Wife-with-OM / mind-movies making reconciliation hard

[WalkTheEarth]

My first thread about my situation can be found here:

http://www.loveshack.org/forums/breaking-up-reconciliation-coping/separation-divorce/387377-how-can-i-get-my-wife-back

(thanks to all, especially radu, who posted and helped me)

 

Quick recap is that my wife wanted a separation last September. I moved out, continued to come back at weekends to see our kids and then discovered she'd been seeing her OM for longer than I thought.

This has been now going on, with brief periods of inactivity between my wife and her OM (she considers him as 'her guy' or 'boyfriend' now as we are technically separated), but for best part, we still get on, spend time as a family-unit...but there is still this feeling from her that she wants to reconcile. She often makes little suggestions here and there about 'Actions not Words'.

However, I feel, as I did do when I found out about the OM, that I'm kind of paralyzed by what's happened and feel totally emasculated.

 

The prime example is as follows:

Back in March, I went over to our marital home as I do, to spend time with our boys for the weekend while she went off and spent time with OM. That particular night, she was going out to dinner with him and as she was upstairs getting ready, I went into our bedroom. She looked amazing - tight dress, makeup, hair up, nails done, heels, the works...and it reminded me of what I'd lost. I said to her, almost in a trance: "You're still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen"

She paused for a moment, looked a little puzzled, looked at me and said: "So, why?"

I said, "Why what?"

And, the look on her face....she looked crestfallen, almost tearful: "Mike, you still don't get it do you? So why are you letting me leave our home to go into the arms of another man?"

I didn't know what to say. I just felt numb. I looked down at the floor and mumbled "I don't know Jess. I don't know. Just have a good night okay?"

 

A lot of people here will hate me for this and be screaming, "FFS, man-up and grow a pair" (which incidentally, when we fight, is what Jess always shouts at me)

This is all well and good...but what of those betrayed husbands (and wives even) who feel so emotionally and physically affected by their other-halves' infidelity, that they feel unable to do anything to fight for or win back their wayward-spouse?

 

For me, it's the OM which is causing me that feeling and concern, because I've pushed for 'details' (big mistake) and Jess has told me. I don't want to go into too many sordid details but 'comparison', 'compete' and 'inadequacy' are words I can best describe this situation. In my own mind, I don't fight because she has moved-on and is getting what she needs off him...and I can't (or feel unable) to compete.

 

Am I just feeling sorry for myself or is this a common scenario in 'Infidelity' situations (especially with betrayed husbands)

[elfman]

Hello bud,

 

Hey, I am sorry you're going through this, it sucks. I can relate to what is going on with your marriage right now because I basically went through something of the kind, minus the direct influence of OM... in as simple terms as I can put it: SHE IS PLAYING YOU, and here's why:

 

1- Your self-esteem is low enough that you actually contemplate a life as a "family-unit" with her dating/sleeping with another guy.

2- She is not sure this OM is worth a damn, in my opinion, she does not see a future in it, otherwise why would she not just tell you straight out that you're not getting back together... i.e, you're her plan B when that falls through.

3- You're the perfect babysitter/maid/guard. She is going out and you're staying home with the kids, or if they're older, just guarding the house. It is very convenient for her to be able to go out and have a great time and have you at the house playing mom and dad.

I know its tough hearing this, and not to go into the whole "grow a pair" line of thought, because anyone who has not been in your situation cannot talk so free-spiritedly, here's what worked for me:

 

1- YOU ARE PLAYING CHESS, NOT CHECKERS, understand that getting out of this hole will take a large amount of thought and effort and strategy on your part, even more if your ultimate goal is to get her back (which I think will be a waste of time because once you apply point 2 in my post you will see that she does not deserve you and that you cannot tolerate that sort of attitude).

 

2- GET MOVING ON IMPROVING YOUR SELF-ESTEEM:

a) Start by working out, I know it seems like the last thing you might want to do right now, but excersise clears your head, and in turn makes you fit, and in turn makes you look better and more desireable. There is a wide range of benefits. You do not have to run a 15k, just start small if you're not accustomed to excersise.

b) GET BUSY with anything... take on more job challenges and responsibilities, say yes to everything new that seems to have at least a shade of interesting.

c) Improve your social network, which I am sure right now is a lil off, (my ex made damn sure that I was isolated, I bet your wife has too, in subtle ways, made you a lonely guy).

d) Use your kids: Meaning your kids are a lifeline, whenever you have free time from your regular activities, spend it with them, tighten your relationship with them, take them out for plans with you, get out of that damn house and that twisted idea of "family unit" in which only you are putting effort in.

e) Be unforgiving, or at least pretend you've had enough. Tell her straight up something along the lines that you're not goibng to be a backup anymore, sorry, yeah, I love you but you have no right to treat me as you have.

f) Take a look at the 180.

 

I know all of this seems like it's insurmountable, but trust me, with enough time and effort, your wife will curse the day she decided to play the *******, which is what she is doing. You will come to a state of self-esteem that will allow you to think clearly about this not being normal or natural, and then, the **** will really hit the fan for her. The reality bomb is an awesome thing to watch.

