Overcoming the "Grass is greener syndrome"

[soccerrprp]

You guys have a view as if it was a fate and it freaking scares me!!!!

 

Nothing is ever certain, but there are patterns, experiences that consistently play themselves out. I am not saying that IT WILL happen this way, but it's a common, all too common, theme.

 

There's a saying that makes sense. Something that the Psychiatrists/Psychologists adhere to: The greatest predictor of future behavior is past behavior.

 

Think about it....

[hotpotato]

The thing is... I KNOW it is a path of self-destruction... I realized that during the short break. If my bf was not that good, GIGS would definitely win. THe thing is that I realized on time that I don't want to lose him and that we are very attached emotionally.

That's why I need to get rid of this feeling... just don't know how!

 

It has nothing to do with how good your bf is. I would almost say the better he is the worse your gigs will be!

[soccerrprp]

It has nothing to do with how good your bf is. I would almost say the better he is the worse your gigs will be!

 

Interesting hotpotato. Are you suggesting that the better the guy, the stronger the feelings of GIGS? As in, "Wow, this guy is great, I wonder if I can find someone even better?"

 

EDIT: Of course you are...

[hotpotato]

Interesting hotpotato. Are you suggesting that the better the guy, the stronger the feelings of GIGS? As in, "Wow, this guy is great, I wonder if I can find someone even better?"

 

EDIT: Of course you are...

 

I think it could be. I'm starting to wonder if gigs is some kind of self sabotage compulsion for some people? After all, they must know on some level it wont work out. Kudos to Cristiana for being more self-aware than most.

[soccerrprp]

It's not about her Ex or the next guy or the guy after that. They aren't really wanting / looking for someone "better".

 

It's about her need and desire to "Sow Her Wild Oats" and "Live It Up" before she decides / is ready for something "more" / marriage.

 

People with G.I.G.S. no damn well that they are going to get screwed over and screw people over, date a-holes, sleep around, get played, be a player, make bad decisions and choices, do things they normally wouldn't, etc.

 

People with G.I.G.S. purposely avoid, will not date or self-destruct anyone they date who is like their Ex or a "good" guy / girl. To them, those people are no fun, repulsive, smothering and it's like being in prison. They instead will date people who they very well are bad for them or who have G.I.G.S. too on purpose.

 

Believe it or not, the OP will have the time of her life in that "crazy" G.I.G.S. lifestyle / world. All the drama, attention, ups and downs, uncertainty, chaos, being screwed over and screwing the idiots over, etc. is their idea of fun and very exciting.

 

Not everyone gets G.I.G.S. and for those people, what I said above make NO SENSE WHATSOEVER. It is impossible for you to understand / fathom why someone would ever choose / put themselves through what you consider hell. I could write a book about this "phenomenon" and the psychology behind it and after you reading it... You still would not understand / agree with someone having G.I.G.S.

 

Were you or are you a GIGer? Or a bitter victim of one? This sounds like you have a story to tell (understatement, I know ).

[travelonic]

 

People with G.I.G.S. no damn well that they are going to get screwed over and screw people over, date a-holes, sleep around, get played, be a player, make bad decisions and choices, do things they normally wouldn't, etc.

 

Do they?

 

Do they really understand what they're doing fully, or not? I mean, from my understanding, I thought GIGS was different in that it was a phase that was at least partly brought about with inexperience and ignorance playing a huge role [and that knowingly going about hurting people, sleeping around, etc had a somewhat more disgraceful connotation or two attached to them.

[cristiana]

It is as if I had a crystal ball and already knew the result of it all! That's miserable in the end. However, I'm also afraid that I won't be happy either if I don't do it.

 

I wouldn't be looking for a relationship or a better person. It'd be more for the fun, novelty, excitement, etc. as you mentioned.

 

I also know that I tend to like people and be a nice person to everybody and also hate feeling used. So this is a good indicator that this lifestyle wouldn't make me happy for a long time.

 

I would seriously consider cheating because I know it wouldn't hurt my bf as he would never know, but i really know that my guilt would haunt me for the rest of my life (I know I'm like that).

 

I don't think it's fair to ask him to understand and still love me after I tell him this (especially because he has always trusted me so much!). Knowing that he is miserable while I "sow my oats" would make me feel even guiltier in the end.................

 

Crap, I need a psychiatrist or psychotherapy. I can't see a nice way of getting away from this situation! And talking to a person that went through this AFTER having a child, is not helping me either :( After having broken up with my boyfriend and then accepting him back, I can't tell him about GIGS, break up again, go several months to another country, come back, and expect him to feel happy to see me again or want me back... :(:(

 

If only he had a strong threesome fantasy or some kinky stuff going on his mind, maybe we could make it work for both of us... but then I think he is happy to have the threesomes just as an unfulfilled fantasy, and to watch it simply in porn movies lol

[soccerrprp]

No I am not bitter at all. A lot of my friends and I had G.I.G.S. in our 20s and naturally we dated and ran into our share of G.I.G.S. women back in the day.

