lush lady Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I am 27 years old and am dating a guy who is 31, for three years now. We live about an hour away from each other. I go to his house every weekend (for the most part) and stay all weekend. He never comes to see me during the week, even though his job allows him to have the time, he just doesnt. During the week he spends the majority of his time with his business partner/best friend and other friends. I am involved with his family and go to all his holidays and family functions. He doesnt want to go to mine, but I dont care bc I like his family so much that I give up Christmas, Easter to be with his family. His family is awesome and treats me like family and we take family pics and i am included and they are all over facebook. I have also taken vacations with him and his family. HIs family tags me and him in these pics on facebook but he never puts me in his profile pics, but he isnt a big facebook person either...he barely goes on and neither do i really. He has also taken me on vacation alone; however he takes a lot of business trips/vacations with his business partner/best friend. Twice this year they went to vegas. They have to go there for work but they also post things about them partying there and staying out late. He barely, if ever goes to bars or clubs when he is not away. On weekends we typically do house work stuff or hang out with his friends and family. He owns a home (an hour away from where I live) and never has mentioned me moving in there or getting a job closer to where he lives so that maybe we could see each other more during the week. When I met him he was 28 and he had just been out of a relationship with someone he dated on and off for 7 years. He never told me this but I did some research. I think I am better off because I got him when he is older, but I am starting to think this man hasnt grown up and I dont know if I should wait around for him to grow up. We do talk about what things would be like when married and stuff and kids one day. Thoughts? Link to post Share on other sites
Otty Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Let me ask you a serious question that also should be considered by every other woman who complains that her SO won't commit or marry her. What exactly is in it for him? Marriage is an increasingly bad deal for men in America today. He is giving up a lot: his independence and autonomy, and is taking on a substantial risk due to biases in the American courts. If her has children with you, there is a 50% chance you and him will divorce, and if this occurs, an 80% chance that he will lose most of his time with his children. Moreover, the financial obligations he will incur will follow him for years. Plus, given that many American women in their 20s and 30s are feminists, getting married means joining households and lives with someone who may not be very feminine or even like men very much. Marriage rates in America are dropping fast for a reason, and this doesn't seem likely to change in the near future. My suggestion: If you want him to propose, give him a reason to want to marry you (and no, sex isn't the reason -- he can probably get sex any time he wants with or without you). 10 Link to post Share on other sites
MidwestUSA Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Will you be happy replacing your own family with his? Him not going to your family functions is NOT going to change. You say you don't care, but I'll bet you do or you wouldn't be here asking. You will be going to see your family alone, while he does his own thing. Weddings, funerals, new babies, the works. He is putting forth NO effort; reread your post. The short answer to your question, however, is no. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CherryT Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) It sounds like a very one sided relationship. Everything that is happening is because he wants it to happen that way... not you. He doesn't want to come see you, so you go see him. He doesn't want to spend time with your family, so you spend time with his. My Ex and I were exactly like that. I did most of the compromising and he didn't do much of it. It didn't matter to me that I may have liked his family more than mine... the fact is I love my family and even if we spend 80% of our time with his, he should at least once in awhile spend some time with mine. If he cannot do something simple like drive an hour to see you for one weekend when you're always going to him, what makes you think he'll take that plunge and commit his whole life for you? I don't want to sound harsh, but it doesn't seem like he is wanting that. Plus, he's not 100% open with you... and I wouldn't want to get into a marriage where a man doesn't even want to display his commitment to you. I know you said that both of you are rarely on Facebook, but it was a big enough indication to mention that he never displays you on his profile. It does bother you and it's just another layer of disappointment. Also, he has never talked about his past relationship, after 3 years. You had to research that... It doesn't seem that this guy is fully invested in your relationship because he's not wanting to open all lines of communication and talk about the past, present and future. It really does sound like this relationship is ideal/perfect for him and not for you. He has a business and is probably quite busy. So it's probably a great thing that he doesn't see you during the week and you come by during the weekend. He doesn't have to put much effort and plus you're going to him - again, very convenient for him. He hasn't mentioned you spending more time with him because he's content. My BF and I are in a LDR and we see each other about twice a month if we're lucky but mostly once a month. After one year together he