Overcoming the "Grass is greener syndrome"

[cristiana]

So me and my boyfriend broke up.

 

I feel that I have this "Grass is greener syndrome", i.e. have a long relationship with my boyfriend but have a desire to experiment other pastures.

 

We broke up for a while... and in a week I went from a state of euphoria to depression, and didn't test whether the grass was actually greener on the other side of the fence. (We were in a LDR when this happened)

 

The break up period was excellent to make me realize that I real want him for a long term relationship. It also helped me to put some of his "flaws" in perspective. I realized that though it would be easy to find guys to play the field, it would be so difficult to find a person like my boyfriend. And that I didn't really want to throw away all that we've built for nothing.

 

Though I am thankful that I recongnized this and think that there are some things in the relationship that we should work on to make it more exciting, I still feel the Grass is Greener Syndrome and I'm afraid that it will come again in the future to sabotage my relationship. Especially as I'm going through another phase of LDR, which won't be too long.

 

How can I get rid of this feeling? How can I keep it from tormenting me in the future? Would it solve the problem if we were in an open relationship for a while? Or will he just be jealous and hate me for that?

 

I would welcome advice from people who have been in similar situations, and not so much moral judgements. I am immature and I know that! But how can I overcome this and feel in peace?

[Betty7]

Hi!! I was with the most incredible guy for three years and left him because I thought the grass is greener. I ended up having a couple of short term love affairs instead of putting in the hard yards of ldr because I wasn't willing to make that commitment to my ex. So while he was pinning over me, missing me and trying to get back together with me for 2 years post breakup. I was exploring the pastures! By the time I realised what I had and said once and for all ok. I'm going to commit to him even if it is long distance. He had met the now love of his life who he's had children with. I've never met anyone as fantastic as him while exploring the pastures and by the time I'd realised what I had it was too late. That was 6 years ago and my life has never been the same without him. My advice to you is to recognise what you have with your bf and please understand that its normal to want what we can't have. If you've become complacent with him. Try to make your relationship more exciting. A soulmate connection is there for a reason!

[cristiana]

Thank you... I have to concentrate on that thought. I don't want to lose him, and it's difficult to find someone with the same set of qualities that I appreciate so much! Our emotional bond is very very strong.

I have been thinking to take the birth control pill while I go on the LDR so that it kills my libido quite a bit... This way I could still party and enjoy myself without the risk of feeling so damn tempted all the time... I wish I could be there, enjoying everyting but without the temptation and the damn guilt for the constant thoughts and desires to f*** around!

 

I also have a huge fear to commit. Though I really picture ourselves living together and there are so nice details about that which I like so much, I also feel the fear to lose my freedom or my hobbies... I feel suffocated... he does give me time for myself... (he is so awesome as to the point of understanding that I really need my space so that things work out between us...). I don't really think of having children (maybe because I'm immature) but he really wants to. I am also afraid of that!

 

I am really afraid of: 1) the recent thoughts about experimenting with other people that I've been having; 2) my fear to commit. I need to find ways to deal with this. I am so thankful that the break period helped me to realize some stuff! But it should have been longer so that I would suffer more and never forget this pain again.

 

In the meanwhile I am trying to think of ways to make things more exciting between me and my boyfriend. Maybe I can replace this recent obsession with the "greener pastures" with other activities that would strengthen our bond and give us the excitement that I feel that is lacking? (i.e. extreme sports; camping; sex in different places; getting somewhat drunk together...).

 

Betty, I wish you good luck for the future! You will be fine!

[cristiana]

Just a note... apart from these issues, and when I am normal, I am in general a good, sweet and fun girlfriend...

[LinkWorshiper]

I'm interested in hearing more because I am 90% sure this is what my boyfriend of 2.5 years is experiencing. Our break up was sudden and akin to a freak out, though I could tell he had something bothering him in the weeks leading up to it. A lot of things have happened in the months we've been broken up, including me having a breakdown that landed me in the hospital, a thing I worry has scared my boyfriend away. But at the same time, we had been talking and our relationship was slowly growing up again from the ground up... He said he wanted to work on himself and his life, that he wasn't focused on fixing "us", and I was okay with that because to me, it's pretty obvious he is depressed and needs to sort out a lot of things for himself that had been issues in our relationship (and surely his relationships with friends, family etc.). Anyway, I can't tell if this is part of the GIGS or what... but he, despite claiming friendship, started getting really close to me, flirting, asking what he had to do to repair the relationship, sending me photos of himself, the whole nine yards. I could have sworn he wanted to get serious again, only to turn on a dime, get quiet, and then tell me (after I insisted he talk to me about what was on his mind) that he met someone he maybe wanted to pursue but he wasn't sure, maybe they'd be friends. And though he still kept insisting he wanted me around, I told him if he couldn't decide what he wanted, maybe we shouldn't see each other for a bit, because his emotional push/pull was damaging to me.

