PlumPrincess Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 So it's normal for a guy to bring a girl around his friends and family and do family vacations together when he has no real plan to ever marry her Doesn't really take a lot of effort on his part having your around, right? I mean, if you had written that he made a lot of effort of seeing you at your place on a regular basis and going out of his way to see your family and friends, that would be different. But as is, he's not doing much and you're doing a lot. 2 Link to post Share on other sites
CherryT Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Whoops, meant to his his nephew. Not his ex's. That would be messy. Link to post Share on other sites
darkmoon Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 lightly discuss children in general with him, you will have your answer, or at least an indication of what he wants out of life Link to post Share on other sites
Author lush lady Posted July 1, 2013 Author Share Posted July 1, 2013 Doesn't really take a lot of effort on his part having your around, right? I mean, if you had written that he made a lot of effort of seeing you at your place on a regular basis and going out of his way to see your family and friends, that would be different. But as is, he's not doing much and you're doing a lot. What does effort have to do with it? No it takes him no effort to bring me around to his family occasions but if he sees no future with me wouldn't he just go alone? Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 What does effort have to do with it? No it takes him no effort to bring me around to his family occasions but if he sees no future with me wouldn't he just go alone? NO. How many people are going to have to tell you this? Why would he go alone when he can bring you and get his family off his back (When are you going to meet a nice girl, son?) AND get regular sex from you afterwards? Two birds with one stone, baby. Why is that so hard for you to understand? Do you really believe just because he dragged you along on some family outings that means he sees you in the future? He would have taken ANY girl he happened to be screwing to these things! Guys don't see stuff like that as the 'big deal' that women do. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
CherryT Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 What does effort have to do with it? No it takes him no effort to bring me around to his family occasions but if he sees no future with me wouldn't he just go alone? Well, if it took effort for you to be a part of his family occasions, you might not be involved. The fact that there is NO effort, is like "sure, come along". My BF has driven hours and hopped on a plane and waited 2 hours for a transfer to come see me. That's effort. And he puts in the effort to progress out relationship. Effort has A LOT to do with a thriving relationship. 1 Link to post Share on other sites
Janesays Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Jeez. I'm so annoyed right now. Do you have any idea how many girlfriends my brother has brought over for christmas? Guess how many he married. NONE OF THEM. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
amaysngrace Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 What does effort have to do with it? No it takes him no effort to bring me around to his family occasions but if he sees no future with me wouldn't he just go alone? He could bring you around them for a lot of reasons...appearances, sexual or it could also be that he wants to share these moments with you... WE AREN'T HIM!!!! Link to post Share on other sites
PlumPrincess Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 You are afraid of talking to him and hearing his answers, because deep down inside you already know them. It's something everybody has to go through before they wise up. 3 Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 What does effort have to do with it? No it takes him no effort to bring me around to his family occasions but if he sees no future with me wouldn't he just go alone? No, not necessarily. Plenty of people like the idea of a convenient and comfortable companion without wanting to make a life-long commitment. Is it fair to the other person? No. It hurts. Have you ever told him how you feel? He doesn't sound very invested at this point. Speak to him honestly and ask him for some answers...but remember that actions (or lack thereof) speak louder than words. Link to post Share on other sites
ExpatInItaly Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 You are afraid of talking to him and hearing his answers, because deep down inside you already know them. It's something everybody has to go through before they wise up. This, x100. If he really saw a future together, you'd know that by now. Link to post Share on other sites
SJC2008 Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 What does effort have to do with it?No it takes him no effort to bring me around to his family occasions but if he sees no future with me wouldn't he just go alone? Are you serious!?!? Effort has EVERYTHING to do with it. There is no balance in your relationship, you go to him. You're the one "chasing" him and don't seem to have a problem doing so. The last woman I dated was in a 7 year R and he left her a few times (sound familiar). Guess what? She drive an hour and 15ish minutes to him, he never came to her. If I were to play arm chair shrink, my money is on BOTH of you are EA and commitment phobic, him for sure. Commitment phobes date commitment phobes and one party typically doesn't know they're CP, usually the woman. Link to post Share on other sites