 

Again, chess, not checkers... no single move will allow you to take over the board, you have to put time and effort into this, but you have to start by sacrificing your queen, literally, you have to sacrifice the dream and ilusion that you can win her back when you yourself do not think you're worth more than a pile of crap.

 

Hope it helps, and hope you start on the road to not caring more about her than yourself soon, cause the answer lies in precisely that.

 

Take care,

 

E.

Edited July 1, 2013 by elfman

[GuyInLimbo]

Amazing. Your wife is going out and she puts the blame on YOU for not stopping her? What a c*nt. She's playing you for a fol and essentially torturing you.

 

Yes, you are in a bad place emotionally, so you've become a doormat for her. You need to find ways to man up and end this relationship for your own sake. I would never want to be with someone who did these sorts of things to me, that's for sure. How cruel! You're a plan B? Remove yourself as an option permanently.

[WalkTheEarth]

Thanks guys...just read your posts to which I'm going to reply to very shortly with more details...

[revitup]

Brother, she is INTENTIONALLY running a game on you.Go read the PLAN on shrink4men.com

 

You will see the strategy they use.This is not a normal situation you find yourself involved with today.

 

When a loving and mentally stable woman leaves a man,she just leaves him.Their is something deeper with your situation.This isn't about you at all.This woman is not simply a wayward wife who wanted to leave for whatever reason.She is not normal.

 

The intentional hurt she is inflicting upon you will NEVER stop.NEVER!

 

You should know she wants to control you until the bitter end,leaving you as a crippled heap of your former self.

 

I respect you,you should respect yourself,you my friend are a VICTIM.That is what we see that you do not currently see.You are following the plans she is controlling.You have been duped into believing you can somehow "change" her with love.This woman is incapable of loving you or anyone else for that matter.She does not even love herself.

 

No mentally stable and loving woman would dream of conducting herself this way.

 

This woman would never be on any of our lists of "people to date".

 

Knowing her as you now do,would you even consider dating her (TODAY) if you had not already been so "committed" to her, for so long?

 

The other man or hired "pecker" she is doing WILL NOT EVER be the man she had with you,she knows this and so does the other man.

 

FOG is what you have in front of you today.You need to look up FOG and read it NOW!

 

I feel for you because I have been (almost) as far as you.My STBXWW most likely did the same,I just did not know because,I woke up and she blew out.

 

Get strong and educate yourself,you are more capable and stronger than you know.She wants to keep you ignorant and confused.Knowledge is power.

 

She will never change.You will never be "happy" after what she has done to you.You will never trust her again either.How could you?

 

She has made you feel as though her screwing other men is ALL YOUR FAULT.

 

It is not your fault.

 

REVITUP

[Jstub]

I can completely relate to you! You are being played my friend. She has some serious issues. I have been in the exact position as you have. Consider the following. She definitely feels GUILT. Specially when it comes to "destroying the family" and you committing to the family unit and family activities makes it easier for her. She is getting ready to go screw another man and you sit there and give her a compliment? HAVE SOME SELF RESPECT MAN. Think back, when was the last time she looked like that for you? You just made her feel great about herself and allowed her to make YOU feel responsible for HER actions. That's just so fuc*ed up on so many levels, it makes ME angry for YOU.

 

Please please please, tell her the following: I wish things had worked between us, but they just didn't. I wish you the best with your BF and I hope he can make you happy. I will be moving on and take care of myself. I have had enough.

 

Do not be angry when you tell her this. Not at all. Be very calm and collected. Then, do the hard part, start moving on. That is KEY. Work on yourself my friend. Get your self esteem back. You deserve better. Your wife is no longer there. You are chasing a ghost. It is time to let it go. Don't shut any doors, but understand - your wife needs some serious work. You cannot "fix" her - she can only fix herself. This fixing, if it ever happens, will take a long time - do not wait for it.

 

Good luck to you. Feel free to message me - my stbxw is very similar to yours and I see myself in you.

[aliveagain]

To some of us infidelity is just a deal breaker. Did you ask her why? Why did she need another man to validate her? Is a bit of strange worth ripping the family apart? The best way to deal with a cake eater is just to file, you don't have to prove anything to her, she has to prove she is worth taking back. Why go through the separation pain, separation just allows her to date with you as her back up plan. Divorce takes time and you can always stop the process anytime up to the final decree. Save yourself some pain, avoid any contact with her except for exchanging the children. She has the best of everything, a boyfriend, you paying the bills, time to shut the bakery on this cake eater. Go see your lawyer, start the process, you deserve someone who isn't another mans dirt.

[WalkTheEarth]

Thanks for all of your replies.

 

I'm going to add more to this which may or may not clarify my position.

I have always known Jess as my soul-mate (I don't know what you guys consider this to be, but she is one I've spent the last nine years of my life loving. Regardless of our arguments and fights, we both also complete each others sentences and instinctively understand the others feelings, interests, likes/loves, etc)

However, during our marriage, things have not always been great. I'd use the word 'tumultuous' and 'volatile' quite liberally.

