will my bf ever grow up or marry me?

[JustAReformedGirl]

 

my questions:

1. being that he talks about the future (even brings things up on his own) , does that mean i am the one or is this just something guys tell every girl they are dating?

 

I doubt your boyfriend can know for certain that you're the one, but maybe he's thinking you might be. When he brings it up, does he only speak of it vaguely, or does he seem to be thinking in a more detailed fashion?

2. what about his ex- should i be concerned that he dumped his ex and then

randomly contacts her while dating me?

 

When did this occur, and when he contacted her, did he explain to you why? (I either missed this in your OP, or it came later during all the argui-I mean debating on the previous pages.

 

 

3. maybe he is just not ready to marry yet...but do you think i will be the one he marries when he becomes ready since he will have all these great memories with me and his family, holidays, vacations, just hanging out, helping him with house work, etc?

 

Only your boyfriend holds the answers to these questions; have you asked him if his discussing marriage with you is of a serious nature? No one here can know more than you of your own situation, and you'll only find out if you openly and honestly discuss these things with your boyfriend.

[miss_jaclynrae]

how many times do i have to say the same thing. if you are going to respond at least read the thread. ive said numerous times that him and i discuss future plans, not specifics but when we get married type stuff. and like other people said not to do and i dont want to do.. is pressure him and be like exactly when are you proposing or going to make more an effort w me.

 

my questions:

1. being that he talks about the future (even brings things up on his own) , does that mean i am the one or is this just something guys tell every girl they are dating?

2. what about his ex- should i be concerned that he dumped his ex and then randomly contacts her while dating me?

3. maybe he is just not ready to marry yet...but do you think i will be the one he marries when he becomes ready since he will have all these great memories with me and his family, holidays, vacations, just hanging out, helping him with house work, etc?

 

 

 

 

 

I really think there are too many red flags. If it was me, I would straight up ask when he sees us making a final commitment to me if ever.

Actions speak louder than words, and I don't see any actions showing him beig serious about settling down anytime soon.

 

 

 

 

My man and I talk about marriage, but he backs it up, even if I don't have a ring yet. We moved in together, he always puts me first, spends a major amount of time with my family, and has brought up an end point. Saying I see myself marrying you, and saying in so and so time we will be married by then... Are two different things. I have had multiple boyfriends express wanting to marry me, but he has said by when.

 

 

 

 

As for the ex thing, depends on why he contacts, how often, and what they discuss. My man randomly texts his exs, but it is because a few are also recovering alcoholics, so he just likes to see how they are handling sobriety. It doesn't make me uncomfortable.

 

 

 

 

By three years, I believe a man should know whether the woman e is with is one he wants to marry. It's ok for him to not be ready yet, it's ok for you to not be ok with that. What matters is if you both agree, then you can go from there. Asking when he plans to commit and asking where he sees things going isn't pressuring, it's being a mature adult in a mature adult relationship.

 

 

 

 

 

 

All just my own view if course.

[Pierre]

how many times do i have to say the same thing. if you are going to respond at least read the thread. ive said numerous times that him and i discuss future plans, not specifics but when we get married type stuff. and like other people said not to do and i dont want to do.. is pressure him and be like exactly when are you proposing or going to make more an effort w me.

 

my questions:

1. being that he talks about the future (even brings things up on his own) , does that mean i am the one or is this just something guys tell every girl they are dating?

2. what about his ex- should i be concerned that he dumped his ex and then randomly contacts her while dating me?

3. maybe he is just not ready to marry yet...but do you think i will be the one he marries when he becomes ready since he will have all these great memories with me and his family, holidays, vacations, just hanging out, helping him with house work, etc?

 

 

What is the point of a three year GF/BF relationship? One would think this is going somewhere. Three years is a very long time.

 

BTW, do not move in with this guy. Stay the course.

 

I know you discuss the future. Do me a favor. ASk him when are we getting engaged. if he turns pale as a ghost you have your answer. I think you are afraid to ask.

[starrynightz45]

It sounds like you're bending over backwards for him, and he's just "there" for lack of a better term.

