap. where she put me 7 months ago..

[Nervous]

Thanks for your input guys.

I can't figure out why this seems to hurt more than her going in the first place. I had reasoned with myself earlier in the split that this would happen eventually.

So it's happened and without overthinking the situation it would seem that she's in the same position as me (lonely) and has been drawn out by a man showing her some interest.

I'm no expert but I would think that would be nice at first. Then you realise that new person is not the comfortable familiar partner you spent a third of your life with. You then think that it's not right and maybe too soon

get into another relationship. You (maybe) then realise that it's the familiarity that you seek and as it doesn't exist in the fresh relationship, the fresh relationship is doomed.

I know she still cares about me and was in tears after the unfortunate meeting. She also said things on the phone that made me think that maybe that encounter may have made her too upset that evening to enjoy themselves.

The guy may be wondering what he's landed in the middle of. It would make me think that if I was in that position.

All I know for sure about it, is that it's picked the scab off of my hurt.

I wish I wasn't feeling this sadness but I am.

Has anyone else experienced the wayward one getting into a relationship too soon?

What happened and how long did it take to fail?

 

Many thanks folks. It helps to put this out there.

[Nervous]

I sent my wife an email today as a last attempt to reconcile with her. In it I outlined all the personal issues I'd been working through since she'd left and how I felt and the conclusions I'd arrived at.

I expected a flat refusal back. That's been her style since the split happened.

That's not what I got.

She instead talked about what I was like before and how difficult that had made the relationship for her. I had to agree with everything she said. I'd been going over the same things for the whole time she's been away and have drawn the same conclusions. The only good decisions that came out of our relationship are the ones she's made.

She couldn't talk long because she was at work.

I suggested that we have to discuss this and she agreed.

Now I'm trying not to be too hopeful about this but it's hard to keep the nervous excitement at bay.

I really hope she wants to give it a shot. I'm prepared to give it my all as I now realise that she's truly the one for me. The old not realising what you've got til it's gone story.

Please hope & pray for me guys and feel free to offer any advice or experience that you have.

[2sunny]

I sent my wife an email today as a last attempt to reconcile with her. In it I outlined all the personal issues I'd been working through since she'd left and how I felt and the conclusions I'd arrived at.

I expected a flat refusal back. That's been her style since the split happened.

That's not what I got.

She instead talked about what I was like before and how difficult that had made the relationship for her. I had to agree with everything she said. I'd been going over the same things for the whole time she's been away and have drawn the same conclusions. The only good decisions that came out of our relationship are the ones she's made.

She couldn't talk long because she was at work.

I suggested that we have to discuss this and she agreed.

Now I'm trying not to be too hopeful about this but it's hard to keep the nervous excitement at bay.

I really hope she wants to give it a shot. I'm prepared to give it my all as I now realise that she's truly the one for me. The old not realising what you've got til it's gone story.

Please hope & pray for me guys and feel free to offer any advice or experience that you have.

 

In short - you were an attentive and caring husband.

 

She wanted more. She moved to screw around with a new guy. She had trouble gettin a new man to pay her way - so she struggled financially. She showed signs of being indifferent, callous and cold - add to that she's not honest. She didn't offer her truth - and when you stumbled upon the new guy it hurt you.

 

Now the D is closer and you are being needy. She needs something from you now and you're willing to be even needier.

 

She's used you! Is that love? NO! She's lied to you! Is that love? NO

 

 

Why would you want to change FOR HER? She planned her cheating! Now you present that YOU'VE changed? WHY?

 

YOU shouldn't even want her cheating a$$!!!

 

And IF/SINCE SHE hasn't changed - you are essentially begging for a cheater to re enter your life!

 

Get to the bottom of why this is enough for you! You should be grateful that she's gone!

 

You should be telling her to figure herself out and find her own way!

 

She is BROKEN! She's still the same unhappy, ungrateful gal that moved out a few months ago!

 

I'd call her and tell her you won't consider taking her back - because she's treated you so poorly and you know you deserve better than what she's offered!

 

Stop settling! She's using YOU! But YOU have ALLOWED it by handing her too much of YOUR power!