Need to get over "other man" and do the "right thing"

[thaiboxgirl]

I've posted here before about my situation, but things are starting to take a turn.

 

I have had an affair for 2 months with a single man. I'm married, have been for 15 years.

 

I lied to the other man, telling him that I was separating and divorcing. Well, when I met him my husband was out of the house but he came back two weeks later. I was sure it was over. I wanted it to be because I was an idiot, and infatuated mess for this other guy.

 

I told my husband the truth about everything, except for I have seen the other guy a few times since. I don't like living this way, I feel sick and unable to sit still. I'm feeling depressed and nothing seems to give me joy anymore.

 

The other man told me that he felt like this was an affair as opposed to it being him seeing me while I'm going through divorce. I told him that I know, I'm not being fair to him and I have found it impossible to move out...to seek divorce. It's too painful and I haven't wanted to put that work in to get free.

 

We agreed not to spend time together any longer. He said we can still talk, but we need to be "good." Friends until I'm single. I'm addicted to this guy. It's just an infatuation, I know. I have gotten to know him so well, but I know that the fantasy of him is probably much more than how I really feel.

 

I want to feel this way for my husband, but there have been so many problems. I'm trying so hard not to check messages on my yahoo account, that is how the other man and I communicate. I don't like having to feel like I need to be perfect to impress this guy. I don't want to break up my family. He already went through a divorce a couple of years ago, so his advice was nice to hear.

 

I need to get over him. Please, please, please, lovingly tell me how to do this. I'm going through withdrawals! It's like he's a drug. I don't know if he will chase me or if he really wants to be friends...but I need to forget him. How long does it take?

 

I want to do the right thing...and I know that no contact is the only way. So how do I heal? How long will the pain linger?

 

Thank you all

[InsaneTrombone]

You've been married for FIFTEEN ****ing years, and you wan't to throw it away over a 2 month bull**** fling with someone?

 

Come on! Go no contact and go back to the man you married 15 years ago. You disappoint me!

[JustAReformedGirl]

Something tells me you're in for a rough one with your thread...

 

Anyway, what you decide to do is of course up to you, but here are some suggestions.

 

-First, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself, your marriage, and the affair. What changes do you want to make about yourself? What changes would you like to occur in your marriage?

 

-Do you really want to stay with your husband for love of him, or are you afraid of change?

 

-Does your husband know anything about the affair? If you plan not to tell him, know that he could find out on his own, which usually goes a lot worse, than if he hears it from you.

 

-If he does know, this might be a good time to sit down and discuss what you both want. Do you want the marriage to work, or do you want to go your separate ways?

 

I think you need time to really mull these things over; if you choose to divorce, make sure it's not because of OM, but because your current relationship has run its course. If you choose not to divorce, then now is the time to put all your energy into making the marriage work.

[aliveagain]

How can you be reconciling with your husband if your still in your affair? You can't fix a marriage if only one of you is trying and committed to it. The longer you drag this fantasy on the less chance your husband and you will work. Tell your husband the complete truth, he deserves to know who he is really married to, he needs to make his own decision about the marriage. Stop all contact with the OM, send him a No Contact Letter with your husbands approval, be very clear that you are choosing your husband and your marriage. Become absolutely transparent, give your husband access to all your email, phone passwords. Get professional help, for yourself first, than for the both of you together. Don't waste your money on therapy if your still cheating on your marriage. Make him feel safe or you will forever lose him. Get both of you tested for STD's, no sex with your husband until you do.

Edited June 30, 2013 by aliveagain
spelling

[Space Ritual]

Sorry Original Poster but in order to give reconciliation a shot the other man must be out of your life completely. It is not fair to anyone to string them along over your actions. I am having a hard time wrapping my head around a 2 month affair after 15 years of marriage. Marriages, like everything else is not unicorns and rainbows but did you at least give your husband a chance at marriage counseling? You are still lying to him by omitting info about contact with your affair partner. Lies of Omission can be just as terrible as Lies of Commission.. You are not going to have a shot in hell unless you are honest with yourself and everyone else involved.

[2sunny]

Something tells me you're in for a rough one with your thread...