 

Men don't see taking you to family events as such a big deal as you may think it is. Additionally, he makes no effort to come visit you. He spends far more time with friends than with you, though he COULD drive down to see you if he wanted to, at least 1x a week. But why bother? You make it so convenient for him -he gets to do what he wants all the time, and you drive up on the weekends to give him sex, spend a little time with him, and leave quickly, letting him get back to his life without any hassles or obligations.

 

He doesn't seem nearly as invested as you, and you've made it way too convenient for him to be with you. If you don't start telling him that you expect more, you will never know how he truly sees you. If he's willing to step up and give you more, then you know he cares. If he won't, then he's been dragging you along because it has been convenient and not intrusive in his life. Find out.

[Titania22]

how many times do i have to say the same thing. if you are going to respond at least read the thread. ive said numerous times that him and i discuss future plans, not specifics but when we get married type stuff. and like other people said not to do and i dont want to do.. is pressure him and be like exactly when are you proposing or going to make more an effort w me.

 

I would straight up ask when he sees us making a final commitment to me if ever.

 

Asking him this, is not the same thing as pressuring him to marry you right this second. Marriage or not, by now he should know whether he wants to make a life long commitment. Really whats needed is a discussion, but you have to say something to start the discussion, and I like miss_jaclynrae's suggestion.

 

I know what it's like to feel like saying anything will be taken as you pressuring him, but it is kinder to both of you, if you lay it down on the table for him to think about honestly, rather than either staying silent and unhappy, or deciding for him and just moving on. If you talk to him, he actually gets some say in how things unfold.

 

If you don't want to put him on the spot to answer immediately, tell him to think about it, because you don't want to waste anymore of your life on something that is going nowhere.

[samsungxoxo]

Even when my Friends and I were just having "fun", "living it up", "chasing tail" and being "idiots" none of us ever were cowardly pathetic losers who had to resort to lying, deceiving and manipulating someone like the OP or samsungxoxo ("Marrying Kind") a few posts up by "future faking" them so we could get a piece of ass or get them to date us.

This is why we then become skeptical and way less tolerant in our mid-late 20's. Maybe the next man might have good intentions but what if he's another loser that fakes future?

 

If I had to compare this I would say it's similar to the way telemarketers fool you into getting winning prizes and getting free stuff, only to get charged and scammed. The next time you get a promising call and when you're older, you already know you're going to get fooled.

[Ninjainpajamas]

Unfortunately, this guy is screaming no commitment/playing the field with a high possibility of cheating on the forecast if he hasn't done so already, which I would say is extremely high.

 

He's really doing a lot of the classic things guy do when effectively stringing along women...what's worse though is it shows that he is bold in his behavior with his relationship with you...which means he's very comfortable and feels in control.

 

He has you effectively compartmentalized and "contained" in this so called relationship, excluding any serious investment or effort on his part while giving the illusion of progress (at least at first) but you have noticed that things have stagnating and not progressed...which means this is what he has settled you into to...you're that comfortable/home base woman who accommodates him on family functions and trips, not because he wants you closer to his family and to him but because it's another convenience to him and his life to do so. You're just someone he's comfortable around and trusts that he likes to spend time with and do things with, you're the stability to his life in a storm, which includes partying and very very likely other women and then he just comes back to you like it never happened...double life.

 

You're someone who he can spend time with, play mr. relationship with then once he hits the air with his buddy he's a "single" guy and playing the field more than likely. He also lives an hour away, which means you are far enough to know when and where you are without having to drop in, giving him his privacy and freedom to move around without suspicion.

 

You're being easy to control because you do not speak up or ask the hard questions, you are easily controlled and manipulated because after 3 years you're still sitting there wondering why he hasn't asked this or that of you...like moving in, or moving closer, I mean what are you telling yourself? if you just stick around he's going to be magically "ready" and then take the next step?...for what? what good is that going to do him? he's having his life going exactly the way he wants it right now...why ruin it?