 

I guess my question to you, m'lady, who is experiencing the GIGS... does an action like this stick with you, or does it not make a difference? Do you think he was genuinely unsure of what he felt for me and the GIGS was in the way or what? Will removing myself from his life make him realize that there is a risk I could go away forever? Or any insight you have!!

[CarrieT]

For all of you, posting your ages would help a LOT.

 

Many of us "old-timers" understand that GIGS is a very frequent phenomenon when we are in our 20s and even into our 30s.

 

If you are in your early 20s, then you are still suffering from the Half-Baked Brain Syndrome, written about here. In short, even though you believe you are fully an adult and mature, a crucial part of the brain — the frontal lobes — are not fully connected. Really. Recent studies show that neural insulation isn't complete until the mid-20s.

 

It is why those of us that experienced what you guys are going through heartily recommend not getting too emotionally attached until your 30s, at least.

[LinkWorshiper]

For all of you, posting your ages would help a LOT.

 

Many of us "old-timers" understand that GIGS is a very frequent phenomenon when we are in our 20s and even into our 30s.

 

If you are in your early 20s, then you are still suffering from the Half-Baked Brain Syndrome, written about here. In short, even though you believe you are fully an adult and mature, a crucial part of the brain — the frontal lobes — are not fully connected. Really. Recent studies show that neural insulation isn't complete until the mid-20s.

 

It is why those of us that experienced what you guys are going through heartily recommend not getting too emotionally attached until your 30s, at least.

 

I'm 26, my guy is 24. I know his age probably has a lot to do with this, and it probably doesn't help him that he has always been in and out of relationships without really taking time to analyze any of the things that play into the failure in the relationships. So part of me is almost glad that it's been six months and he has yet to commit to any kind of relationship, because he might actually be trying to focus on all the things about himself that he says. On the flip side of the coin, is that where all his confusion and mixed messages come from? Because I really don't think he's aware of what the fallout of his behavior is. I know he's recently decided to stop drinking so hard and weed, so maybe that will help him climb into a more cognitive place. I guess I wish I just had a better understanding of whether or not he will overcome it, or if I can even tell when the confusion stops and the real talk begins.

[CarrieT]

I guess I wish I just had a better understanding of whether or not he will overcome it, or if I can even tell when the confusion stops and the real talk begins.

He will overcome it - however YOU might not be the person he is meant to be with on the other side. Or, you might not want to be with the person HE becomes when he comes out on the other side.

 

Much of that will depend on the level of communication you two have during the process and if you can hold out during the innevitable changes.

[Woggle]

Just go for greener pastures and stop dragging him along. It's not fair to keep putting him through this.

[LinkWorshiper]

He will overcome it - however YOU might not be the person he is meant to be with on the other side. Or, you might not want to be with the person HE becomes when he comes out on the other side.

 

Much of that will depend on the level of communication you two have during the process and if you can hold out during the innevitable changes.

 

I really want to be. Not that I'm putting my life on hold for him, but I've found I'm just not really interested in being with anybody else, even though I've been trying. I could always tell that there was something bothering him, like maybe depression or something that didn't really have to do with me, during our relationship, and our mutual friends have reported to me he kind of acts the same way when he's out with them too. We were communicating a lot in the past few months, spending time together, and I was under the impression we were taking time to work on ourselves and rebuild things from the ground one, one step at a time. He even started flirting with me seriously for about a week and a half before turning on a dime and getting distant. When I demanded I tell him what was up, he said he met someone he might maybe pursue, but maybe he didn't want to, he wasn't sure, maybe they'd be friends, he was feeling it out. I told him that until he figured out what he wanted to do, we shouldn't see each other for a bit.

