How do I get what I need from him?

[Lonestar]

For those that don't know me, here's a quick synopsis:

 

Exhusband (X) and I were married for two years, then divorced for two years. We have a 2.5 year old daughter. We had very little contact after the divorce, but when it started up again this summer, there was still loads of physical attraction. I proposed we use each other for sex. This went on at least once a week, and then we fell in love again. There was always a strong chemistry between us. We're 38 & 37 for inquiring minds. We still live apart and I plan on keeping it that way for a long time.

 

So here's the problem. Although things are going real well, some of those old "issues" that drove me insane before are still active, such as his inability to say loving or complimenting things. I need attention from my man, and there's just no way around that. I won't be happy without it. I need my man to tell me I'm beautiful, that he loves me like nothing else, that he misses me when we're apart, how much he loves to hold me or kiss me, etc. ect. That's not too much to ask is it? Well, X can't seem to do that. When I ask him to say something nice, he says he can't at that moment because he's under too much pressure now that I said something. He tells me not to say anything and he'll do it on his own. Then he never (or rarely ever) does.

 

Don't get me wrong. He's very loving. He'll hold me for hours, kiss my forehead, the sex is great, but he can't say much of anything. I'm aware that he's not a man of many words, but I need romantic things said to me, daily if possible. It feeds my heart. I have even gone so far as to tell him that I will not continue a relationship if I'm not getting what I need out of it, so he's aware how important this is to me. Still, he's failing. Is it wrong to expect that someone who loves me should not have to struggle to say something nice. How do I change this? Should I back off some and stop giving him what I'm not getting in return?

[Dakini]

Before I can give you my opinion, I just was wondering about the following:

 

What are you getting from this relationship in its current form?

 

What do you ultimately want from this relationship?

[bluechocolate]

When I ask him to say something nice, he says he can't at that moment because he's under too much pressure now that I said something

 

Surely this is a good thing? He could tell you any old garbage that he thinks you want to hear. Doesn't mean he believes it.

 

Then again, there could be a power play going on here. You want to hear him say something & he will only say it under his own terms.

 

 

Cliche time -

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

He's very loving. He'll hold me for hours, kiss my forehead, the sex is great

 

Could you not interpret these things as physical manifestations of his absent words?

 

You say that he is failing - personally I think that may be too harsh. Failing what? As you also say, he is not a man of many words. So on the one hand you know this about him but expect him to change to essentially feed your ego.

 

but I need romantic things said to me, daily if possible.

 

Could this not be a failing in you?

 

Your discourse must consist of more than just facts? You speak to each other often, he asks how you are, how your day has been, etc. He shows an interest in your life and in your thoughts? Are these not things that tell you he cares about you?

 

In a sense I'm playing devil's advocate here. But I'm also trying to say that there are somethings you cannot change about people and that words are just words - nothing more.

 

Should I back off some and stop giving him what I'm not getting in return?

 

I wouldn't do that. That is playing games & he probably won't make the connection. If it is in your nature to verbally express your affections then I don't think you should change that behaviour.

[Lonestar]

I'm getting a lot from the relationship, love, friendship, good sex, and a chance to put my family back together. My X and I still love each other very much, and we've become good friends again. He's not the perfect man for me, but after being without him, I decided that in many ways, he's what I want and need. I have never felt the way I do with him with any other man, not before him or during the two years we were apart. There's a strong connection between us (part of that would be our daughter).

 

Ultimately, I want a mad passionate marriage that lasts a lifetime. X or not, he's still my husband and always will be in my heart, no matter who I'm with.

[Lonestar]

you're always one to make me think. ;-)

 

Surely this is a good thing? He could tell you any old garbage that he thinks you want to hear. Doesn't mean he believes it.

 

Then again, there could be a power play going on here. You want to hear him say something & he will only say it under his own terms.

 

Cliche time -

 

Actions speak louder than words.

 

 

No, he's not telling me garbage intentionally. He's not that kind of person. He really doesn't do a lot of thinking in that capacity, but he does use power plays, and those aren't intentional either. It's just some weird struggle that goes on inside of him when anyone asks him to do something. For some reason he feels hte need to resist at all costs. It's friggin annoying as hell.

