Living at home/Moving out

[Art_Critic]

Looking to change that within the next year!

 

You could rent a place and be moved out in less than 30 days, you said you have a good job and money saved.

 

COMFORT. It basically comes down to that, lol. Been in my safe bubble for far too long.

 

If you choose to stay then you can't complain that you don't have other fruits of growing up and moving out that living with Mom and Dad can't give you.

 

When you are 40 and living with your parents they will be aging and you will be thinking that you will be there at 50 as they need someone to take care of them.. if that is what you want then continue on that path, if it isn't however then you need to change your path.

 

Either way.. good luck.. I don't think there is a truly wrong path.. we all make choices that our lives want to follow.

[pink_sugar]

 

 

My mom is very "Asian mom paranoid." She is an extremist in terms of her negative thought life. She doesn't want me going to theatres because she fears a Dark Knight Rises shooting. Or she fears there's a needle placed on the seat I'll sit in.

 

When my car got stolen and we got it back, she was scared the wheel was covered with anthrax. She was also scared the car would blow up if I put the key in the ignition.

 

Of course, despite these fears, I still make my own decisions, and don't let her discouraging me stop me from doing these things.

 

My mom is the typical hardcore worry Asian mom.

 

Only when I told her I was seriously thinking about moving out has she backed off on the negativity.

 

 

 

Els, it is definitely a funky family dynamic. My uncle's family is even weirder than my family. I have wrote about my cousin before on LS. He's 25 and very inept. Still floundering around in college not really making a dent. Got his driver's license at age 22. Never kissed, never had a girlfriend never had a job! He's living at home and his parents have trained him to stay at home until he'll be 33 probably.

 

 

You really need to leave that situation asap. Your mom is hindering your ability to become independent. I know some very independent people who are 25 with no license and have been on their own with roommates. I got my license at 22, so what? I was at least feeding myself and doing my laundry long before 18.

Edited July 4, 2013 by pink_sugar

[Teknoe]

I know some very independent people who are 25 with no license and have been on their own with roommates. I got my license at 22, so what? I was at least feeding myself and doing my laundry long before 18.

 

 

My cousin is not independent in the least. I see him living at home well into his 30s, unless he shapes up in the next couple years.

[camillalev]

Teknoe, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about when it comes to the crazy asian mom aspect. My mom is like that as well. Though she never worried about needles in my seat or me going to the movies, she was constantly nagging and overbearing, typical asian mom. Why are they like that? You'd think in a culture where hard work and achievement were so highly valued independence would be as well.

 

Regardless, I have to say, being able to wash your dishes isn't 'independance'. Independance is being able to come and go as you please, handle yourself, solve problems as they arise and do things for yourself or by yourself and have confidence. If your faucet springs a leak, instead of calling your parents you call your super. If your laptop breaks down, take it to the store. If youve had a hard week at work, have a beer and watch tv, by yourself or with buds(without having to worry about parents). It's a mindset and an attitude, that you handle anything that comes your way. Your parents and friends will always be there for you, but you need to be prepared to face everyday problems autonomously, without them as a crutch.

 

Trust me, sometimes i barely remember how to do laundry, I've been doing it myself for years! I still have to google how to wash certain items!

 

You don't need to 'know how to cook' to live alone. I know many males who consider making a bowl of cereal cooking. If you want to learn how to properly cook, you don't need to live at home to do it. If anything, if your mom is how you describe her, it will actually be a hindrance. I've offered to cook my parents dinner, a french dish I learned by myself, and while I was cooking my mom was buzzing around the kitchen trying to 'help' me(nagging)! Basically trying to do the cooking for me - a dish she has no idea how to make! And I'm in my late 20's. Point is - she will try to do everything for you. She's backed down now, but she wont be like this forever.

 

Asian parents never learn boundaries, you will not be able to establish yourself fully while living with them.

Edited July 4, 2013 by camillalev

[pink_sugar]

OP, I am assuming you are of asian descent? My dad is white and acted like an asian parent in the aspect that he forced me to do summer school even when I had a passing grade in class. It sounds like your cousin is a bum. I'm merely pointing out that you don't necessarily need to have a license right away to be independent. I had my first job at 16 and moved out on my own at 18.

Edited July 4, 2013 by pink_sugar

[Teknoe]

Teknoe, I know EXACTLY what you are talking about when it comes to the crazy asian mom aspect. My mom is like that as well. Though she never worried about needles in my seat or me going to the movies, she was constantly nagging and overbearing, typical asian mom. Why are they like that? You'd think in a culture where hard work and achievement were so highly valued independence would be as well.

