Best Friend, Girlfriend, and I: I'm conflicted

[ProfessorMayhem]

I've tried to find a similar post elsewhere on here, but none of them fit my situation. So, let me explain the circumstances, then you can judge me for the awful man I am so long as you can also provide advice on what the hell I should do.

 

My best friend and I have been hanging out for the better part of 11 years. We've both witnessed the rise and fall of each other's relationships, and we tell each other almost everything. I haven't had a relationship in two years; since my last break up, I've only had one-night stands because I haven't felt anything special for anyone else enough to go any further, with a few exceptions that I couldn't do anything about. My best friend has been in his latest relationship for almost 5 years. His girlfriend and I are also best friends, although admittedly if I had to choose one of them over the other I wouldn't hesitate to stop talking to her, since my loyalties lie with him. That hasn't stopped us from much, though; she practically knows everything that my best friend and I have talked about before, either because I also told her or because he's told her after we talked. So, in essence, the three of us know almost everything about each other and are nearly inseparable. I've taken her to dances and prom before as friends (back in high school) and we're very playful with each other in pillow fights and such (though I show no mercy). Now they come to visit me regularly at my college that is two hours away, sometimes together and sometimes individually.

 

With this in mind, it began about a month ago. I've been struggling with depression lately, and so we had a movie night. I accidentally fell asleep in his bed; it was large enough that all three of us could sleep comfortably in it, and so they decided to let me sleep. When I woke up, I found myself cuddling his girlfriend. It wasn't a big deal at all. In fact, she said she enjoyed it because my best friend doesn't like to cuddle much, and he was cool with it because it let him sleep without being disturbed by her wanting to cuddle. It was a win-win-win scenario, as it also helped me with my depression a little bit.

 

Since that night, we've been planning other sleepovers. We had four other ones until it became more complicated. She texted me the next night saying that she was lonely and wanted a cuddle buddy because my best friend was ignoring her. I told her that I couldn't come over that night (since it was already midnight and storming outside) but that we would have another sleepover soon.

 

Then came the confession. She started out by saying that she didn't want things to change between us, but she felt uncomfortable holding it in any longer. She said that she loves my best friend and wants to marry him, etc. She also loves me, but not in the same way, but not as just friends, either. She said that she feels wanted when I'm around, and that she wishes we could be in a "Jr. High" relationship, which by that she meant doing all the cute couple things without anything sexual. In the heat of the moment, I admitted that I felt the same for her, but that I would never betray my friend even with a kiss. She said she understood, and that was why she had kept it in for the past year or so. We decided to leave things be and not to take any action, since my loyalty usurped my feelings for her and her feelings for my best friend were the most desirable anyway.

 

Last night is where the moral dillemma comes in. They decided to throw a going-away party for me since I'm studying in England for a month-long program and I'm leaving next week. I wasn't going to drink, but my best friend egged me on since his girlfriend was already drinking and obviously having fun. So I did. He was sober the entire time, being the designated driver, but his girlfriend and I were quite hysterically drunk. Back at his house, she couldn't stop touching him and telling him how much she loves him. Multiple times she begged him for sex, despite how I was right there. Obviously I wasn't bothered by this, as I was playing video games and laughing at how drunk she was. Then we went to bed and he spurned her last advance and turned around to sleep. It was a bit of an awkward feeling since she was obviously a little hurt.

 

Then I awoke in the middle of the night because she was cuddling me very tightly. Not in an inappropriate way, though. I stroked her hair a little bit to calm her down, and it was obvious that both of us were still a little drunk. Then somehow our faces ended up right next to one another, and before I know it, we're touching lips. Not in a make-out sort of way, but enough to feel each other's lips. She whispered "Let's stop" and I said "Okay" and we left it at that before we went further, which I am very, very grateful for.

 

Today she texted me saying that she felt really bad about that, and honestly I didn't remember it until she sent that text. Now I'm panicking because the full realization of what I did half-asleep and intoxicated has set in, and I feel incredibly guilty. Neither of us know if we should tell him or just pretend it never happened. He’s been completely fine all morning, which would suggest that he either doesn't know or doesn't care, despite how he was laying right next to us.

 

Optimistically, I'm kinda hoping that one of you will come up with a way to continue cuddling with no repercussions. Of course, this is unrealistic and I already plan to avoid any more sleepovers in the future, despite how much I want to be with her. I don't want to take the risk unless my best friend is okay with the situation, though I have no idea how to ask if he's okay with it without causing harm.