 

I guess I worry that for someone with GIGS, is doing something like this letting him off the emotional hook? You said that we should maintain communication but I also felt I had to be clear that he was jerking me around regardless of intention. I want to work things out with him, and I think it was good I put my foot down, but I'm not sure what my next step should be. He told me to reach out to him when I feel comfortable, though everybody else on this site says I should wait for him to wake up and message me. I'm just not sure.

[CarrieT]

You said that we should maintain communication but I also felt I had to be clear that he was jerking me around regardless of intention. I want to work things out with him, and I think it was good I put my foot down, but I'm not sure what my next step should be. He told me to reach out to him when I feel comfortable, though everybody else on this site says I should wait for him to wake up and message me. I'm just not sure.

 

I say communication is important when BOTH PARTIES want it to work and the lines of communication are open. Sounds like he isn't ready for that and you are best to let him go.

 

Your best next step is to wait... Often, time is the best indicator of what is meant to be.

[LinkWorshiper]

I say communication is important when BOTH PARTIES want it to work and the lines of communication are open. Sounds like he isn't ready for that and you are best to let him go.

 

Your best next step is to wait... Often, time is the best indicator of what is meant to be.

 

He said to a friend of mine just after the break up that he knew things could work out with us, but he had to see that I could get myself together and that he had some of his own stuff to handle. When we were spending time together, I really thought our communication was improving, and though there were bumps here and there, I thought it was on an upward track, especially when he started flirting with me again. He had been saying that he wanted to be friends while we took care of all these things, so I guess I thought that the flirting was an indicator that he was thinking of taking another step. Which is why I was so let down when he abruptly said he was maybe thinking of pursuing someone else, though he couldn't even commit to THAT (had more reasons why it wouldn't work than why it would), and then invited me to a baseball game for the weekend. He said he had been trying to make the mood lighter even though it was obvious I wasn't okay with the situation when I called him to tell him we shouldn't see each other for a bit if he wasn't even sure what he wanted to do. He called my assessment of the situation "fair", and only dissented when I told him I felt like he was trying to maintain the same relationship we always had but without sex and call that friendship. That's when he said to take much space as I needed and he would take his, and I should reach out to him when I am comfortable. I guess I'm just not sure what that even means. We had communication going, and I guess I feel like maybe I'm having some knee-jerk reaction that is undoing all that progress?

[flitzanu]

So me and my boyfriend broke up.

 

I feel that I have this "Grass is greener syndrome", i.e. have a long relationship with my boyfriend but have a desire to experiment other pastures.

 

We broke up for a while... and in a week I went from a state of euphoria to depression, and didn't test whether the grass was actually greener on the other side of the fence. (We were in a LDR when this happened)

 

The break up period was excellent to make me realize that I real want him for a long term relationship. It also helped me to put some of his "flaws" in perspective. I realized that though it would be easy to find guys to play the field, it would be so difficult to find a person like my boyfriend. And that I didn't really want to throw away all that we've built for nothing.

 

Though I am thankful that I recongnized this and think that there are some things in the relationship that we should work on to make it more exciting, I still feel the Grass is Greener Syndrome and I'm afraid that it will come again in the future to sabotage my relationship. Especially as I'm going through another phase of LDR, which won't be too long.

 

How can I get rid of this feeling? How can I keep it from tormenting me in the future? Would it solve the problem if we were in an open relationship for a while? Or will he just be jealous and hate me for that?

 

I would welcome advice from people who have been in similar situations, and not so much moral judgements. I am immature and I know that! But how can I overcome this and feel in peace?

 

there's obviously a part of you that wants to see and be with other people. that's not a feeling that you can just hide or get rid of or overcome. and being in an open relationship just so you can bang other guys...also means he can go bang other girls. that's not solving the issue, that's just creating more of them.

 

if you want to see other people, you shouldn't keep stringing him along, simple as that. also if you're bargaining with yourself about his "flaws" and how he isn't so bad, blah blah blah, it sounds like you're just making excuses to stay when some part of you is telling you to leave.

[Woggle]

If you really want to be with him long distance pick up a hobby that doesn't involve being with other people but really I think this relationship is doomed.

[athousandquestions]

If it's only been a week since you've broken up I think it's safe to say you still don't know what you want.

