darhma Posted October 17, 2004 Share Posted October 17, 2004 I just got out of an on off relationship of 6 years. The last 2 years we have spent pretty much off due to the fact that I told him we would not be exclusive unless he married me. The biggest reason we ended was because I do not want to have children. I am 40 have a 20 year old daughter and my ex and I completely disagree on how a child is to be raised religiously. 5 months ago I finally said marry me or get out of my life. Well not only has he got out of my life he is dating a Ukraine girl he met on the Internet. He has already gone to meet her. She looks just like me. He even said she is a Russian Julie (me). He has been completely cold since this girl entered the picture. He is already talking to her about marriage. I lost my mind and even said I would have a child anything when I found out he met this women. He has said it is to late. I even did the no no and went to his house and spent the night with him...I know I was an idiot. He is so cold he doesn't even act like himself it is almost like he is possessed. He is such a very soft hearted person by nature. When I mention things about how we were he totally discounts it like we were nothing. Mind you this man so loved me and could not stand losing me. We had the most incredible chemistry and we liked so many of the same things. I can honestly say the sex is as good today as it was the first time we met it never waned in any way. We both like such a diverse range of activities...hiking, fine dining, bed and breakfast, camping, art galleries etc. I have never met a man that could keep up with me in either area like we do. We just blended so well except on the religion and kid thing. He has never had a relationship last longer than 1.5 years before me. I really appreciate what we have because I have been married and had several long term relationships and know how rare all this is. My question is do you think he will ever wake up and remember how we were and come back to me? If he doesn't love me anymore why is he going out with someone who looks just like me? Is he going to compare her to me and maybe come back to me? How could he even think about marraige with some chick he hardly knows? This whole thing has killed me!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
SoleMate Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 5 months ago I finally said marry me or get out of my life. Oh. Well, he listened to you and did what you wanted. If he were to post here, I am afraid I would not advise him to go back to you. It seems your desire for him now is driven by your jealousy of the Russian woman, not by any real change in the fundamental difference that caused you to give him an ultimatum. We just blended so well except on the religion and kid thing. Right. And back when you were thinking straight, before you became crazed by jealousy, this difference was enough to break you up. Do you understand your role in this breakup? You were in the driver's seat. And you drove it off the cliff. And he is crawling out of the wreckage, and he appears to be intact and healthy! Hurray! Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 I really appreciate what we have Don't you mean what you HAD? 5 months ago I finally said marry me or get out of my life And just as the poster above said, he made his choice, obviously the choice that was right for him and what he really wanted to do. You blew it and now you're feeling bad because he's moving on so easily and you're realizing what you had now that it's gone....goes back to that old saying "you never know what you have until it's gone" and in this case it appears to be the truth. I lost my mind and even said I would have a child anything when I found out he met this women. He has said it is to late. I even did the no no and went to his house and spent the night with him...I know I was an idiot. He is so cold he doesn't even act like himself it is almost like he is possessed. He is such a very soft hearted person by nature. When I mention things about how we were he totally discounts it like we were nothing. Mind you this man so loved me and could not stand losing me. You said what he wanted to hear, you said you'd change, blah blah blah, and it didn't work. He probably did love you with all his heart and probably wanted to have a family with you but since you didn't want children and he really did why would he marry you and give up his dream of a family? Why should he throw away something he desires so much? Apparently you had your chance and you chose to give him an ultimatum, it back fired and now you have to deal with the consequences. He gave you 6 years to as you did him, it didn't work out, he didn't get the children he wanted and you didn't get the marriage. Now you should respect his decision and move on and allow him to do the same, don't interfere in his new relationship, let him move on and have a family. You should find someone who wants the same things as yourself, since you don't want more children find someone who wants the same..... I don't mean to sound harsh, I'm sorry you're hurting but you really should have thought what would have happened if indeed he decided he didn't want to marry you. If you knew you didn't want to lose him and weren't prepared for the consequences then you shouldn't have said what you did. Again I'm sorry you're hurting but I doubt he'll come back to you, he found someone who'll maybe give him what he desires and you shouldn't attempt to take that away from him. Good luck and I hope your heart heals quickly. Link to post Share on other sites
UnicornGirl Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 I could respond to many things you've said but the thing that I think would be most helpful is that you need to realize that you probably REALLY offended him when you said you'd have kids with him, anything -- it took him leaving you for you to commit to having kids. That's a severe blow to him -- you don't want kids when you're together, but when he's leaving, you give in. Ouch!!! Do you really want kids, or not? You have to decide. It's normal for the ex to act like a different person. All I can suggest is that you ask yourself "Am I doing the loving thing?" before you speak to him, each and every time. If you truly love this person, isn't it the loving thing to let him go after this pursuit if it will make him happy? Link to post Share on other sites