Since our youngest was born three years ago, sex-life has dwindled to nothing and the (mainly verbal) fights have increased. However, there was never ever any jealousy based on other people.

 

When she came home that day and said "We need to separate and think", I did not know that she had already met OM and was in contact with him.

(she still, to this day, swears on our kids' lives that she did not start any EA and certainly not a PA with him until we had officially separated.)

 

There was something inside me those first few weeks that was very blase about all of this: I fully expected her to come round and want me back in to the home. During my visits to our marital home to see our kids when she went out with 'friends' or to her 'sisters' house....one week turned to two, two turned to a month, and then I realized it was serious.

That's when I started snooping

That's when I discovered the OM.

That's when I fell apart.

 

To say I felt 'paralyzed' when I found out she'd got another man...is an understatement. Which is where the initial question of my thread comes from.

 

Sub-consciously, had I checked-out of my marriage long before this happened?

Had she?

 

Just recently, things have been cooling-off dramatically between Jess and her OM. 8 months on, they rarely go out as a 'couple'. He hardly, if ever, texts/calls. They don't have a lot in common.

Bottom-line: she says he's great in bed, has a big c0ck and is a 'nice guy'.

I guess that's what it takes to keep her going back to him. But even that runs its course after a while.

 

When i go back at weekends, I see her now and I have some feeling of loss and regret form her also. I'm also fully, 100% aware of her possibly wanting to come back and reconcile and get our marriage back on-track...but for what reasons.

 

But inside of me I battle with: "Do I Really Love/Want Her Back" or "Do I Just Not Want To See Anyone Else With Her?"

 

 

Sorry for the ambiguity, overall.

[hayewils]

Dude, if she is telling you how good he is in bed and that he has a big thing, you need to get out asap..no, you need to get out right now!

She wants nothing more than to destroy your pride and self esteem as much as she possibly can.

Save yourself!

Get yourself out now!

[Justletgo]

No man who rips a marriage/relationship apart has class. It's her loss & fault in the long run. The problem is you and your kids are stuck with it too.

She's just behaving like a small child and needs to grow up. Which won't happen fast.

 

Just know that you are the prize here and not her. Be the man and act like it with or without her.

 

Just let go, good luck man.

[Steadfast]

I went into our bedroom. She looked amazing - tight dress, makeup, hair up, nails done, heels, the works...and it reminded me of what I'd lost. I said to her, almost in a trance:

 

"You're still the most beautiful woman I've ever seen"

 

She paused for a moment, looked a little puzzled, looked at me and said: "So, why?"

 

I said, "Why what?"

 

And, the look on her face....she looked crestfallen, almost tearful: "Mike, you still don't get it do you? So why are you letting me leave our home to go into the arms of another man?"

 

I didn't know what to say. I just felt numb. I looked down at the floor and mumbled "I don't know Jess. I don't know. Just have a good night okay?

 

This is egregious manipulation warranting strict no contact. Children or no children.

 

There is no other way to view this but as a brazen attempt to tear you apart; break you into submission. No doubt she gets a sexual thrill from humiliating you. Using your attraction for her as power to control. She gets off on it. The next question must be...do you? Many men lust for this kind of degradation; sexual thrills from humiliation. This is a very short fuse OP, one that burns hot from both ends. In a short time it will burn you up.

 

Your future ability to enjoy a healthy sex life hangs in the balance.

 

You don't need advice. The healthy response is so clear cut a preschooler could recognize it. You need the strength to break the bonds you've willingly allowed her to shackle you in. She isn't the issue. You are.

[WalkTheEarth]

1 - There is no other way to view this but as a brazen attempt to tear you apart; break you into submission. No doubt she gets a sexual thrill from humiliating you. Using your attraction for her as power to control. She gets off on it. The next question must be...do you? Many men lust for this kind of degradation; sexual thrills from humiliation. This is a very short fuse OP, one that burns hot from both ends. In a short time it will burn you up.

 

2 - Your future ability to enjoy a healthy sex life hangs in the balance.

 

3 - You don't need advice. The healthy response is so clear cut a preschooler could recognize it. You need the strength to break the bonds you've willingly allowed her to shackle you in. She isn't the issue. You are.

1 - Already been through the 'torn-apart' period, last year. Slowly building myself back again (I think). Which is why I'm confused as why I find it easier and easier each day/week to see her do her own thing, and I do mine.

Which still begs the question: do I really want her back for the right reason. Or at all?

 

2 - Yep. Agreed.

 

3 - I don't feel 'shackled'. I'm confused, sure and maybe ignorant to the facts. Or just indfferent.

I think, without thrashing this thread out anymore, you've all given me some good, obvious (albeit not to me originally) advice!

 

Many thanks!

[GuyInLimbo]

Bottom-line: she says he's great in bed, has a big c0ck and is a 'nice guy'.

 

As I described her before: C*nt. Honestly, man, this level of cruelty is just mind-boggling to me. The fact that it doesn't seem to enrage you and end things immediately is also unimaginable. I guess she's somehow trying to emasculate you as much as possible so that YOU are one to leave or something. I don't know. Either way, she's treating you like sh*t and you need to move on from this horrible person.