Women, If you have had an affair, and now are trying to fix your marriage what did...

[CanadaGuy]

Women, If you have had an affair, and now are trying to fix your marriage what did you do to to show your husband that you have stopped, you love him etc etc...

 

My "ex-fiance" had an affair, and I still can't get over it, every-time I watch TV I see something, every time I see a Jag, it reminds me, every time I hear Bon Jovi, it reminds me of "what happened" I look at her as a back stabber, and a liar. So I don't know what she can do, or what to expect, so what you have actually done would be appreciated.

 

P.S. The reason I'm asking the women, because, as a guy, I know what I would anything do to save my relationship (prior to her screwing her boss) Now I just feel empty, and

[Barby]

Ouch sounds like the ultimate betrayal! I'm soo sorry you're going through this. I myself am not cheating nor have I had an affair but since I read your post I figure being a woman I'll give you my POV anyway.

 

I think if she valued your relationship/love that much that no way in the world would she have cheated especially with someone that she'd have to see everyday.

 

I know probably most won't agree with me but I think if you love/respect someone you DON'T cheat. End of story!!!

 

 

If your GF is trying to salvage the relationship she must be sorry, honestly sorry for breaking your trust and looking outside the relationship for whatever she was seeking. She should be willing to possibly change jobs (or have NC) with her former lover, do what she can to show you it'll never happen again. I guess there is no certain "thing" that can be done, it would have to come from her heart and since you know her you'd be able to tell.

 

 

If you're willing to forgive her and move forward in your relationship then you can't keep letting it affect you. You've got to be able to leave it in the past and try and trust again. If you can't do this then maybe you should go on your own....

 

 

Either way I wish you the complete best of luck!

[jmargel]

Your ex-fiancee. Is she trying to get back with you? Or do you need advice on how to deal with this in future relationships?

[CanadaGuy]

Originally posted by jmargel

Your ex-fiancee. Is she trying to get back with you? Or do you need advice on how to deal with this in future relationships?

 

 

Thank's again for your reply (and the previous persons comments, thank you very much much)

 

She say's she is trying to get back with me, and possibly that is true. I've lost my passion for this women, the feeling of need,want, compassion, before this all happened, I could not wait to see her (even after 12 years) and to spend time with her. Now, I think of her as a back stabbing lying tramp slut, to put it bluntly.

 

Here reason? She could not talk to me about her mothers affair, so screwing this guy makes a whole bunch of sense to me (maybe its a woman thing)

 

Here is the whole story :http://www.loveshack.org/forums/showthread.php?postid=304365#post304365

 

And now she no linger works in the same branch as he does, and supposedly his boss, & bosses boss know as well. I wanted conformation, but she will not do that as "they (the boss'es )don't want me to be involved" I didn't buy that, so I personally emailed both bosses & head of human resources to elaborate on the fact it happened on company property (on his desk!!) they both have replied to me, but can't denied or confirm, due to confidentiality reasons. And my ex-fiance won't help in this regard because "she does not want to hang him out to dry"

 

We are currently seeing a married therapist, and when he said to her "can you promise to never have any contact with him" she shrugged her shoulders shock her head in a "no" direction, and said yes. A few weeks ago, I told her not to wish her boss happy birthday, in any form, in her daytimer she wrote, I love (my name), and promise not to contact Jeff, and signed it. Then when I checked her daytimer after that date, she had crossed out the signed promise, and had a web-page address of where she sent him a birthday card. I found this to be the most insulting, lack of respect thing she has done since being the tramp that she has become. A birthday card is NOT a business contact.

 

So this is where I am now.

 

Very hurt, very disappointed, very confused (I've said, if you want him, leave, I will not be sloppy seconds, or second choice)

 

Thanks again for you input, and look forward to some of you thoughts.

[Pocky]

I've lost my passion for this women, the feeling of need,want, compassion, before this all happened, I could not wait to see her (even after 12 years) and to spend time with her. Now, I think of her as a back stabbing lying tramp slut, to put it bluntly.

 

Not sure why you're trying therapy. You don't want to see her any other way. I'm not saying that's wrong, but you've already made up your mind and you don't really want to see her as anything but the "back-stabbing, lying, tramp, slut". You've already left this relationship..

[Barby]

Here reason? She could not talk to me about her mothers affair, so screwing this guy makes a whole bunch of sense to me (maybe its a woman thing)

 

 

Trust me it's not a "woman's" thing, I think what saddest is that she broke her promise to you about not contacting him!! Hello?!! If she can't even keep this promise why do you believe that she'll not ever sleep with him again?