 

You both need more time, the fact is you ARE young and there is nothing wrong with wanting to see what else is out there - but you need to understand that there is a chance you guys will not get back together at all. I would say leave eachother alone for a significant period of time (upwards of a year.) Do all the growing/learning you can in this time and BE IN STRICT NC.

 

If a year goes by and you still miss him, reach out. Theres a huge chance what you're feeling right now is just you missing him, missing being in a relationship, etc and that if you get back with him right now a few months later you will want to leave again BECAUSE you have not fulfilled the purpose of the breakup (since you have GIGS, seeing other people, focusing on yourself, etc)

 

 

Edit: If you really are meant to be, it will not matter how much time you spend apart/if you do not talk for a while. If it's meant to be, it will be.

[cristiana]

I am still terrified even if we are back again. The "break" idea sounds of course alluring to me, but I can't ask a person to wait for me while I bang other people... The idea of not screwing around is difficult to accept, the idea of losing my boyfriend seems even more pain (I thought that would be the solution, but after we broke up I realized that I'm not ready to lose him. I was a total wreck after the first days of euforia, when I came to me and realized what I lost). Cheating is not an option, not only because it's wrong, but because I can't live with the idea of fooling a person that I love. So I have to get this out of my head!!

 

I also realize that to some extent it is the simultaneous lack of sex + the abundance of available partners that is driving me nuts (we're in a LDR now, but at the moment everybody is gone, so there's no temptation around). It becomes particularly hard after the first month. Do you think therapy can help me deal with this? Or birth control pill to reduce my sex drive while I'm away? Maybe the feeling will go away after being for some weeks with my boyfriend and calming down?

 

I feel so helpless that I wouldn't mind if he banged other girls and I was with guys. If it didn't hurt him emotionally, I would risk that, but I don't think he would accept that. He is very understanding and really loves me, but this is asking for too much. I am even afraid of mentioning GIGS and my obsession to experiment with other people, because I think that he will be upset with that. Or is it something I could to some extent negotiate/ hint? (lol now I'm kidding, but what if the therapist suggests that?)

 

I know he wouldn't mind if I hooked up with other girls. Unfortunately, and even if I used to find girls somewhat attractive, my GIGS has turned me to the most heterosexual person I've ever been :(

 

I'm seriously thinking of seeking therapy. I have almost everything right now to be happy and it's a shame that I'm wasting my time torturing myself with these ideas... Before I had a high sex drive and would be into trying new things, and maybe I can switch my enthusiasm back to what can be done inside the bedroom when we're together or when we will be together.

 

As to the other person whose boyfriend is having GIGS, I would go no contact. I would not be too angry or overreact, but simply say: "you're immature and I don't want to handle you right now". Don't say that you'll patiently wait but also don't be so angry and definitive that he will be afraid to talk to you again. Leave him in doubt as to whether you will accept him in the future or not. Try to move on and be happy. If he comes back to you, let him crawl for a long time and see if he really is more mature! Make him suffer a bit! I think that it would have been the best in my situation. Good luck!

[cristiana]

I read this on askmetafilter:

"Meditation (or contemplative prayer, po-tay-to, po-tah-to) helps with being able to do this. You practice letting thoughts pass through your mind, neither clinging to them or pushing them away.

 

You can do the same with these urges, by looking them in the eye, giving them a respectful nod, maybe even thanking them for giving you an occasion to reaffirm your life decisions while reminding you that you're still a man and all those systems still work. But you also grip the keys to your brain a little more tightly as they pass.

 

And the urges always pass. Unless you hold onto them. Or follow them. Or stuff them in a closet inside you somewhere."

 

I realized how I love receiving oral sex and that it wouldn't happen in casual sex due to the risk of STDs...

 

Besides I gave it a thought and concluded that what I crave for is not so much the intercourse, but the flirting, feeling desired, being grabbed, kissing, touching, rubbing a bit, the excitement surrounding the whole thing. For example, hooking up with a guy at a party or a club would probably do it for me (I don't know but somehow this realization made me calm down a little!!). Ofc I wouldn't mind the sex, but then I really doubt that such a fling can give me more powerful orgasms than my dildo (do not contradict me!!). Still I don't think my bf would be glad about this idea of me kissing other guys...

 

Well now I will meditate without guilt until I fall asleep. Maybe I can turn these urges into fantasies..........

[flitzanu]

you're understanding that you WANT to bang other people, right? does that seem like you should feel that way if you're in a committed relationship? are you not sensing any underlying problems with that?