 

Regardless, I have to say, being able to wash your dishes isn't 'independance'. Independance is being able to come and go as you please, handle yourself, solve problems as they arise and do things for yourself or by yourself and have confidence. If your faucet springs a leak, instead of calling your parents you call your super. If your laptop breaks down, take it to the store. If youve had a hard week at work, have a beer and watch tv, by yourself or with buds(without having to worry about parents). It's a mindset and an attitude, that you handle anything that comes your way. Your parents and friends will always be there for you, but you need to be prepared to face everyday problems autonomously, without them as a crutch.

 

Trust me, sometimes i barely remember how to do laundry, I've been doing it myself for years! I still have to google how to wash certain items!

 

You don't need to 'know how to cook' to live alone. I know many males who consider making a bowl of cereal cooking. If you want to learn how to properly cook, you don't need to live at home to do it. If anything, if your mom is how you describe her, it will actually be a hindrance. I've offered to cook my parents dinner, a french dish I learned by myself, and while I was cooking my mom was buzzing around the kitchen trying to 'help' me(nagging)! Basically trying to do the cooking for me - a dish she has no idea how to make! And I'm in my late 20's. Point is - she will try to do everything for you. She's backed down now, but she wont be like this forever.

 

Asian parents never learn boundaries, you will not be able to establish yourself fully while living with them.

 

True, huh!

 

Great points. Yeah, I'm just not used to calling friends over, because of my parents. Matter of fact, I don't really have an active social life, other than going to church or going out with church friends. I see no need to call people over, because well, not many know I live at home and it would be embarrassing. There have also been times where I could have invited girl friends home, but of course I didn't since I don't live on my own.

 

Little things like that add up I guess, and affect who we are as people. Independence is more than washing dishes and doing laundry I agree... it's also about functioning on your own away from your parents.

 

Your post gave me some more to chew on. My old best friend just sent me this text today:

 

"Actually I want to see about getting a condo somewhere. I think I can save enough for a down payment in a year. What do you think?"

 

Is he talking about owning a condo? How much do they cost? I've heard that for single guys, owning a condo makes more sense than renting an apartment, since you'd have an asset and something more than just "throwing money down the well."

 

Maybe I can save up for a year and put enough for a down payment on a condo next year, myself?

 

Then I can invite friends over, reinvent my social life, have the confidence to bring girls over, talk to more girls, etc.

 

I also know if I move out, my relationship with my mom will improve. Then maybe when we do see each other, it'll be more quality time as opposed to her nag, nag, nag. I think living on my own will naturally increase my confidence/game.

[It-is-what-it-is.]

Maybe I can save up for a year and put enough for a down payment on a condo next year, myself?

 

It is a really good idea to make a plan on how you can live, support yourself within your means. Take the next year to pay off your credit card, and save all your money. Start looking at condos. Maybe get a part time job to bring in more $.

 

Being responsible is "doing what needs to be done" without someone asking. So mowing the lawn, vacuuming, laundry, dishes whatever. You should just do it if it needs doing. If mom or dad object then tell them you need to learn to take care of yourself cause they cannot always take care of you. You can learn anything on YouTube.

 

The confidence you will get by entering the adult zone will indeed help your social life. Good luck.

[TaxAHCruel]

I feel really inadequate, and stuck in adolescence because of still living at home and far too often letting my parents take care of me. This is something I need to aim to fix. It's basically a failure to launch (like the movie). It's probably why I'm still single. I just have no confidence in myself as a man.

 

It is amazing how easy it is to become locked in this kind of spiral thinking too. As a species it seems we all too easily judge ourselves by our past and convince ourselves we are a failures - or are no good.

 

And then we use these feelings as self-justification for not changing our lot in life or improving ourselves. A kind of "I never did good so why start now".

 

We also - as you did a bit in your OP - find ourselves comparing ourselves to others. "Oh X left home by 21 and here I am at home at 35 so why bother now?" or "Look how successful X is by age 30 - and I have hardly got anywhere - so why bother trying?".

 

I was locked in that circle for a long time myself and one day I broke out of it with no small effort of will. I basically decided I had enough of comparing my lazy ass couch potato life to the lives of others. I had enough of comparing my potential futures to the precedents of the past.

 

Instead I adopted a new philosophy on life which was that I was going to compare the person I am today with nothing at all except the person I was yesterday. My goal each day was to improve upon the person from the day before in some small way. Tiny increments. Be it physically, mentally, socially, morally, education, skills - it did not matter. Each day I had to improve SOMETHING small on the day before - and if possible several somethings. But always at least one.

