About to leave...then tragedy hits

[GuyInLimbo]

As many of you know, I've been hemming and hawing for quite some time about leaving my marriage and when to do it. After all the excuses and life events that have come along since the beginning of the year, I finally made my plans to tell my wife things were over this week. Tomorrow, in fact.

 

As luck may have it, my father-in-law suffers a major stroke on Thursday night. Not sure if he's going to make it or not. He never took care of himself, so the docs are having a hard time figuring out what sort of condition he's in. Either way, he's not going to get better in a week. We have to drive down to see him tonight and stay with our mother-in-law for a while now.

 

I'm angry and frustrated for a number of reasons. I can't be that a-hole that drops his wife in the middle of a family crisis (that may very well last months). My father-in-law, who I never much got along with anyway, could have done things to avoid the pain the family is now dealing with. My wife is a mess and is looking to me for 100% emotional support, obviously. I'm trying my best, but given how far I've distanced myself from her the past few years, it's a real struggle for me. And she's very clingy. Oh, and this is now going to cost us hundreds, if not thousands, of dollars in babysitter money, gas, and god knows what else, which we can't really afford.

 

I realize some people may say I'm being selfish, but this is how I feel and I can say what I want. Just curious if this sort of thing has happened to anyone else. I've never felt more stuck than I do now, which is making it twice as hard to be the "supportive husband." I just want out.

[grassisorisntgreener]

That really sucks...for everyone.

 

This is obviously a "big" deal...but I have found that it's always something. I have been wanting out for a while now as well, but there is always something or some reason it never feels like the right time. A holiday, a birthday, an event of some sort, vacation...blah blah blah..there will always be something. Not that this is the best time, because it isn't...but there will always be reasons to stay. good luck!!

[GuyInLimbo]

Thanks, grass. I was out to dinner with a friend just the night before, and told him the EXACT same thing. It has been one thing after another (trips for work, V-day, Mother's Day, birthdays, etc). This was finally the time when nothing was to be going on.... I shot him a text after this happened and just said "Told you it's always something!"

[imtooconfused]

You're probably going to be an a-hole no matter what, but now would not be a good time. During you FIL's illness, your marriage will probably go significantly downhill. Just work hard to find comfort on your own in any way that you can during this time.

[Leegh]

I would not bring up anything now, as it would be too stressful for all concerned. I would wait a few months. Maybe until the end of the summer or early fall. Going into the holiday season (Xmas) is not a good time either, so perhaps even next January. I knew of a guy who was going to leave his wife, but then his wife got cancer, and the guy never left his wife, or hasn't so far. I don't know if he wants to be married to her now or is staying out of obligation. Is it too personal to ask how long you've wanted a divorce? Do you think you will change your mind and want to stay with her? How long have you and she been married?

[GorillaTheater]

I would not bring up anything now, as it would be too stressful for all concerned. I would wait a few months. Maybe until the end of the summer or early fall.

 

I agree. You've waited this long, so give your wife some time to get her feet under her again. In the meantime, be there for her as much as you can manage.

[GuyInLimbo]

Is it too personal to ask how long you've wanted a divorce? Do you think you will change your mind and want to stay with her? How long have you and she been married?

 

Not too personal at all. Been almost 10 years. I knew I wanted out a good 3 years ago or so now. It's pretty much consumed me. I honestly see no way my feelings could change, esp when I don't know if I've ever REALLY had much for her. It sucks all around.

[Leegh]

I had dated a guy once for seven years, and after about four years I wanted to end it, but I couldn't, as he was almost too nice a person. I understand how hard it can be to end a relationship. He and I were never even married, but he was a nice, kind, wonderful person and I just couldn't tell him that I wanted out of the relationship. My feelings for him were more deep attachment rather than romantic love. Would it be easier to suggest to your wife a separation when you do tell her, as that may be easier for her to handle? Possibly, then after you and she have been separated for a month or so, you could say you want a divorce.

[GuyInLimbo]

I see what you're saying, but I think that would just be prolonging the torture at this point. She's been very frustrated at not having her needs met for quite a while, too.