has mentioned getting married and closing the distance. We're both on the same page but it's a mutual effort to plan our future. I am also the one who will be moving to him and will be a plane ride away from my family. Because he knows this, he is doing everything he can to spend the most time with my family. Whether that is taking my brother and father to golf, planning a family vacation for all of us to go to, or just simply always committing time to have lunch or dinner with them when he's in town. I don't think I could be with someone who didn't at the very least bring up wanting to spend more time with me... Never mind being with someone who won't compromise and do something for their partner. I mean, if he can't even visit you for one weekend, will you be doing all the heavy lifting in your marriage? I wouldn't want to be married to someone who always has to have it his way and won't go out of his way to make his partner feel loved. I think that's a basic requirement... both partners trying their best to make their loved ones feel loved and you obviously feel stuck. Edited July 1, 2013 by CherryT 2 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Yeah like cherryT said....stop being so available to him. He has no reason to change the dynamics of your relationship because nothing is his inconvenience or sacrifice, it's all yours. Who on earth would change that? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lush lady Posted July 1, 2013 Author Share Posted July 1, 2013 Well why would he waste 3 years , almost every weekend with me if he didn't see a future? Why would he bring me around his family for all occasions? Lastly, why wouldn't he go find someone he believed he had a future with or liked enough to put in effort into the relationship??? I'm just really confused with this. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Well why would he waste 3 years , almost every weekend with me if he didn't see a future? Why would he bring me around his family for all occasions? Lastly, why wouldn't he go find someone he believed he had a future with or liked enough to put in effort into the relationship??? I'm just really confused with this. It's the perfect situation for him. You do all the running to him and then go home. Sounds ideal to me. 9 Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 OP, these are questions for your boyfriend, not us. Sit him down and have a real talk with him. Ask him, point blank, if marriage is in the cards for you two. If he says, "Yes, someday...." Don't let that fly. You have invested 3 years already. I would have personally walked 2 years ago. If he doesn't plan to marry you soon, that is fine. But he should let you go so you CAN find your future husband before you are out of child bearing years. Just be real and honest with him. Once he gives you an answer, you will know what to do from there. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lush lady Posted July 1, 2013 Author Share Posted July 1, 2013 I just find it strange that a 31 year old doesnt want to find a girl he likes enough to do the things your saying. He would really rather spend his week nights with his friends and not pursuing a girl he sees in his future. I mean we are not talking about someone in their early twenties or even late twenties Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I just find it strange that a 31 year old doesnt want to find a girl he likes enough to do the things your saying. He would really rather spend his week nights with his friends and not pursuing a girl he sees in his future. I mean we are not talking about someone in their early twenties or even late twenties You don't know that is what he wants until you flat out ask him. And please when you have this conversation, try know to be insulting or accusatory either. Remember, you're not giving him a 'marry me or else!' ultimatum here. You are saying 'This is what I want. If that doesn't match what you want, we really need to go out separate ways so we can both find happiness without resenting each other!' Link to post Share on other sites
CarrieT Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I just find it strange that a 31 year old doesnt want to find a girl he likes enough to do the things your saying. He would really rather spend his week nights with his friends and not pursuing a girl he sees in his future. I mean we are not talking about someone in their early twenties or even late twenties That is because you are projecting your desires on to him -- your desires of a future, a family, and marriage... There are a lot of men that are quite happy milking the cow without buying it. You just said it; he gets his week nights for his friends and doesn't have to do any work in the relationship because you show up once a week to fulfill his other needs. Lots of men would like that and not have to "put up with" all the other stuff that is involved in a permanent relationship. As others have said, you need to have these conversations with him, not us. He might be one of those that is quite content to live this way for a very, very long time. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 I just find it strange that a 31 year old doesnt want to find a girl he likes enough to do the things your saying. He would really rather spend his week nights with his friends and not pursuing a girl he sees in his future. I mean we are not talking about someone in their early twenties or even late twenties Since when does independence have an age restriction? Do like Jane suggests....talk to him about it. Maybe what you think about the future differs a great deal than what his plans are. Find out. Link to post Share on other sites