 

And I am much happier for it. Every day is a success and a good feeling because every day I can do a tiny bit on the day before. I went from being a couch potato with barely passing grades in university to having a good job - a house - a life - a varied and deep education - hobbies - a healthy life style full of good eating, cooking, growing my own food, exercise and more - and a wonderful relationship with not one but two girls who I live with and have the first of 4 planned children with.

 

It sounds like you too are on the cusp of saying "Enough" of this spiral of self recrimination and wallowing and intend to break out and make changes. I say go for it - and do so judging yourself by your own goals for the future - not your achievements in the past or that of anyone else around you.

[SuperGeek]

No wonder you're still living there. Your whole family is guilt tripping you for even thinking of leaving. You need to do what is best for you. It is YOUR life not theirs.

 

Mate, you aren't going to get a girl living with your mom.

 

Life is passing you by. Get out and live your life before it's gone.

 

Why does your Mom think you'll get hurt by moving out? If my mom said that to me I'd be seriously annoyed.

 

Go re-read your posts and see the toll it's taken on your mental well being. You know what you have to do. So just do it.

 

Besides, you can't have kitchen sex living with your Mom...

 

 

Dad: "Seriously? Son, please stay"

 

Bro: "You snapped. But think of the costs"

 

Mom: "Please don't go! I don't want you to get hurt"

 

Edited July 5, 2013 by SuperGeek

[Els]

"Actually I want to see about getting a condo somewhere. I think I can save enough for a down payment in a year. What do you think?"

 

Is he talking about owning a condo? How much do they cost? I've heard that for single guys, owning a condo makes more sense than renting an apartment, since you'd have an asset and something more than just "throwing money down the well."

 

Maybe I can save up for a year and put enough for a down payment on a condo next year, myself?

 

Yep, if folks are talking about downpayment, they usually mean they're buying the property.

 

Owning definitely makes more fiscal sense than renting if you can afford the down payment. The monthly payment can be approximately equal given a good housing loan, but you end up with an asset after the several years are up.

 

HOWEVER. Given what you've said about your life experience so far, I would go out on a limb and say you really should rent for, at least, a couple of years, before buying. Besides the lack of independence and real world experience, you don't know anything about property types, insurance, banking, utilities, etc - the real estate agents are going to eat you alive if you're unlucky. And a housing investment is a HUGE one, that you want to be equipped to make. I've rented for a few years now, have inspected properties, talked to rental agencies, done research, etc. And I'm still not sure if I have the confidence to buy yet. But I definitely know much more now than I did when I was fresh out of the college dorms.

 

So, probably rent first, then buy later.

Edited July 5, 2013 by Elswyth

[violetsareviolet]

by moving out, the money you spend will be invested in the future, mature self. you've realized all the problems, now it's time to act on them. use all of your saved money and buy a condo/small house...start your new life asap.

 

I know your future self likes this idea.

 

perhaps broaden your social spectrum and join some other groups outside of your religion. sports teams, craft groups, cooking classes...somewhere else to meet truly different and inspiring people.

 

you can be a beautifully spiritual person without setting foot inside a church

[FitChick]

If you think it's embarrassing now to have a woman visit, wait until you are a forty year old virgin. No woman will want to touch you. You will be seen as creepy. Your parents want to you continue living there and "honoring" them into their old age. Chinese people are supposed to take care of their parents when they are old. Well, maybe you could find a woman just like you -- old virgin who never left home, expected to take care of her parents until they die. Both families could move in together. Problem solved!

 

Some things money can't buy, like freedom.

[HokeyReligions]

I haven't rwad your entire thread but my goodness! It is NOT a waste to pay rent. If you really feel like this contact a realtor, go over your budget and look for a rent-to-own property. That way your rent goes toward owning. Its a big step because there is even more responsibility but if its the only way to get past that feeling of waste its worth it.

 

I'm not a fan of condos but that may e an option. You pay mor because building maintenance and yard care is taken out but you do build some equity.

 

Get a small place. Your parents will be happy for you. I can almost guarantee they would rather you be independent than have an extra $300 a month. As a parent the goal was always to raise adults who can be independent.

[Els]

Get a small place. Your parents will be happy for you. I can almost guarantee they would rather you be independent than have an extra $300 a month. As a parent the goal was always to raise adults who can be independent.

