Hopelesscircle Posted June 30, 2013 Share Posted June 30, 2013 (edited) To be honest I'm still in denial about being an alcoholic mainly because I only drink for 2-2.5 weeks out of the month, until I run out of money or become sick or do something really embarrassing. But tonight and the last couple of days its been extra hard because I notice in my patterns I been getting by every bad situation by going, "Oh wait until I can drink then everything will be fine again." "Oh I need to drink in order to do this or that or put up with these people." I'm crying thinking I don't wanna be here anymore because I don't have it and I know like even if I did sooner or later I'm gonna run out of money and feel the same way again and then I think about what I'm doing to my liver and health. I'm trying to weigh things out. Pros and cons of me drinking. I just know I feel absolutely miserable without it. My body mind and soul is just crying out for it for the last few days. I feel agitated without it and had an impulse to go to my exes house and fight him and his new girlfriend (probably the one cheated on me with) because I feel mad that he never truly loved me when he said he did, when drunk me wouldn't care and just be happy and go around finding other men to keep me company. I want feel that liquid burn through me its so comforting and distracting. It masks the pain and makes me forget it. Without drinking I'm invisible to people and I'm just there. Its how I made all these so called friends that I have and became the person everyone wanted to hang out with or be associated with. That confidence boosted my self esteem. Without the alcohol they don't know me and seem bored hanging around me and I feel like I let them down. I'm not a mean drunk I'm a fun drunk I make everyone laugh and feel special. I change the tone of atmospheres around me I can make everyone in a room get up and dance. When I don't drink I'm very quiet, distant, bored, very insecure and I feel inadequate most of the time. With the alcohol I can get almost any man I want. Without it I can't even and don't even want to talk to them. Truth is I hate myself and my true personality which is boring and rigid and timid. I tried to change it on my own but I can't and its worse if I force it. For the first 15 years of my life I was abused by my parents and bullied in school. I went through 10 years of therapy and medication and it didn't help me. Since I've been drinking I rarely feel suicidal anymore, but when I'm not drinking the depression is overwhelming. My eyes are bloodshot and feel like they wanna explode out of my head as I'm writing this I've cried so hard. It wasn't until my early twenties when I took the first sip that I finally started becoming who I want to be and feeling comfortable with myself, but without it I can't step out of this shell, and its when I'm not drinking that I feel depressed and angry. When I'm drinking I don't care that nobody truly loves me. I can easily deal with people's lies and bs and failing me. Its just when I'm not drinking that I actually feel bothered by this. I just don't like this dependency and I know alcoholism is typically viewed as a negative thing but I'm thinking about just staying drunk for the rest of my life until there's no more soul or real me left. Edited June 30, 2013 by Hopelesscircle Grammatical error Link to post Share on other sites
keepontruckin Posted August 5, 2013 Share Posted August 5, 2013 Why don't you contact me. I'm not hitting on you, but we seem to have quite a bit in common... More than you think, actually. Link to post Share on other sites
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