[Steen719]

So sorry...I can understand your dilemma and I do think it is admirable that you don't want to bail on her.

 

I wondered, though....how far do they live from you? How does the babysitting come in? If it is far enough to stay there, can the kids go with her for the summer or shorter, if he improves or things settle? Do you have to stay there? Can you drive 2 cars and she can stay there?

 

I guess, in my mind, I am thinking that you don't have to be with her every single second and you must have to work, so while you could go some to see her, you could stay home and not have to be there all of the time. Save money and have some time alone.

 

It won't be forever and your point about something will always come up is valid. You can't predict what will happen with him, but maybe after the Doctors have given you all some assessment, you can go from there.

 

Good luck.

[Yasuandio]

To falsify a marriage bond because of life curcumstances is just leading your wife on - and will cause her even more attachment to you during this crisis period. What a devistation it will be to her to find out after the fact that you sympathies and your "being there" was just out of obligatino - and the marriage was not really true in your mind.

 

At the very least - let your wife know where she stands wtih you - and give her the choice if she wants your support or not (so - that is not abandoning or jumping ship - she will have a choice to have you there or not).

 

Personally - I would feel like a complete idiot if I leaned on you during a family crisis - and then come to find out that you were not really committed to the mariage during those moments. I know upon reflection that would really make me feel nausated, and angry.

 

Perhaps, the are roles of service you can perform, such as babysitter, etc., while your wife atttends to personal family matters - since you no longer care to be married to her. She has a right to make these decisions knowing your position at this moment in time. Yas

[GuyInLimbo]

Yas, most of what you say makes sense. But in her current condition, I think it would be cruel and she wouldn't be able to cope. Either way, it's an ugly situation.

[Yasuandio]

Yas, most of what you say makes sense. But in her current condition, I think it would be cruel and she wouldn't be able to cope. Either way, it's an ugly situation.

 

I think it is cruel to fake a marriage. I think it is cruel to pretend you are a loving husband in a crisis, and to allow you wife even more dependency on you.

 

I also think it is cruel she doesn't seem to even seem to know your position.

 

Either way it is an ugly situation as you say. But you can still offer your full practical supports (driving, childcare, financial) whilst functioning though honesty. That is the least cruel method in my humble opinion. Then your wife has a chance to accept or reject with full knowledge of the reality of her world.

 

Yas

[imtooconfused]

One of the few times I am in disagreement with Yasuandio...

 

To falsify a marriage bond because of life curcumstances is just leading your wife on - and will cause her even more attachment to you during this crisis period. What a devistation it will be to her to find out after the fact that you sympathies and your "being there" was just out of obligatino - and the marriage was not really true in your mind.

 

I will be honest and admit that I haven't followed GuyInLimbo's story from the beginning. Even if his wife is not aware of his desire to end the marriage, it sounds like she is certainly aware of the problems surrounding the marriage. Experience has shown me that given the choice of dealing with marital trouble and tending to the health of a loved one, the wife would choose to be by her father's side rather than working things out with her husband.

 

Again, I don't know, up to this point, how much "falsification" of the marriage has occurred, but the wife will need support at this time, and to provide that support as a friend, IMHO would not be any worse than whatever misrepresentations have gone on the last 3 years. And it's substantially the lesser of the evil compared to dumping another bucket of sh*t at her feet right now.

[Yasuandio]

I don't know everything. I just know I would be really hacked off if my marriage got dumped convieniently after my Dad's illness - especially if Dad died.

 

I think I would also sense that something not right - and that would interfer with my caregiving. But his wife doesn't know jack $hit. And maybe it doesn't matter what she knows.

 

I have found in this life experience that I like to know the truth. But that is just me.

 

Sometimes people do not want to know the truth. This is also a very important consideration. I am not necessarly saying my position is correct, just an opinion based on my experience - and on how I would perceive aftermath.

 

Introconfused, your perspective is also a worthy position as well - I cannot disagree with you at all. Yas