 

I'm expecting a lot of people on here to throw insults and dismiss me as a complete a-hole, which I fully admit that I am. I feel bad and I deserve it. I am not posting on here to figure out how to steal her, as I have no interest in doing such a wretched thing to my best friend. Besides, it's clear that I'm not worthy of having any sort of meaningful relationship. The reason I am posting on here is because I made a mistake during a moment of weakness, and I want to find a way to resolve it so that I can minimize the damage I have wrought.

 

This brings me to the question(s) I ask you today. What should we do? Should we say something, or keep quiet? Should we only tell him about the feelings, or the kissing, or both? Who should tell him, if we decide to do so? Are there any alternatives to make everyone happy?

 

td;lr - This situation is too complex to summarize without sacrificing important details. I would rather that those who post comments read the entire thing before giving me advice, as I need very specific answers. Thank you.

[ProfessorMayhem]

I didn't mean to sound like I want to win anything, because at this point I know that all I can do is minimize the damage I've done. And as I said, I wish there was a way to go back to doing what we were before, but I understand that is unrealistic. There is also no way I'm going to continue going behind his back about anything; no more sleepovers unless he is fully aware of the circumstances, and even then probably not since I already feel too much like crap.

 

I definitely want to make things right, so what would be the procedure? Basically, when we tell him, what should we say? Honestly, I hardly recall what happened myself, as I'm relying on her word to understand what happened when I was drunk. Of course, there's no reason to think she's lying about it to me, either. Subsequently, should she be the one to say something first, since she's the one who remembers it, or should I say something first since it might be better to hear it from me?

[tbf]

"Your g/f and I almost kissed the other night while totally hammered and half asleep. So, no more sleepovers and cuddling. Things are getting too close for comfort where you're my best friend and have my first loyalty. Your g/f also agrees with this. She loves you where you're her first loyalty."

[ProfessorMayhem]

I've tried to find a similar post elsewhere on here, but none of them fit my situation. So, let me explain the circumstances, then you can judge me for the awful man I am so long as you can also provide advice on what the hell I should do.

 

My best friend and I have been hanging out for the better part of 11 years. We've both witnessed the rise and fall of each other's relationships, and we tell each other almost everything. I haven't had a relationship in two years; since my last break up, I've only had one-night stands because I haven't felt anything special for anyone else enough to go any further, with a few exceptions that I couldn't do anything about. My best friend has been in his latest relationship for almost 5 years. His girlfriend and I are also best friends, although admittedly if I had to choose one of them over the other I wouldn't hesitate to stop talking to her, since my loyalties lie with him. That hasn't stopped us from much, though; she practically knows everything that my best friend and I have talked about before, either because I also told her or because he's told her after we talked. So, in essence, the three of us know almost everything about each other and are nearly inseparable. I've taken her to dances and prom before as friends (back in high school) and we're very playful with each other in random pillow fights and such. Now they come to visit me regularly at my college that is two hours away, sometimes together and sometimes individually.

 

With this in mind, it began about a month ago. I've been struggling with depression lately, and so we had a movie night. I accidentally fell asleep in his bed; it was large enough that all three of us could sleep comfortably in it, and so they decided to let me sleep. When I woke up, I found myself cuddling his girlfriend. It wasn't a big deal at all. In fact, she said she enjoyed it because my best friend doesn't like to cuddle much, and he was cool with it because it let him sleep without being disturbed by her wanting to cuddle. It was a win-win-win scenario, as it also helped me with my depression a little bit.

 

Since that night, we've been planning other sleepovers. We had four other ones until it became more complicated. She texted me the next night saying that she was lonely and wanted a cuddle buddy because my best friend was ignoring her. I told her that I couldn't come over that night (since it was already midnight and storming outside) but that we would have another sleepover soon.

 

Then came the confession. She started out by saying that she didn't want things to change between us, but she felt uncomfortable holding it in any longer. She said that she loves my best friend and wants to marry him, etc. She also loves me, but not in the same way, but not as just friends, either. She said that she feels wanted when I'm around, and that she wishes we could be in a "Jr. High" relationship, which by that she meant doing all the cute couple things without anything sexual. In the heat of the moment, I admitted that I felt the same for her, but that I would never betray my friend even with a kiss. She said she understood, and that was why she had kept it in for the past year or so. We decided to leave things be and not to take any action, since my loyalty usurped my feelings for her and her feelings for my best friend were the most desirable anyway.

 

Last night is where the moral dilemma comes in. They decided to throw a going-away party for me since I'm studying in England for a month-long program and I'm leaving next week. I wasn't going to drink, but my best friend egged me on since his girlfriend was already drinking and obviously having fun. So I did. He was sober the entire time, being the designated driver, but his girlfriend and I were quite hysterically drunk. Back at his house, she couldn't stop touching him and telling him how much she loves him. Then we went to bed and he spurned her last advance and turned around to sleep. She was clearly a little hurt.