 

Not his parents, no... Did you read their response when he said he'd move out? And that they've been doing his laundry, dishes, and cooking for 30 years?

 

That would be all the more reason to move out, though. So I agree with you in general, just not this bit.

[Teknoe]

Not his parents, no... Did you read their response when he said he'd move out? And that they've been doing his laundry, dishes, and cooking for 30 years?

 

That would be all the more reason to move out, though. So I agree with you in general, just not this bit.

 

I think it's a case of they say one thing, but the opposite will happen if I move out. They will be proud of me. They just don't believe that they can be. But then you do it and it happens. One of those things.

 

Bottom line, I agree that I need to experience living away from my parents. Giving myself a July 2014 deadline.

[pink_sugar]

Why wait a year? You'll be 31. Move out asap!

[Teknoe]

Why wait a year? You'll be 31. Move out asap!

 

I'll actually still be 30 in a year's time

 

Why wait? I think I've already cited some legitimate reasons why

[SJC2008]

I'm 31 and live at my moms house. I try to rationalize it by saying that we have different shcedulues and really only see eachother in passing which is 100% true. I wash my own clothes and have my own bills. I was contributing but haven't been lately due to $$ reasons. Also, I net about $1200 a month and have about $320 a month in bills. So that leaves $880 minus rent, gas and food and an expensive smokinghabit. I'd pretty much be broke if I moved out and if I did it would obviously be a roommate siutaion so how much "better" would that really be? I'll have the same privacy I essentially do now which is not much. I'm speaking of privacy in the context of dating. Sure it would of been OK for me to bring women over to the last place I lived but I don't like having sex when the next person in the room can hear you and I didn't like it when I heard my roommates having sex. I want my OWN place! TBS the thought that there may be a deeper issue holding me back crossed my mind and I think there is.

[Teknoe]

Hey everyone, just a quick update. After the gung-ho attitude of "I gotta move out now to become a full grown adult" has died down a bit due to school job starting back up again (which means less idle time to think about various things), I have decided screw what other people think -- it just doesn't make sense for me to move out NOW. I am saving up to buy a condo, and today at work actually someone asked me what my current living arrangement is. It was random, but I said "Living at home right now but saving up for a condo" and for the first time I can remember in the last 5 years, I wasn't scared or embarrassed to say to someone I live at home. I got a plan after all, and right now, expenses are so high it's not uncommon for people to be living at home.

 

Funny thing is, when I said it with confidence and conviction, I didn't feel like anyone looked down on me at all. I felt like they understood, and even applauded my decision to save up to eventually own a condo.

 

I guess it really starts from within, and how you carry yourself. I am trying to adopt a more assertive and carefree approach to life. If you don't like what ya see, OH WELL!

[Teknoe]

You could move to FL and get another roommate your own age. You could pretty much live in luxury for about $500 a month. Only $200 more than you pay now. Plus there is no income tax here $$

 

I could, except work is here and I love work. I see you replied to my new work thread in same forum, so I'm sure you can understand what I'm talking about.

 

Stay where the grass you know is green, and save up.

[Teknoe]

The saying is the grass is always greener on the other side of the fence.

 

I know, I flipped it a bit. I'm saying I already feel like where I work is green, if not greener than what else may lay out there. That's how good it is right now, brother

[Els]

Tek, how have things been going with your plans for doing your own housework and paying your own bills while living at home? Have you started doing your own laundry yet?

[Eve]

Cultural considerations aside as I cannot comment, you should have your own place by now. The space between 25 and 40 is so short that it's not even funny. Seriously.

 

Be grateful you have some savings and let your parents move on into their next phase of life. You are over staying so much that you could be a burden to a future wife.

 

Take care,

Eve x

[thefooloftheyear]

You gotta GTFO...Simple as that...You need to do this as a man. Its already too late...

 

This is what kills a lot of people later in life..If you dont start early, you will NOT have the desire or energy to do it later..Meaning, if you want to buy a house, or settle down and have a family..if you start, say, in your late 30's you'll potentially be paying a mortgage well into your 70's..

 

I started young and owned everything in my life outright by the time I was 42..And I am talking big ticket stuff..Sure, I was carrying a mortgage early on, but it was on an average house that was about the same money as renting.

 

Do it now..tomorrow is too late...

 

I also agree with Els...How does a guy of that age not know how to cook, clean, or wash his clothes.? No Good!

 

TFY

[Eve]

A burden to a future wife... yeah right.

 

Have you had a wife before? You don't seem the type.

 

Take care,

Eve x