[hotpotato]

Well, err, whats the problem? In open relationships both people can see fool around. Sounds to me like you just want him to be your faithful emotional crutch waiting on you just in case your escapades fail.

 

I can tell you from experience a bunch of meaningless encounters will not fill you up in the long run. You have a hearty steak in front of you, but you think a big mac will be better.

 

Please do as others said and let him go. Dont expect him to be around when you get done with your 'gigs.' You will probably go on a path of destruction hurting yourself and others, but I guess its a path you have to take.

 

Many prople here would fight tooth and nail for their relationships, even their ldrs.

Edited July 1, 2013 by hotpotato

[cristiana]

The thing is... I KNOW it is a path of self-destruction... I realized that during the short break. If my bf was not that good, GIGS would definitely win. THe thing is that I realized on time that I don't want to lose him and that we are very attached emotionally.

That's why I need to get rid of this feeling... just don't know how!

[cristiana]

I noticed that most of the people answering (thank you btw! ) were the dumpees... So you have no hope of a person with GIGS overcoming it without going down the wild-fun-but-soon-self-destructive path.

 

But maybe there are happier stories?? You channel this energy into new fantasies?? Or you content yourself with fulfilling these fantasies inside your head (my previous boss is hot and at the beginning I would fantasize about him and it would give me stronger orgasms, and that's perfectly fine because I would never ever act on these fantasies... It was just a turn on that made me reach orgasm more quickly. I had not the slightest intention of doing it in reality). If only I could transform the urge into a fantasy... that would solve my problem!

 

I'm almost 30 and I don't see myself coming back home when the LDR ends and not having my boyfriend... And I want to enjoy all the things that I have in the other place, it's being a great experience, but without the constant stupid temptation and guilt!!! It makes me feel immature, shallow and sad.

[dumPI]

My exgf is the queen of the gigs so to speak.

 

She left me 1.5 years ago just to hook up/start a relationship with 3 (or more who knows) different guys one after another which then she ended after some months.

 

Moreover she told me I had been the best of all and no one could compare but ... she still has to be in the loop of searching for new attention, craving new guys falling in love with her, and being in a cyclic honeymoon period.

 

The problem is she's been like that for 5-6 years (8,9 guys) and continues that destructive behaviour.

 

I wondered also during a long time if there was any way to prevent that or to make her get rid of the GIGS. And I really don't think so. I think it's a matter of who you are, how you were raised and all the needs and lacks present in your life. She also was depressed, cried after leaving every new boyfriend but once again she starts needing the affection from any new guy in the picture. We too were in an LDR when that happen.

 

That's to say that I don't think you can make yourself out of the GIGS feeling without dumping your boyfriend. Of course there will be consecuences for that, maybe some you can't even predict right now.

 

But how do you get rid of the idea that you can find something better if you never try? There is just by realizing what you have. Possibility is that you never find greener pastures, or you do and it takes a long while (look at previous poster after 6 years), or you find it instantly. Everything can happen.

 

Anyhow your current relationship is doomed and the faster you let him go, the better for him

[hotpotato]

Cristiana,

The only reason you are still with this guy is because you haven't found your 'lifeboat.' By that I mean the guy who you think is so much better than your bf.

 

I can hear it already....

 

"He understands what i want."

"He does this and that so much"

 

Then he'll turn out to be a total d-bag (which will be obvious to everyone else). He'll use you for awhile, then you'll hop from man to man.

 

I dont know anyone who has getting rid of gigs without going through that path...Anybody?

[soccerrprp]

Cristiana,

The only reason you are still with this guy is because you haven't found your 'lifeboat.' By that I mean the guy who you think is so much better than your bf.

 

I can hear it already....

 

"He understands what i want."

"He does this and that so much"

 

Then he'll turn out to be a total d-bag (which will be obvious to everyone else). He'll use you for awhile, then you'll hop from man to man.

 

I dont know anyone who has getting rid of gigs without going through that path...Anybody?

 

Yup. Yup.....oh, and...Yup. I can see this happening. Then the person begins to regret miserably about losing the guy or gal who was so wonderful, but didn't have the sense to see it.

 

Did I say, "yup?"

[cristiana]

You guys have a view as if it was a fate and it freaking scares me!!!!