Author darhma Posted October 18, 2004 Author Share Posted October 18, 2004 You have to understand that I told him from the beginning that I did not want children. 2 years ago when we finally discussed marriage issue he finally told me he would not marry me because I did not want children. I was so devastated that I SINCERELY agreed I would give him 1 child. Then he confirmed exactly what I was afraid of...he then said he did not want any alcohol in the house (mind you we both drink and I have a glass of wine every night), he did not ever want my gay friend around our child (he is my best friend), he wanted me to move way up to north where it is convenient for his job (I make as much money as him and it is not small change), that a women is to submit to her her husband(right!!!), that we needed to go to the church HE wanted....this was what I was to become if I was a mother. I am not this person. As his lover and wife I was fine but as his dream mother NO WAY!!! No I do not want children. Yes I did say that I did out of insanity. He confirmed all my fears when he said all of the above to me. He was never honest with me about me having to have a child and change into a different person if he was to marry me. I feel like he just used me all these years. I even said to him why didn't you tell me all this along time ago. He said because I loved you and I knew you would leave me if I told you the truth. How dishonest and misleading can you be. I so don't trust anyone anymore. Yes I know I finally gave him the ultimatum. You are right that I should of been prepared for the worst outcome. I guess I hoped he would change his mind. I always knew what I had with him and appreciated it hence I was with him 6 years but I KNEW his religious craziness would tear us apart if we were to have children. Yes in my heart I know it was a hopeless situation. I guess his coldness is what hurts so bad. He has always been such a warm person and now he looks at me as if I was a stranger. I never did anything to him...I was faithful, stuck by him during extreme financial hardship, helped him in every facet of his life. He has told me his is going to try and realize his dream until he is 40 however he does not expect me to wait around for him. My last spoken words to him were that after he realizes his dream or realizes he is not meant to secure his dream that if I was not married I would take him back. As I told him I just want to retire with him we would be perfect together. He mentioned that a friend of his had ended up marrying his high school sweet heart. Yes I know in my heart I need to get on with my life. Yes I know I will. I have no trouble attracting men. However no matter who I date no one compares to him. I have NEVER had a problem moving on from a relationship. This was THEE relationship. We just so blended in so many ways. I just wish I could have 1 night where I don't wake up with nightmares and one day when thoughts of him don't keep swimming through my mind. The only thing that brings me comfort is to dream that one day maybe we will get back together. Link to post Share on other sites
EC Posted October 18, 2004 Share Posted October 18, 2004 Then he confirmed exactly what I was afraid of...he then said he did not want any alcohol in the house (mind you we both drink and I have a glass of wine every night), he did not ever want my gay friend around our child (he is my best friend), he wanted me to move way up to north where it is convenient for his job (I make as much money as him and it is not small change), that a women is to submit to her her husband(right!!!), that we needed to go to the church HE wanted....this was what I was to become if I was a mother. I am not this person. As his lover and wife I was fine but as his dream mother NO WAY!!! That is the way that he feels and now you know...even though he told you at kinda the last minute...why do you still want to be with him knowing he feels like this and that you could never give him what he wants and needs? How dishonest and misleading can you be. I so don't trust anyone anymore. Why do you want someone like that? Also, like everyone always says...trust is THEE most important part of a relationship. If you are never going to trust him again then why even bother with him? Yes I know in my heart I need to get on with my life. Yes I know I will. I have no trouble attracting men. However no matter who I date no one compares to him. I have NEVER had a problem moving on from a relationship. This was THEE relationship. We just so blended in so many ways. I just wish I could have 1 night where I don't wake up with nightmares and one day when thoughts of him don't keep swimming through my mind. The only thing that brings me comfort is to dream that one day maybe we will get back together. You are attractive and you will have no problem getting attention or men...you'll be fine. I think you are so blind by the jealousy that you are forgetting what you believe in and what you stand for. He wasn't for you from the begining..and he's not for you now.. You don't want him and he can't be with you but you don't want him to be with anyone else. You cannot give him what he wants so why not let him go and let him find someone that can so that he can enjoy life and be happy? Besides even if you do get back together and you do give him that one child..how will things be then? Honestly? When you have to go to another church and put away the alcohol, move and not have you gay friend around? How will you feel then? And by then your married and so you have to deal with it or get a divorce and then what about the child? Like I said the jealousy is blinding you and your desperate to get him back and have him wanting you that your not thinking straight. I say let him go and move on. You know you can. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darhma Posted October 19, 2004 Author Share Posted October 19, 2004 I honestly dont think he really wants to have a family and settle down. I think he has been raised to think that is what you do. We are both like 2 kids. We are always doing something new and different and get bored quickly with things. I do believe that he believes that is what he wants. We are both in different places in our life and yes I know it is an impossible situation. As I said this is the first time in my life it has been this difficult for me to just pick and go. I do want him to be happy and you are right I just need to let it go. I just wish we had met in a different point in our lives. If we are meant to be together it will happen someday after he has come to terms with who he is not what he thinks he is suppose to be. Every prediction I have ever had about ex boyfriends and what was going to happen to them has ALWAYS been right. I do believe he HAS to get married and try to live his "dream" life. I honestly think he is going to be unhappy trying to be this traditional husband father. I just need to accept that is where he needs to go. It is so hard to find the connection that I had with him. I meet men all the time and I feel NOTHING. We have been broke up for almost 5 months and it still hurts. How long will this thing take to get over? Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 fire me over a pic of yourself. I am curious because you sure hype yourself up a lot. Link to post Share on other sites
Barby Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 you sure hype yourself up a lot. At least you realize you can give him what he needs and that you need to move on, now moving on doesn't mean having a new man. A strong woman shouldn't have a problem being alone and finding happiness alone then when the time is right a man will enter your life and compliment that happiness, don't base "moving on" on feeling something for a different man, that's just sad. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darhma Posted October 19, 2004 Author Share Posted October 19, 2004 You have to put this in perspective. I have not been in a "comitted" relationship and I have been dating for 2 years. If I needed a man I would of securred one a long time ago. I am totally against recreational sex or just dating someone for the hell of it. That said I have a boat load of friends that I am always out and about with. I may not need a man but I so like having one. I am letting him go because I do love him and I know I am incapable of giving him what he wants. I hope to find a life long relationship with someone and help them fulfill all their dreams not kill their dreams. I am going on with my life but there is not a day that goes by that I dont think about him. This has been harder than anything I have ever been through in my life including my divorce. I was talking to my girlfriend last night and talking about different things about our relationship. She just looked at me and said she had never experienced anything like that in her life and people look their whole life for that type of connection. I guess it is one of those...is it better to love and lost or to never of loved at all. Even in the midst of all this pain I feel blessed that I will always have the bitter sweet memories of our love to pluck from my mind and relive in my heart. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 well, I hope it all works out for you. Still waiting to peep a picture of you. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darhma Posted October 19, 2004 Author Share Posted October 19, 2004 I don't know how to send YOU a picture. I don't want to post my picture on this. I am embarrassed enough about what a fool I have been. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 I don't think you have been a fool. You have just been human. Everyone makes mistakes. You can fire me a PM and then I'll drop you my email addy and you can send the picture there. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darhma Posted October 19, 2004 Author Share Posted October 19, 2004 For some reason the system wont allow me to send you a private message. Send me a private message with your email. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 19, 2004 Share Posted October 19, 2004 Hmm, you registered recently so that is probably why your PM ability has not been activated. I'll wait a few days and then fire you off a PM. Link to post Share on other sites
Author darhma Posted October 20, 2004 Author Share Posted October 20, 2004 My ex called my best friend yesterday. He was almost in tears telling him that he did so love me but that he had to "try" and realize his dream even if he is making a mistake. This whole situation so reminds me of the book "The Alchemist". You HAVE to follow your dreams or you will have regrets. I don't want to impead him from doing what he thinks will make him happy. I have been very lucky in that I married my dream and it taught me that what you think you want and what makes you happy can be 2 different things. I also realize that he did and does love me but he could not marry me because he knew he would not be happy because he has not persued his dreams yet. Last night is the first night that I did not wake from nightmares. I think I am finally making peace with this situation. Our love was a pure love because we loved each other in spite of the fact that we were not each others ideals. That is why it has been so difficult for us to part ways. Sometimes love is just not enough. I honestly believe we are destined to be with each other. However, I am going to move on and if we are meant to be together we will cross paths again. Link to post Share on other sites
Weird Posted October 20, 2004 Share Posted October 20, 2004 yep, that is the best philosophy. If it is meant to happen it will happen. It took me a while to realize that afetr I broke with my ex and when I finally did things just were much better and I was more at peace with myself and the situation. Link to post Share on other sites
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