 

Anyway, what you decide to do is of course up to you, but here are some suggestions.

 

-First, you need to take a long, hard look at yourself, your marriage, and the affair. What changes do you want to make about yourself? What changes would you like to occur in your marriage?

 

-Do you really want to stay with your husband for love of him, or are you afraid of change?

 

-Does your husband know anything about the affair? If you plan not to tell him, know that he could find out on his own, which usually goes a lot worse, than if he hears it from you.

 

-If he does know, this might be a good time to sit down and discuss what you both want. Do you want the marriage to work, or do you want to go your separate ways?

 

I think you need time to really mull these things over; if you choose to divorce, make sure it's not because of OM, but because your current relationship has run its course. If you choose not to divorce, then now is the time to put all your energy into making the marriage work.

 

She said her H knows. He just doesn't know she continues to communicate with her OM.

 

This should be in the infidelity or OM/OW forum...

 

OP - get completely honest with your H.

 

And make a decision what you plan to o.

 

If you don't love your H enough - divorce him - he deserves to be honored nd loved while married.

[AverageCat]

I feel sad that there are guys so desperate that they would offer you their love or even dick.

[thaiboxgirl]

Thank you all for your advice. I just wanted to add some info that I didn't include but a couple of you commented about...

 

I entered counseling with a marriage therapist/psychologist 5 years ago. I got my husband to go 3 times. In therapy I spent a lot of time talking about my stresses in the marriage, how to be a better wife and whether I should even stay married. Out of three therapists, all said that I should divorce my husband.

 

I chose not to separate from him (or divorce) because every time I would threaten it he would talk me out of it, make the situation look impossible (financial, children, etc.). I have loved this man with all my heart for 15 years. I have helped him through his issues, yet he held back affection for years. In 10 years we kissed about 20 times. Even though he wouldn't kiss me, I still gave him sex whenever he wanted. He also is what I call an "escapist". He was always running off to go out with his buddies, do activities alone, and spending very little to no time with the kids. I was playing both roles. The first disappointment was when he ran off to go skiing on the day I gave birth to our first child.

 

I have been unhappy for years. Now, since I told him the truth about everything (except that I have had contact recently), he has sworn to change his life (quit smoking, get in shape, spend time with the family, treat me like his wife that he loves.). After 15 years he has decided that he can right all the wrongs. I like the changes that I have seen, but now I think he is maybe sliding back into his old ways due to depression, frustration with work, etc. When this happens I am the one that gets the brunt of it.

 

So when I met a new guy I fell into the fantasy. I know the realities. I know that these relationships (affairs) never amount to anything good. Right now the guy says that if I divorce then we should date. I feel like I want to keep him as a friend, but I know that is wrong. I am trying to get over this guy to give it another go with my husband, but I am very vulnerable.

 

Lots of info I know, but that is the entire story. The bottom line, I don't want to hurt my husband anymore than I have. I don't know how to leave because I can't move out (no money), he threatens things if I say I want to divorce...for example:

 

*He'll just end up living in a tent while he pays me child support (trying to tug at my heartstrings).

 

*He'll demand that I move back home (three states away) because he needs help with the kids (family), and so do I. (so basically there will be a legal issue that I need to get into).

 

*He may just disappear and never see the kids.

 

*He acts like a 12 year old shouting in front of the kids about everything...specifically so the kids will hear.

 

So this is where I am. I feel stuck. The OM is only a distraction and a short-lived fantasy to make myself feel better about my life/myself...but that backfired of course.

[aliveagain]

The key word "fantasy", finish one relationship before you start another. If your goal is reconciliation than commit to it or your dooming it to failure before you start. You are not only cheating on your husband, your cheating on your children. Decide to be all in or get all out. The time and emotion you give the other man is time and emotion your taking away from making your marriage work. The reason to cheat had nothing to do with the state of your marriage, that was your choice. Your husband is under the same pressure and stress, is he banging some single hot babe behind your back. How would you feel about that?

[Space Ritual]

Thank you all for your advice. I just wanted to add some info that I didn't include but a couple of you commented about...