Author lush lady Posted July 1, 2013 Author Share Posted July 1, 2013 Ok so then if he's not ready for marriage do you think when he becomes ready that he will marry me? Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Ok so then if he's not ready for marriage do you think when he becomes ready that he will marry me? Maybe or maybe not but demanding a ring is certainly not the way to go about it. Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 When you guys started dating who asked who to be excluse? How long did it take him to tell you he loves you or did you say it first? On again off again relationships are a big sign of being emotionally unavailable/commitment phobic. I'll be more sure once you answer my questions. Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Ok so then if he's not ready for marriage do you think when he becomes ready that he will marry me? Maybe but he may not even ever want to get married to you or anybody else. You really should be asking him these things so that you have a clear understanding of what his intentions are. We aren't him so we don't know. Link to post Share on other sites
CherryT Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Well why would he waste 3 years , almost every weekend with me if he didn't see a future? Why would he bring me around his family for all occasions? Lastly, why wouldn't he go find someone he believed he had a future with or liked enough to put in effort into the relationship??? I'm just really confused with this. I know a girl who was with her boyfriend for 11 YEARS. They even bought a home together and she stuck with him when he went back to school to finish his masters. After he was done school, he broke up with her because he wasn't "in love with her" any more. She waited for a ring... for 11 YEARS. It was a perfect situation for him. He was able to achieve some of his goals and had her on the sidelines and when he was ready to make that commitment, he realized she wasn't the one. When a man wants to be with you, you will know it. If he doesn't know by now whether or not he wants to marry you, chances are it's not on his radar. He's 31 years old and doesn't even talk about you moving in. Do you even know if he wants to get married at all? Or have kids? 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Woggle Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 If man thinks a woman is worth commitment and the time is right he will do it. Give him an incentive to marry you and show how better life will be with you as his wife. That is what my wife did. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lush lady Posted July 1, 2013 Author Share Posted July 1, 2013 Maybe or maybe not but demanding a ring is certainly not the way to go about it. Who said I was demanding a ring??? Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Ok so then if he's not ready for marriage do you think when he becomes ready that he will marry me? My thoughts are if he's not ready after 3 years, he'll never be ready. HOWEVER, until you ASK HIM you don't know that he's not ready. If he's not, walk. It doesn't take a man 3 years to figure out of if you're good enough to commit too. He may not be asking because he's not sure that is what YOU want. If he hems and haws, walk. He's never going to marry you. And every second you waste on him you can be spending it finding your future husband. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
Author lush lady Posted July 1, 2013 Author Share Posted July 1, 2013 So it's normal for a guy to bring a girl around his friends and family and do family vacations together when he has no real plan to ever marry her Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Ok so then if he's not ready for marriage do you think when he becomes ready that he will marry me? No. My opinion is based on your post and reading your post didn't make me believe that he respects you enough to marry you. Link to post Share on other sites
CherryT Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 If man thinks a woman is worth commitment and the time is right he will do it. Give him an incentive to marry you and show how better life will be with you as his wife. That is what my wife did. But he would have to see living life with her is much better without. With a situation like the OP described, it sounds like he just wants a part-time GF. It's not much of commitment, like the OP said ("why would he commit his weekends and family outings with me?"), because you do all the work to be with him. From an outsider looking in and just going off your words, it doesn't sound like he loves you as much as you love him. Especially if he couldn't be bothered to drive up to see you once in awhile. So expecting marriage from someone who's committing that little seems like a far stretch. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 So it's normal for a guy to bring a girl around his friends and family and do family vacations together when he has no real plan to ever marry her Yeah, lots of guys do this with girls they never plan to marry. However, you don't know if you're in this situation or not because, for some reason, you are not womaning up and talking to him about this. You have as much of the blame here and as him. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CherryT Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 So it's normal for a guy to bring a girl around his friends and family and do family vacations together when he has no real plan to ever marry her Yes. Like the situation I told you above with the girl who was with her ex for 11 years... she's also the godmother of his ex's nephews. He went along with it because it was easy. I doubt he ever wanted to get married and they could've kept going the way they were if she hadn't put her foot down. She said: I wanted kids and get married and he said: nope, not what I want. They split. Link to post Share on other sites
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