 

 

I would say for you to move on, I'm sorry but it doesn't sound like there is much to salvage if she can't keep a promise about no 'friendly personal' contact with the man she cheated on you with, so therefor to me that screams "I only care about myself"

 

If you love her I guess you need to trust her and move on but the likelyhood of it working doesn't seem very good....either way Good luck!

[guest83]

I would also like to have some input on this. My wife had an affair about 6 months ago and has since gone NC with the OM, which was a good 1st step. I have decided to try working with her to restore our marriage, but I am having a hard time trusting her. She has constantly asked me what she can do to regain my trust and I just can't think of anything to suggest that she do.

 

Are there any women that have had success in bringing their marriage back to or better than where it was after they cheated on their H and told them? If you have suggestions on what to tell her the next time she asks what she can do, I'd really appreciate it. I feel like it's my fault that I keep saying "I don't know" every time.

 

We have been married 7 years, have two kids.

 

Thanks for your help.

[TMCM]

Originally posted by guest83

I would also like to have some input on this. My wife had an affair about 6 months ago and has since gone NC with the OM, which was a good 1st step. I have decided to try working with her to restore our marriage, but I am having a hard time trusting her. She has constantly asked me what she can do to regain my trust and I just can't think of anything to suggest that she do.

 

Mutual accountability. BOTH of you must become accountable to one another and do it out of love and NOT as a punitive tool [your W will appreciate this because you are included in this].

 

Beleive it or not, YOU are now vulnerable to fall into an affair of your own [doesn't mean you will, but more likely] and it is important that you and your W tale steps to avoid history repeating itself. But in order for mutual accountability to work, a basic trust has to be achieved that honesty will not be met with punishment via angry outbursts, selfish demands or disrespectful judgements.

 

Good luck.

[CanadaGuy]

Originally posted by guest83

I would also like to have some input on this. My wife had an affair about 6 months ago and has since gone NC with the OM, which was a good 1st step. I have decided to try working with her to restore our marriage, but I am having a hard time trusting her. She has constantly asked me what she can do to regain my trust and I just can't think of anything to suggest that she do.

 

Are there any women that have had success in bringing their marriage back to or better than where it was after they cheated on their H and told them? If you have suggestions on what to tell her the next time she asks what she can do, I'd really appreciate it. I feel like it's my fault that I keep saying "I don't know" every time.

 

We have been married 7 years, have two kids.

 

Thanks for your help.

 

You probably have a few things that bothered you about your wife, but lived with it. And she probably did about you as well, however she screwed some guy to deal with what is lacking.

 

Now that the table has turned, tell her what bothers you about her, and maybe she will start to do things that you are lacking in your relationship. Or not, and if not, that should tell you something.

 

P.S. And mine is still not doing what is lacking in our relationship, so that tells me alot!!

[oannamarie]

I think, coming from personal experience as being the one who had the affair, that you not wanting to be close to her and only thinking negative things will not help the relationship. My husband is currently doing to me what you are doing to her and I am having no contact with the other man. It makes it hard for me to stay faithful and in the relationship asking myself why did I want to work this out when he is not giving me the affection I need when that is why I cheated in the first place. I know it is hard on you and what she did but if you want to make it work you need to move on and concentrate on your relationship with her.

[Barby]

In some ways I agree that "dwelling on it" won't make things better. BUT he shouldn't just "get over it" how can he not keep picturing some other man "pawing" his wife? How can your husband not for that matter? That's why affairs are so devastating because how can the person having the affair "honestly" expect the person cheated on to "move on" and not "hate" the fact that the cheater lied, allowed someone else to touch them in the "special" way they vowed to only allow their spouse to do? The cheater burned the bridges of the marriage (male or female it's the same, no excuse for it) and the cheater should do what needs to be done to repair the relationship or if they aren't willing to do this then maybe the relationship should end.....

 

 

I don't know any human being with actual feelings and senses of right and wrong that when they are cheated on (I assume more so in a marriage) that they can just say "oooh yeah you're staying with me you chose me so I'll forgive and forget what you did" how can they not feel betrayed constantly and bitter?

[oannamarie]

Im not saying he should forget about it but thinking negative thoughts about his wife will not help their relationship. Your right Barby. The person who had the affair should try their best to make the relationship better and keep it together but it takes both partners to keep it together and if Toronto doesnt work at it the relationship will not last.