 

This guy is partying it up and enjoying his life while you sit somewhere in the back of his mind and off to the side...his family is a minor situation to resolve, after all whether they know he's a player or not they're his family, they're not going to throw him under the bus for you, they'll love him when you're gone and you're probably not the first girl he's brought around anyway to meet the family...obviously for him it's not that big of a deal and for some guys it's simply not...they really just don't care who meets their family and even if they ask "so you getting married or having kids with this one?"...."ehh i don't know, I don't think there's any long-term potential...we'll see"...they tag you to facebook because they respect you as a person but to him you're just a ghost, part-time lover, you could be an old friend or whoever to anyone that asks.

 

The saddest part is you gave up your own family and identity to be with this guy, unfortunately you are the perfect type to manipulate...somebody who has no boundaries and doesn't stand firm by expectations to make sure she is being met half way...you can't let a man be your "everything", that's just the easiest kind to take advantage of and guess what, you usually will end up with the guys who will...not the ones who will cherish you for that and see the "greatness" in this relationship, they'll just chew you up and spit you out when they're done with you, feigning genuine emotions and interest for the sake of "romance" and out of obligation....you need to have a backbone and call him out when he's BSing, you have to demand respect or let him take it or leave it...and not after you've been subjected to being a side-show for 3 years...by now the writing on the wall is clear and I definitely think you should move on.

 

Bottom line assessment here:

 

Chances are high you were a rebound...sounds like it, I'm betting he hit the ground running with you as was in a vulnerable emotional state...things kind sped forward and transitioned into the "stagnant" situation you are in now and now he's reached out and regained his confidence and emotional stability and your expense...now he's talking to his ex about the emotions of the past, rekindling those flames little by little and downplaying the significance of the role you play in his life...he's likely been cheating with other women, whether emotionally or physically but likely physically as his emotions seem mostly invested with his ex....from the sound of this situation if you spied and poked around I'm sure you'd uncover more evidence where you may become extremely hurt and irate and focus on these things as if they are really relevant to the whole picture but otherwise very relevant to your emotions, he will back pedal and express every trick and lie/excuse in the book that most men revert to when caught and then you'll be even more "confused" because now you'll be emotionally compelled because of this new found evidence.

 

You SHOULD move on, but if you did that you'd impress me with your courage and resolve as sadly most women don't attain that, especially after "investing" three years of their lives, they want to get the most out of it and try to turn the hands of fate...just don't be surprised when you make that choice that you aren't here in this situation two years from...sure you can press him for something more serious and he may buckle but that's forced commitment and meaning he'll likely continue behind your back doing the same things he used to before things "changed".

 

This is a situation where it walks like a duck, quacks like a duck, and looks like a duck...but you're hoping it's a bear, this is a pretty transparent situation...I don't know if you're wise or convinced enough to move on though, I think you're going to need more damaging and convincing evidence, you seem to believe and trust him far too much for what little he has done for you that i feel is representing true investment on his part.

[lush lady]

Unfortunately, this guy is screaming no commitment/playing the field with a high possibility of cheating on the forecast if he hasn't done so already, which I would say is extremely high.

 

He's really doing a lot of the classic things guy do when effectively stringing along women...what's worse though is it shows that he is bold in his behavior with his relationship with you...which means he's very comfortable and feels in control.

 

So this is a common thing and there are signs of it even??

 

He has you effectively compartmentalized and "contained" in this so called relationship, excluding any serious investment or effort on his part while giving the illusion of progress (at least at first) but you have noticed that things have stagnating and not progressed...which means this is what he has settled you into to...you're that comfortable/home base woman who accommodates him on family functions and trips, not because he wants you closer to his family and to him but because it's another convenience to him and his life to do so.

 

How do you know he doesnt want me close with his family? He even commented under a pic i was in about it being a family picture.

 

You're just someone he's comfortable around and trusts that he likes to spend time with and do things with, you're the stability to his life in a storm, which includes partying and very very likely other women and then he just comes back to you like it never happened...double life.

 

Arent these qualities the exact qualities that a man would want/look for in a long term partner??