 

It just surprises how many people who come to this site and have no clue / concept of G.I.G.S. (maybe not the term we use here but the concept / idea of it). For some strange reason there are a lot of people on here who think they will actually marry and be with their High School Sweetheart, their "First Love" or the person they have their first long term relationship with forever.

 

In today's world that very rarely happens and most kids these days get G.I.G.S. (there are varying degrees of it). Didn't most of your friends (guys and girls) around you get dumped / dump their HS Sweetheart when they went away to college to have the "College Experience" (G.I.G.S.) or to go drink, party, sleep around, etc?

 

Hell even your Grandmother knows what G.I.G.S. is (she might call it "Sowing Your Wild Oats" or something else). That is why she tells you to wait before marrying because one or both of you could have it later on.

 

Hmmm. I am not certainly how many people on LS really believe the idea that they will be with their HS sweet-heart forever. Why would they, we be on LS if that were the case, right? Anyway, interesting way of looking at GIGS.

 

Going from one partner to another and experiencing is not how I see GIGS. I believe, I can be wrong, of course, that the circumstances and motivation is important here.

 

If my mission to have as many sexual partners as possible, is this GIGS? If my motivation here is for sexual exploitation w/o regard to whether the next partner is prettier, wealthier, kinder or taller, is this GIGS? Where is the grass is GREENER in this? And is someone like this looking for GREENER pastures?

 

I look at GIGS as a phenomenon in which one actively engages in the seeking out of perceived or actual characteristics he/she feels would be better demonstrated/exhibited in another person, beyond the current partner.

 

Eh, maybe I don't know what I'm talking about, but I like my definition a little better.

[Woggle]

You guys have a view as if it was a fate and it freaking scares me!!!!

 

It's not fate but we have seen this script play our enough times to know how it usually plays out.

[flitzanu]

sweetie, it's simpler than you're making it.

 

1. you want a new boyfriend/fling

2. you don't want to lose your relationship because you enjoy the security

 

3. you can't have both.

[cristiana]

Maybe it's not GIGS and it was just a really bad combination that I had... LDR + lack of sex + wild hormones + lots of parties + hot guys hitting on me + everybody around having free sex...... I mean.... who wouldn't feel tempted... I mean, maybe some wouldn't, but this a very tempting and dangerous combination.

 

Now I'm back home in the peaceful countryside and wondering whether a row of sex sessions with my boyfriend will make me cured from... If they do, then it was not GIGS, but just the outcome of prolongued torture...... Guys pilling up at my door like never before, me thinking about sex 24/7...... ofc it has to drive you crazy at some point!!!!! :bunny:

[flitzanu]

Maybe it's not GIGS and it was just a really bad combination that I had... LDR + lack of sex + wild hormones + lots of parties + hot guys hitting on me + everybody around having free sex...... I mean.... who wouldn't feel tempted... I mean, maybe some wouldn't, but this a very tempting and dangerous combination.

 

Now I'm back home in the peaceful countryside and wondering whether a row of sex sessions with my boyfriend will make me cured from... If they do, then it was not GIGS, but just the outcome of prolongued torture...... Guys pilling up at my door like never before, me thinking about sex 24/7...... ofc it has to drive you crazy at some point!!!!! :bunny:

 

well it's a valid point. i'm proud that as a girl you at least admit your mind is as sexually rampant as a guy's ;p

[cristiana]

Well... epilogue...

1) I got back to my bf. After our short break I could still feel he was feeling insecure. I was totally horny but he rejected me for sex. Even if I understood, it was hard to sleep next to him every day but only have sex no more than twice a week (after such a break... PLUS we were on holidays).

 

2) I started having cybersex with random strangers to feel better psychologically and physically. It did help in that regard. I did try to get rid of GIGS through this method, since I don't think it's cheating (it was skype mutual mastrubation with random strangers and without showing my face... yep that''s how bad my libido was)

 

3) At the end of our holidays I was feeling unfulfilled and things were not right. We got back on LDR and... a guy I had a strong (mental and physical) attraction for... started being after me (he thought i was still on a break and I was already too crazy for him when I told him that I had gotten back together with bf).

 

4) Broke up with bf :(

 

5) Have been seeing the other guy as a ****buddy during the last months. He only wants me as a ****buddy (nothing serious), but he's sweet and caring, even if somewhat distant every now and then. I am theoretically free to be with other ppl if i want (and so is he) but we end up spending most of the nights together (though I've kissed some guys in the meanwhile... and damn it's so good not to feel guilty about it!). I know this relationship isn't going anywhere, but I'm having wild sex all the time (and damn it I had more sex in 2 months than in the last 3 years)... I really like the guy, though I don't think I'd want sth serious with him (he's younger), and I fear that at some point I'll seriously get hurt. I try to concentrate on the fun part of the arrangement, but sometimes it's hard not to get too emotionally involved.