pcplod Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 (edited) You have a habit of using pejorative terms and words like "grow up" and "normal" as if there is only one narrow definition of them. What you have is his definition of "grown up" and "normal" and for that matter a lot of other people's. Not all men want to get married and have kids, despite what they may appear to talk about, nor women for that matter and it is all perfectly legitimate and valid. Your problem is that you want a different future from him and the likelihood is that it will always be different. Worse than that talk about being too available to him or for him has a dangerous implication behind it. It infers that if you ration yourself that he will (maybe) come round to your way of thinking. The best outcome in such circumstances is that he does not. Why? Because what you and others might deem to be reasonable persuasion will probably be in his eyes, coercion. If he is strong-willed, and the outcome of his previous relationship suggests that maybe he is, you will separate. Just as he has before. If, on the other hand, he were to fold in and you were to marry, I would take a reasonable offer of odds that he will resent it for the period of it's existence. You seem to assume that he is yet to 'complete' some sort of process of maturation of his attitude towards heterosexual relationships, whatever on earth that is supposed to mean to anyone. However, what you see is sometimes really what you get, nothing more, nothing else. If you want something different, something more, then I think you are going to simply have to call it quits on this guy and simply start looking all over again. Somewhere out there is a guy who is prepared to put himself on the line, for better or worse, as they say. As a rider I would suggest that before you start all over again, that you might want to re-examine your understanding of the dynamics of human inter-relationships. It's neither as simple or as straight-forward as you appear to infer you expect it to be. Edited July 1, 2013 by pcplod Link to post Share on other sites
Eddie Edirol Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 Well why would he waste 3 years , almost every weekend with me if he didn't see a future? Why would he bring me around his family for all occasions? Lastly, why wouldn't he go find someone he believed he had a future with or liked enough to put in effort into the relationship??? I'm just really confused with this. Easy, its a pain in the ass to go to bars or online just to get laid, yet have the freedom to do everything else he wants without being totally tied down. He can easily get laid without much effort, and you dont pressure him to take the relationship further. Why would he want to give that up? Keep in mind, his ex before you might have pressured him for this, or her pressured her, that relationship didnt work, and now he probably doesnt want to be tied down. If he is that successful, he can find another gf easily and do it all over again. Or he might just not be into you enough to marry you. If he isnt talking about you moving in with him, then he def isnt into you that much. But you wont really know until you have a sit down with him about it. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulJazzBlues Posted July 1, 2013 Share Posted July 1, 2013 You are for lack of a better word, convenient. He gets all the perks of a girlfriend but none of the commitment responsibility. However that does NOT make him a bad guy. Not every man or woman wants a commitment in the form of marriage, living together, children etc. If you have never raised it to him, you cant blame him. Just because your end goal in life is marriage doesn't necessarily make it his. There is only so many times you can ask folk on this forum. Communicate with your bf. Not us. Only he will have the answer. Link to post Share on other sites
Phantom888 Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 I just find it strange that a 31 year old doesnt want to find a girl he likes enough to do the things your saying. He would really rather spend his week nights with his friends and not pursuing a girl he sees in his future. I mean we are not talking about someone in their early twenties or even late twenties He is really comfortable in his current situation. You give him comfort on weekends, and he has his freedom during the week. As stated above, he has no incentive to make ANY changes. He would never marry you if you keep satisfying his needs. You make him the way he is. He doesn't have to put in any efforts, yet he gets ALL the benefits of a relationship without any sacrifices. Great deal for him. Link to post Share on other sites
shexy Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Why do you always have to go to his house? That's pretty rude and selfish of him right there. And why are you blowing off your family to be with his every holiday? This guy sounds pretty selfish, and he's basically got you where he wants you. He gets sex on the weekends and can do whatever the hell he wants all week long. He has to put forth ZERO effort, because you're doing all the work. That sux. I wouldn't WANT to marry someone that self-centered. Link to post Share on other sites
2sure Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Lush lady, Your feelings and thoughts and desire for a future with this guy are totally valid. If others feel the terms of the relationship are unfair to you, you can agree or disagree and both of those choices would be fine as well. You dictate the terms of what you will accept or will not . Have you talked to your Baf about the future? It isn't as though wanting to get married and have kids is some unusual thing. Most people do, why would you be different. Maybe he is different, but unless you have this put everything on the table conversation ...you don't know. It's a conversation every couple has. Have it. Link to post Share on other sites