 

I entered counseling with a marriage therapist/psychologist 5 years ago. I got my husband to go 3 times. In therapy I spent a lot of time talking about my stresses in the marriage, how to be a better wife and whether I should even stay married. Out of three therapists, all said that I should divorce my husband.

 

I chose not to separate from him (or divorce) because every time I would threaten it he would talk me out of it, make the situation look impossible (financial, children, etc.). I have loved this man with all my heart for 15 years. I have helped him through his issues, yet he held back affection for years. In 10 years we kissed about 20 times. Even though he wouldn't kiss me, I still gave him sex whenever he wanted. He also is what I call an "escapist". He was always running off to go out with his buddies, do activities alone, and spending very little to no time with the kids. I was playing both roles. The first disappointment was when he ran off to go skiing on the day I gave birth to our first child.

 

I have been unhappy for years. Now, since I told him the truth about everything (except that I have had contact recently), he has sworn to change his life (quit smoking, get in shape, spend time with the family, treat me like his wife that he loves.). After 15 years he has decided that he can right all the wrongs. I like the changes that I have seen, but now I think he is maybe sliding back into his old ways due to depression, frustration with work, etc. When this happens I am the one that gets the brunt of it.

 

So when I met a new guy I fell into the fantasy. I know the realities. I know that these relationships (affairs) never amount to anything good. Right now the guy says that if I divorce then we should date. I feel like I want to keep him as a friend, but I know that is wrong. I am trying to get over this guy to give it another go with my husband, but I am very vulnerable.

 

Lots of info I know, but that is the entire story. The bottom line, I don't want to hurt my husband anymore than I have. I don't know how to leave because I can't move out (no money), he threatens things if I say I want to divorce...for example:

 

*He'll just end up living in a tent while he pays me child support (trying to tug at my heartstrings).

 

*He'll demand that I move back home (three states away) because he needs help with the kids (family), and so do I. (so basically there will be a legal issue that I need to get into).

 

*He may just disappear and never see the kids.

 

*He acts like a 12 year old shouting in front of the kids about everything...specifically so the kids will hear.

 

So this is where I am. I feel stuck. The OM is only a distraction and a short-lived fantasy to make myself feel better about my life/myself...but that backfired of course.

 

 

Quick Question: Do you feel you cheated as a means for an exit affair? By that I mean instead of divorcing him maybe you hoped you would get caught and your husband would divorce you thereby making him the bad guy in your mind? The tone of your post and the litany of bad things you have listed about your husband would suggest to the layman that you may have considered it as such.

 

The only person's actions you can control are your own.......choosing to cheat is a choice but also choosing to do nothing is also a choice. I think based on what you wrote if you were told by 3 therapists to file for divorce and you ignored it and cheated is all on you, regardless of what your husband may or may have not done.

You and your husband are 50/50 responsible for problems in the marriage....the cheating you own 100 percent.

[JustAReformedGirl]

Quick Question: Do you feel you cheated as a means for an exit affair? By that I mean instead of divorcing him maybe you hoped you would get caught and your husband would divorce you thereby making him the bad guy in your mind? The tone of your post and the litany of bad things you have listed about your husband would suggest to the layman that you may have considered it as such.

 

The only person's actions you can control are your own.......choosing to cheat is a choice but also choosing to do nothing is also a choice. I think based on what you wrote if you were told by 3 therapists to file for divorce and you ignored it and cheated is all on you, regardless of what your husband may or may have not done.

You and your husband are 50/50 responsible for problems in the marriage....the cheating you own 100 percent.

 

^ This I agree with. And funny; the part I bolded, I mean. One of my favourites quotes is similar (which you'll find in my signature).

 

OP, the right thing to do is seldom easy. Don't stay with your husband if your heart isn't in it, and won't ever be in it. You need to make a choice, and commit to it.

[freetolove]

cut off all communication with the other man if you want to salvage your relationship.

[Phantom888]

Your marriage was over before the affair. Do everyone a favor and proceed with the divorce. You are suffering. The kids are suffering. Why drag on the inevitable? You will likely cheat again, as you are so lonely. You will die prematurely due to all the stress in an unhappy marriage. Why would you do this to your kids? Are the finances and stable facade so important you are willing to risk everyone's future?