Communication

[WhiteChocolate]

I am 21 years old. I see my parents about 2-3 times a year. That said, I'm lucky that they still support my living expenses, if not my educational ones.

 

When I first went to college, my mom called about once a week. Recently though, ever since the start of this summer (about 2 months ago), she has gotten into the habit of calling every day. I've been patient but began to feel crowded, and yesterday when she commented that I seemed impatient, I reminded her gently that we only talked once a week for several years, and that I would like for that to be the norm again.

 

As she usually does when she's angry, she sent me a scalding e-mail about how I don't care about her, how I'm selfish, how I'll fail in life because of it, etc. I'm used to it since every time I upset her she does this. But it still hurts

 

Our conversations last approx. 20 minutes. How do I apologize to her without having her think that it's okay to keep calling every day?

[tbf]

You don't apologize. Learn to assert your boundaries in a consistent manner.

 

But with boundaries, there are consequences which might include defunding.

[WhiteChocolate]

You don't apologize. Learn to assert your boundaries in a consistent manner.

 

But with boundaries, there are consequences which might include defunding.

 

1 more year until I graduate with my bachelors and can fully support myself = time for defunding.

 

And yeah, slack off on your boundaries for a month and look what happens Granted, there was a death in the family so I wanted to provide some support although I live a few hundred miles away. I just feel caught between being a good, supportive daughter and being a free-willed individual.

 

Looking for advice on how other people handle leaving the nest with clingy parents without feeling guilty.

 

Edit: You sure about not apologizing? Tbh, she'll get over it even if I don't. Apologizing is more to...ease my mind and earn back my parental brownie points. But then I run the risk of her calling daily again....

Edited June 29, 2013 by WhiteChocolate

[Arabella]

Well, she IS your mother... if she suddenly changed her habits after being consistent for years, it could be for good reason. Don't you wonder what happened for her to suddenly feel the need to speak with you every day?

 

Perhaps she's not doing well, and she's reaching out to you to make her feel better. You should try to find out. You already know about the death in the family, but there could also be other issues. Ask her questions about how she's doing, etc. You might get an inkling as to what's going on.

 

If I were you, I'd strike a compromise with her. Explain that you need time to live your life, so you can't spend that much time talking to her. Offer to have two conversations, instead of one, for example.

 

Anyway, I think there's more to this than her suddenly deciding to overstep your healthy boundaries.

[mrs rubble]

I agree with arabella, could something be wrong for her to change her habits like that?

 

I think it's sad you're questioning too much contact from your mother in any case. You only get one mother! Some day you may find yourself wishing she was there to talk too and she's not.

 

I talk to my mother every day and I'm 41! I can't imagine trying to stop that, she's supported me through thick and thin and I do the same for her.......I guess not everyone can have a great relationship with their parents.