 

You're being easy to control because you do not speak up or ask the hard questions, you are easily controlled and manipulated because after 3 years you're still sitting there wondering why he hasn't asked this or that of you...like moving in, or moving closer, I mean what are you telling yourself? if you just stick around he's going to be magically "ready" and then take the next step?...for what? what good is that going to do him? he's having his life going exactly the way he wants it right now...why ruin it?

 

How would I ruin his life? I know he wants children so yea why wouldnt he wake up one day and realize I have been by his side, have all the above qualities, marry me, and have children with me??

 

Chances are high you were a rebound...sounds like it, I'm betting he hit the ground running with you as was in a vulnerable emotional state...things kind sped forward and transitioned into the "stagnant" situation you are in now and now he's reached out and regained his confidence and emotional stability and your expense...now he's talking to his ex about the emotions of the past, rekindling those flames little by little and downplaying the significance of the role you play in his life..

 

what makes you think hes talking to his ex about emotions after hes already spent 3 years with me. they broke up 3 years ago and they only text every few months and thats it.

[CherryT]

how many times do i have to say the same thing. if you are going to respond at least read the thread. ive said numerous times that him and i discuss future plans, not specifics but when we get married type stuff. and like other people said not to do and i dont want to do.. is pressure him and be like exactly when are you proposing or going to make more an effort w me.

 

my questions:

1. being that he talks about the future (even brings things up on his own) , does that mean i am the one or is this just something guys tell every girl they are dating?

2. what about his ex- should i be concerned that he dumped his ex and then randomly contacts her while dating me?

3. maybe he is just not ready to marry yet...but do you think i will be the one he marries when he becomes ready since he will have all these great memories with me and his family, holidays, vacations, just hanging out, helping him with house work, etc?

 

 

Actually, you don’t discuss future plans. How do you discuss something when it’s so vague? That’s just a random thought and a vocal outburst. In order to actually “discuss” as defined in the dictionary as: Talk about (something) with another person or Talk/write about (a topic) in detail, taking into account different ideas and opinions… You actually have to talk about it. I’ve always said that I wanted to ride a motorcycle. I’ve never discussed it in details but I said it. But I’ve been saying it for years and now that I am older and don’t really have buying a bike a priority… I just say it with no intentions of doing it. Like when I see one on the street "oh man, one day I'd love to ride a bike like that". But I haven't put it in my calendar to actually get the license and/or look into riding schools. This is exactly what you and your boyfriend have been doing. You will add things like marriage and kids etc, but have never actually discussed it.

 

I don’t see the correlation between you having a discussion about something and putting pressure on him. You’re not asking him to propose. But what you want to know is if that’s on the horizon for you both… and if so, when he thinks he might be ready. Because women don’t have the luxury of time when it comes to having kids. You HAVE THE RIGHT to ask that for YOURSELF. This relationship is just as much about you as it is about him. If marriage and children is a goal of yours, you should be comfortable and secure enough to discuss that in your relationship. You shouldn’t be afraid of losing him and putting your wants on the backburner, which is evidently what you’re doing.

 

Now to answer your questions:

 

1. being that he talks about the future (even brings things up on his own) , does that mean i am the one or is this just something guys tell every girl they are dating?

 

LOL... *sigh*... I don't know what you want us to say? Yes, my dear. You are the one. He loves you so much that he's willing to tell you these things, but unwilling to actually put in any effort or timeline to get it to happen.

 

You keep asking the same questions over, which is why you're always getting the same response. You don't want to LISTEN to what is actually happening in your relationship and what you're looking for is justification and a bandaid so you can keep waiting and not bringing it up to him.

 

The truth: Yes. Guys do say these things without any intention of actually fulfilling that. Like I said, I knew a couple who were together for 11 years... they actually bought a house together (your boyfriend hasn't even mentioned you moving closer). She was at all their family events. She was even a brides maid at his sisters wedding. She is also the godmother of his nephews... and yet, no intention to get married TO HER. She finally asked him point blank "I am not getting younger and I want to get married and have kids. I am not giving you an ultimatum and asking for you to propose to me. What I want you to do is be honest with yourself and tell me if you see that in OUR future. Am I ever going to be the one for you?". He took about a week or so to think about it and came back and said he didn't see himself married to her. They broke off their 11 year relationship.