Phoe Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 Maybe I'm insane or missing something VERY crucial, but I don't see any sort of massive problem here. Sure, the involvement in doing things leans towards his side and his family and that can get frustrating. This can be remedied. Let him know you'd appreciate effort on his part to do things differently, that you'd like spend holidays with YOUR family this time. Let him know it's important to you. Keep in mind that it's GREAT that he wants to bring you around his family and that his family really likes you. Many girls get stuck with a guy who doesn't even want to bring the girl around family As far as seeing him on weekends - once again, let him know it would mean alot to you to see him more often, suggest doing things in your area, during weekdays. I personally think it's healthy that he wants to spend quality time with friends and not just with you. Also, having a fun trip with his friend twice a year doesn't seem excessive at all. It's just a getaway. I think letting him know that you respect his desire to keep his life reasonably spread out between his girlfriend, family, and friends, while simultaneously letting him know you'd love getting more quality time for yourself and with YOUR family... I think that can be accommodated As far as MARRIAGE is concerned - I have no idea on that part! 2 Link to post Share on other sites
MrWombat Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 "will my bf ever grow up" Grow up? He owns a home. Do you own a home? And you are telling him to grow up? He is a partner in a successful business. Have you ever owned/run a successful business? And you are telling him to grow up? Maybe he just doesn't like your attitude. Maybe he feels that you are the non-grown-up one, whose idea of how you get through life is to sex a successful man until he marries you. Objectively, isn't he better off without you? What are you proposing to contribute to his life? Maybe you should start thinking about how you can add to his life, how you can contribute. Sex is not enough. 5 Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 OP: Why does marriage automatically equal maturity? There are many people who married too young who are not capable of the maturity it takes to work through such a serious, committed relationship. Likewise, there are people who have been together for years and are happy without the institution of marriage. You need to talk these things over with your boyfriend; just because he's 31, doesn't mean he's ready for that leap. Maybe he needs more time, or maybe he's happy with things as they are. If you are dissatisfied in your relationship with him, it is up to you to discuss these matters with him, and to come to some resolution that makes you both happy. Link to post Share on other sites
JustAReformedGirl Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 What exactly is in it for him? Marriage is an increasingly bad deal for men in America today. He is giving up a lot: his independence and autonomy, and is taking on a substantial risk due to biases in the American courts. In all fairness, women stand to lose those things too, where committed relationships are concerned. Just pointing that out. Link to post Share on other sites
SoulJazzBlues Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 "will my bf ever grow up" Grow up? He owns a home. Do you own a home? And you are telling him to grow up? He is a partner in a successful business. Have you ever owned/run a successful business? And you are telling him to grow up? Maybe he just doesn't like your attitude. Maybe he feels that you are the non-grown-up one, whose idea of how you get through life is to sex a successful man until he marries you. Objectively, isn't he better off without you? What are you proposing to contribute to his life? Maybe you should start thinking about how you can add to his life, how you can contribute. Sex is not enough. My sentiments exactly. He sounds pretty grown up to me. Link to post Share on other sites
samsungxoxo Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 (edited) To easy for us to get laid or even become a gf but extremely hard to get into the engagement level. I know this is a poor analogy but the way I'm starting to see it, it's like the men are feeling like we were asking for a credit card over the phone but in order for that to happen, you have to throw a huge speech (full of tons of rebuttals) and only hope there aren't more difficult questions asked. All I know is a man will continue to behave the way he does as long as we allow it. It's the same as when a man is making further moves. If I don't want to sleep with him, I can just tell him to slow down. Edited July 2, 2013 by samsungxoxo Link to post Share on other sites
LOSTnMT Posted July 2, 2013 Share Posted July 2, 2013 That is because you are projecting your desires on to him -- your desires of a future, a family, and marriage... There are a lot of men that are quite happy milking the cow without buying it. You just said it; he gets his week nights for his friends and doesn't have to do any work in the relationship because you show up once a week to fulfill his other needs. Lots of men would like that and not have to "put up with" all the other stuff that is involved in a permanent relationship. As others have said, you need to have these conversations with him, not us. He might be one of those that is quite content to live this way for a very, very long time. You knocked this post out of the park, its almost word for word what I was going to post. Dude is getting his needs met on the weekend and hanging with his buddies all week. Where can I sign up for that? Link to post Share on other sites
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