 

Could you not interpret these things as physical manifestations of his absent words?

 

You say that he is failing - personally I think that may be too harsh. Failing what? As you also say, he is not a man of many words. So on the one hand you know this about him but expect him to change to essentially feed your ego.

 

Yes, they are most definitely physical manifestations. He shows his love better with physical affection rather than romantic words, and yes I know this. I know it well, but it's where we've always clashed and clashed hard. I can't agree with you that it's "feeding my ego." That's not what it's all about. It's abour feeling loved. I am a verbal person by nature. I feel incredibly loved when certain things are spoken to me. I can orgasm easier with the right words said during sex than the right touch. It is my nature which is opposite of his.

 

So there must be some happy middle. Why should I give up what my heart needs to give love and to feel loved? Should he not compromise also? and how do we do that? I'm trying to see all sides of this because I want to handle it maturely, but I can't settle for "you know this about him, so deal with it." When we got back together, he knew this about me too. In fact, in the beginning he cracked several jokes about not being able to say things.

 

Thanks, blue

[beautiful]

I am not sure of what it is you need to hear? He is with you!

I think those issues need to be resolved within you not him!

[Lonestar]

Just because someone is with you, doesn't make everything they do (or don't do) okay. I'm trying to figure out how to solve a past problem before it causes a present one. This is where we clash. I am a verbal person and he is not. Are you saying I should give up what I need completely just because he is with me? Honey, I'm not that hard up.

 

There is nothing wrong with me needing certain things from a man, and there's nothing wrong with me expressing what I need. If your guy NEVER complimented you, and rarely said nice things to you, including only telling you he loves you after you say it, you'd be okay with that as long as he was "with you?"

 

sigh

[bluechocolate]

So there must be some happy middle.

 

I would agree with you there.

 

What if you were to make a teasing little game out of it? Like when you want to hear him say "I love you", tell him you want to hear it & then tease him gently until he does so. Nothing demanding or aggressive, just like if you were chiding a small child to tell you something. He says what you want to hear, then you hug, you feel better & perhaps he figures out (eventually) that these aren't such difficult things to say.

 

Some men have a real problem with verbally expressing their emotions, especially emotions which make them feel vulnerable, but it gets easier with practice!

[Lonestar]

Some men have a real problem with verbally expressing their emotions, especially emotions which make them feel vulnerable

 

Excellent point, blue, but why is this? Do you know? Does anyone know why there is this extreme difference between men and women, and how to approach it? Are there any good books on this subject? I want to understand it, instead of being a hard ass about it like I would have done 10 years ago.

 

For all those readers out there, post me a list of books that focus on the differences between men and women and how to deal with it. TIA

[Weird]

sorry babe but I think you're being selfish here and the problem isn't him but is you.

 

The guy shows you how much you mean to him with his actions. You yourself said he isn't a man of mnay words so why get pissed that he acts the way you know he will?

 

I just don't get why you need a guy to constantly remind you of his love for you and such. A confidence issue? Why do you need someone to tell you you're beautiful every day when it is obvious he thinks you are?

 

Oh and pressuring the guy to say this stuff isn't going to get him to do it. I totally see his POV when he says he won't if you are forcing him to.

 

You are a cool person, I respect all the advice you give and again, I think you're a good person...but really, you are acting more like a 13 year old rather than a 37/38 year old with this issue you have. Would you consider breaking up with this guy (again) just because he doesnt feed your ego every day through words?

[Lonestar]

this is where the difference lies between men and women sometimes. I think it's pretty damn mature of me to be posting this here and asking for advice instead of reacting, so enough with the 13-year old stabs, okay?

 

I'm not pissed off at him in the slightest, but it is annoying to "me" that he doesn't say anything, and like I said in a previous post, yes I knew what he was like, but he also knows what I'm like and what I need. We got back together on even ground, so I have every right to ask for what I need and so does he.