[Barby]

I agree, he should move on if indeed he can't bring himself to work on the relationship. In his particular case she doesn't seem to be keeping her word and in this case I think he shouldn't "forgive and forget" so the best thing to probably do is move on.

 

I don't remember your situation so I can't comment and this isn't the thread to do so...

[CanadaGuy]

Originally posted by oannamarie

I think, coming from personal experience as being the one who had the affair, that you not wanting to be close to her and only thinking negative things will not help the relationship. My husband is currently doing to me what you are doing to her and I am having no contact with the other man. It makes it hard for me to stay faithful and in the relationship asking myself why did I want to work this out when he is not giving me the affection I need when that is why I cheated in the first place. I know it is hard on you and what she did but if you want to make it work you need to move on and concentrate on your relationship with her.

 

Thanks for your input,

 

I'm not staying away from her, especially sexually, our sex life is better than ever. I just have zero respect for someone who keeps breaking her promise with me, and I'm not talking about having sex with him, (or at least not to my knowledge) she still will phone him, for some "business reason" I don't care if it is business or not, she no longer works under this slimey piece of crap, so there is no reason in my eyes that she should have contact with him. and that is the main reason she is not gaining any respect from me.

[Ladyjane14]

I'm not staying away from her, especially sexually, our sex life is better than ever. I just have zero respect for someone who keeps breaking her promise with me

 

I don't think you can make love with a person you have "zero respect" for. You can certainly have a sexual relationship with them, but I don't think you could call that love-making.

 

I don't want to minimize your pain in any way. It takes time to work through it, and when you're dealing with infidelity not everybody can. But at some point, you'll have to decide if you love this woman enough to put it behind you, or if you need to let her go.

 

She can get 'sex' elsewhere, but is it possible that she can only get 'love' from you? Maybe that's why she keeps trying, when it would probably be easier to just let go.

 

Just a thought.

[CanadaGuy]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

 

She can get 'sex' elsewhere, but is it possible that she can only get 'love' from you? Maybe that's why she keeps trying, when it would probably be easier to just let go.

 

Just a thought.

 

I'm a bit confused, what do you mean by she can only get "love" from me?? Or did you mean she can only get sex from me??

 

Let me know

 

Thanks for your reply.

[Ladyjane14]

I meant 'love' as in 'love-making', as in 'intimate' An expression of one's feelings, rather than just 'sex' for the sake of momentary pleasure.

 

Maybe she still loves you?

 

[Cecelius]

Originally posted by oannamarie

Im not saying he should forget about it but thinking negative thoughts about his wife will not help their relationship. Your right Barby. The person who had the affair should try their best to make the relationship better and keep it together but it takes both partners to keep it together and if Toronto doesnt work at it the relationship will not last.

 

 

I agree that it does no good to dwell on it. I also firmly believe that if you get cheated on, she's shown herself not to be worthy of continued affection. Cheating is just a weak person's way of starting to break up, where they'd like to have their cake and eat it too, and also not have to be bold or strong enough to just break up with you (their terror of being alone -- and cheating because you're not getting enough affection is just a variation on being terrified of being alone-- causes them to make things even worse).

 

She did another guy, and she still calls him. You going to take that?

 

Dump her. Find a woman with some moral fiber and some backbone, and get with her.

[CanadaGuy]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

I meant 'love' as in 'love-making', as in 'intimate' An expression of one's feelings, rather than just 'sex' for the sake of momentary pleasure.

 

Maybe she still loves you?

 

 

I think you are right, she does love me, but is a bit dilutionall on what is required to prove that to me. Calling her ex-boss who works for the same company for "business reasons" is unacceptable to me. Also starting to notice that her job is her life, she does seem obsessed with her job lately. maybe because that's the one (only??) thing that she can count on??

[Owl]

Hate to phrase it this way, but don't know any other way to put it but bluntly. Maybe she's focusing on the job because it's the only way/excuse she's got for still being with/around/in-contact with him??

 

My wife seemed to get back into being alive again towards the end of her affair, just before I caught her....because she started cleaning house, doing laundry, not playing in online games...I thought she was coming back to me from whatever depression she'd been in. NOPE! She had quit logging into the game because she started IMing him directly instead of through the game interface. She'd started doing the laundry and cleaning downstairs because it was an excuse to be near the computer (with him) all the time.

 

Sorry, but if there's ever a change in behavior, look for the motivation behind it. If you can't figure it out without making excuses for her, BE WORRIED!