 

Then I awoke in the middle of the night because she was cuddling me very tightly. Not in an inappropriate way, though. I stroked her hair a little bit to calm her down, and it was obvious that both of us were still a little drunk. Then somehow our faces ended up right next to one another, and before I know it, we're touching lips. Not in a make-out sort of way, but enough to feel each other's lips. She whispered "Let's stop" and I said "Okay" and we left it at that before we went further, which I am very, very grateful for.

 

Today she texted me saying that she felt really bad about that, and honestly I didn't remember it until she sent that text. Now I'm panicking because the full realization of what I did half-asleep and intoxicated has set in, and I feel incredibly guilty. Neither of us know what to do. He’s been completely fine all morning, which would suggest that he either doesn't know or doesn't care, despite how he was laying right next to us.

 

Optimistically, I'm kinda hoping that one of you will come up with a way to continue cuddling with no repercussions. Of course, this is unrealistic and I already plan to avoid any more sleepovers in the future, despite how much I want to be with her. I don't want to take the risk unless my best friend is okay with the situation, though I have no idea how to ask if he's okay with it without causing harm.

 

I'm expecting a lot of people on here to throw insults and dismiss me as a complete a-hole, which I fully admit that I am. I feel bad and I deserve it. I am not posting on here to figure out how to steal her, as I have no interest in doing such a wretched thing to my best friend. Besides, it's clear that I'm not worthy of having any sort of meaningful relationship. The reason I am posting on here is because I made a mistake during a moment of weakness, and I want to find a way to resolve it so that I can minimize the damage I have wrought.

 

What should we do? Should we say something, or keep quiet? Should we only tell him about the feelings, or the kissing, or both? Who should tell him, if we decide to do so? Are there any alternatives to make everyone happy?

[ProfessorMayhem]

Thank you! That sounds very reasonable and is in line with the approach I wanted to take with it. I really appreciate having the specific words to say, as I was at a loss before. Also, the use of "almost" reflects what I remember better, albeit in fragments, so I would be telling the truth from my perspective.

[NJtoDC]

Optimistically, I'm kinda hoping that one of you will come up with a way to continue cuddling with no repercussions.

 

Even if 'nothing happens' physically this desire to cuddle is problematic emotionally for you and her both. I think you all have very loose boundaries and it will lead to trouble since you and his GF are already attracted to each other.

 

I question your friends judgement to think it's cool to share his bed with you and be ok with you cuddling his girlfriend.

[wanting more]

You want advice on how to keep cuddling with your best friends girlfriend while you all have "sleepovers" in the same bed

 

 

I have no advice cause this is weird!!! How old are you?

[whichwayisup]

Optimistically, I'm kinda hoping that one of you will come up with a way to continue cuddling with no repercussions. Of course, this is unrealistic and I already plan to avoid any more sleepovers in the future, despite how much I want to be with her. I don't want to take the risk unless my best friend is okay with the situation, though I have no idea how to ask if he's okay with it without causing harm.

 

Nope, not going to happen. Your cuddling sessions have to end immediately before something does happen. That's good you plan on avoiding sleepovers. No good can ever come of this, even more so since the kiss but also since you both admitted to one another there are some feelings between you.

 

In this situation, since you're leaving soon, don't say a word about the kiss.

 

Time and distance will make you detach from her, and her from you.

 

Later in the future, when you're back, focus MORE on your friendship with your male friend, rather than his girlfriend.

[JustAReformedGirl]

No insults here. You both stopped yourselves from going any further, despite your intoxication.

 

It sounds like their relationship has gotten a bit stale. Is she discontent, at all? Is she feeling neglected? If they're having issues, she needs to talk things over with him on the matter.

 

I'm not sure if either of you needs to tell him what occurred. I'm not really sure anything occurred at all, despite emotions.

 

I am given to wonder if he did notice, as you think he might, and didn't think anything of it?

 

You and your best friend talk about everything, right? I'm sure if he was aware and has an issue, he will tell you.

 

Your guilt is the mark of a good friend, as is your decision to keep it from going anywhere. So many conflicting emotions, though. Developing feelings for her, as she has for you, along with your loyalty to him...it can't be easy. Since you're going away for a month, take time (when you have it) to mull everything over. You being gone for a bit will help both you and her sort out these feelings. I do suggest encouraging her to talk to her boyfriend, if they need to work on their relationship. That way, if they're happy, these things shouldn't occur again, and you guys can go back to being comfortable friends. Idealistically, at any rate.