 

6) Do I miss my ex-bf??? A lot. I want to hug and cuddle him, and kiss him, and sit on a bench under a tree with him and just look at the birds and feel connected to him.

 

7) Do I regret my decision to break up? No, because the thoughts of cheating and being with other ppl were getting too strong and out of control. I'b be spoiling a beautiful relationship and all the good memories, and I'd feel like trash at the end.

 

8) Will I be happy in the future? I don't know I want to be emotionally more independente... do not center my life on romance/guys! I want to see the world and live in different places in thenext few years. Also sow my wild oats.

 

9) I do feel that I need a connection as well... I like the guy that I am with and I like that it's open and free. I like that he have sex and cuddle all the time, and that he hugs me while we sleep. But he is also too distant in some ways... Will I be able to enjoy the "benefits" of this loose relationship without being hurt???

 

Well, I just felt like adding to the story. So I didn't manage to get over GIGS (or whatever it was) after all........... ... (or maybe... you never know what's best for you!)

[flitzanu]

just to help you out on one of your points, the guy that is banging you...no you're not going to have a relationship with him, and the fact that you're already feeling anything at all for him means you're going to get hurt.

[Armyguy123]

I have no sympathy for you. Its sad but its like deciding to pull the trigger on a gun than regretting it. You still pulled the trigger....live with your decision as you hurt the others so much because of your indecisive and messed up feelings.

 

Plus playing the field only makes you less attractive because to the guy you left it sends the message of; "I think I can do better than you, get lost, I want to be with other guys, you don't mean anything to me anymore and never will again."

 

Sorry I'm such a pessimist, I'm the guy on the other side than lost my best friend to GIGS out of no where. Lost friends in Afghanistan, seen my friends get cheated on while they were deployed. I don't buy into the whole If its meant to be BS, leaving someone in the dust and starting with a new guy does irreparable damage to trust and feelings. Its been 4 months since I got dumped out of no where from GIGS and I'm still pretty upset on a daily basis.

[Armyguy123]

Maybe it's not GIGS and it was just a really bad combination that I had... LDR + lack of sex + wild hormones + lots of parties + hot guys hitting on me + everybody around having free sex...... I mean.... who wouldn't feel tempted... I mean, maybe some wouldn't, but this a very tempting and dangerous combination.

 

Now I'm back home in the peaceful countryside and wondering whether a row of sex sessions with my boyfriend will make me cured from... If they do, then it was not GIGS, but just the outcome of prolongued torture...... Guys pilling up at my door like never before, me thinking about sex 24/7...... ofc it has to drive you crazy at some point!!!!! :bunny:

 

Its called control and discipline. You seem to have none.

 

I was a popular Fraternity guy in college, in the army, and now I'm a Pilot. I had girls trying to get me to break up with my Ex all the time, and to have sex with me. I declined them every time, its about honor and respect.

 

You seem more concerned about sex than a relationship. You will undoubtedly get hurt by a guy who wants to have sex with other girls in addition to you, and leave you in the dust after hes done with you.

 

When that happens I don't want you to go crying back to your ex about how wrong you were, use him for sex, leave him again.

[cristiana]

Judge me as you want. When you feel that something is wrong and you fight to feel "the right thing" and you still don't feel what you wanted to feel....... it's not worth fighting.

 

I just broke up to be honest to my feelings and to my ex. No, even if I miss him, I'm not going to get back to him because I don't want to play with his feelings.

 

And yeah I might hurt or get hurt. But my main point now is to be free. Not to have greener grass (I don't want a relationship), but to be myself, travel the world, or whatever, without dragging the guilt for having the "wrong feelings and thoughts".

 

I don't really care, about your judgments And I don' feel any sympathy for you either!

[conf]

but to be myself, travel the world, or whatever, without dragging the guilt for having the "wrong feelings and thoughts"

 

I think that this is a GIGS case. You want to mature and learn yourself. Inevitably in your way you will hurt and be hurt. And who knows, maybe in the future you may realize what you have lost or find something that fits better to you.

[Armyguy123]

Judge me as you want. When you feel that something is wrong and you fight to feel "the right thing" and you still don't feel what you wanted to feel....... it's not worth fighting.

 

I just broke up to be honest to my feelings and to my ex. No, even if I miss him, I'm not going to get back to him because I don't want to play with his feelings.

 

And yeah I might hurt or get hurt. But my main point now is to be free. Not to have greener grass (I don't want a relationship), but to be myself, travel the world, or whatever, without dragging the guilt for having the "wrong feelings and thoughts".

 

I don't really care, about your judgments And I don' feel any sympathy for you either!

 

.............the thing is. you are exactly the kind of girl I am attracted too haha. funny how that works.