Women, If you have had an affair, and now are trying to fix your marriage what did...

[Owl]

You know Hurtn, I'm struggling with something here that you and I seem to sorta have in common. My wife had an online emotional affair six months ago, and when I confronted her with it, he bought her plane tickets so that she could go live with him. A large part of what was so scary about the whole thing was that she had never actually met him face to face. I did everything I could to keep her from going, and in the end she didn't get on that plane, and she stayed with me. We struggled through the first few weeks, but now she's very glad she stayed and that we've worked things out. I'm still deeply hurt by what happened, and I'm still trying to deal with it myself. She feels like she's over it, and that it is in the past and should stay there.

 

Why is it that the spouse who didn't stray has to practically beg to work things out, when they weren't the ones who screwed up in the first place? I'm not saying I didn't have a part in it...she was unhappy with aspects of our marriage (in truth, very small ones that were magnified by her depression). There were things that I said when I found out about it that darn sure didn't help us deal with it well at the time. BUT, that didn't give her the right to go outside of our marriage to try to find someone better.

 

Understand that your husband may well have some pretty serious emotional scars left by what you did. I'm NOT condoning bringing what happened up in a fight or in an attempt to make you feel bad. I don't do that now, nor do I ever see that as something that I should do. But if he's still hurt by what happened, something needs to be done to try to help him get over it. Counseling, talking through it, something. You stated that you sometimes wish he HAD let you go...you had the choice to stay too friend. Don't blame him for being hurt by what you did. Don't take this post as against you...I guess I'm asking you to look at it from the side of someone who's been hurt like this. My wife simply does not nor will ever truly understand what she did to me. Have I forgiven her? Yes. Do I hold this against her, or use it against her when we disagree? No. But in truth, what she did has changed my personality. I don't trust like I used to. I don't smile and am not as outgoing as I used to be. What happened is on my mind every day, many times a day. Your husband might be in the same kind of state I am. Or, it is possible that he hasn't forgiven you. Things to think about I guess.

[CanadaGuy]

Originally posted by hurtinheart

Did you catch her cheating or did she confess to you cause she felt guilty???? sounds to me you are very bitter and you should be!!!!! but... right now you sound like your to hurt to let it go or forgive!!!! i feel it is going to always be on your mind and that will cause nothing but problems. if you don't know where she is @ all times you will always think the worst!!!! i

I have had an affair on my husband!!!! we have been married 13 years now the affair happend in 2000 and i still hear about it to this day i have changed everything about myself to prove i love him and want it to work but it will never go away!!!!! It's a long story why i did it and what happened but we both have done wrong the only difference is i choose to leave the past in the past!!!! it was my choice to forgive and not walk away so i don't throw it up!!!!! sometimes i wish he would have made the choice to walk away instead of throwing it up all the time!!!!! anyway you need to decide if you want to forgive i know you won't forget but work through it together if that is what you want to do but throwing it up in an arguement will never make it any eaiser!!!! GOOD LUCK TO YOU!!!!!

 

 

Thanks for you comments, what caused you to have an affair?? She told me that is started as a friendship and became and emotinall affair, it "was not about the sex" . From my opinion, if it was not about the sex, why did you "%$#" him??? Maybe as a guy its hard to understand, if I would sleep with all the people I'm emotinally attached to, I'd be one busy guy.

 

To answer your question, I caught her cheating, not once, but more than twice with the same piece of crap boss of hers (who is also married)

 

Yes,I'm very bitter. What I'm also surprised at, is I have a very high sex drive, and like to give and receive oral. And she does not, I would think that after what has happened, she would be doing that as much as I wanted (or at least more than before) (and I knew she blew him, so...)

 

I even asked her last night for some fun (after I gave her some, as long as she wanted) and she said "is that all you think about, maybe you should just find someone to give me blow jobs" Well the bright side of that is, I have "permission" now (I knwo she said it in haste, but to bad for her) (reallity is it is hard to find a women who just wants a sexual relastionship, and I'd rather be having fun my girl"

[Owl]

Toronto-

 

Dude...hate to say it, but gotta be blunt. You're talking that she gave you permission...if you feel that's what you're gonna do ("too bad for her"), then just get the hell out of this relationship. There's no point in even trying if you're still this bitter and feel the need for revenge/whatever. If you can't get to a point where you can forgive and get past it, then let her go and the both of ya'll need to start over. I'm not saying she did right...not by a long shot!!! But there's no point in continuing a relationship that is just festering, and not healing. Have either of you considered counseling?

[One of the girls]

I cheated.

 

Once you did it then, you'll probalby do it again.

 

If you don't know what need she satisifed, what pay-off she got, and if that has not been resolved, be assured she will cheat again.

 

Meanwhile, your minding her appointment book, and her actions.....and doing your best to occupy her mind............only places her in a lesser accountable position..........that of a child, someone who must be attended. While it makes it more work, it makes her infidelities more desirable, excusable, and delicious.

 

But by the way, cheating is about ethics - ethics are what you do when no one is looking. That is buried deep down in the you in you.

 

Think you could really change that?

 

glamourho

[CanadaGuy]

Originally posted by TorontoGuy

Things are getting a bit better, and we are off to Mexico next week for a week alone.

 

Her calls to "him" have stopped for the last 2 months.

 

And I'm looking after me now, not us, and ironically it helps big time

 

Thanks for all the input and support

 

 

Now things are even better, since the trip, we have been having a great time

 

The one problem I have now (minor one)

 

The dirt-bag called her in December (she never told me) anyway, he invited her to some company function, which she did not go, he called her 11:30, 2:30 in the morning drunk and pissed off that she did not go to the event.

 

This guy is afraid of me, we went to a company function, and he was supposed to do a speech, and the worm/snake piece of crap, didn't show up!!! Ha ha!!

 

I'm going to tell his wife that he called, and to never talk to or call my girl ever again

 

Any idea's of how to put this guy in his place?? (and stay out of jail...)

 

P.S. (the good part of that is she did not go, and he has not called since)