[Ladyjane14]

A person will only 'jump through hoops' for a limited amount of time, no matter how bad the infraction was. Eventually, she will stop trying to win your forgiveness.

 

I'm not sure that she has enough certainty that everything will 'work out' between you to justify making changes on her job. It could be that she's focusing extra attention on her career in an effort to avoid the problems in the relationship. She could even be evading your efforts to exert control over her.

 

I don't know, there are alot of things besides cheating that could be at work here. If she wanted her boss, why not just kick you to the curb and have him?

 

Please don't take this the wrong way, because I don't want to minimize your pain in ANY way, but you two aren't married. I'm not sure that I would feel the same sense of fidelity for a boyfriend that I feel for my husband. That's just me, maybe she feels differently.

[CanadaGuy]

Originally posted by Ladyjane14

A person will only 'jump through hoops' for a limited amount of time, no matter how bad the infraction was. Eventually, she will stop trying to win your forgiveness.

 

I'm not sure that she has enough certainty that everything will 'work out' between you to justify making changes on her job. It could be that she's focusing extra attention on her career in an effort to avoid the problems in the relationship. She could even be evading your efforts to exert control over her.

 

I don't know, there are allot of things besides cheating that could be at work here. If she wanted her boss, why not just kick you to the curb and have him?

 

Please don't take this the wrong way, because I don't want to minimize your pain in ANY way, but you two aren't married. I'm not sure that I would feel the same sense of fidelity for a boyfriend that I feel for my husband. That's just me, maybe she feels differently.

 

We may not be married, but we are (oops, I meant) WERE engaged, and we did buy a house together. So the commitment (in my eyes) was just as if we were married.

 

When I first found out she was slutting around with her boss, after the usual name calling and rage reaction. The first thing I said (and this was on the first day) was "what did I do wrong? How can I fix it? I don't want to loose you. We went on a date the night, and had a great time (how I managed that?? I was surprised myself)

 

After she did a few "iffy" things (iffy= not 100% proof of continued sexual contact) The last straw was when I found out she let him bang her on his desk in the office, and then invite him over to my house the next night, while I was on a business trip.

 

So after that, kicked her out of the house took my ring back, and gave up on the relationship, and started living single again.

 

Well, it is 1/2 her house as well, and I have no strength to turn her down (sexually) so a week later she moved back in.

 

 

So that is why I'm not trying to fix it, and just living my life the way I want to. She is "trying" in her own terms, but she CAN NOT promise "no contact" with him, so as long as she can not keep that promise, I will assume the worst.

[whichwayisup]

Well, it is 1/2 her house as well, and I have no strength to turn her down (sexually) so a week later she moved back in.

 

 

So that is why I'm not trying to fix it, and just living my life the way I want to. She is "trying" in her own terms, but she CAN NOT promise "no contact" with him, so as long as she can not keep that promise, I will assume the worst.

 

T.O Guy, so basically you are allowing her to have her cake and eat it too because.......................?

 

Reading what you put just seems as though you are asking for your heart to be broken and hurt even more. She needs to decide who she wants. You or him. She continues to wanna see him then she should go live with him. She wants you then she is with just you. How long can you take this? Sooner or later you're gonna burst in pain and anger.

 

I do hope things get better.

[CanadaGuy]

Things are getting a bit better, and we are off to Mexico next week for a week alone.

 

Her calls to "him" have stopped for the last 2 months.

 

And I'm looking after me now, not us, and ironically it helps big time

 

Thanks for all the input and support

[hurtinheart]

Did you catch her cheating or did she confess to you cause she felt guilty???? sounds to me you are very bitter and you should be!!!!! but... right now you sound like your to hurt to let it go or forgive!!!! i feel it is going to always be on your mind and that will cause nothing but problems. if you don't know where she is @ all times you will always think the worst!!!! i

I have had an affair on my husband!!!! we have been married 13 years now the affair happend in 2000 and i still hear about it to this day i have changed everything about myself to prove i love him and want it to work but it will never go away!!!!! It's a long story why i did it and what happened but we both have done wrong the only difference is i choose to leave the past in the past!!!! it was my choice to forgive and not walk away so i don't throw it up!!!!! sometimes i wish he would have made the choice to walk away instead of throwing it up all the time!!!!! anyway you need to decide if you want to forgive i know you won't forget but work through it together if that is what you want to do but throwing it up in an arguement will never make it any eaiser!!!! GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!!!