 

2. what about his ex- should i be concerned that he dumped his ex and then randomly contacts her while dating me?

 

Yes. A man who is ready to settle down and is wholeheartedly IN LOVE with the woman he is with has no need to contact an ex. Can you not see something wrong with that?

 

3. maybe he is just not ready to marry yet...but do you think i will be the one he marries when he becomes ready since he will have all these great memories with me and his family, holidays, vacations, just hanging out, helping him with house work, etc?

 

Oh lord. Sure, keep waiting around. But creating memories like "just hanging out or helping him with house work and holidays etc" happen whether you're there or not. So he can easily create these memories with someone else.

Edited July 3, 2013 by CherryT

[Woggle]

I just a read few threads about walkway wives and women that fell out of love with their husbands and I ask is it any wonder why men are scared of marriage?

[ExpatInItaly]

*facepalm*

 

Well...I just don't even know where to begin. Again.

 

Bottom line is that you are having doubts about his commitment to you. You make an effort and he doesn't. What exactly has he said about his future with you? That might help us understand these future plans more clearly.

 

He's also been in contact with his ex. How do you know what they've been speaking about? (And yes, I would be concerned. Especially considering that he wasn't upfront about his relationship history with you.)

 

More importantly, why can you not bring up marriage/long-term commitment with him? Because you fear what his answer will be? Don't make excuses to yourself that you'd be "pressuring" him. After 3 years, you have every right to make sure you're on the same page about the future. But I think you already know you're not. You are posting here, after all....

[CarrieT]

How do you know he doesnt want me close with his family? He even commented under a pic i was in about it being a family picture.

 

How would I ruin his life? I know he wants children so yea why wouldnt he wake up one day and realize I have been by his side, have all the above qualities, marry me, and have children with me??

 

You know, LushLady, this is becoming the crux of your thread; these are questions that we are asking and that you are asking, but after THREE YEARS with a guy, you should already know these answers.

 

This is what we are all trying to drive home with you. In all accounts, you don't really know what he wants and you apparently do not have the type of relationship with him that enables you to talk openly and honestly about the future.

 

WHY IS THAT? What is stopping you from having this discussion with him without starting second threads delving into this big, giant question that is looming in front of you?

[Noproblem]

Well it seems so obvious to me

 

You've been taken for granted and you allowed that

Which is kind of sad

 

You should have a life

The minute he realizes you are slipping away from him and he is losing you

You are not the same girl who was by his side whenever and wherever he wanted ...he'll make the next step

 

If he didn't even notice that ..Oh well ...You are still so young and it's time to move on and find someone who really care about you.

[snowflakes88]

All signs point to trouble. And you know it deep down, which is why (1) you are concerned, and (2) you're afraid to have an honest conversation with him. You seem intent to argue against the red flags everyone else sees, however.... if you're so sure, why are you asking?

[snowflakes88]

BTW, asking your boyfriend of 3 years if he sees himself marrying you in the future is not pressure. It is common sense.

[lush lady]

BTW, asking your boyfriend of 3 years if he sees himself marrying you in the future is not pressure. It is common sense.

 

i mentioned we have discussed the future together. he acts and talks like he sees me in his future but i just felt like his actions say otherwise and THAT is the main reason i came here for opinions.

[samsungxoxo]

i mentioned we have discussed the future together. he acts and talks like he sees me in his future but i just felt like his actions say otherwise and THAT is the main reason i came here for opinions.

Then he's playing dumb. It's time to take some actions and decide when ''talking but it leading nowhere'' is enough.

I don't think you even need to remind him that you want marriage. He would have already done something about it even before you open your mouth about marriage.

 

Besides like other posters mentioned, he isn't being too much involved in your family nor even wants to spend time with your family. He wants to still live the life of a single man playing the fields. He already did the same thing to his ex. Nope, base on his actions and playing dumb he doesn't want to marry you.

[lush lady]

i spoke with him and he says he is just not ready for that yet. so now i wonder when he becomes ready , will he marry me? or do guys like him go and marry someone else?