 

I have already made many changes for him which I knew I'd have to make if we were to get back together. Some things I've changed because they were necessary and other things I've changed just to PLEASE him. That includes some exploration of sex that I'd never thought I'd consider. I've learned to open my mind to make him happy, which in turn makes me happy, which makes the world go round for us, and the sex better than ever. I'll do most anything for this man, but I expect the same in return, and if all I'm asking for is a little love in verbal form, the world does not have to come to an end and those needs of mine can and should be met.

 

So I'm being selfish, eh? You're reading all the negative in my post and disecting it to make me look selfish as ilovehertodeath usually does with every female post. I'm not in the mood for that crap. No, I don't need a guy to constantly remind me of his love for me, and it has nothing to do with confidence. I've got nothing hurting me in the looks department, trust me. So what is wrong with wanting a guy (my guy) to say a few loving things to me on a daily basis - or a few times a week if daily is over the top. Whether you like it or not, Weird, most women want and need those things. I know a lot of men who need it too, but the thing is, women usually give it without being asked.

 

I get compliments daily from strangers, why not from the guy I love? If you were my boyrfriend, Weird, I'd be pumping up your ego all the time. Why? Because not only would I want to tell you how much I loved you, but I'd want you to know WHY I loved you, and you would love every minute of it because when someone you love says nice things to you, it warms up that heart of yours and gets the blood flowing in important places. Maybe that's just the way I work, but I have been with guys in the past that worked the same way. I guess I'm in the minority here.

 

I would only break up with him if I found that he was being selfish and putting his own needs above mine, not because of something that could potentially be fixed. But I also won't stay in a relationship that doesn't make me happy. In that case, I'd rather marry someone for money and be unhappy. At least the bucks are there for my entertainment.

[Guest]

My boyfriend didn't use to be very complimentary at all, and he didn't use to say he loved me very much, even though he showed it. The more I tried to wheedle for him, the more I clung to him, the more I wanted him to do and say those things, the less he did. When I gained more true confidence (not the kind that comes from knowing that other men want you, but the kind that comes from knowing that it doesn't matter and that you love yourself), I stopped asking him for those things. I started complimenting myself, backing off from him a bit, telling him I loved him but then not getting upset if he didn't say it back, and as I got "cooler" and more laid back, he started coming around. Self respect is a beautiful thing, and men respond to it.

[SoleMate]

Please check out http://www.marriagebuilders.com. It addresses this situation exactly. Dr. Harley's view is that a desire such as yours, for spoken expressions of love and appreciation, is an essential emotional requirement for you, and if your husband/BF can fulfill it, you will both be very happy. Clearly this does not come easy to your X/H, but if he is willing, he can learn. Here is an excerpt: read the full deal at http://www.marriagebuilders.com/graphic/mbi5010_qa.html

 

"Whenever I counsel a man who is not very affectionate, I give him a list of things to do every day (I usually make up the list with his wife who tells me what to include). He must do each of them and check them off the list as he does it.

 

" 1. Hug and kiss your wife and tell her you love her every morning while you're still in bed. Rub her back for a few minutes before you get up.

 

" 2. Tell her that you love her while you are having breakfast together.

 

" 3. Kiss her and tell her you love her before you leave for work...."

 

And bravo to you for being open and honest about this need. I totally disagree with many other posters, who say that this is a weakness or defect in you. You're being very clear about what you need. If you and your X/H both start giving each other what is really craved, you will become delirious with happiness. Good luck!

[UnicornGirl]

Originally posted by Lonestar

Excellent point, blue, but why is this? Do you know? Does anyone know why there is this extreme difference between men and women, and how to approach it? Are there any good books on this subject? I want to understand it, instead of being a hard ass about it like I would have done 10 years ago.

 

For all those readers out there, post me a list of books that focus on the differences between men and women and how to deal with it. TIA

 

check out "men are from mars, women are from venus." it sounds cheesy, but it explained a LOT to me. a lot.

[Mary3]

Maybe he doesn't love you.

[Rayne84]

I agree with Solemate...also have you ever read The 5 Love Languages? It's a long the same vein. Some people simply have different ways of expressing their love, and have different needs when it comes to feeling love. You would be what the book calls "Words of Affirmation." I think it is all very interesting, and very very true.

 

Good luck.