Am I in denial?

[dallet66]

I guess this is an introduction and asking for help together. Excuse the typos please. My husband moved out 2 weeks ago, finally. This has been a long time in coming. I'll do the "brief" history. We married 19 years ago, because I was pregnant with our oldest. I didn't always realize this, but he continued to be in love with his "first crush" and resented me for being pregnant and the decision he felt forced to make. He felt this way for years apparently, never loving me. I guess I was in denial all that time. He always said "I love you" in the normal way. I knew he had contact with her through emails once that became a more normal communication method. We lived in a different state. The communication was intermittent, but I was upset every time I found out, even if the emails were benign. Fast forward. Well, he says was 5 or so years ago, he decided that he loved me after all, and wanted to make a future for us to spend our lives together.

 

About this time, I went back to school to begin my studies for nursing school. At some point in time, I stopped loving him. How long can you be in an emotionally abusive, unloved relationship before you turn off? Our relationship basically sucked the last few years. I was totally uninterested in sex with him. Even began to find the idea repulsive. Guilt and abusive comments are likely all that made me have sex with him. He had text conversations with other ex-girlfriends during that time. One even text sexing him. He would put me and the relationship down in this messages. I guess I deserved it, I really didn't like him. He said I used him during this time to help me get through school and support our three kids. I always arranged my schedule to try and inconvenience him and everyone else as little as possible.

 

About 2 years ago we decided to get divorced. I was starting my last quarter of school, worse timing ever. I talked him out of it, selfish of me. I graduated, got a job. This was the first time I'd work for 15ish years, since I'd been a stay at home mom and later student all that time.

Once I got a job, I tried very hard to make sure my work shifts interfered with his job and kids school as little as possible. Working on call and refusing shifts that he didn't want me to work. I decided I wanted a divorce, again, a year ago. I didn't love him, at times didn't like him, and felt like we would never have anything in common.

 

So, he was awful about the whole thing. I had used him all these years, he told me. Now that I had a job and some means of supporting myself, I wanted out. Last part maybe true, first part obviously not. During that time he joined match.com. My kids were devastated. Cried all the time. I changed my mind, we said again we'd try to work it out.

 

Months went by, nothing got better. Things were always my fault since I was supposed to make it all fixed, be in charge. Little did I know, he continued to have intermittent contact with women through match.com. Last October he had a sleazy one night stand with one of them. I was devastated, he was too. I couldn't kick him out for some reason. Initially he was so upset I worried he'd hurt himself. Then, probably out of jealousy, I decided I loved him and wanted counseling. (wow this is long, but 19 years of marriage is hard to condense). Skimming several months, I tried to find counselor, asking around, getting recommendations. He had started seeing a counselor of his own after the affair. The ones I talked to said it would work if we were really committed to making it work. That was the crux.

I really did try, but it just wasn't there. I knew I still didn't love him and I KNEW I would never be able to trust him again. He told me I was going dead inside, numb with nothing holding interest. Probably true. He said I should see someone, so I did. She helped me work through things, giving input. Much to his surprise, 6 weeks in to counseling I told him I wanted a divorce, for real this time. No matter how mean, or alternatively nice, he got, I stuck to my guns. I knew I would never be happy. I felt I deserved happiness. I felt my kids were in a poor environment with unhappy parents. This was mid April. I insisted this time we not tell them till he had a place to live and papers were filed, he agreed. Of course, he immediately started talking to other women again, if he'd ever stopped, but that's all a long history anyway. Finally he had a place, papers filed mid or early May, can't recall. We changed our minds and decided to wait till our middle daughter was done with finals. We didn't want to affect college future out of selfishness. Finally, we told them and he moved out three days later.

 

Despite how long that story is, it obviously leaves out huge chunks. He's piled on guilt galore since I made the decision. He's completely incapable of making his own life choice. I had to help him with finding a place, furniture, linens, basic necessities, everything. He'd written less than a handful of checks during our marriage. He knew how to do nothing, and the whole thing was, after all, my fault so I owed it to him to do everything.

 

Etc, Etc. Anyway, I do alternate grief over the death of our marriage. But 95% of the time its relief. The kids are upset, but overall not so much as could be. They are 18, 15 and 10. I feel like I disconnected a long time ago. And with the decision being made 2 and a half months ago, I kind of feel like we started being separated then. Is it weird that I don't feel like I'm in shock? That I feel minimal upset. More a sense of freedom. I've made choices about taking care of the house and such, without the indecisiveness of him. Things are actually getting done around here that needed doing. I'm happy, but feel guilty to be that way. I'm so confused. Should I feel like our divorce started 2 weeks ago? In some ways it started a year ago. In every way 2 and a half months ago (except paperwork, 6 weeks).

 

I've rambled on and on. I don't even know what I'm asking, lol. I guess, am I abnormal? Am I in denial for being happy and ready to have new experiences in life?

I don't know, thanks for any input!

[BC1980]

You have nothing to be ashamed of. You have been with a man for many years who said he did not love you. That is unfair to you that he married you under what I would say are false pretenses of loving you and wanting a life with you. You deserve to find a man who does love you the way you need to be loved, or you might just like being single for awhile.

[elfman]

Hello,

 

Sorry to hear you're going through this... It is hard, perhaps, for men to relate to how a woman feels during a long marriage, but what I can say for certain is that NOONE deserves to be unhappy... if the ultimate goal of a marriage is to make both parties happy, and if one isnt (in your case I bet the two of you are unhappy, otherwise he would not cheat), then the marriage is just a charade... The problem here is that that mask ends up eating up our lives, our time, which is limited and the most valuable commodity we have.

 

Do you want to wait another 19 years before you decide to be happy? Does he? Do you really think staying together is doing your kids ANY good under the circumstances... those are the questions to ask yourself... I know my kids automatically got better when I moved out and we divorced, but that was accomplished by me being 100% there for them, and it turns out that simple math did the trick here... Before, they had 100% of a dad worth nothing because of emotional stress and insecurities. Today, they have 50% of a dad worth everything (considering they dont live with me, its actually more like 80% because I am truly dedicated to them).

 

Staying married because of the kids is a mistake, a bad one. Hope everything works out for you, and no, you are not abnormal, if anything, your line of thought is a little off because of this whole thing, that will change for the better.

 

Take care

E

[grassisorisntgreener]

It sounds like for the greater part of your 19 years together, you were grieving your relationship...so now that you are out, maybe you are just really "done"...and the tears have already been shed.

 

He also sounds like just an extra kid, can't even write a check or make a decision? I'd feel relief too! Good luck!