[Janesays]

i spoke with him and he says he is just not ready for that yet. so now i wonder when he becomes ready , will he marry me? or do guys like him go and marry someone else?

 

If he truly thought you were "the one" he'd be ready by the end of the week.

 

Darling, this guy is a dead end. I promise you.

[samsungxoxo]

i spoke with him and he says he is just not ready for that yet. so now i wonder when he becomes ready , will he marry me? or do guys like him go and marry someone else?

I would break up already. 3 years is a lot. Do you want to keep waiting till the 4th+ year and him still not ready?

 

If I were you, I would listen to that older male poster who used to played the fields but never got involved with women wanting marriage. At least I give him credits for not taking advantage of the innocent women and faking future with them.

[SJC2008]

NO. But like i said he has said things like, when were married or when we have kids, etc.

 

He's dangling a carrot in front of you.

 

Are you going to answer my previous questions? How long did it take him to say ILY? Here's another one: Who asked who to be exclusive?

 

You are a lazy, commitment phobe bf's dream all due respect. He doesn't have to put in any effort, you go to him and he get's a steady "supply".

[KatZee]

i spoke with him and he says he is just not ready for that yet. so now i wonder when he becomes ready , will he marry me? or do guys like him go and marry someone else?

 

I'd say his answer means "I just don't see it with you."

 

He's very comfortable with the situation. He has a full time girlfriend all the benefits and since you don't have the kind of relationship where you feel completely comfortable asking about these things, he's allowed to continue coasting with you.

 

The relationship I had with my ex was very similar to yours. We were together almost 3 years and I never felt truly comfortable asking him about a future, and when I sometimes hinted, he would deflect, say he wasn't ready, he didn't know when he WOULD be ready... just every excuse under the sun to not talk about it.

 

If after three years he can't say to you that he sees you as his wife one day, if he deflects, talks in circles... you're wasting your time.

 

Also, forget his words. My ex said the same thing. "You're part of my family" blah blah blah. It meant nothing.

[joystickd]

3 years! It's time to end it and find someone else.

[SJC2008]

i spoke with him and he says he is just not ready for that yet. so now i wonder when he becomes ready , will he marry me? or do guys like him go and marry someone else?

 

The #1 dating rule is actions=words. His actions of No effort and you going to him= His words "not ready". That's all the proof you need.

[samsungxoxo]

I'd say his answer means "I just don't see it with you."

 

He's very comfortable with the situation. He has a full time girlfriend all the benefits and since you don't have the kind of relationship where you feel completely comfortable asking about these things, he's allowed to continue coasting with you.

 

The relationship I had with my ex was very similar to yours. We were together almost 3 years and I never felt truly comfortable asking him about a future, and when I sometimes hinted, he would deflect, say he wasn't ready, he didn't know when he WOULD be ready... just every excuse under the sun to not talk about it.

 

If after three years he can't say to you that he sees you as his wife one day, if he deflects, talks in circles... you're wasting your time.

 

Also, forget his words. My ex said the same thing. "You're part of my family" blah blah blah. It meant nothing.

This is why I've become untrusting. This is how they are tricking us and if it doesn't work, they're going a step further. Here are the steps I've noticed.

 

1) Though they're not living together, just like the gf spends time with him and family because she loves him and obviously like many women want a future. At some point, the man briefly said he wants to marry in the future but not yet and that gets her excited but it's a lie to trick her into wasting years.

 

2) If that doesn't work and the woman is too smart, he will do the ''Let's move in together'' scam and again tell her that he sees a future with her. Once again, he tricked her into wasting endless years.

 

3) If the woman is still smart, hard to convinced with talk for 1 year and refuses to move in with him, he will do this now: propose but without a date set up. The woman off course will get overly excited since he bought the ring after all. Only, he is going a step further.

 

4) Finally, I've heard about a story of a man breaking up an engagement a few days before the wedding was about to take place. He wanted to for a while but went that far (low) to trick both the woman who apparently was too smart to fall for the previous tricks as well as the family.

 

The 4th is the only way a guy can now trick me but damn that's soooo low and cowardly.

Edited July 4, 2013 by samsungxoxo