He was texting a female coworker, should I end it?

[confused_gf]

Hi everyone,

 

I've been seeing this guy for three months. We met at work. At first I really didn't want to be in a relationship because I was still healing from a previous breakup, but I saw so much in this new guy that I decided the risk was worth it.

 

We've dealt with a lot of things since then and technically we've only been "official" for a few weeks now. First of all, I lost my job over him. We worked in a very unprofessional environment together. The company was mainly young immature people and the dynamic was very high school, a lot of drama and gossip going on. When my bf started showing me more attention the whole company took notice and started talking about it. There was so much drama around us that I was fired over it even though I was a good worker and our relationship was pretty innocent at that point.

 

After getting fired I was feeling pretty low about our situation, but he convinced me to stay, so we made it work. I got unemployment and started working on building a new career and he stayed behind at our old job which kind of worried me anyway knowing all the shady things that go on there (and the jealous women who tried to throw themselves at him while we were clearly together).

 

After that incident as time went on I still was feeling somewhat unhappy in the relationship. I would have him over for dinner and sure we would have a great time, but I just felt like there was an imbalance in our relationship and it felt like I was giving more than I was getting. Three months in and he had never arranged a date for us until I brought it up. I've been letting him stay at my place because he has his internship with local concert venues and the public transportation system stops running late at night. One day he called me up saying a buddy of his got him into a concert for free and could he come over to my place after at 3AM. I expressed some interest in going and I waited for him to say that he wanted me to come and hoped that he might pick up my ticket considering I am unemployed, but he didn't. This led to a whole other conversation about me feeling like sometimes he can be very self-centered and take advantage of my kindness. We've been working on that and it seems like he is trying to give more in the relationship, which I appreciate.

 

Now trust issues are on the table and I am feeling very hurt. Not to long ago I was helping him scan some artwork at my house. He was flipping through my photos looking for the artwork. I have a lot of random crap on my computer and I didn't feel totally comfortable with him looking through all my personal pictures. I asked to see my computer and have a little privacy while I searched for the photo. Sure enough I came across a nude picture I had taken of myself just because I was bored. I looked over and saw that he was still staring over my shoulder even though I asked him for privacy. I was very embarrassed because I didn't intend for anyone to see that picture. He was clearly upset and asking me who the picture was for. I told him the truth: no one. I even told him that I thought of sending him one but didn't because I didn't want it floating around anywhere. It was a very awkward moment, and I can understand his concern, but it left me feeling very embarrassed and a little suspicious because it seems like he is very untrusting even though I've been 100% dedicated to him.

 

 

The next weekend I am at his house browsing the internet on his phone. I have this nagging feeling like I want to go through it even though I know I shouldn't. I open his texts and see a conversation going between him and a female coworker, who he had told me he was talking with and getting rides with. I saw that she texted him the night he went to the show alone and saying how she wasn't going to some other show that night. It seemed pretty harmless. I started feeling bothered when I came across a string of funny pictures he sent her. When I worked with him we would always send each other funny gif pictures and I kind of felt like it was "our thing" or one of the things that made us closer. In the convo I saw that he had sent her pretty much most of the same pictures he had and was sending me, even some that I had sent him. She sent him a picture back and he responded "That is the best response ever." Then I saw another text from her saying "don't stalk me!" I started having a very emotional reaction and wanting to leave his house before it got the best of me, but he made me stay and we tried to talk things out.

 

Its not like I found anything really lovey-dovey in the conversations but it hurt me because it seemed like he was trying the same tactic on a different girl. Since I've been involved with him, I haven't really felt a need to befriend any other guys. In fact, I didn't hang out with my EX (who is a really nice guy/good friend) because I didn't want to make my current bf upset. Then I find these texts and I just felt very devastated to see him approach another female like that. Up until I saw that I didn't really have a problem with them talking at work or him getting rides with her, even though I know she is very nice and pretty.

 

At this point I would like to say that I "mature" enough to let this go and trust this person, but how would he feel if he were in my shoes? Lost his job over me, I'm still working in an environment surrounded by young guys, I have all their numbers, and one I'm sending funny pictures to and texting late at night while I'm at a concert by myself.

 

I would like some other advice and input. Like I said, I didn't find anything overtly romantic but I almost feel like it is emotional cheating, and I'm not sure if I can get over it and truly trust him. Doesn't help that I already have some trust issues from my last relationship....

 

Thoughts?

[Simon Phoenix]

You really shouldn't snoop through other people's phones. That's a breach of trust. So I guess you guys are even. Maybe you aren't ready to be in a relationship with him (or anyone else) if you have trust issues that compel you to spy on people.

[TG1]

You really shouldn't snoop through other people's phones. That's a breach of trust. So I guess you guys are even. Maybe you aren't ready to be in a relationship with him (or anyone else) if you have trust issues that compel you to spy on people.

 

Yes I agree, bad move on your part

[confused_gf]

Honestly, the only reason I did it was because I had this very bad feeling after he accused me of cheating on him that day. I also knew that before that point he had gone through pictures on my phone, my computer, one day I even came into my room and he somehow found my journal and was reading it. All that culminated when he looked over my shoulder and saw that picture I took.

 

It triggered something in me because it reminded me of my father. He would constantly go through my things, my computer, and never give me any privacy but the truth was that HE was a womanizer and cheated on my mom and his past wife who just divorced him. Can I say that I was being rational or that my actions were justified? No. But I did it and I saw what I saw. I can honestly say that if everything had been great until now I probably wouldn't have felt the need to cross that line. Even reading these responses two days later I still feel very upset knowing that my BF basically has me on mailing list with another girl who he interacts with everyday.

[confused_gf]

He also agrees that he has damaged my trust by doing so. Maybe I'm crazy, but I don't see why you would be interacting with someone on that level unless you are interested in them. And we've only been together three months if that, why does he feel the need to entertain other girls ? To boost his own ego? If that is the case then count me out. I feel like I've dealt with enough for him, to find out he is shamelessly flirting with someone in my old workplace is like a knife in the heart.

[Babolat]

Lots of red flags here..too many to list. I walk walk away from this one.

[TG1]

Lots of red flags here..too many to list. I walk walk away from this one.

 

But at the end of the day you gotta do what you gotta do but then again you will probably end up missing him even more should you guys break up

[confused_gf]

At this point I told him I need to take a break. My trust has been totally shattered, to be honest. If I'm being truthful with myself I don't trust him. I'm not sure what to take from that or do about it. My birthday is the Saturday and I was looking forward to spending it with him but now I'm just at a loss. I don't even know when I will speak to him again.

[freetolove]

this guy sounds like a total loser. he's still bumming rides from co workers and staying out til 3am. that's a little boy not a man.